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Original poster

Right now I want to send all my DS’s gifts back.

58 replies

SonProblem · 09/12/2020 20:36

I need some sensible advice. I’m very angry.

DS11. He has ADHD which I’m not sure is relevant. Maybe it is. Probably.

He Had gone through a phase of stealing in the past and I thought it was history. He started secondary school this year and doing well as far as I know. He’s very good at lying and concealing things. But I’ve had no contact from the school to advise of any issues.

To the problem, I found out last week he had stolen money from my bag on 2 separate occasions. It came to £50 total. I haven’t worked for most of this year due to COVID and have just recently started back. Im a single parent so it’s just my income and universal credit and he knows money is very tight right now. He had been going to the shop before school and buying himself hot chocolates and sweets and probably buying for his friends too. So I grounded him for 2 weeks which means he has no phone or tablet and said he had to sell some of his own things to pay me back the money he stole. He agreed to this.

This evening he asked if he could have a cookie after dinner, they’re the large ones from Asda. I said yes and just as he was leaving I spotted that two were gone from the bag so I asked him, he denied taking two until I asked him to empty his pockets.

Then later I discovered that his phone was gone from the place I had it hidden. I asked him and he denied having it. I asked him again for the truth and he handed it over.

He has just come in to the room in a strop and said “oh BTW I hate [item]” which is something I have gotten him for Xmas . So he has found his Christmas presents and will have seen his brother’s presents too.

I’m so angry with him. I feel like returning it all and letting him sit with nothing on Xmas day. That’s probably a massive over reaction and cruel but I just don’t know anymore.

Advice please.

OP posts:
Horehound · 09/12/2020 21:24

Oh so his friends are using him.

Original poster
SonProblem · 09/12/2020 21:26

@Horehound

Oh so his friends are using him.
This is exactky what I was worried about happening when he started secondary school. He knew no-one when he started and he tries so hard to be liked. I knew he would be putty in the hands of anyone who wanted to take advantage.
OP posts:
SquishSquashSqueeze · 09/12/2020 21:28

@SonProblem

Actually I’ve just found messages from one of his friends, the one he talks about most. He’s saying he got him sweets and then the friends says “don’t forget to get me a drink too. And chewing gum” Hmm
I was going to suggest giving him the same amount as his brother for Christmas minus the stolen £50 (making sure he spends it on something worthwhile rather than frittering it away) until I read this. It sounds like he may be being taken advantage of ?

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11 year olds Families
FortunesFave · 09/12/2020 21:33

He gets his phone paid for

All kids of 11 get their phone paid for OP. That's unfortunately like saying "I pay for his food" these days.

I think you need to talk to him about spending and how you shouldn't let people take advantage of you.

He's obviously feeling like he needs to buy friendships. :(

Original poster
SonProblem · 09/12/2020 21:34

I was going to suggest giving him the same amount as his brother for Christmas minus the stolen £50

They were both only getting £50. I know it’s not a lot but I’ve spoken to them and told them how things are and that Xmas wont be as big as last year (not that it was ever big anyway!) That’s why I decided not to give him cash because it would feel like I was handing him back exactly the cash he’d given me from selling his things to repay me.

OP posts:
Original poster
SonProblem · 09/12/2020 21:35

He's obviously feeling like he needs to buy friendships.

I know. Sad it was my one big worry about him starting high school. That he would do anything to impress people and have friends.

OP posts:
GymMat · 09/12/2020 21:38

Same here if DD thinks you angry seems to spur her on more ive been round the streets looking for her a few times before. I made her pay back all the money she's stolen. To date the total is now around £100. She was grounded too. Now I keep everything with me at all times. Take her phone to bed with me and my bag purse. Don't leave anything around.

Original poster
SonProblem · 09/12/2020 21:43

@GymMat

Same here if DD thinks you angry seems to spur her on more ive been round the streets looking for her a few times before. I made her pay back all the money she's stolen. To date the total is now around £100. She was grounded too. Now I keep everything with me at all times. Take her phone to bed with me and my bag purse. Don't leave anything around.
Yes I take his phone and tablet at night. I don’t normally keep cash in the house but I’ve been saving it up for the Xmas market. I stupidly didn’t put it away after putting some in one day and then another day I’d literally only had the cash in my coat pocket for the evening. He gone into my coat clearly looking for cash the next morning.
OP posts:
Lovemusic33 · 09/12/2020 21:45

My dd has ASD and is a prolific stealer, unlike your ds her understanding isn’t great and her communication is poor, she hates the word “no” which is why she never asks for things and will just take them, she doesn’t like the fact that if she asks I may say “no”, last week end I totally lost it with her, I took her iPad and shouted a little because i found food in her room for the 100th time that week. I made her cry (she doesn’t usually cry when I tell her off), on Sunday she developed a vocal tic and became very anxious, turned out me checking her bedroom had made her very anxious, because if I found anything she would get in trouble. She even tried to make herself sick so she wouldn’t have to go to school because if she went to school I would look in her room. I feel really bad for making her so anxious but I don’t know how to stop her stealing Sad. I had a little talk with her, told her that I love her however naughty she is.

Our kids have been through so much this year, that doesn’t mean there should not be consequences when they do things that are wrong but I don’t think sending Christmas presents back will help either. I tell my kids that I will love them what ever shit they throw at me but I tell them if I’m disappointed in them, if I’m upset by their actions and I try and talk things through with them (not always easy with dd2 but I try). Talk to him, tell him your disappointed in how he’s been behaving, it’s not ok to lie and 99% of the time he’s likely to get found out.

Letitgohhhh · 09/12/2020 21:49

It sounds like there’s an issue with impulse control so I think the adhd diagnosis is very relevant.
It’s probably more helpful to think about the stealing in those terms rather than as a moral issue. Even the word stealing is loaded iyswim.
Do you have any professional support?

Original poster
SonProblem · 09/12/2020 21:50

You’re right. I’ve calmed down a bit now and won’t be sending his presents back. Maybe just the one he said he hates. Maybe he could donate it to the Xmas present collection?

OP posts:
DontStopThinkingAboutTomorrow · 09/12/2020 21:51

Cookie is are herring really. I would be very cross about the money.

If your son takes back his phone again, hide the phone and the battery (or sim) separately so that even if he thinks he has the phone, he can't use it. Tablet is harder, but if you can't access battery, drain it and take the charger (or the fuse from the plug).

Then try to find out why he's stealing. If he's otherwise a good kid, then something is going on.

Original poster
SonProblem · 09/12/2020 21:52

@Letitgohhhh

It sounds like there’s an issue with impulse control so I think the adhd diagnosis is very relevant. It’s probably more helpful to think about the stealing in those terms rather than as a moral issue. Even the word stealing is loaded iyswim. Do you have any professional support?
No. We did have lots of outside support, social services, play therapy, action for children but it all ended about 3 years ago. He is too old for play therapy now I think? And I don’t know if this is a social services issue? I don’t know who to contact for help?
OP posts:
DontStopThinkingAboutTomorrow · 09/12/2020 21:53

@SonProblem

Actually I’ve just found messages from one of his friends, the one he talks about most. He’s saying he got him sweets and then the friends says “don’t forget to get me a drink too. And chewing gum” Hmm
I think you will need to speak to the school about this. Your son is being bullied into stealing money (if not directly, then he feels he needs to) to buy friendships. It should be nipped in the bud.
Original poster
SonProblem · 09/12/2020 21:57

Yes I’ll definitely be discussing that with his teacher.

OP posts:
Letitgohhhh · 09/12/2020 22:33

I don’t know who to contact for help? I’ve no idea either, sorry. It possibly sounds like something a behavioural psychologist might be able to help with, but I don’t really know.

My guess is that you need to help him build up some self discipline, to learn to resist urges and impulses and make a better decision, but that’s definitely not a quick fix. I’m quite worn down at the moment and it generally feels like a pointless waste of my energy to get angry about anything. There always seems to be another skill that ds hasn’t mastered causing issues (asd rather than adhd)

On the subject of pocket money, I know the received wisdom is to tie it to chores so they earn it but I’ve found it more helpful to just give it without any requirement and just let my dc learn the skills of budgeting, saving, waiting, weighing up decisions, etc.

But I do tie screen time to chores, behaviour and attitudes (partly because it’s more motivating than money to this generation)

Mine are still primary age though so maybe not much relevance to his age. I’m dreading the transition too - ds is very naive too.

MrsTerryPratchett · 09/12/2020 22:51

I agree with @Letitgohhhh

The received wisdom is money linked to chores but I disagree totally with that. Money given anyway, basic chores are the cost of living in the house.

MrsTerryPratchett · 09/12/2020 22:54

I was confusing earlier. Basic chores are free, things that she does extra can be for money (like chore overtime!).

Original poster
SonProblem · 09/12/2020 22:57

Thank you both. When I think back I’ve let the chores slide over the past few months. Because I’ve been at home so it’s easier for me to do them. They have their screens all the time except bedtime. I’ve let bed times slide too. I was cutting them some slack because it’s been such a hard year for them. I think I need to do a reset and start being more on the ball with everything. Discuss pocket money and what it’s for etc. Lots of talking to do with DS tomorrow.

OP posts:
GymMat · 09/12/2020 23:00

Try not to overload him with info. A special needs socal working told me that adhd brains hear the word but they can get jumbled so you might say one thing and he thinks/hears another. Maybe have a look at the 6 second rule. Helps my DD

MrsTerryPratchett · 09/12/2020 23:02

Mine with ADHD has bedtimes set and boundaries all the time. I'm absolutely rigid with it. It really helps her. May not with yours.

And I find lots of positive reinforcement as well because ADHD makes the world a bit crap so hone should be where you build them.

On the lying, I tend to grade the consequence based on truthfullness. Tell me immediately, very little consequence. Lie and all hell breaks out!

Original poster
SonProblem · 09/12/2020 23:09

No you are right @MrsTerryPratchett, he does better when he knows exactly what time things are happening. I’ve slacked on that front, thinking I was giving him a treat but it doesn’t do him any favours.

OP posts:
Tangledtresses · 09/12/2020 23:17

Been there! Bought the t shirt
Honestly my dad gave me the rage at this age and did the same awful things.., drove me bonkers

He's 15 now and hasn't pulled that stuff for a good two years now,

I grounded him, took things away from him and told him exactly how o felt about him stealing from me. Also explained how would he feel if he came home and I stole all his stuff? He got it in the end
Just take a deep breath and explain

He will come round 😃

Tangledtresses · 09/12/2020 23:18

My ds! Not my dad 😂

Barmyfarmy · 09/12/2020 23:33

OP from your posts I'd guess your DS is unhappy and perhaps even scared. If his friends are expecting him to have money or he feels he needs money to fit in or make friends perhaps your financial struggles are evident in his life too.

This is in no way your fault, please don't think I'm bashing you! Perhaps if you were able to spare even 50p he'd be able to buy some sweets once a week, use it to reinforce good behaviour but don't use it as a threat (e.g. you're not getting it this week because you did x, y and z) as he'll be more likely to steal again. Get him into a routine of when he's allowed money and treats and most importantly make sure he understands that money is tight but he doesn't need to worry, he just needs to understand that taking money from you could get you into a pickle.

Remember he is a young boy with a lot of pressure on him from peers and school and he's going through this horrible year with high emotion (especially as he'll likely be a hormonal mess due to his age). Give him his gifts and speak to him about the importance of appreciating what he has. It will be okay, OP. He may be young but he'll understand the problems of the world more than we'd expect and if you can be open and honest about what he needs to do and not do to make life happier for all of you, he'll appreciate being treated as mature young man. Good luck OP

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