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Original poster

Who is being unfair here

60 replies

MyGhastIsFlabbered · 09/12/2020 20:24

It's mine and DPs first Christmas since he moved in. He has one DC, 11 and I have 2, aged 8 and 10.

I earn an absolute pittance compared to DP and he pays most of the bills. This may be relevant later. We don't have joint finances.

Weeks ago I had the conversation with him that this year the DCs should be treated equally re presents. He agreed and we started to discuss what we were getting.

Every time I bought my DCs something I made sure to buy something of similar value for his DC. I showed him what I'd bought his DC and he seemed happy.

I've reached my budget now, including a few bits for his mum which I was already buying for my family and thought she would like.

I sourced something his DC really wanted and he asked me to reserve it. I misunderstood and paid for it thinking he'd either pay me back or buy something else in kind.

He's told me this evening that, after paying for another present for DC, that there is no more money for gifts. I asked him how he could let me spend my money on gifts for his DC when he had no intention of reciprocating. He then accused me of using him as a cash cow, said my DC are spoilt, that life isn't fair and my DCs should get used to that.

I just feel so broken now. And shit that I've spent more money on his DC than my own.

OP posts:
FortunesFave · 09/12/2020 20:45

Return the gifts. I bloody would! And tell him. I would not be happy at ALL and if he can't see why then you need to rethink the relationship.

DuzzyFuck · 09/12/2020 20:47

Send the gift back, and send him packing with it.

BloggersBlog · 09/12/2020 20:50

Obv he's being unfair. And has a very strange attitude, that he doesn't see the need to reciprocate 🤔 very odd

Yep, return his dc gifts until equal amounts have been spent by you both

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FoxtrotOscarPoppet · 09/12/2020 20:53

He’s being unreasonable. Take their gifts back.

mummmy2017 · 09/12/2020 20:57

tell him you can't afford Christmas and he can either buy the gifts he wants for his child off you or you will have to return them, remind him that the childs mum will also be buying.
Same with gifts for his family.

Pechanga · 09/12/2020 21:08

As you earn a pittance compared to DP, and you do not have joint finances and yet you live together.....somethings got to give.

You cannot expect there to be an even playing field while he holds all the financial power. Life's shit and it's unfair, and he doesn't sound particularly understanding or generous.

I'm guessing if this was just about you, you'd happily accept that he earns more and can spend more on himself etc. But it hurts because it involves your DC and his DC and he obviously isn't as fair as you would like him to be.

I'm guessing his selfish attitude extends into other areas of your life such as household chores, who chooses your holidays or restaurants, who has control of the remote control and even in the bedroom....

Candiekane · 09/12/2020 21:21

What exactly does he bring to the table?

Xiaoxiong · 09/12/2020 21:27

So you buy his DC a gift which he refuses to reimburse or reciprocate, and he accuses you of treating him like a cash cow??

I think he has that the wrong way around. And he sounds like a wrong 'un.

FatherChristmad · 09/12/2020 21:30

Return for refund. Only answer IMHO

Amerimoon · 09/12/2020 21:31

Take the gift back if he won’t pay for it - tell him ina d acne that’s what you’ll be doing. Then spend your money on your own DC.

Amerimoon · 09/12/2020 21:31

Tell him in advance *

WhereverIGoddamnLike · 09/12/2020 21:34

Do any of the kids also get presents from another parent?
I'm just asking to check to check that this idea if keeping it fair is actually fair. If his kid has mum to but lots but your kids dont have dad to buy stuff then that wouldn't be fair.

So far, every time you bought something for your kids, you also bought for his. Did he do the same? Has he bought for his and yours, or just his?

Return the gifts for his kid. End the relationship. Your views on money just dont blend.

ForTheLoveOfCatFood · 09/12/2020 21:34

Return gift
Tell him to move out

Why would you want to be with someone who thinks so little of you and your dcs

AlwaysCheddar · 09/12/2020 21:35

Return the gifts and get rid of him.

pizzaandcats · 09/12/2020 21:36

He doesn't sound great but you have said yourself it was a misunderstanding and he only asked you to 'reserve' it. I take it since he won't give you the money for the present, that he has either bought something else for his DC or decided not to buy any more presents for his DC at all.

In that case it's perfectly fair to return the gift surely? Your DP obviously doesn't think his DC needs it...

HotSince63 · 09/12/2020 21:38

What kind of discussion around finances did you have before he moved in?

Why is he paying most of the bills?

AcrossthePond55 · 09/12/2020 21:45

I'd return the gifts and return him to whence he came. It's pretty obvious that he felt you should buy his DC gifts but that he only needed to but for yours IF he had money leftover.

I know you say he pays 'most' of the bills, but looking at finances over all, is he really supporting the household 'most of the time' if you factor in food, days out, gifts, etc?

HollowTalk · 09/12/2020 21:59

Definitely return the gift, but also have a really good long hard look at this relationship.

Just out of interest, were you better off before you lived with him?

Santaisironingwrappingpaper · 09/12/2020 22:02

Get thy door open...
"Off you pop cunty chops..."
This is who he is op...

You and your dc deserve so much more.
And I don't mean £££wise...

HMSSophie · 09/12/2020 22:04

Is this about a tenner or a lot more than that? Has money ever been an issue before? Has he form for letting you conclude the wrong thing and blaming you for that?

Deadringer · 09/12/2020 22:07

There is no more money for gifts he seems to think he is your boss. Tell him he owes you money, then tell him to get to fuck.

FourPlatinumRings · 09/12/2020 22:16

I agree. Return the gifts, pronto.

Fudgsicles · 09/12/2020 22:19

Tell him you will need to return his child's present that you bought as you have now spent more on his than your own and you have no money left as you didn't think this was the arrangement. To be fair, the arrangement seemed a bit woolly in the first place. Was there a set budget for each child and who was contributing what money to this budget? It doesn't seem like it.

Is he feeling resentful over paying most of the bills for you and your 2 children? The cash cow comment certainly appears so and this may be a valid point.

Jenifirtree · 09/12/2020 22:27

How long have you been together?

Id be returning gifts and certainly not buying for his mother.

I wouldnt be staying with someone who could let my children down in that way either. Ir someone who didn't feel the need to budget properly for christmas.

lifestooshort123 · 09/12/2020 22:31

If you earn a pittance, how did you manage to pay the bills before you met him? This flare up is to do with him resenting having to pay more than half of the bills and then you begrudging paying for another present for his DC. It doesn't sound as though he's happy with the set up any more tbh so it might be time to bail.

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