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Original poster

Who is being unfair here

60 replies

MyGhastIsFlabbered · 09/12/2020 20:24

It's mine and DPs first Christmas since he moved in. He has one DC, 11 and I have 2, aged 8 and 10.

I earn an absolute pittance compared to DP and he pays most of the bills. This may be relevant later. We don't have joint finances.

Weeks ago I had the conversation with him that this year the DCs should be treated equally re presents. He agreed and we started to discuss what we were getting.

Every time I bought my DCs something I made sure to buy something of similar value for his DC. I showed him what I'd bought his DC and he seemed happy.

I've reached my budget now, including a few bits for his mum which I was already buying for my family and thought she would like.

I sourced something his DC really wanted and he asked me to reserve it. I misunderstood and paid for it thinking he'd either pay me back or buy something else in kind.

He's told me this evening that, after paying for another present for DC, that there is no more money for gifts. I asked him how he could let me spend my money on gifts for his DC when he had no intention of reciprocating. He then accused me of using him as a cash cow, said my DC are spoilt, that life isn't fair and my DCs should get used to that.

I just feel so broken now. And shit that I've spent more money on his DC than my own.

OP posts:
CoronaBollox · 09/12/2020 22:32

Return the gift and the ones for his mum, that's his job.

This will get worse but with bigger things and tbh the way he spoke about your DC and you, is what he truly thinks.

GalaxyCookieCrumble · 09/12/2020 22:43

Take the presents back and never ever buy anything for him or his dc again, he is a free loader and your kids are not spoilt @MyGhastIsFlabbered
How dare he, I am angry for you.

CrimsonCattery · 09/12/2020 22:46

Sounds like this could be one of two things. Either a misunderstanding as communication wasn't as clear as it could have been or he is being tight and miserly (possibly as a personality trait or because he feels he already pays much more than you do for you and your child).

You need to let the dust settle until tomorrow and then have a calm conversation about what happened and how you feel. If he is a good un you will clear up the misunderstanding and sort an equitable solution which may involve returning gifts or him contributing more. If he is tight and financially uncompromising then you will know and can make decisions accordingly.

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about these subjects:

Christmas Families
lifestooshort123 · 10/12/2020 06:42

I earn an absolute pittance compared to DP and he pays most of the bills

Please explain why you think this man is a freeloader?

Bluntness100 · 10/12/2020 06:46

Why is he paying most of the bills? What do you contribute financially to your joint living expenses?

Could it be this isn’t about the gift, but more that he is paying for everyone on a day to day basis and you keep your earnings to yourself and he’s sick of it?

ExclamationPerfume · 10/12/2020 07:43

You need to sit down and discuss your finances. It isn't fair he is having to pay the majority of the bills.

Rememberallball · 10/12/2020 07:44

@lifestooshort123

If you earn a pittance, how did you manage to pay the bills before you met him? This flare up is to do with him resenting having to pay more than half of the bills and then you begrudging paying for another present for his DC. It doesn't sound as though he's happy with the set up any more tbh so it might be time to bail.
Before they moved in together it’s likely it was OP & 2x DC potential in a smaller place and now there’s 2 more people in the equation there’ll be at least 1 more bedroom to consider, probably a bigger house overall, so higher bills. OP probably had a tight budget that she managed through practice and sacrifice!!
Santaisironingwrappingpaper · 10/12/2020 07:45

Maybe op got tax credits to top up her wages. Would be lost with a new dp moving in...

Livinginatree · 10/12/2020 07:50

Often a single parent earning a pittance will have been receiving either housing benefit and tax credits or UC to help with housing costs and living expenses. Moving in with someone earning means their wages are taken into account and can make the first person lose all they were receiving. It isn't OPs fault that is the system and realistically there really isn't a lot she can do about it unless.she can find a better paid job which is easier said than done. Hopefully she and her partner sat down and discussed that before they moved in together and he made an informed agreement to pay most of the bills. It sadly doesn't mean he is not now resenting paying more and the way he has treated OP and her kids really isn't right.

I would advise your partner you are going to have to take that last present back so he knows it is pay you or it goes. I don't see this relationship lasting with such early resentments unless you can talk them out together.

Quartz2208 · 10/12/2020 07:53

Yes this isnt a good sign at all that you are both feeling hard done by financially.

A good honest chat about this is needed

Steroidsandantidepressants · 10/12/2020 07:57

You should’ve sat down and talked it through. Set an overall budget and divided that up per child and for others you buy for.

Talk to him.

TheBadElfParade · 10/12/2020 10:11

Shocking and selfish behaviour this Op.

See this is the reason why I don’t believe keeping finances separate works (in most cases).

Op you need to put your children first because he certainly won’t. Return the gifts, and spend on your children.

Gamble66 · 10/12/2020 11:06

Honestly depends on the actual balance of how stuff is paid now and also before you moved in together- not sure why there has to be parity between gifts either at this age - you are not yet really a blended family.

Stompythedinosaur · 10/12/2020 11:18

I think living together is not good if you aren't on the same page about treating the dc the same.

Upstartcrones · 10/12/2020 11:23

What happens to your wages each month if he pays all the bills?

Floridana · 10/12/2020 11:26

Keep the gift for your own DC

JoeCalFuckingZaghe · 10/12/2020 11:27

@Gamble66

Honestly depends on the actual balance of how stuff is paid now and also before you moved in together- not sure why there has to be parity between gifts either at this age - you are not yet really a blended family.
If he didn’t think the gifts should be similar then he had the opportunity to say this.

Weeks ago I had the conversation with him that this year the DCs should be treated equally re presents. He agreed

He then changed his mind once op had forked out for HIS kids then said her kids weren’t getting anything from him THEY were spoiled. Regardless of how you would have handled this, he is in the wrong.

OP, return his kids gifts and the thing you’ve paid for and have a long think about if you want your kids subject to this man for the longterm. He’s barely got his foot in your house and he’s already backtracking on agreements and saying awful things about your kids, he’ll only get worse.

VanillaSpiceCandle · 10/12/2020 11:29

But are there too many gifts and did you sit down and decide on how much was going to be spent per child? I think the comments were unfair though but unless he’s like this about other things then I don’t think it’s worth ending the relationship over.

Bluntness100 · 10/12/2020 11:42

@Upstartcrones

What happens to your wages each month if he pays all the bills?
Yes, I’m curious on this, why he’s paying for nearly everything.
lifestooshort123 · 10/12/2020 12:39

Before they moved in together it’s likely it was OP & 2x DC potential in a smaller place and now there’s 2 more people in the equation there’ll be at least 1 more bedroom to consider, probably a bigger house overall, so higher bills. OP probably had a tight budget that she managed through practice and sacrifice!!

The OP said he moved in with her.
A financial talk is long overdue.

Xerochrysum · 10/12/2020 13:09

Oh dear, first Christmas and this? I would return the gift you bought for your Dp's dc, and buy something for your own dc with that money.
But you say your dp pays most of the bill, I would have a proper talk about finance with him.

houseinthesnow · 10/12/2020 13:36

This is supposed to be the honeymoon first christmas together op.

Return the gifts and ask him to leave, this is never ever going to work out. Not now and not in the future.

He is quite comfortable for inequality to exist between the children, and thinks nothing of treating his child more favourably. This is only going to get worse.

Do not let this ruin your children's christmas whatever you do, time for your big girl pants. He is not the one, and he never will be.

PEKitInAJaneNormanBag · 10/12/2020 13:36

What conversations about money have you had so far? DH earns nearly 3 times what I do, we put in a fairly proportional of our wages into a joint account out of which comes EVERYTHING that concerns the family (shopping, presents, house stuff, school stuff, kids’ stuff), leaving our own money for ourselves (he loves fancy coffee and baking bread so buys his own stuff for that, I like sewing bits and books).

What does he expect you to do with this present now?

GlowingOrb · 10/12/2020 14:09

How do you even “reserve” something anyway?

AdobeWanKenobi · 10/12/2020 14:20

@GlowingOrb

How do you even “reserve” something anyway?
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