Who is being unfair here

[MyGhastIsFlabbered]

It's mine and DPs first Christmas since he moved in. He has one DC, 11 and I have 2, aged 8 and 10.

I earn an absolute pittance compared to DP and he pays most of the bills. This may be relevant later. We don't have joint finances.

Weeks ago I had the conversation with him that this year the DCs should be treated equally re presents. He agreed and we started to discuss what we were getting.

Every time I bought my DCs something I made sure to buy something of similar value for his DC. I showed him what I'd bought his DC and he seemed happy.

I've reached my budget now, including a few bits for his mum which I was already buying for my family and thought she would like.

I sourced something his DC really wanted and he asked me to reserve it. I misunderstood and paid for it thinking he'd either pay me back or buy something else in kind.

He's told me this evening that, after paying for another present for DC, that there is no more money for gifts. I asked him how he could let me spend my money on gifts for his DC when he had no intention of reciprocating. He then accused me of using him as a cash cow, said my DC are spoilt, that life isn't fair and my DCs should get used to that.

I just feel so broken now. And shit that I've spent more money on his DC than my own.

OP?????

Why is everyone saying leave him? She said he pays most of the bills?

Maybe they just need to talk about it and why she feels like this. Could be he feels like he pays enough

Sorry for not updating sooner. I live in a s/o 3 bedroom property that I pay rent on and own part outright (held in trust for DCs as part of divorce settlement). DP rented so it made sense for him to move in here.

I got tax credits, housing benefit etc which I lost when he moved in. I tried to talk finances before he moved in but he was reluctant, just saying 'I'll end up paying for everything'. He asked to move all the direct debits to his account and in the end I gave in because he was adamant he wanted it that way. I had envisaged us splitting all bills proportionally and him giving me his share and keeping the direct debits as they were.

I think the biggest problem is our food bill. Before, I would ensure my kids were ok by going without but he won't do that. Hence our shopping bills are horrendous - that's why I've never got any money - we split the food costs 50:50.

He tells me to spend what I want and not to worry about money, then when I take him at his word he gets arsey about it.

You're right, this is much bigger than a few gifts and we really need to sit down and talk finances again.

Your mistake was not sorting the finances out before he moved in. Ok so he pays most of the bills but I'll bet if he were renting for himself he would be paying a whole lot more.
He chose to move in with a lady with children. He set the goalposts and when the goals are starting to look like home goals due to his choices he doesn't like it !
He sounds like a bully to me. You should write everything down on paper explaining why and how you are significantly out of pocket because he moved in with you and insisted on paying for things before discussing it.
If he does not like this then you have been shown what life will be like and can decide if he is a keeper or not.

Yes, talk finances....but even then I think you have more problems to talk about than money

His stinky attitude for starters

He asked to move all the direct debits to his account and in the end I gave in because he was adamant he wanted it that way.

Are you sure he's even paying the bills? I know of someone whose "d"P wasn't paying the bills 'in full' just enough to keep the power going and to avoid losing the house. When she finally kicked him out she discovered that she was 1000s in debt to the utilities and the bank. Since everything was in her name he skipped merrily into the sunset and she was saddled with everything.

He tells me to spend what I want and not to worry about money, then when I take him at his word he gets arsey about it.

This is financial abuse AND emotional manipulation. It's designed to make you fear his reaction and to control your spending (and by extension you in general) to avoid it.

I got tax credits, housing benefit etc which I lost when he moved in

Could you even afford a 50/50 split now that you've lost the benefits you were entitled to before he moved in? And honestly, it's NEVER a good thing to put yourself at a financial loss for a man who is not your husband. And most of the time, even if he IS your husband! Would you be able to get these benefits back if he moved out? I'd be checking on that PRONTO!

we really need to sit down and talk finances again.

I agree, but why do you think you'll get a different reaction than you did when you tried to talk about it before he moved in? He adamantly (your word) refused to discuss it then and you caved. Why should he think you'll do any different now? Are you prepared to tell him to move out if he refuses to discuss or to change the arrangements? Because if you are not, don't even bother to bring it up. As it stands, he knows he has you buffaloed with his abusive way with money. And if you look closer, you'll probably see that he is controlling you in other ways, too. Small subtle things that make you afraid to disagree with him.

And before you do discuss it with him, you need to have a plan in your head. If you just say 'we need to talk about money' nothing will happen. You need to be able to say "The way we're handling the household costs isn't working for me. In future I will need you to

I would not tolerate this. If he won't buy gifts for your children then return gifts for his children and use refund to buy gifts for your own kids. I would not even tell him what I was doing. Let him sort his own kids out. He is a heartless shit if he thinks your kids should have far less. In the past When my sister and niece came to us for Xmas and I know my sister does not have much money I have bought some nice things to go in nieces stocking as well as gift we have for her so she did not look at what Santa bought my kids and feel like she had been put on the naughty list. That is what your kids will think has happened to them if you don't even things out.

I tried to talk finances before he moved in but he was reluctant

Why did you go ahead and let him move in then?

I'm not being arsey, I'd genuinely like to know the thought process behind this because I see so many threads on here the same as yours and I just cannot get my head around it.

Totally agree with @AcrossthePond55 - you need to have a plan for the conversation before you sit down, i.e. that you want to list all the bills and look at all of the money spent on food since he moved in, and sort out a fair split.

You need to be firm, refuse to be railroaded, and start the conversation by saying "if you don't want to talk about this and get this sorted today then you'll have to move out, because I'm not prepared to carry on as we are currently".

Also you need to get all the bills moved back into your name being paid out of your or a joint account - so you can see that they are actually being paid.

I got tax credits, housing benefit etc which I lost when he moved in. I tried to talk finances before he moved in but he was reluctant, just saying 'I'll end up paying for everything'. He asked to move all the direct debits to his account and in the end I gave in because he was adamant he wanted it that way. I had envisaged us splitting all bills proportionally and him giving me his share and keeping the direct debits as they were
Why on Earth did you let him move in , the fact he was reluctant to even discuss finances should have been a huge red flag.
And to let him move the dd to his name because he was adamant. Wtaf.
You have much bigger problems than Christmas gifts.