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Original poster

How to talk to DH when he’s sulking

56 replies

CurtainARama · 09/12/2020 12:00

I have thrown a strop about housework, DH has been sulking for 2 1/2 days. Will speak to me but only when really needed.
I tried yesterday to suggest we talk. He said there was no point.
Everything I can think of sounds really confrontational and will end in more sulking, but at the same time I can’t live like this.

OP posts:
Ohalrightthen · 09/12/2020 12:02

"If you are going to pretend I'm not here, I need you to leave. Please come back when you're ready to sit down like adults and discuss this issue. I will not be ignored in my own home, it's childish and disrespectful."

Seeline · 09/12/2020 12:03

I assume the strop was about him not pulling his weight and he doesn't agree?

Do what you're happy to do, politely ask him to do what you want him to do when it needs doing, and ignore him the rest of the time?

WinterSunglasses · 09/12/2020 12:07

The answer is: don't talk to him. You have to grovel to sulking types like this to bring them round and that's what they want. You have to wait it out. When they see they're not going to get what they want, they will start to talk again. Then you have the opportunity to have an adult conversation. Do not try to bring him out of it unless you want to lose all the power in this scenario.

ArrowsOfMistletoe · 09/12/2020 12:09

You don't. You tell him to stop it or it's the end of the relationship. Especially if he's also not pulling his weight at home!

Sundaypolodog · 09/12/2020 12:16

Ignore him - don't play his game. Why should you put up with his childish behaviour?

My ex DH did this and I realised quite early on in our relationship that despite all my efforts he wouldn't come out of his sulk and talk to me. So I'd completely ignore him and spend as much time as I could out seeing friends, shopping, whatever

Sexnotgender · 09/12/2020 12:20

He sounds like a repulsive man child. The sulking is a manipulation tool to put you back in your box.

How dare you be upset about housework. Back in line woman.

Shoxfordian · 09/12/2020 12:21

Why didn't you just do all the housework without complaining? Hmm

He sounds like a knob. Any good points?

Aquamarine1029 · 09/12/2020 12:24

How can you stand to be married to this manchild? I simply would not, could not, tolerate this.

ScatteredMama82 · 09/12/2020 12:24

My DH was like this, learned from his mother. It got to the point where I told him either he changed his behaviour or I was leaving. Thankfully that was the wake up call he needed but to be honest it still hurts me that it had to go that far. I'd gone as far as viewing houses to rent for me and my son, I was getting my ducks in a row so he knew I wasn't bluffing. If he hadn't been willing to change, I would have left. It is soul-destroying to live that way.

Muckish · 09/12/2020 12:25

Stop making your own (presumably justified) anger about him not pulling his weight in housework sound like a toddler tantrum.

I think the problem with trying to talk to him when he's sulking is that he views his silence as strength, and views you trying to get him to talk as you 'losing' some kind of juvenile trial of strength where silence trumps talking. I'd go with @Ohalrightthen, because that's really no way to live.

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 09/12/2020 12:26

@Ohalrightthen

"If you are going to pretend I'm not here, I need you to leave. Please come back when you're ready to sit down like adults and discuss this issue. I will not be ignored in my own home, it's childish and disrespectful."
This
peppita · 09/12/2020 12:28

Don't.

ChazsBrilliantAttitude · 09/12/2020 12:57

Don’t talk to him. Sulking is foul and childish behaviour. You can forgive that sort of manipulation by a child but an adult should know better. Don’t pander to it. Just do your share of the housework and leave his stuff. Don’t wash and clean for someone who is punishing you.

Original poster
CurtainARama · 09/12/2020 13:54

If I leave it he will just deny he is or was sulking though.
We will have had days of tension and still not talk about anything at the end of it.

Sigh.

OP posts:
Hoppinggreen · 09/12/2020 13:56

If your “strop” was because he happily does all the housework to an incredibly high standard and leaves none for you the apologise
Otherwise ignore the Prick

WhereverIGoddamnLike · 09/12/2020 13:59

Say what @Ohalrightthen has suggested. And maybe throw in a little something like "this is how children behave when they're told to do their chores. It isnt how adults behave when they're expected to help clean their own home".

Popcorntoes · 09/12/2020 16:27

What was your issue with the housework?

praepondero · 09/12/2020 16:37

Never talk to sulkers, it's akin to negotiating with terrorists. Angry
The personality trait I absolutely loathe. Be all sweetness and light when he talks to you but never seek out a proper conversation.
He must be broken from this ghastly habit.

Ginfordinner · 09/12/2020 16:43

It sounds like he needs someone to give him a good shake and tell him to grow up. I hate sulkers, it's so petty and immature.

Just don't engage with him.

SpaceOp · 09/12/2020 16:45

I have no advice for you because there is no way to win here. He is punishing you for daring to challenge him. I'm assuming that the sulking will only stop when you have apologised for daring to bring up the issue in the first place and/or for expecting him to behave in a certain way?

A sulker will not change if you don't make it clear it's not acceptable. Do you have children? Is he treating them this way? Does his sulking mean he's not doing his share of tasks and/or creating an unpleasant environment for your DC? In which case, yet another reason that this is not acceptable.

I'd tell him to grow up or move out because this is no way to live. He is attempting to train you to ensure that you never challenge him again. Eventually, if you don't make it clear to him that you will not accept this behaviour, he will manage to train you completely and you will stop ever attempting to change things or raise issues. He will be happy as his life will be just the way he likes it and you will be miserable.

I'd also put money on this being a regular thing and that you already think long and hard before you dare to question any behaviours from him in order to avoid the risk of sulking.

Original poster
CurtainARama · 09/12/2020 17:13

Thank you everyone.

My issue was that I’d done most of the housework, despite being ill. I haven’t hoovered much, but have done all of the laundry, meal planning, cooking, remembering all of the children stuff, while being in bed with coronavirus. I’m still pretty pathetic with it tbh.

He’s in full martyr mode of stomping around hoovering and mending things. I did point out day before yesterday that doing so wasn’t going to make me think that he normally does loads and I haven’t noticed.

This comes up again and again. We have a list of tasks that need sharing out but he just won’t do it.
He doesn’t do nothing, but it’s probably 75:25

So if it was just me it would be 25% harder (or in better maths an extra 1/3 I think Smile). I don’t really fancy that.

OP posts:
Original poster
CurtainARama · 09/12/2020 17:14

He just won’t share it out, I mean. He won’t change the ‘who does what’.

OP posts:
TriflePudding · 09/12/2020 17:19

Tell him sulking is childish and petty and if he has a problem then he needs to talk to you about it.

I think you need to ask yourself why you are worried about asking him not to sulk.

AmandaHoldensLips · 09/12/2020 17:22

How fucking boring and tedious for you. Does he even realise he's behaving like a stroppy sulky child? Does he understand what normal adult behaviour looks like?

Frankly I'd ignore him and start making other plans.

Original poster
CurtainARama · 09/12/2020 17:23

Because every conversation beginning I can imagine just ends up in an argument. Or with him just denying that he’s sulking.
I really don’t want to end up being ardent and then in the wrong because then he’s got a reason to be sulking.

It’s not great, is it?

OP posts: