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Original poster

How to talk to DH when he’s sulking

56 replies

CurtainARama · 09/12/2020 12:00

I have thrown a strop about housework, DH has been sulking for 2 1/2 days. Will speak to me but only when really needed.
I tried yesterday to suggest we talk. He said there was no point.
Everything I can think of sounds really confrontational and will end in more sulking, but at the same time I can’t live like this.

OP posts:

Shoxfordian · 09/12/2020 17:30

Nope

Either you do all the housework and accept he is never going to change or you speak to him about it and he sulks. Either way nothing changes with regards to the housework.

CorianderQueen · 09/12/2020 18:12

Print out the pages of info about how the silent treatment is legally classified as a form of abuse.

CorianderQueen · 09/12/2020 18:12

Sorry - not legally I meant according to abuse charities

mbosnz · 09/12/2020 18:20

I'd treat him like he's the silly child he's behaving as.

So, 'oh, are we still sulking and having a tanty then? How silly. Oh well, never mind, I'm sure you'll come out of the mopes eventually, and maybe then we can have a proper grown up conversation'.

I wouldn't be asking him to move out unless I thought I had grounds for requiring him to move out, because in our relationship we both have equal right to occupy our home. If your set up is different, then I'd definitely go down that road though!

MrsTerryPratchett · 09/12/2020 18:25

His response to you not wanting to be a household appliance is a 2 1/2 day strop?

Not sure I'd ever want to talk to him again.

Original poster

CurtainARama · 09/12/2020 19:09

What the hell was ‘ardent’ meant to mean when I typed it here?

“I really don’t want to end up being ardent and then in the wrong because then he’s got a reason to be sulking.”

end up arguing? I dunno.

OP posts:

Dowser · 09/12/2020 19:40

@mbosnz

I'd treat him like he's the silly child he's behaving as.

So, 'oh, are we still sulking and having a tanty then? How silly. Oh well, never mind, I'm sure you'll come out of the mopes eventually, and maybe then we can have a proper grown up conversation'.

Agree, keep it light and bright It’s like a Cold War and the one being silent is holding all the power Remember you can’t change him only you can change you. So don’t let him see his behaviour bothers you. Move out of the room...don’t let him silently wipe his anger all over you.

Don’t cover for him..if his mum rings and asks to speak to him, tell her you’ve no idea if he wants to talk to her ...he’s having one of his silent spells, you know where he goes into his man cave and won’t come out till he’s good and ready...we just let him get on with it. Shame! He misses out on so much family fun this way.

You do need a certain amount of chutzpah to carry it off.

So you need to talk to yourself and get into the zone, refuse to be his victim..it takes two and the battle lines get quickly drawn
Master/ slave

I wonder if reading some transactional analysis would help you.
Parent/ adult/ child
He’s being sulky child so you’re being pushed into berating mum

The book is by Eric Berne

Once you understand the game , you can use it to your advantage.

NewYearNewTwatName · 09/12/2020 19:49

I just can't ignore sulking but I dont beg for conversation. I'd just keep talking at him, every huff every sloping past without eye contacted or acknowledgment.
I'd be pointing it out, telling him what a childish fuck he was, I'd remind him by impersonating him in mocking way of the petty thing he was sulking about. "Oo I let you do all the work even when you had covid, then you pointed it out to me" dramatic sigh "lifes so unfair you were so mean to me" " boohoo" " I'm gonna sulk now" "boohoo"

if it ends in an argument so be it, atleast you can lay all your cards on the table and about being an utter man child and the sulking only adds to it.

But I dont shy from confrontation though.

snookercue · 09/12/2020 19:51

I have thrown a strop about housework, DH has been sulking for 2 1/2 days. Will speak to me but only when really needed.
I tried yesterday to suggest we talk. He said there was no point.

Tell him to fuck off. Honestly this is controlling and emotional abuse. Fuck Jim

snookercue · 09/12/2020 19:51

Jim? I have no idea who Jim is

dubyalass · 09/12/2020 20:30

Going through the same with my dad, long story. It's been his way since I was a kid, and since ending up in an abusive relationship because I thought that kind of behaviour was normal, I no longer tolerate it. I am breezy and cheerful and ignore the humourlessness and silent treatment. I haven't challenged the behaviour because it's pointless and he will never back down.

optimisticpessimist01 · 09/12/2020 20:39

Hmm I think I'd confront him if it was me about his pathetic behaviour. If it carried on like your DH is doing I'd just ignore him and carry on in my own little world until he grows up

StrippedFridge · 09/12/2020 20:42

You have fallen into the trap of thinking if only you could properly talk about the housework then he would stop taking advantage of you. He would really get to understand how you feel and that would make all the difference. Big bag of nope.

He has fuck all intention of ever doing women's work. He will do it under extreme duress, like you having coronavirus, but only for a little while and with a lot of huffing and puffing so you know it is temporary and a massive favour.

He is clever with the sulking. It keeps you focussed on the talking not the actions. Here you are asking mumsnet how to sweet talk him into agreeing to talk to you about his sexism.

He is never going to stop being sexist. He does not care how you feel about it. Talking and sulking are red herrings. He is playing you. Distracting you. You are falling for it.

BrandoraPaithwaite · 09/12/2020 21:27

My dp used to be a sulker, learned from his mum like a pp said upthread. I already could not stand sulking (grew up in a home with a sulker and found it truly vile) and I learned on mumsnet it's rightly considered a form of abuse. When we first lived together dp would do up to 3 days in a mope.

After a while, when a sulk started I would say, "I can see you've started to sulk. I'm really happy to discuss what's bothering you like adults now or whenever you're ready. I am not prepared to be ignored and treated rudely though so please let me know how long you're planning to sulk for and I'll do my own thing until it's finished".
And then just get on with my own stuff apart from cheerily offering cups of tea etc when I was making them.
Eventually managed to explain to him on a non sulking day that I found sulking absolutely intolerable and abusive behaviour and give him his credit he stopped. His mum is still a sulker!

BrandoraPaithwaite · 09/12/2020 21:29

I do agree with others though that the problem with his sexist attitude to domestic labour may well be a worse problem than his sulking.

RosieLemonade · 09/12/2020 22:17

My stepdad used to do this to me and my sister when we were children. Grotesque behaviour. People trying to please you just for the reward of you treating them civilly.

DianaT1969 · 09/12/2020 22:58

Give him the silent treatment X10. Completely silent. Hand him notes saying "load the dishwasher" "clean the toilet". When he speaks to you turn your back and walk away.

Rayn · 09/12/2020 23:07

I just don't understand what sulkers expect to get from it. I would act like I having the time of my life. Laughing really loud on the phone. Playing silly games with the kids and talking to him in a bright and breezy voice. This may help him realise he is being a dick.

It's draining though living with a duller. Good luck 🤞

Rayn · 09/12/2020 23:07

Sulker not duller 😀

Hazelnutlatteplease · 09/12/2020 23:11

Either you are unhappy enough to leave or you aren't. It really is that simple. He won't change.

C0NNIE · 09/12/2020 23:21

So if it was just me it would be 25% harder (or in better maths an extra 1/3 I think smile). I don’t really fancy that

No it wouldn’t be. Because he creates a lot of housework - more shopping, cooking, cleaning and washing.

And you don’t have the extra task of managing him.

And you don’t have to deal with the anger and resentment of him not pulling his weight, which is in fact very tiring.

And your kids will be with him some of the time - say one night a week and EOW, so you will get some time off. Remember it’s not like they are going on a sleepover - you don’t send them to his with a suitcases of clean clothes and they bring back dirty ones. He has to do all the parenting while he has them.

WinterSunglasses · 09/12/2020 23:36

What Connie said above. There will be less work to do without him there. Honestly.

I would actually just stop doing things for him. He's not prepared to pull his weight, so he no longer gets the benefit of you picking up his slack. He can do his own washing, cooking etc. I guarantee you are thinking 'I couldn't, that would look really petty and mean'. But he doesn't mind being petty and mean to you, just as he doesn't mind sulking or arguing. You have to get to the point of not feeling obliged to treat him better than he treats you.

Gilead · 09/12/2020 23:51

If he’s denying being in sulk mode, I’d be looking at moving on. These things don’t tend to get better.

Crankley · 10/12/2020 00:42

I wouldn't bother and would swap for an adult.

willowmelangell · 10/12/2020 09:33

The quickest way to get a sulker out of their hump, is to not be an audience for it.
Certainly leave their laundry and meals. You couldn't ask them what they wanted for dinner, or did they need those shirts being washed because they were not talking to you.
My experience tells me they stop sulking when they want something. Sex, food, clean clothes etc. They also want an apology from you for your not letting them get their own way in the first place.
Sulkers are horrible. Selfish egotistical point scorers.

Is his behaviour a game changer for you OP? A line in the sand, hill to die on sort of thing?

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