Estrangement

[Alicemtaylor]

Hi - are there any mums out there who are estranged from their grown up children and what advice would you give? My heart is breaking but the more I try it seems to make things worse.

Not a mum, but I'm estranged from my own so I have a bit of experience on this end. Can I ask what happened?

My mum and I are estranged
Please don’t stop caring, maybe stop over trying

There's a huge 'estrangement' section over on Gransnet.
Why not pop over there, it's very supportive and helpful.
You don't necessarily have to be a gran.

I'm estranged from my mother, I know this isn't her preference and I find it very unwelcome and troubling when she tries to reconnect. In large part because she wants to pretend things are normal when she does this or can't seem to help herself but repeat comments or behaviours that led me to not want to be around her in the first place every time I allow it.

For me, it is sadly unfixable and whilst it's very sad and I struggle with the loss of a mother in my life and various forms of guilt she is not someone I can get along, enjoy the company of, or feel good around. I am significantly happier and less anxious and stressed without her present so it has to be done.

Happy to offer any perspective on that of you'd find it helpful.

n/c for this

My 18 year old son won't speak to me any more. I divorced his abusive father but ex was what Lundy Bancroft would term 'The Water Torturer' so I am sure I looked like the crazy one while getting emotionally abused and regularly raped. I obviously do not want to discuss this or reveal it as it will hurt my son.
I'm disabled and my ex threw me out of our house when I told him I wanted to end it. I didn't know I had rights then, so I lived in a hostel for a while and rebuilt my life bit by bit. I try to reach out to my son but with no success.
Christmas is sad in parts. I have two other children, one older and one younger, who are not from this man and they are wonderful, but I still miss my middle boy.
I will probably stop sending presents at Christmas and birthdays. I never get even a word in reply and neither do any member of my family. I don't know the answer, really, and you've not added much circumstantial detail, but you are not alone.

yes I am from one of my adult children, we were close at one point, the estrangement seems to have coincided since she met her current boyfriend. Its been about 3 years since she spoke to us. I agree with some of the comments about not trying or overstepping, you have to go to the fence, and leave the door open, and let them know that you are there, but up to them to meet you.
I would recommend a book called 'done with the crying'

I'm estranged from my mother, she made perfectly clear I was nothing more then a bother and so after the last emotionally abusive letter from her husband I stopped engaging. We didn't pass on the new address when we moved and she doesn't know about my children. She's turned the family against me but I'm still in counselling because of my childhood and I want my children to not have that.