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Original poster

Christmas with friends kids who are too loud

59 replies

Narcs1 · 07/12/2020 02:22

We are a very quiet family and our friend is very quiet too. However her children are so loud (shouting or screaming) most of the time. I didn't realise how bad it was until we babysat them last week with my own children (who are very quiet). At the end of the day after they had been collected, my husband and I breathed a sigh of relief as we had reached the limits of what we could cope with. Later on I developed a headache and the noise and stress of those kids is hard to shake off. We adore our friend but have talked about Christmas together and i chose my friend to be in the bubble during lockdown. But tbh we have been left out of our comfort zone and I find the thought of welcoming them for Christmas day is stressful with their noise level. My husband says having them for Christmas is a flat no. Small doses are OK but he wants a quiet controlled Christmas with our own kids. I feel stuck as normally I'd just smile politely and make them welcome but my husband is refusing to have his Christmas spoilt with screaming, shouting and constant talking over. I am now stuck as I do not want to let my friend down. Does anyone have any ideas on what I can do? I am stuck as I adore my friend. 2

OP posts:
katy1213 · 07/12/2020 02:25

It was never a concrete plan, was it? Just say you think two lots of over-excited children is a bit more than you can face.

HuntedForest · 07/12/2020 05:07

Have you actually invited them for Christmas? It's not clear from your post.
Meeting up outdoors will lessen the noise, I'd suggest meeting for a walk or park for a couple of hours depending on weather.

They're your friends kids, why on earth didn't you tell them to keep it down when you were looking after them?

Aquamarine1029 · 07/12/2020 05:11

I also wonder why you didn't tell these children to settle down and behave properly. In any case, I'm with your husband. I had a "mum friend" many years ago whose children were absolutely unbearable. Screaming, running, fighting, the works. I tried to intervene to no avail. I actually had to end the friendship because I simply couldn't take it anymore.

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AtlasPine · 07/12/2020 05:15

You’ve talked about it and decided you’d like Christmas on your own. Tell her that. Do it soon though so she can make other plans.

premmie09 · 07/12/2020 05:26

Could you suggest doing a Christmas Eve afternoon tea or Boxing Day morning tea? Something lower key than the full Christmas lunch or dinner.

Plastichearts · 07/12/2020 05:29

Tell them you are having Christmas on your own this year and just meet them for a walk on Boxing Day. Don’t feel obliged especially this year with all the restrictions.

BeanieB2020 · 07/12/2020 05:33

If she's in your bubble does that mean she will have nobody to spend Christmas with if you don't want to see her?

Friendsoftheearth · 07/12/2020 06:05

I think it depends on whether she is going to be left alone, if the answer to that is yes, then you have to follow through on your invitation.

I do find your op quite feeble. Children can be noisy, excitable and fizzing with energy, more so after a long lockdown. They were probably happy to see you! It is Christmas of course they are excited. I find your expectation of them needing to be 'quiet' quite strange if I am honest. I love babbling happy kids, more the merrier. Are you always expecting your own children to be quiet? That is not healthy op.

I would not withdraw my invite, but limit the time they spend with you. Ask them to arrive at 1.30pm for lunch at 2pm, and tell her you will be having a bath around 5pm and getting the children to bed after that. Take them outside for a christmas walk, games in the garden if you need to. I would not leave them alone for christmas.

Ploki · 07/12/2020 06:08

he wants a quiet controlled Christmas

Wot

BeingATwatItsABingThing · 07/12/2020 06:09

How old are her children? I would 100% have told them to keep it down.

My DD(6) has a tendency to be quite loud when she’s speaking and is regularly reminded not to shout. She doesn’t realise she’s doing it.

greenspacesoverthere · 07/12/2020 06:11

If you adore your friend you must have known her for a while and if you've been bubbling during lockdown you must know that your friends children are noisy

Why invite them for Christmas if you don't like noisy children?

It seems mean to let them down now, when you knew all along that they are noisy

Howmanysleepsnow · 07/12/2020 06:22

If you’ve known her a while and not seen them so loud before then maybe they behave better normally when their mum is there? She obviously knows how to get the best out of her own dc.

winetime89 · 07/12/2020 06:22

Depends if they have somewhere else to spend Christmas. I have loud kids, two similar age who bounce of each other, there just into everything, sounds like they just have different personality to you and your children. if she has somewhere else to spend Christmas then tell her you'd like yours on your own. if she hasn't then time out side going on a big walk/bike ride or in the garden is your answer, possibly give them an iPad if there really annoying you. you won't even know there there then..

Friendsoftheearth · 07/12/2020 06:27

Your dh sounds horribly controlling.

Poor kids.

It is christmas!

purringpaws · 07/12/2020 06:39

I don't think the h is being controlling. He's asserting his opinion about how he'd like to enjoy the day with his family and not have it made unpleasant with a family with a parent who cannot parent.

Op equally said she didn't enjoy their company.

I wouldn't sacrifice my Christmas Day in this way. The kids are likely to be more annoying and loud/ excited.

Agree with a pp who suggested a Boxing Day walk

Peppafrig · 07/12/2020 06:39

I’m guessing if she was allowed to form a bubble with your household then she lives alone with her children. So I can imagine the idea of Christmas on her own with her kids is too much and she needs the support .

purringpaws · 07/12/2020 06:40

Surely the "it's Christmas" argument goes both ways. Doesn't mean you have to tolerate something really uncomfortable in your own home on the one family day of the year

Quillink · 07/12/2020 06:46

Your DH needs to talk to her and explain that he needs a quiet day this year. He should make it clear that this is his decision not yours.

Friendsoftheearth · 07/12/2020 06:49

purring The milk of human kindness didn't stretch that far it seems.
Op, I am pretty sure it will cost you your friendship if you cancel christmas this close to the day when she is relying on you.

Why not explore the opportunity of having a fun and lively warm christmas, rather than a controlled quiet one? Live a little! Have a drink, dance, sing and be merry. It all sounds so joyless the way you describe it.

KleinBlue · 07/12/2020 06:51

A ‘quiet, controlled Christmas’? He sounds like a riot.

greyspottedgoose · 07/12/2020 06:52

I think the important part of your op is that you didn't realise how bad they are until you babysat, so im assuming the parent has reasonable control over them the rest of the time? And as she will be there it won't be the same as babysitting hopefully. iv had children over for play dates that iv known for years (and luckily felt comfortable asking then to behave or I'd take them home) that have really pushed boundaries without a parent here to give them the look 🙊

BefuddledPerson · 07/12/2020 06:53

Just say your husband really wants a quiet family-only Christmas, if she's a friend she'll understand.

ApolloandDaphne · 07/12/2020 06:54

Have you actually invited her yet? If you have you can't really change your mind now. If you haven't then just arrange to see her for a short time over the Christmas period. Invite her round on Boxing day so all the kids can show off their toys and you can have a buffet lunch?

saraclara · 07/12/2020 06:57

@Friendsoftheearth why joyless? We're a quiet family but our Christmases are full of warmth and love and joy.
How bizarre to think that only rowdy people can be joyful.

Ginfordinner · 07/12/2020 06:59

Or you still welcome her for Christmas on the proviso that she keeps her children under control, or removes them into the garden until they quieten down.

Also, give her a start and end time for the day and stick to it. I think withdrawing an invitation now is mean.