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Original poster

Christmas with friends kids who are too loud

59 replies

Narcs1 · 07/12/2020 02:22

We are a very quiet family and our friend is very quiet too. However her children are so loud (shouting or screaming) most of the time. I didn't realise how bad it was until we babysat them last week with my own children (who are very quiet). At the end of the day after they had been collected, my husband and I breathed a sigh of relief as we had reached the limits of what we could cope with. Later on I developed a headache and the noise and stress of those kids is hard to shake off. We adore our friend but have talked about Christmas together and i chose my friend to be in the bubble during lockdown. But tbh we have been left out of our comfort zone and I find the thought of welcoming them for Christmas day is stressful with their noise level. My husband says having them for Christmas is a flat no. Small doses are OK but he wants a quiet controlled Christmas with our own kids. I feel stuck as normally I'd just smile politely and make them welcome but my husband is refusing to have his Christmas spoilt with screaming, shouting and constant talking over. I am now stuck as I do not want to let my friend down. Does anyone have any ideas on what I can do? I am stuck as I adore my friend. 2

OP posts:

KleinBlue · 07/12/2020 07:03

[quote saraclara]@Friendsoftheearth why joyless? We're a quiet family but our Christmases are full of warmth and love and joy.
How bizarre to think that only rowdy people can be joyful.[/quote]
You think it’s coincidental that the OP’s husband’s preference for ‘quiet and controlled” occasions has produced ‘quiet and controlled’ children? Allied to the fact that he has said a blanket ‘no’ to having the other family for Christmas after the OP has implicitly if not explicitly already invited them?

KatherineJaneway · 07/12/2020 07:09

Was it a definite plan, in so much as she is expecting to come to yours?

BeingATwatItsABingThing · 07/12/2020 07:19

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about these subjects:

Events & celebrations Families

NoSquirrels · 07/12/2020 07:25

We adore our friend but have talked about Christmas together and i chose my friend to be in the bubble during lockdown.

If you haven't made plans already, then perhaps she's expecting to be alone with her DC on Christmas Day - the 'rules' are different and the Christmas 'bubble' can be different. Do neither of you have any family or friends who want to vist?

Anyway, even if you don't, you don't have to spend Christmas Day together - get together on Christmas Eve and Boxing Day instead.

If you have invited her and her DC already, and now your DH is changing the goalposts, that is crap of him. But if you invited her without your DH's agreement, that is crap of you. If (which is what it sounds like) no one has specifically invited anyone, then it's a non-problem.

Superstardjs · 07/12/2020 07:30

Do not do Christmas with her. A couple of hours of 'spirited 'children is hard enough. If you don't have a child/ren like this, people can be very dismissive of how difficult it is to have to be with them. Do not ruin your own day with someone else's children.

KatherineJaneway · 07/12/2020 07:33

Also if the kids are loud normally, then the volume will definitely go up with all that Christmas excitement.

BeaufortScale · 07/12/2020 07:34

Nothing wrong with being a quiet family which values calmness and hates screeching and talking over each other. And no reason at all for that to make you joyless - I value listening to Carols from Kings with my DC, and would hate it if they couldn’t stay quiet so I could hear the music, for example.

But if you’ve bubbled, I think you may have to suck it up this year. You can’t leave her on her own with the kids. But plan in lots of outdoor time and also perhaps a kids film while adults chat after lunch.

MarthasGinYard · 07/12/2020 07:34

She must be quite a new friend if you didn't realise how loud her dc were. Unless you've actually properly asked her I'd cancel.

Redlocks28 · 07/12/2020 07:37

This is bizarre. She’s such a good friend that she’s in your bubble and you invite her for Christmas, but you ‘didn’t realise’ that they were so noisy that they cause you stress and migraines?!

How?

Magicbabywaves · 07/12/2020 07:41

I think we need more I formation.
Is she on her own?

Original poster

Narcs1 · 07/12/2020 08:35

Thank you so much for all the messages. I take on board all that you say and there's a lot to digest. We do respectfully remind the children to quieten down but there's obviously the golden rule not to tell other people's children off so it is down to what we cope with. my friend is exhausted and doesn't tell the children off and is glad of a break. And we are really pleased to help where we can. But the noise level was astonishing and no, there was no effort made to just stop them and ask them to be respectful. They are not bad kids, just parented differently but it's raised a flag how much we can cope with. To wake in the night with the same headache as going to bed and with the shouting in my head has made me feel I need to be sensible. The invite is not set in stone. Sorry if I haven't addressed every point.

OP posts:

Original poster

Narcs1 · 07/12/2020 08:42

Yes it is a single parent household.

OP posts:

HuntedForest · 07/12/2020 09:12

but there's obviously the golden rule not to tell other people's children off

What??? You're looking after the kids, you tell them off. Stop being such a wet blanket! Perfect time to use the sentences "my house, my rules." And "we don't do that here." Plus which, kids usually pay more attention when it's not a parent telling them off.

PoulePouletteEternellement · 07/12/2020 09:39

I will not assume your family life is joyless, as you haven't suggested that. But your husband's insistence on a quiet, controlled Christmas honestly sends shivers up my spine. It's not what I'd have wanted as a child - and it wouldn't have left terribly pleasant memories.

But each to their own.

Simplyunacceptable · 07/12/2020 09:48

Your husband sounds like an absolute joy.

You’re allowed to not like someone else’s children, plenty of people feel this way but you chose to bubble with her. This year is obviously a weird one so if she has no one else to spend Christmas with as a result, I’d suck it up this year.

billy1966 · 07/12/2020 10:03

To wake still with a headache is something.

How old are the children?

I think you need to tell her that you woke with a terrible headache after the visit and your husband has said he couldn't do that again on Christmas day.

That noise level sounds horrendous and unbelievable that you would sit and accept it.

I can't bear unnecessary screaming so would have had to make it clear it was completely unacceptable.

I think you need to be honest.
The screaming was horrendous, you had a dreadful headache and your husband is adamant that he couldn't go through it again on Christmas day.

Someone who's children are allowed to behave like that has to accept that people will not want them to visit.

Children can be noisy, it's a part of play, but relentless screaming is not.
I simply wouldn't tolerate it.

lazylump72 · 07/12/2020 10:08

Please dont invite them..it has disaster written all over it .You will be on edge and so will your dh .It just is not worth it. I get what your dh said about a quiet controlled xmas and I agree with him. You all want space to do your thing being comfortable and calm..I get this totally.Invite the guests and it will be intolerable. I wouldnt give it a second thought.If you want to see them then pp over to theirs for a cuppa then when you have had enough you can leave!! If you do invite them knowing how they are then everyones Xmas will be ruined,

LittleOverwhelmed · 07/12/2020 10:10

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ at the poster's request.

Ginfordinner · 07/12/2020 11:20

If you do end up having them over you need to tell your friend that you will be telling the children off for being too noisy, and if they won't be quiter they have to go home.

PoulePouletteEternellement · 07/12/2020 11:27

"Christmas 2020, the one where we went to Mum's friends house for the day, but they made us leave before lunch because we were too noisy? So we had to go home and eat Christmas Eve leftovers for lunch. Best Christmas Ever."

Ginfordinner · 07/12/2020 11:29

And why not? If the OP spells it out to her friend before Christmas maybe it will encourage her to control her children.

Original poster

Narcs1 · 07/12/2020 13:08

I think everyone has a point and tbh you've all given me helpful feedback. I think it might be best if I gently explain that the constant screaming and shouting and interrupting is something we will struggle with for hours and it might be better if we can work something else out or else we could ask the parent to explain to the kids what is expected before they come here. I agree with the 'my house, my rules' but its getting a balance where people feel genuinely welcome but also where I am not left feeling like I will burst into tears because it is too much. We don't want a joyless house and yes, kids making noise and happy laughter is the best thing. Obviously life is not a bed of roses for kids neither and you expect squabbles and frayed tempers as much as all the best bits of having kids around. But I think things came to ahead when the pick up happened and we had given all the kids 200% for hours and I sat down for a few moments only for the kids (not mine) to come into the room where the mum was and they started shouting and screaming in front of us and laughing. I said that after a long play, it was time for quiet time and everyone was getting tired now and they ignored us and carried on laughing and shouting. This is what I've found difficult. I think they'll grow up fine in the end. I get that kids are hard work at the best of times but everyone has a cut off point. I would struggle to tell them off. It's probably just my personality but I don't feel this would resolve things?

OP posts:

Original poster

Narcs1 · 07/12/2020 13:11

I just want to say that all the feedback you've given has helped me loads and I feel its given me quite a bit of clarity. Thank you :)

OP posts:

Original poster

Narcs1 · 07/12/2020 13:13

The kids are 9 and 7

OP posts:

KleinBlue · 07/12/2020 13:19

or else we could ask the parent to explain to the kids what is expected before they come here.

I'm struggling to see how that could work without making an invitation for Christmas Day sound pretty unappealing. I mean, what do you expect? To keep under a certain level of decibels? No interrupting? Was the day you looked after them very long and full on indeed that you had retreated to sit down before they had even left? Are you and your husband unusually sensitive to noise? Can't you just let them play in another room? I hardly ever pay much attention to DS's visiting friends when they're here.

I tend personally to discount 'handover' times, especially when children are tired or over-excited, and behave in completely out of character ways, because they intuit that the lines of authority are blurred -- they're in X's house, but their mother is there to collect, so it's not clear what exactly the pecking order is. My eight year old and his friends, who are generally reasonably biddable, can sometimes be completely demented when a collecting parent arrives.

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