Christmas with friends kids who are too loud

[Narcs1]

We are a very quiet family and our friend is very quiet too. However her children are so loud (shouting or screaming) most of the time. I didn't realise how bad it was until we babysat them last week with my own children (who are very quiet). At the end of the day after they had been collected, my husband and I breathed a sigh of relief as we had reached the limits of what we could cope with. Later on I developed a headache and the noise and stress of those kids is hard to shake off. We adore our friend but have talked about Christmas together and i chose my friend to be in the bubble during lockdown. But tbh we have been left out of our comfort zone and I find the thought of welcoming them for Christmas day is stressful with their noise level. My husband says having them for Christmas is a flat no. Small doses are OK but he wants a quiet controlled Christmas with our own kids. I feel stuck as normally I'd just smile politely and make them welcome but my husband is refusing to have his Christmas spoilt with screaming, shouting and constant talking over. I am now stuck as I do not want to let my friend down. Does anyone have any ideas on what I can do? I am stuck as I adore my friend. 2

That's a good question. I have an 18 year old, 16 year old and also a 6 year old. So I have some experience of kids and their friends. Noise and laughter is fine. We have friends who have kids who need reining in from time to time which I consider normal and the parents do this. But I wrote on here for advice and thoughts because this is hours of what I believe is excessive attention seeking and that is why the nose level is there. Kids love to interact and feel they part of something. And we have been happy to offer this which is why we played with them for hours and giggled and cooked and played board games. But there was absolutely no let up. The shouting and talking over us just to get their attention and then they had nothing to say and then more loud pitched laughter and screaming suddenly hit me and I felt drained and exhausted. I could sense that my husband had had enough. A few hours later I felt the headache come on and in the night woke up and all that was rushing round my head was high pitched screaming and shouting and i found it very unsettling

Hm, would any sort of compromise work?
Have them over for brunch and a walk. Suggest to the mother that you want to keep it calm. Tell them as they come in that there will be no crazy crazy. Tell them off where you need. Get them something to do. Or tell the mother to bring a good toy.

Being devil's advocate, it sounds to me as if you and your husband, in your desire to give the visiting kids a good time, may have inadvertently frothed them up into a pitch of excitement by paying them so much attention, and thus created the situation.

My DS's next youngest cousin is twelve years older than him, and I do find my lovely SILs and BILS (who have not been able to see as much of DS as they would like because of us living abroad, and so are thrilled to spend time with him) froth him up into a pitch of excitement with lovely games and lots of attention, but are a lot less good at managing to calm him down again. And yes, it can send him into a slightly manic mood where he's drunk on concentrated adult attention and loses the run of himself in a way he wouldn't at home.

That said, Christmas won't be a good time to try to regain your skills in child-calming, so that doesn't solve anything! But if you're looking after them again on an ordinary day, I would factor in some time where they're not the focus of adult attention, like watching a gentle film, to calm everything down.

That sounds like a nightmare. I would prefer a quiet and controlled Christmas. I used to teach young kids so I k ow exactly what kind of deafening shrieking you are referring to!

Your friend sounds burnt out though, if she can’t tell her kids off. I think you need to have a chat with her and explain.

I get this.

My ds is very quiet. Sometimes a little too quiet and I'd happily accept him being a bit louder on special occasions.

My friends dds are loud. They interrupt, want the room watching them, don't go off and play and entertain themselves.

I found it hard work having them for hours because I just wanted to spend time with my friend.

So my compromise was always come here for lunch and then I'd have a ore arranged and suggested outdoor activity for afterwards. That way o got to speak to my friend as they ran off energy and my poor ds who found them far too much more than I did could come back to a quiet house and recover

my friend is exhausted and doesn't tell the children off and is glad of a break.

Oh dear.

I know exactly what you mean OP and at any other time of year you can be the controlling friend who corrals them into other rooms and teaches them about noise levels. On Christmas Day, however, that would be extremely Grinchy of you and your husband unless you want them going home saying what a shit day they'd had and their beleaguered mum felt a crap parent. I think it's got to be all or nothing so get ready to have that difficult conversation with your mate - you could say your nerves and MH have suffered this year so would they like to meet up for a long walk instead as you've both decided to have a low-key Christmas? I totally get where hubby is coming from but this needs to be handled tactfully - good luck.

A “quiet, controlled Christmas”

Blink twice if you’re ok OP.

Seriously though, none of your answers have addresses whether your friend will now have to spend Christmas without contact outwith her household, because you “bubbled up”.

So things like whether you actually asked her round or led her to expect that, whether she will have other options or whether her other options have now bubbled up with others. These things make a difference to what it would be right to do in this situation.

Generally speaking, best to leave the dance with the one that brought you.