ExP has started contact proceedings with soilcitor

[Rochary]

Hi, I wasnt sure which category to post this in.

I have 1 DC with ex partner. We separated 4 months ago. He is abusive and has assaulted me since we split (logged with police). Sends me hundreds of vile messages none stop (also logged with the police). Social services aware.
He has been having regular contact with DC one day a week for a few hours. It's become unbearable for me to do handover. I dont have anybody else to do it and he refuses to ask anybody to do it.
I havent let him collect DC for the past fortnight because I've had enough of the abuse.
He has been to a solicitor and I should receive correspondence from them any day now regarding mediation.
At risk of sounding really stupid, what should I expect now?
I've never been through this before. I dont know how the process works.
I'd be really grateful if somebody could explain this to me.

Thank you for reading

Hopeful bump

Find yourself a solicitor, ideally one whose name is on the Children Panel. Google will be your friend. Legal aid is rare but if there is a history of domestic abuse, you should be eligible. If and when you receive the request for mediation, discuss this at length with your own solicitor.
Some solicitors have trained mediators on their staff. Mediation is often very helpful but not always, especially if domestic abuse and current threats are present..
Do you have a Contact Centre in your area? That can be a solution to allowing children not see a parent. You wouldn't need to see your ex, just arrive at the centre and a member of staff would take your little one in. Contact centres don't supervise individual sessions, but one of their staff/volunteers is present in the room where parents (usually fathers) see their child. Age appropriate toys available.
The family courts for a while favoured direct contact for most parents, however, domestic abuse seems to be more on their agenda now.
If he continues to be so threatening and violent, your solicitor may support you in refusing direct contact. Has your child been present during assaults?

Cafcass may be appointed to do a report under Section 7. If it becomes very complicated, a Children's Guardian could be appointed to represent your little one.

This probably sounds very grim to you. I agree, it is grim. I hope you find a good solicitor and get proper legal advice.

Hopefully they will grant a contact centre although my ex repeatedly book the requests to arrive at a different time to me and apparently they couldn't do anything as it was a request not a rule - I had a non harassment order at the time. Once the contact moved outside of the centre the judge saw fit to lift the non harassment order to save complicating the pick up and drop off. Thankfully he behaved though as they'd have put it back pretty quickly had he not. Not wanting to be the barer of bad news but sometimes it's better to be prepared. Get a good solicitor!

*repeatedly ignored the requests

Thank you both for the advice, much appreciated

So first things first, I need a solicitor.
He is making all sorts of unreasonable requests and threats about what he wants to achieve via mediation.
I work on a rota, I work one day every weekend, could be saturday one week, Sunday the next. My DM looks after DC on the days I work. He refuses to collect DC from her. Demands I do handover when I physically cant as I'm in work! He is jealous that my DM helps me out and i dont need his help regarding childcare.
He says he is going to request that i drop DC off to him on a sunday at 10, even though I dont drive and I start work at 8am.
Will mediators and court take into account that I physically cannot be as flexible as he is demanding?
I have emails of him saying all of this. Will I look petty producing these. Hes really really awful and unreasonable toward me.

@lotsofdogshere yes DC was in the house at the time of assault, although in bed, still not acceptable.

They'd be likely to have a set time and date where possible, although you could request it be your day off, but it absolutely would not be limited to you having to drop off. He'd not be able my I refuse your mum doing it and I'd imagine a judge will tell him how ridiculous he's being with that. They won't care that you don't
Have a car though - my ex insisted I do one of the trips even though it was a 1.5 hour minimum one way journey via 2- 3 busses by the time I'd done the drop off etc and waited for a bus back it could take in excess of 4 hours, he did his turn in his girlfriends car which took about 20 minutes. Court granted this.

Sorry, I didnt make very clear re emails. It's all said in a Haha, condescending, "you will be chasing me to have DC" , "I will not be helping you out by picking DC up" way!
It's very clear on the emails he is being very unreasonable and trying to make my life hard

Have you spoken to Women's Aid? Do you have an IDVA?

Agree re solicitor.

Please remember when you get the first letter from his solicitor it is mindless piffle that your ex has instructed them to write... They may try bully boy tactics to avoid court - especially given ex is recorded as abusive... He won't have disclosed this to his legal advisor...
Unless a judge decides how things are to be take the threats with a huge salt shaker..

@midnightstar66 it's ridiculous having the primary carer doing drop off, as if we dont have enough on our plate without having to drop off.
I imagine they will have to have some sort of consideration re my working hours. He would be more than welcome to collect from my DM if I were to be in work on his contact day. I can see a mediator/judge laughing at him refusing to collect from DM as there is no valid reason. He just wants me to he present at handover so he can verbally abuse me.

@user191245365 I was in contact with my local DV support in September after the assault, they were very good, we were getting the ball rolling for a non mol but he had stopped being abusive for a few weeks so I stupidly put it on hold thinking he could be amicable. He has since returned to being abusive.
Sorry, what is an IDVA?

@Santaisironingwrappingpaper
Thank you, he did send a threatening email re the first letter. Saying if you dont respond I'll be taking you to court etc.
And yes, he really thinks the assault wasnt assault because he didnt physically punch me, he threw me and dragged me around. I was covered in large bruises all over my body. The police have all the photos.

The courts and cafcass will take any DV seriously, especially given that you have police records of this. He is trying to minimise his behaviour and his requests for contact given you are working are unreasonable- he is trying to continue to manipulate you and possibly abuse you further by seeing you face to face. Supervised or supported contact sounds like an option for the future. As for mediation, it shouldn't be considered because of DV history. I came out of family court in august after 16 months. It is a tough and emotional journey but you can do this with legal help- I did 1 hearing self representing and I couldn't handle it at all so went back to the solicitors for more advice.
Please make sure you document everything, keep a diary and print out emails/screenshots, get the evidence and a copy of the police reports as this should help. But also, it will be focusing on your children not just you.

@itsme thank you for the reply

Yes I'm going to need a solicitor. It's all very draining at this point without even having reached court yet.

He is abusive and manipulative. He drives past my house every night and emails me asking about cars parked on the street. Accuses me of sleeping with owners of said cars, calls me a slag at least 5 times a day. I could go on but i wont as the language is disgusting at best.
I know he is entering my garden at night time as the latch is open every morning.
A neighbour pulled him on the street a few nights ago and asked him what he was doing here. So even the neighbours are noticing hes unhinged.
The police make me feel like I'm wasting there time and minimise it all, I give up with them really.
I have proof hes stalking me via emails anyway as hes so stupid he doesn't realise everything he types and sends can be used as evidence.

Part of me doesn't want him having DC but I know that's frowned upon in court. He only wants a few hours on a sunday so I just put up and shut up for an easy life although I may request every other weekend and see how that goes.

Oh and obviously I am sleeping with said neighbour he couldn't possibly just be innocently looking out for me knowing I'm being stalked

Please get security installed. Even a ring doorbell can be your friend as it will see him coming and going at all hours. This is your evidence that he’s unhinged. At the moment you have the messages but surely a full picture of messages AND video evidence can’t do any harm to have.

I know they aren’t cheap but qvc has good pay in monthly instalments type deals on.

I find his behaviour very scary. If you win your case through the courts it could trigger even worse behaviour from him. Some guys just can handle losing. That’s why I’m suggesting you cover your back now.

You’ve done so well to escape this bastard. I hope you get this all sorted soon in a way that you want.

I have proof hes stalking me via emails anyway as hes so stupid he doesn't realise everything he types and sends can be used as evidence.

Not if he denies sending them though. Even with a non harassment order in place exp just denied and denied he'd sent messages. Someone could have hacked his account etc. Depends what a brass neck he's got but sounds like he's capable of that.

The courts frown on mothers stopping access for no reason. You have a good reason.

You can say that due to his violent, obsessive and abusive behaviour that he needs a risk assessment and show your evidence to back it up. He should have to pay for this, which my solicitor says is about 3k. If found to be a risk then he will need to pay for courses to address his behaviour, but can only go on those courses if he admits the behaviour.

To be honest in my experience the court didn't care a jot about any past withholding of contact, in fact I was commended for allowing contact centre contact before it was ordered - the 2 years before that where I'd blocked and ignored all contact/ correspondence from him was never addressed or taken in to consideration and it was accepted that my concern was genuine for the dc's safety. All they really care about is what happens from there forward

@Elieza thank you, it wasnt a hard decision to get rid of him! Hes an insecure little man that's intimidated by a working woman that is self sufficient and independent.

He tried and failed to make me give up work and be the meek little housewife relying on him for everything. He cannot stand that I'm perfectly fine and functioning with a job, college and baby without him.
According to him I am a bad mother for "dumping" DC with a childminder and DM.
He genuinely believes I am neglecting DC and he would openly profess this in a court room

@inkienecro thank you. He claims benefits and works cash in hand. Refuses to financially provide for DC.
I am confused as one email he is laughing and claiming he has been allocated legal aid and he can fight me all the way at no cost to him but in a second email he says he has paid 150 for solicitor letter and 250 for mediation.
He is a compulsive liar and it's hard to differentiate fact from fiction with him

@midnightstar66

Thank you, this is why I definitley need to find a solicitor urgently so i know what to do for the best. I need to lay the facts out and work out where I best to go from there.

I would invest in some glitter bombs for your gate op... Cheap and very rewarding.. He can't have a go at you can he??
After all he shouldn't have been there..

@Santaisironingwrappingpaper

Rochary, the more information you give, the more obvious the concerns become.
When you say the police are useless are you talking about one of the specialist domestic abuse teams or the different officers who respond when you phone them? I heard one such officer describe a situation as "six of one and half a dozen of the other". There was a history of serious domestic abuse but that record was one the next officer would see first. The specialist teams tend to be well trained and develop good understanding of the kind of manipulation and threats you describe. Where there is a history of police involvement, the court usually orders force wide incident records to be disclose into the proceedings. The photographs will form part of that.
Keep safe

@lotsofdogshere I have never spoken with anyone from a special domestic abuse team. The same officers attended at each incident as they would all happen around the same time each evening. There were 2 male officers in particular that would attend. A sergeant attended one night and took my statement for the assault, he couldn't get away quick enough, kept saying his radio was going off for an RTC and he needed to go. A few days later the male officers came round encouraging me to retract my statement. They make me feel like I'm an inconvenience and I'm wasting their time. I retracted because I knew everything would still be on file anyway.
Theres also a domestic violence checklist (unsure of the exact name) that helps the police to assess the risk level. Twice, the same officers discussed it in front of me and agreed amongst themselves that they didnt need to do it!
The police force in my area are renowned for being shockingly shit at dealing with domestic violence and I understand why.
I know the police are stretched but the way they have conducted themselves is appalling.
To be honest, I had stopped calling them after a while, the neighbours began ringing them instead. They're neither use nor ornament where I am.
The records they do have should be useful should we reach court