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Original poster

ExP has started contact proceedings with soilcitor

57 replies

Rochary · 06/12/2020 20:00

Hi, I wasnt sure which category to post this in.

I have 1 DC with ex partner. We separated 4 months ago. He is abusive and has assaulted me since we split (logged with police). Sends me hundreds of vile messages none stop (also logged with the police). Social services aware.
He has been having regular contact with DC one day a week for a few hours. It's become unbearable for me to do handover. I dont have anybody else to do it and he refuses to ask anybody to do it.
I havent let him collect DC for the past fortnight because I've had enough of the abuse.
He has been to a solicitor and I should receive correspondence from them any day now regarding mediation.
At risk of sounding really stupid, what should I expect now?
I've never been through this before. I dont know how the process works.
I'd be really grateful if somebody could explain this to me.

Thank you for reading

OP posts:
Original poster
Rochary · 07/12/2020 14:14

On the night of the assault it was agreed that he was going to be arrested when found. They went to his house that night, spoke to him and that was that.
He was not arrested like they had said he would be.

OP posts:
midnightstar66 · 07/12/2020 14:16

Even if they are useless keep calling and keep getting them to record every last thing. The record will be valuable to your lawyer and the court

CodenameVillanelle · 07/12/2020 14:18

Go back to the DV service and get your non mol. It's such a shame you dropped it. You can't be forced to do handovers if you have a non mol.
Mediation is also the first step and you don't have to attend if you can evidence DV.

MyOwnSummer · 07/12/2020 14:21

0808 802 0300 - National Stalking Helpline - www.suzylamplugh.org/pages/category/national-stalking-helpline

What he is doing is a crime, even if the individual police that you have spoken to have been useless so far. Perhaps it is worth reaching out to the helpline via phone or the web, social media etc for some specialist advice on what to say to the police, other support you can access etc.

Are you keeping a log with date/times of all stalking incidents, emails etc? If not, make one now and keep it up to date going forward.

I'm very sorry this is happening to you. Flowers

Original poster
Rochary · 07/12/2020 15:57

Update
Received an email from him confirming he has paid for mediation and drugs test. He has postponed drug test till mid jan to ensure drugs are out of his system. Hmm
(Cannabis)

He has requested that I go into mediation and do not speak about anything he has done and only speak about DC.

Email ignored. Will be finding own solicitor and providing evidence of DV and skipping mediation.

OP posts:
itsme · 07/12/2020 16:29

Oh wow the plot thickens. He's again trying to control you into doing as he wants, by stating that he smokes cannabis he has just opened a whole new can of worms for the courts/ solicitors/cafcass. In all honesty I wouldn't even entertain the idea of any contact until you have been for legal advice. Don't do anything that will compromise your position at all. You have very good reasoning to stop any contact. Can I ask how old your children are please?

Santaisironingwrappingpaper · 07/12/2020 16:31

Give a man enough rope.....

Original poster
Rochary · 07/12/2020 16:39

@itsme yes contact is definitley off. It's been off for two weeks now because I cannot carry on the way things are. He will not be having contact until it's gone through court now.

He is a CF. His solicitor probably asked if there was DV and he would have said no and will now be shitting himself.
I will not be speaking to him other than through a solicitor now.
He says in the email he is going to tell them he doesn't drive (he does) and doesn't work (he does) because he thinks this then means they will force me to drop DC off with him. Over my dead body will I be running around facilitating contact with an abusive bastard!

Social services told me a few weeks ago that they do not want me doing handover with him, another thing that will go against him.

DC is 2.

OP posts:
BluebellsGreenbells · 07/12/2020 16:39

Op once you get a solicitor they will enable to help you document every detail
They will find all the relevant paperwork, emails, police records, doctors records etc

Then they’ll approach the courts about access for the DC and suggest a court order for him to keep away. Plus maintence etc

They will give you your rights and the rights of your child.

You will feel more empowered this way.

Original poster
Rochary · 07/12/2020 16:48

@Santaisironingwrappingpaper Grin

@BluebellsGreenbells spot on! This is exactly my plan.
He has literally shot himself in the foot doing this.
He has basically been given the green light thus far to be an abusive bastard by everybody involved. He genuinely thinks he has done nothing wrong here because he has had no comeuppance for any of his actions.
Hes going to get the shock of his life.

OP posts:
BluebellsGreenbells · 07/12/2020 16:57

You have to remember he has been conditioning you for years abs won’t expect the fight you’ll put up.

Stick to your guns

dublingirl66 · 07/12/2020 16:59

I feel for you
Been through this nownforn14 months

It is awful

Stay strong
Don't lose hope

I would get a non mol
Also go ahead and press charges why would you not??

Original poster
Rochary · 07/12/2020 17:02

@BluebellsGreenbells absolutely! I will not be giving in to any of his ridiculous demands and I certainly will not remain silent on his behaviour!

@dublingirl66 thank you Flowers sorry you're going through this. Does your ex have contact?

OP posts:
dublingirl66 · 07/12/2020 17:36

Not at the moment after significant d v

itsme · 08/12/2020 06:51

Was thinking of you, hope you're ok OP.

GalaxyCookieCrumble · 08/12/2020 07:03

You need to a Non mol order out and speak to Woman's Aid ASAP, you should not attend mediation if you have been a victim of domestic abuse, which you are. Please speak to WA and they will help get a non mol in place first.

Original poster
Rochary · 08/12/2020 07:05

@itsme thank you so much, I'm doing well. Hes pledged to stop emailing me now and only contact through solicitor.
We will see how that goes Confused

OP posts:
GalaxyCookieCrumble · 08/12/2020 07:08

And do not reply to texts, calls etc, only reply politely to emails about your DC but keep a record of every single thing he does. If he threatens you call the police and report every time, do not let the call handler fob you off as they will try too.

FelicityPike · 08/12/2020 07:09

Definitely save that new email!

GalaxyCookieCrumble · 08/12/2020 07:15

@Rochary

On the night of the assault it was agreed that he was going to be arrested when found. They went to his house that night, spoke to him and that was that. He was not arrested like they had said he would be.
Sounds exactly like the same police force as mine, useless, even with 4 breaches of a non mol where powers of arrest were attached and my brother is a serving police officer with this force, they gave me a diary car appointment a week later, and not once was my ex husband arrested. Same police force that let Dom Cummings off on his trip.
Original poster
Rochary · 08/12/2020 07:21

@GalaxyCookieCrumble its very disheartening when they do this, it makes you feel like they have more rights than you, the victim!

I definitley wont be attending mediation with him.
I'd be surprised if any judge in the land would grant him his ridiculous requests.

OP posts:
Mummyoflittledragon · 08/12/2020 07:33

He’s royally screwed up now with admitting taking drugs. Good. Your poor lo being a pawn like this and witnessing daddy being an abusive wanker to mummy. Flowers

Original poster
Rochary · 08/12/2020 07:37

@Mummyoflittledragon agreed. DC is so sweet and loving. It's hard to comprehend how his own father cant just be amicable and concentrate on his relationship with DC.
It could all be so simple...

OP posts:
JiltedJohnsJulie · 08/12/2020 07:55

Go back to the DV service and get your non mol. It's such a shame you dropped it. You can't be forced to do handovers if you have a non mol.
Mediation is also the first step and you don't have to attend if you can evidence DV.

Please, please do this before you do anything else.

Santaisironingwrappingpaper · 08/12/2020 07:56

His attitude towards you could cost him his access. My exh lost his case to see my dc as the judge ruled his hatred towards me would be damaging for my dc.
*my dc not ours.

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