Coronavirus has made me realise how little people bother with me

[SallyNoMates]

Name changed for this

I am lying awake having a bit of a pity party, please pull up a chair and join this Sally No Mates.

The whole pandemic situation has highlighted how little I matter to others.

It dawned on me a few weeks back that it was always me getting in touch with others, so I left it to see what happened.
Nobody has texted , called or suggested a walk etc. Its been like this since March. Even the person I considered a close friend is clearly not interested.

I just feel like such a loser. Dh is going for a walk with his friend today and his phone is constantly pinging messages.

The thing is I have always got the friend thing wrong somehow. I moved alot as a child and went to numerous schools so never had longterm friendships until adulthood. But I just seem to get it wrong. I have been thinking about it for months and I feel like I do the right things;. I dont slag people off, I dont go on about stuff and stay in touch. Just try to be a good friend , but its rarely reciprocated.

Example, I have a small group of friends from uni I am the eldest by a few months.. My 40tb came and went , we all went for dinner to celebrate that I arranged but there was no additional effort made. 5 months later it was someone else's 40th and a whatsappgtpip was set up to organise a gift and night out.

I look back and it's always been like that. I am just never quite in the group. I always seem to be the one doing more for others.am I alone in this ?

It's like theres an invisible set of rules I dont know about.

The other example was a group we met when the DCs were tiny, there were 4 families and to start with it was good. But then a few of them became toxic , lots of backstabbing etc. DH and I stepped away a bit but stayed in touch.ijust didnt want to be sat listening to X slagging off Y or vice versa.. there was no drama or argument, we just didn't take part in the bitchfest and tried to be neutral when comments were made. Then I realised we were being squeezed out , no longer invited to events etc. Fast forward 15 years and they are all still friends , all over SM at parties etc. I dont get it because even now , if I were to bump into one of them the other would make a sly dig about the other even when they're all over FB hugging each other etc.

Every job I have been at I have felt the outsider. I leave and dont stay in touch like others seem to.

The common denominator is me, I know that.

Anyone other Sally No Mates out there ?

I wonder if some of it is down to social media?
For example in days gone by you wouldn’t have been aware that the friends you’d made when the kids were small were in touch with each other?
I find myself feeling similar about a group of girls from school I was semi friends with and see that 20yrs later they are a strong group and meet up etc and I was never invited. It gives me a stab of sadness when I see it. But the reality is that without the modern wonders of Facebook I’d have no idea what they were up to and probably wouldn’t give it a second thought

I have experience of this. It's not just about not being part of 'the group' but knowing someone else cares. I'll give an example. I had a WhatsApp chat with my NCT group. Earlier this year, pre lockdown, I had a very traumatic miscarriage the week before one of the other members was due to have a planned c section for her second. I left the group suddenly because I literally couldn't cope being in a group that would soon have baby pictures etc in. I contacted one member to tell her what had happened. One other person out of eight got in touch to ask if I was ok. And only one other has ever contacted me since. I'm sure some would say they were respecting my decision, they didn't know what to say etc. I'm sorry but if that had been anyone else in the group I would have sent a message. My point is, you can talk about making investments etc, I had, I set up the chat! But for hardly any of them to ever ask if I'm ok has been very hurtful

Me too. I messaged my one and only friend well over a week ago and still haven't heard back because I know her social life is much better than mine.

DH has loads of friends; group chats ping constantly, yet I have none. He even has nice little family group chats, unlike me who comes from a broken home.

I'm finding it really depressing lately, magnified by the fact we moved to a new area before lockdown (where all of DH's friends are) so I feel even more isolated. I'm studying full time at the minute, so hoping once I finish and start working again, i'll meet people.

The other day I realised the only people i've text in weeks are my DM, DF and DH. Hmph.

I feel much better for seeing it's not just me. Yes I agree SM has a part to play as it's all so much more 'in your face'. I also know what you mean @leavingtime. I dont put up with people who are shit friends. I dont mean I'm unforgiving, but if someone is consistently a crap friend then i take that as a hint rather than keep forcing the friendship.

@offredofjune same for me, moved just before lockdown to where DH is from so only really have DH here and DM to talk to and he has loads of friends to zoom with every week and go for social walks on. I posted on another thread and someone suggested I could join some social clubs to make friends, as if that has been so easy this year...

I'm also a Sally no mates, all my friends drifted apart after school. The one close friend I stayed in touch with now barely ever gets in contact since I've got kids and she hasn't. I'm always seem to be the one making an effort with her.
At my curret job I'm a loner as the women in the office are bitchy and have been nasty with every other woman that's been employed in my position.
I have felt sad and down as I have no real friends, after reading this thread it's strange that it's more common than I knew.

I had this experience when I suddenly developed a chronic illness and was in bed for three months... hardly anyone noticed! Quite a shock as on the surface I seemed to be quite popular and outgoing. However... I have since discovered that I have ASD which makes sense of the mismatch between how I thought my life was... and the reality. It has really helped me make sense of things and lowered my expectations of both myself and others in terms of friendship... I think this is more common that we realise.

Did you move to your DH'S home town? Would explain why he's always busy?

I can definitely relate to the fact that it's harder making friends once you have done with uni / school.

Do you have kids, OP? I find having kids is a massive door opener to making friends as adults. However, it's always kid-centric

I’m the same and I also moved around a lot as a child due to the military.

I have one close friend, the others come and go. I have no problems asking friends but they’re not close friendships.

I think many are feeling this more at the moment as friends may be struggling in their different ways?i have had a few go very quiet and I think there’s a great mixture of stress/ anxiety/ not coping at the moment and that won’t apply everywhere but I do definitely know a couple of my friends are more vulnerable at the moment so it’s not always personal .

@Squiffany

I’m the same and I also moved around a lot as a child due to the military.

I have one close friend, the others come and go. I have no problems asking friends but they’re not close friendships.

Also, the older I get, the more I think I have undiagnosed ASD.

@miimblemomble

Op

I have a very low self esteem and find myself assuming that people tolerate me rather than like me.

I think this is a common denominator for a lot of people who struggle to make friends and keep up friendships. My lovely SIL is exactly like this. And she attracts crappy friends because of it. She doesn’t feel like she deserves to be prioritised in anyone’s life, so she isn’t. And she comes across as a martyr, when she really isn’t. I try not to get impatient with her cringing because I know where it comes from, but it’s hard.

In the kindest way, your whole post is about how other people don’t include you in their lives. How about turning it round and thinking about how you could include them in your life? I know this is very hard in lockdowns etc. But in normal times, I have lots of friends and different friendship groups. I put a lot of time and effort into supporting my friends, and keeping in touch, and I organise stuff - 121 meets and bigger events. I welcome people into my home, and - crucially - I assume that my friends actively want to hear from me, to spend time with me, to be part of my life. Otherwise they wouldn’t be my friends? If I get a vibe that they don’t prioritise me in that way then I let them go their own way, quite happily. There’s a world full of people to be friends with. My mum is exactly the same - sociable, willing to open up, generous, an organiser etc.

But feeling good about yourself is the first step, believing that you are important too. And that’s not easy if you’ve grown up being taught / believing otherwise. Getting older and giving less of a crap does help!

This.

OP, there have been about fifty of these posts on Mn since the summer. I’m in no way minimising the hurt felt by you and the many other posters posting virtually identical experiences, but the most striking thing all these posts have in common is that they’re posted by people who automatically prioritise other people and are inveterate people-pleasers, and are hurt and confused when other people don’t behave the same way.

To put it bluntly, OP, you sound as if you’ve habitually placed yourself in the ‘service’ position in these friendships, and are then surprised when you’re less ‘visible’ than the others. Don’t you expect people to want to see you (in normal times)? Don’t you have a strong sense of everything you bring to a friendship, rather than ‘not going on about things’ and keeping in touch, which makes you sound like the wallpaper?

Do you even like these friends? Have you actually said to the fighting friends what you think of their behaviour?

Squiffany, it's very interesting and has been very helpful for me to get that diagnosis. I actually can make friends (as a good masker!) but keeping them is harder... particularly when I don't want to mask any more or the mask slips.

One upshot is realising that there are people out there who I like and like me... but they are few and far between. I have made my peace with this though and it has allowed me to step aside from trying to fit in with the mothers at the school gate etc. and being grateful when I pick up a new friend here and there.

I was the type to drift through friends at school. I then found my crowd at uni and have stayed friends for 20 plus years. The one thing I would say is don't label yourself otherwise you feel insecure in your friendships. Also don't overthink them - most tight friendships take years to form x

I’m the same, had thought that during the lockdown, but having been in isolation for 2 weeks, I’ve realised not one friend/work colleague has even checked in ok.

I'm the same op.

Two friends from a city I no longer live in.

A third from another city.

We never see each other much anyway due to this.

Sorry you are feeling lonely 😞

Me. Frequently feel like that person! I think more people feel like it than we think and we probably do it to each other too.

@KleinBlue I take your point... but if without putting yourself in the service position no one would ever speak to you,it can feel better to have “pretend” friends than the honest reality.

Having said that I have over the past ten years got choosier. I have less time but when contact is always one way I have stopped bothering.

The 40th birthday thing is really shitty, OP. I'd be upset about that too! The group of friends that all bitch about each other, well you're better off away from all that really.

My advice would be to make one to one friendships and cultivate those. Avoid friendship groups. Try to seek individual friends that are all unconnected to one another. In groups there is always going to be someone that it all revolves around, and others left on the periphery. It's crap but it always happens.

I'd consider myself to have quite a lot of 'close/good' friends but none of them know each other; one is a mum I met through school when our DDs were friends at primary. Another is a mum I met when my son was at primary school. Another is a friend I worked with a few years ago. Another is a neighbour.

I've never much liked the whole girlie group thing. It's just not for me, and I bet it's not for many others either.

Ive never been much of a group person ever since I left school. I did have one close school friend and we kept in touch for years until I moved to another city. Ive also had the odd friend I made in work but again we drifted apart when I left and changed career. Like some of the posters here I am not a person who will be false to myself just to "fit in".

When I was in my 20s I used to go about with a gang of girls, go to dances and parties. I never really enjoyed myself and was glad when the night was over. But they were the kinds of things you did to fit in. One thing I am glad of is that I never began smoking, Most of my friends smoked and again, it was the kind of thing you "did" socially while sitting in a pub or coffee bar.

Fast forward to 20 years ago when I met a young gay man with whom I became great friends. As a straight woman I found it a great relief to be friends with someone for whom I did not have to perform as a woman. It was wonderful to know we could just have a friendship without any kind of sexual element. We are still friends and meet up regularly once a week for a meal. As we both live alone we are in one anothers "covid bubble".

Most of the time I am quite happy with my own company and dont welcome casual callers. I have travelled very widely and almost always on non package trips.

One valuable lesson I learned is that you can be alone without being lonely.

Yeah me too.....

Keeping score is a sure fire way to feel unhappy in any relationship.

I think part of it, is couples tend to get wrapped up in building a family or just generally themselves and unless you have something they need you for, then generally they will only make the effort if you make the effort first.

I'm a bit like this. I didn't move around a lot as a child but I came from a housing estate which was pretty poor and most of us that did all right at school all scattered to the four winds. But I didn't feel like I fit in very well with the MC people I met at uni either. I mean that was probably on both sides - I find that I know what the social conventions are from both groups but I find it tiring to follow them, if that makes any sense? I live abroad now and find it easiest to be friends with other foreigners - there's less pressure to act in a particular way. I'm planning to move back to my hometown in the next year or two and it's one of the things that I am a bit nervous about. Am I just irredeemably weird now? My kids as well, even more so for them. We all speak English with German bits in it, and DD2 has ADHD (as I suspect I do) and I do worry that we are going to stick out like the oddities we are. On the other hand we probably stick out here as well, it's just harder for me to tell!