Coronavirus has made me realise how little people bother with me

[SallyNoMates]

Name changed for this

I am lying awake having a bit of a pity party, please pull up a chair and join this Sally No Mates.

The whole pandemic situation has highlighted how little I matter to others.

It dawned on me a few weeks back that it was always me getting in touch with others, so I left it to see what happened.
Nobody has texted , called or suggested a walk etc. Its been like this since March. Even the person I considered a close friend is clearly not interested.

I just feel like such a loser. Dh is going for a walk with his friend today and his phone is constantly pinging messages.

The thing is I have always got the friend thing wrong somehow. I moved alot as a child and went to numerous schools so never had longterm friendships until adulthood. But I just seem to get it wrong. I have been thinking about it for months and I feel like I do the right things;. I dont slag people off, I dont go on about stuff and stay in touch. Just try to be a good friend , but its rarely reciprocated.

Example, I have a small group of friends from uni I am the eldest by a few months.. My 40tb came and went , we all went for dinner to celebrate that I arranged but there was no additional effort made. 5 months later it was someone else's 40th and a whatsappgtpip was set up to organise a gift and night out.

I look back and it's always been like that. I am just never quite in the group. I always seem to be the one doing more for others.am I alone in this ?

It's like theres an invisible set of rules I dont know about.

The other example was a group we met when the DCs were tiny, there were 4 families and to start with it was good. But then a few of them became toxic , lots of backstabbing etc. DH and I stepped away a bit but stayed in touch.ijust didnt want to be sat listening to X slagging off Y or vice versa.. there was no drama or argument, we just didn't take part in the bitchfest and tried to be neutral when comments were made. Then I realised we were being squeezed out , no longer invited to events etc. Fast forward 15 years and they are all still friends , all over SM at parties etc. I dont get it because even now , if I were to bump into one of them the other would make a sly dig about the other even when they're all over FB hugging each other etc.

Every job I have been at I have felt the outsider. I leave and dont stay in touch like others seem to.

The common denominator is me, I know that.

Anyone other Sally No Mates out there ?

And just to add.., I don’t actually care who contacts who to get in touch. There could be many, many reasons why someone doesn’t initiate contact. - shyness, low self esteem, assuming everyone is too busy, personal stuff going on, sad stuff happening, getting depressed and down. Getting in touch, initiating contact after a while - it’s part of being a good friend for me. I don’t keep track of who does it.

Me too! My phone pinged this week with a message from a friend - so thrilled. No, she just wanted to know something. I am very popular as the go to font of all knowledge, but not for me, if you see what I mean. Very lonely. Very sad.

@EssexGurl

Me too! My phone pinged this week with a message from a friend - so thrilled. No, she just wanted to know something. I am very popular as the go to font of all knowledge, but not for me, if you see what I mean. Very lonely. Very sad.

Mine pinged last week. It was one of my cousins. Turned out he'd been hacked and sent a video to all his friends. I felt so stupid because I was actually thrilled he had got in touch with me without me initiating contact

Thank you all.

The term 'drifting through friendships' definitely resonated with me.

I am an introvert and like alone time , so that's probably relevant. I am comforted to hear I am not be only one . I do normally make the effort , in that I have friends i could message for a walk, but no one would message me..

I have wondered about ASD, but I think my expectations of friendship just doesnt match reality. Like many people I expect.

@EssexGurl

But what’s wrong with that? Im good at baking / cake decorating and friends / acquaintances often contact me for advice. It’s no biggie. Sometimes we have a chat too, other times we don’t. It’s just one of the many little connections that join us to other people.

in that I have friends i could message for a walk, but no one would message me..

Hmm maybe I’m a control freak, but I’d much rather be the one deciding when, where and with whom I’m going for a walk, I’d always prefer to be doing the contacting / proposing!

It could very well be mismatched expectations.

I don’t like bitchy groups either. I find it all very false. Similarly to the OP it’s all SM, coffee mornings, WhatsApp groups, nights out, play-dates for children, parties etc. but then talk to them individually and they are always bitching about the others. Smiling crocodiles - I can’t stand it. Nevertheless there is still a part of me that wants to be in this group because I want to belong and feel included but I just know i couldn’t stand to be in the group because of the behaviour.
Another issue I have noticed with myself is that I never reach out for help. This is due to a number of childhood reasons, so I just get on with things. A friend once told me that this makes me seem like I don’t need a group because i never ‘need’ anyone.

Yes I was the same - moved a lot, then lived on the outskirts rather than in the village. Never quite fit in at work even though im friendly and totally un bitchy. Was close to a couple of school mums but they both moved away and being a single parent it's not always easy to fit in with 2 parent households either. Can't seem to find my people at all.

I'm definitely the same. I've realised this year that I have absolutely no one (not including my DC) who's actually that fussed about me. Not even my family.

@miimblemomale Because it makes me feel like I’m not wanted for me, but what I can do for someone. So it is never “how are you?” but rather “Tell me xxxxx” and then ignore me until I am useful again. Maybe it is me, but it makes me sad that I’m only of interest when I can help someone. But if ai ask a question, or need help, there is radio silence.

I have a few friends and family I keep in contact with. I’m not really into people, had some bad experiences with friendships in the past so I’m not that bothered.

I often feel like I can’t win. If I’m too quiet people don’t seem to warm to me. If I try and make an effort to be chatty people think I’m weird. 🤷🏻‍♀️ I give up!

I have got friends, long-running friendships (often spread at a distance) that need little maintainence, but when you do get together, it's a connection of souls. They are very valuable and precious. This year has obviously not been a good year for those kinds of catch-up.

My friends have been made by doing things and sharing an interest. I've never seemed to form friendships based around socialising for the sake of socialising. They're the type you notice on SM or out in RL. I've made very few "friends" in workplaces.

I like my own space, but I do need other people too. I always have dipped in and out and done my own thing and find herd mentality a bit baffling and repressive. At school, I loved the choir and drama, but my left-over, misfit friends didn't want to, so I went by myself, but everyone else went in packs so I didn't form friendships there. I followed my own interests not being held back by my friends lack of them. I'm not afraid to do something by myself, but I think that gets misinterpereted by pack people.
Baby groups were a special circle of lonely hell. Everyone turned up in packs and had no interest in mixing around, and I tried a lot of activities from the children's centre (which was better) to the cheap toddler groups to the dearer franchaises.

My best phase of finding my tribe was sixth form/ university. It's the university friends that have endured for 20 years, including DH.

@EssexGurl

Me too! My phone pinged this week with a message from a friend - so thrilled. No, she just wanted to know something. I am very popular as the go to font of all knowledge, but not for me, if you see what I mean. Very lonely. Very sad.

I know exactly what you mean. I get this too and it's miserable.

Me too! My phone pinged this week with a message from a friend - so thrilled. No, she just wanted to know something. I am very popular as the go to font of all knowledge, but not for me, if you see what I mean. Very lonely. Very sad.

My brother is like this, when he wants something. A rambling text message arrives with mock interest in everyone, asking how they are, then comes the real reason for the message.

Yes, mate I'll answer your message, in a weeks time.

I'm the same.

I never had any friends growing up, I was bullied all the way though school and was always the outsider. Because I didn't have friends growing up or as a teenager, I never learned about how to be in a friendship or how to have fiends so it's been hard for me all my life.

I gave up a few years ago to be honest and now I'm okay with having no one.

Ha, friends not fiends!

@PhilCornwall1 my brother is the same. The only time I heard from him this year was to tell me what I could buy his girlfriend for her birthday and then more recently, Christmas. With a little feigned interest in me and DC tagged on to the end of the text. We used to be really close but I realised all the effort was on my part.

[quote ChristmasWitch]@PhilCornwall1 my brother is the same. The only time I heard from him this year was to tell me what I could buy his girlfriend for her birthday and then more recently, Christmas. With a little feigned interest in me and DC tagged on to the end of the text. We used to be really close but I realised all the effort was on my part. [/quote]
I always got on well with him, but for me the relationship went south in our 20s.

He had a relationship breakup and I went to share his house with him as he couldn't afford the mortgage on his own, so paid half, sat up on all nighters as he talked about the breakup, going to work on zero sleep. He then got a job paying more and could, so basically turned on me until I told him to stick it. I'd served my purpose and wasn't needed anymore.

From that day on, I wouldn't pee on him if he was on fire. He won't remember any of it though, or shall we say, would have conveniently forgotten about it.

Yes, I had a major crisis during the first lockdown, kind where "you find out who your friends are". I learned that one person I'd previously considered an "acquaintance" is a very good friend indeed. The people who I thought of as friends weren't there for me at all and as I've felt a bit hurt and haven't bothered contacting them since, I don't hear from them at all now.

I've also learned that I don't need many people though. While I have DH, my parents and teen DC, work colleagues for a bit of social interaction during the day and a few people to do a hobby with, even if they're not real friends, I'm fine.

I know exactly how you feel, OP.

There was someone who I considered a friend. When her family was self-isolating, I took around food and treats for them.

When we tested positive and couldn’t leave the house, she was nowhere to be seen. No help, nothing. I guess a lot of people are just incredibly self-centered.

@PhilCornwall1 that actually resonates with me, too. I was there for him extensively when his marriage ended and even sided with him even though most of it was his own fault. Stayed up nights talking, acted as go between for him and his exw etc. Once he was back on his feet I was surplus to requirements.

Hi - Looking at all these responses, I don't think this is unusual, it's why Covid is so shit for a lot of people.

I had a little cry the other day because I am so lonely. I have DH here wfh, and DD1 also moved back home for a while, also wfh. DD2 at school. So they are all busy, and connecting with people all day, I have days when I don't speak to anyone, so in the evening I need some interaction. All of them were tired, and didn't want to chat, I literally burst into tears. Pathetic, and I surprised myself and them. I miss my friends, I don't have many, but I thought we were all quite close..... I did see most during the summer, but again in the Winter we have all hibernated. It just makes me very sad.

I've always struggled with friendships as an adult. As a child I didn't, I had a number of friends and no problems, despite the fact I was an only child.

In a very snobby secondary school though I was always left out. I lived miles away from the school so wasn't able to do after school activities to form bonds due to shard interests. I went to 2 youth clubs on my own and was ignored each time.

At work, same thing, left out of a group of confident, extroverted long standing friends. I'm quiet, a thinker, not that confident or outgoing and 'group' people don't like that. I prefer 121 but even then I've been used by some 'friends' and it's made me wary.

In a group situation my self esteem feels crushed, and I often feel bullied, usually by someone dominant and loud and popular, who others have known for years and who they look up to are afraid of upsetting because of consequences despite the gossip and backstabbing. I don't want to be part of that scenario.

I've had a one or two good friends but life/death has meant they are no longer around. It's so hard to find a new genuine friend when you are older.

I bother with very few people now, I'm past caring really, a home bird with a lot of interests and happy in my own company so that's just as well. Like a PP I always feel people tolerate me, so I find it difficult to make contact/phonecalls/texts. I have my family [AC's and GC's] and that's enough for me.

On the other hand I know someone who has a lot of friends. But each one in turn seems to do or say something to upset her...a lot sometimes. And I have agreed what has happened was out of order and/or unkind. But after a period of time licking her wounds she carries on and sees them again. Then it happens again, even if a long time after...

Now I don't get that because they have shown who they are. I wouldn't think it was a price worth paying personally, just to say I had x number of friends but I've probably got it wrong, got the wrong attitude...often wonder if I am on the autistic spectrum too.