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Original poster

Feel like I can't achieve anything being a single mum

75 replies

LoserMum · 05/12/2020 19:25

I had DD at 23 and I've never had a proper career, just low paid odd jobs. I'm just a single mum with no ambition, no social life and no skills. I work 2 hours cleaning per week and I hate it.

Any suggestions on what to do to improve my life? I feel so old and very much like a loser

No suggestions to get a degree. I'm not capable of one. I've tried and I'm not committed.

OP posts:
TheFormerPorpentinaScamander · 05/12/2020 19:26

You're not a loser! Being a single parent is so tough!

What do you want to do? If you could have any job, what would it be?

FancySomeChips · 05/12/2020 19:29

Single mum here too. Had DC at 22.
Put myself through uni twice (degree and PGCE) and now I’m a teacher.
It was incredibly hard work, but I did it. I had to do it to change our lives.
Nothing worthwhile ever comes easy.

If not a degree why not look into beauty, childcare, food hygiene/cookery, mechanic, electrical, plumbing, woodwork courses- there’s loads out there!

Magic wands aren’t real, you need experience and determination to change your situation.
Not trying to be mean, but you are the only one that can change things for your family.
I found it empowering!

QueenOfPain · 05/12/2020 19:30

The fact that you hate your current situation and want to improve it suggests that you do actually have ambition. So something else must be behind all of the excuses and the “I’m not capable, not committed” part about the degree.

Are you sure it’s capability and commitment that are the problem or could it be low self esteem and fear of failure?

Original poster
LoserMum · 05/12/2020 19:31

I'm not sure what I want to do. I just want to be financially secure. I would never do a trade, no offence to anyone that does but the thought of beauty or plumbing sounds boring.

I wouldn't mind doing some paperwork or reporting on something. A quiet job with low social contact that pays decently.

OP posts:
Original poster
LoserMum · 05/12/2020 19:35

I lost the passion for my degree and it did get quite boring in the end. I did 2 years of psychology.

OP posts:
Original poster
LoserMum · 05/12/2020 19:36

It must be capability. It couldnt do well unless I put hours of hard work in. It was a breeze for other students so I thought that as I dont really have a natural flair for it, then I should just abandon it.

OP posts:
FancySomeChips · 05/12/2020 19:37

Might be boring but will pay the bills and offers the opportunity to be self employed and thus work on your own terms and around the children.
All jobs have their boring sides, it’s called life and everyone wants to be financially secure.
But like I said, magic wands aren’t real.

DianaOfTheLakes · 05/12/2020 19:42

How old is your DD?

What about an apprenticeship in something like finance or procurement?

HPandTheNeverEndingBedtime · 05/12/2020 19:44

How old are your DC? If still very young then just focus on them for now, it's exhausting being a single parent, particularly during the baby and toddler years.

Like a PP I've also gone down the degree route into teaching but it's not for everyone. Maybe have a look at some of the free online courses on the OU or MOOCs at other institutes, you may not want to do a degree but it may well give you an insight into areas you hadn't thought of yet.

My sibling has social anxiety and works alone in the cash office of our local supermarket, a similar job might work for you if you don't like being around people alot.

Other than that any course you do would help your self esteem. Driving lessons and getting a car when DD was 8 was a game changer, opening up opportunities for both of us.

Monstermissy36 · 05/12/2020 19:44

When I first became a lone parent I was a dinner lady/school cleaner... I enjoyed it but like you wanted to achieve better pay prospects for my 3 kids.

I'm a safeguarding lead/pastoral tutor now so still in schools lol.... I started out volunteering in a youth club and then took a risk on a temporary post with lower hours and moved through a few posts gaining experience and training as I went. Within 5 years I was in my post now and I still feel I have progression to make.

I don't earn a fortune but it's a secure future for me and my children and I well.

Anything is possible you just have to take the first step...

Original poster
LoserMum · 05/12/2020 19:44

DD turns 5 soon. She's in reception.

If I do an apprenticeship I would be on a low wage though. Could I still claim UC? What about after school care? She finishes at 3:30 so would i even have enough money to pay for a babysitter or childminder? Dont have family to help unfortunately

OP posts:
fishykettles · 05/12/2020 19:44

If you've got low self esteem then I'd question the value of doing a degree without addressing your low self esteem first. I did my degree despite having low self esteem and it means fuck all because I don't feel proud of myself for having achieved it, it's a meaningless bit of paper because if I can do a degree then they are obviously pretty worthless.

Monstermissy36 · 05/12/2020 19:47

I was lucky my kids primary did breakfast and after school club till 5.45pm if needed...

TeachesOfPeaches · 05/12/2020 19:47

Did you mean you only only two hours per week OP?

HPandTheNeverEndingBedtime · 05/12/2020 19:48

Also, what does decent pay mean to you? I live in an area where the cost of living is low so £30k is plenty to live comfortably and get me off of government assistance, I'll be at that level in approx 2 years. If you live somewhere more expensive then you need to have a value in mind to work towards.

Original poster
LoserMum · 05/12/2020 19:53

Theres no breakfast or afterschool club because of coronavirus.

I work 2-4 hours per week. I only have 1 client. I used to work 20-30hrs average before the pandemic. I hate cleaning.

I live in london so need to be on a good wage.

OP posts:
dasey · 05/12/2020 19:53

@HPandTheNeverEndingBedtime

Also, what does decent pay mean to you? I live in an area where the cost of living is low so £30k is plenty to live comfortably and get me off of government assistance, I'll be at that level in approx 2 years. If you live somewhere more expensive then you need to have a value in mind to work towards.
Who goes from cleaning to a 30k job?
HPandTheNeverEndingBedtime · 05/12/2020 19:58

DD used to get picked up by a nursery that offered wraparound care for school children 3-7pm. It cost £7 an hour BUT 70% was covered by government funding.

You have to make small steps.
My first job when DD was small was 10-2pm, 16 hours a week. I made an internal move to 9-3pm both admin roles. Then an external move to another school 8:50 - 3.30 as a TA and I started my degree and another internal move to teacher. It's taken 8 years to go from £4000 a year to £28000. I made each move as Dd got older increasing my hours and improving my earning potential each time and I've been fortunate that all jobs have been in school so termtime only.

DianaOfTheLakes · 05/12/2020 20:02

Are you independently wealthy, or are you claiming benefits and in receipt of child maintenance? If so, it's good that you are thinking of this now because both the benefits and maintenance will cease when your youngest leaves education.

HPandTheNeverEndingBedtime · 05/12/2020 20:04

@dasey no one, that is my point, you need to play the long game. The OP has some higher education so is likely to have the potential to earn more. She needs to workout how much she needs to earn and then aim her search around that. Covid has thrown a spanner in the works for a lot of people but that won't last forever. The more research done now the better position she'll be once Covid is impacting the job market and childcare less.

I hear accountancy is good for progression.

Original poster
LoserMum · 05/12/2020 20:07

Are you independently wealthy, or are you claiming benefits

I'm on UC. Wish I were rich though.

OP posts:
Original poster
LoserMum · 05/12/2020 20:08

I hear accountancy is good for progression

Wont AI replace accountancy first though, as I've been hearing for years?

OP posts:
hadesinahalfahell · 05/12/2020 20:09

I'm also a single parent and had my son when I was 33. He's 9 now. I think being a single parent gave me even more drive to succeed as I felt that I had more to prove and doubly felt the responsibility of providing for my son. I had to work so hard to be in the comfortable position that I am in now and make sacrifices in respect of working long hours and my son seeming to be the last one picked up from nursery/after school club, working at home in the evenings too. It was all worth it though, for the lifestyle we have now and for being able to help him out in the future.

However, a well paid, interesting job that you enjoy is not going to fall into your lap. Any which way it will take a lot of graft to achieve and there will be times that you will have to study/work in environments that you don't enjoy.

hadesinahalfahell · 05/12/2020 20:09

23 not 33

Dugee · 05/12/2020 20:12

I think you will have to work more hours now your DD is at school. I'm pretty sure you're expected to do 15 hours a week when they go to primary and then 30 when they go to high school, in order to continue receiving top up benefits (based on one lone parent earning min wage).

Although I know the DWP are taking a lighter approach, due to covid, at the moment.

I'd be wary as well, as I suspect austerity mark 2 is heading our way, to pay for the cost of covid. Public sector pay has been frozen, wouldn't be surprised if benefits are next.