Feel like I can't achieve anything being a single mum

[LoserMum]

I had DD at 23 and I've never had a proper career, just low paid odd jobs. I'm just a single mum with no ambition, no social life and no skills. I work 2 hours cleaning per week and I hate it.

Any suggestions on what to do to improve my life? I feel so old and very much like a loser

No suggestions to get a degree. I'm not capable of one. I've tried and I'm not committed.

I can sympathise as I've been stuck in a dead end job for years as I had the responsibility of childcare and school runs while my ex could cheerfully progress his career knowing someone else was looking after his dc. It's tough but you need to be proactive if you really want things to change.

If you need to study or take up a job that prevents you from doing school runs then there are childminders and clubs for that. Maybe tricky at the moment due to covid but it won't last forever. Use this time to think about what you really want to do and figure out the best path to get there whether that's study, apprenticeship, applying for jobs or whatever. Often one door can lead to another and once you're in an organisation you might be able to progress.

But don't get stuck in a rut. It's my biggest regret.

You find an excuse for why every suggestion of a job is not suitable. Accountancy? Oh that'll be replaced by AI. Apprenticeship? Oh but you have to do online tests.
When your child leaves school there won't be any government handouts and you will have no choice but to get a full time job. Best to start on the ladder now so you will be established by then. You're not going to walk into a 30k job with that attitude, work is required.

What's the worry with the online tests?

Not feeling confident with them. I remember doing practice situational judgement, verbal and numerical tests and did badly on them all.

Sorry they were practice tests

You find an excuse for why every suggestion of a job is not suitable

I'm just worried about not making the right decision.

I have been a single mum for 13 years, my son is now 15. I agree with other posters who have said that being on you own and having 100% responsibility for your child can make you more motivated.
It really made me more focussed as I wanted to be a strong role model for my son and to give him stability. I have worked hard to progress in my career, I work in HE and since I had my son I have gone for progressively more senior roles which I am not sure I would have done had I not ended up as a single parent. I was in a general admin role when I had him and have since specialised and taken every opportunity to train and develop further including taking professional qualifications and management training. It is hard and I work long hours and definitely feel stressed but I am glad that I have done it as we have financial security as by earning more I have been able to save which I would not have in my previous role. I have been able to afford to pay for holidays and for tutors for my son which I could not before. Have a look at some entry level jobs you are interested in, That have opportunities for progression.

I'm just worried about not making the right decision.

What have you got to lose at this point? I don't mean that harshly, but you must be earning next to nothing working a couple of hours a week, anything will be a step up and if you don't enjoy it you just change tracks?

Maybe see if you can find some more practice tests and train to see if you can get a feel for what they're asking for. I bet this kind of thing is possible to do online, maybe even for free.

It seems like you're scared of failing making you not want to even try. You might also be suffering a bit of imposter syndrome - feeling that everyone else is hopelessly more experienced and accomplished and you'll never possibly match up/catch up. I recognise this (I had DS1 at 20 as well) but the best way to get through it is just to push through. Honestly, other people are not in a different league to you. You don't need to be perfect, you need to be good enough, which from your writing on here you probably are. If you got through 2 years of a degree (regardless of it being hard work, that's OK/normal) that's another sign you'll be competent in a workplace. Cleaning off your own back with enough clients to do 20-30 hours also shows you're not lazy. You would honestly be surprised at how incompetent a lot of people are - the bar is not that high.

See if you can get some different ideas and then shoot for several at once. If you fail, it doesn't matter - you have back up plans.

It's horrible to feel that money and earning ability is all tied up in your sense of self worth. I feel this way and if I let that mindset creep in it really gets me down and makes me feel worthless/like I can't do anything about my situation. Try to separate it from that, and see money as simply a strategic resource you're seeing how you can get more of.

Would add - don't plough loads of money into things that promise to make you money later - pick options where the cost of failure is low/it doesn't put you any further back than you already are.

Learning to be comfortable with making mistakes and failure has really helped me.

I think you're probably slightly unrealistic about how hard other people work, or have worked in the past, to get themselves into well-paid jobs that they enjoy. Like when you said that you were clearly not capable enough to do a degree because you had to put in hours of hard work. But unless the degree itself is totally worthless then that's what a degree involves! None of the others will have graduated without working hard. You clearly are capable of working hard: cleaning is tough, often unpleasant physical labour and you were doing plenty of it before covid.

So be realistic about the fact that you actually are capable of putting yourself outside your comfort zone, even if you don't want to. Once you accept that then you will find it easier to contemplate options seriously without writing everything off immediately as too academic/too boring/involves working with lots of other people which you don't want to do/involves taking tests that you don't want to study for. Most courses or jobs involve some parts that people enjoy and find they are naturally good at, and other bits that don't come naturally and they have to work at. That's normal, and doesn't make you a failure before you've even started.

I think what I’d do is write a list of all the things you like doing, and how you like to work (e.g. working independently, analytical work, writing, making things, client-facing, working with animals, office-based, working outside, flexible hours etc.) and see if that lends itself to anything (or post here and we can offer ideas). Then look at what you’d need to do to get there and how feasible it would be for you. Something like book-keeping might suit? I also would try to reframe your mindset from “what if I pick the wrong thing” as of course there’s a degree of risk but if you don’t try anything new nothing will change. Good luck!

I am also a single mum after experiencing abuse so I know how that could knock your confidence. Are you getting any support from a domestic abuse charity? They might have counselling you can access.

I would apply for the civil service job and practice doing some online tests. Do look at finance training. Something like AAT might suit you.

I do think that you might be comparing yourself unfairly to other people. Lots of people find doing a degree hard (because it is hard) but not everyone gets a first in anything at all. You could transfer your undergraduate credits to the open university and finish off your degree even by doing a different subject (you would get an open degree if you did this).

Have you considered a career in tech? If you are ok with numbers and like working alone this could be for you. You might be able to do a college course or apprenticeship in that.

Why don’t you try a few different things? Have a look at future learn where there are lots of different free online courses.

It won’t be easy but that isn’t because you are rubbish but because it is hard for everyone.

I think you're probably slightly unrealistic about how hard other people work, or have worked in the past, to get themselves into well-paid jobs that they enjoy.

I agree, even with university most people would have had to work hard...even if maybe they seem laid back on the surface...I've just finished studying and got a good grade, but I had to do 3 resits, you wouldn't know that unless you looked at my transcript though.

Maybe you could start with some volunteering to get your self-esteem up a bit?

You are only 23. Go easy on yrslf. I agree with the poster who says take time first to repair yr self esteem. Single parent hood very demoralising. I know this firsthand!

Take a year to tune back in to your own voice and your own needs. Read books like six pillars of self esteem, what to say when you talk to yourself, then when you feel you deserve no less than a fulfilling and lucrative career, then start looking in to that.

You have time to do this properly. Give yourself a reward for having got this far. Your child is in school now and you have a bit more freedom. Phew! Take it slowly.

By the way i think civil service is a great place to work for a single parent. Im in ireland but it is similar, we have flex, core hours, shorter working year (unpaid) and parental leave (unpaid). I work hard, but i am not apologetic asking for annual leave when i need it, as i had been made to feel in previous private companies.

Dont worry about not doing well in the tests on line. Just keep practicing. Keep going. I know HEOs who had four gos doing the HEO competition. I didnt get through one EO competition but i am still in a competition for the next competition.

Jobtestpreps.co.uk has good practice packages and i did better in the 2020 competition for EO than i did for 2018. So it was 50£ well spent.

I work in the CS. At Band 6 (entry level) you would start on 20k but with good holidays and flexi time.

However you could progress (with effort) and be on 35k (or more, if you do professional qualifications) by the time your DC finish school and the benefits and maintenance stop.

It's quite competitive at the moment. We recruited for a Band 6 role and had 50 applicants per role. We always use the tests for lower level roles, so keep practising.

Does the uk civil service not have CO, EO, HEO, AO, AP. Etc... ?

@WiseOwlWan

Does the uk civil service not have CO, EO, HEO, AO, AP. Etc... ?

It used to, maybe it's changed,

Life can seem tough and doors closed to you sometimes.

I was a single parent with 2 children at 25 and felt much the same. I went back to college and then university and although I was 30 odd when I finished, I would have been 30 odd anyway, so why not.

Education isn't for everyone, but there are many routes in to different careers. What interests you? Google pathways to it and what you need to do to get there.

Make a plan, investigate what you need such as child care, initial qualifications etc. Ring a careers service and see what they can offer you.

These replies are really helpful. Thank you so much.

Its definitely a confidence thing. I just don't believe in myself anymore. I've looked up a few more apprenticeships and some look quite appealing. I'm going to start updating my CV and see how far I get

@losermum, I still work in cleaning! I have worked my way up through the ranks to a management role, I started as a cleaner when my kids were small and took every training course and opportunity that was offered by the company that I still work for.

@losermum, I went to see a career coach at one point, but my DC were older, I had a bit more freedom. They were old enough to walk home from school on their own and be on their own for an hour or so. (Together).

Take time to make sure you have recovered from the self-esteem draining experience of single motherhood. I know I'm still a single mother but I don't feel like it defines me anymore, and I used to. It is tough on the self-esteem.

Look after yourself.

I'd look at the advantages you have.

1. You're still really young (27?)
2. You're out of the baby years so childcare options are easier/less expensive
3. You obviously intelligent, but just lacking in confidence

I think you've had lots of good suggestions on here. You need to dredge up some motivation from somewhere, otherwise the years will just slip by. Good luck.

Ok so you have lost a lot of your cleaning clients due to COVID. How about sitting down and making a plan to get new clients. Advertise in shop windows, Facebook local sites, get back in touch with those clients. Don’t work for an agency work for yourself . Aim for 2 jobs while DC is at school so 6 hrs per day. The going rate in London for a cleaner is £10.00-£12 an hr. 2 jobs a day for 3 hrs each is £60 a day x 5 days is £1200. Yes you would need to declare this but that’s easy enough and due to low wage and high living costs you would still get help with UC I would imagine. You just need a plan.

As working a few hrs a week just isn’t enough especially as child is of school age

Good luck

Firstly, you need to be kind to yourself and know that you are already doing a difficult job. I found myself a single parent suddenly after being widowed and am slightly ashamed that I really had no idea of the reality beforehand . It is a difficult situation ( financially and emotionally)that most people really don’t understand. Only you will know what is right for you and your child and it may not be rushing out to a full on career at this point. The mental and physical load at home is all on you and you and you need time for yourself and time to spend with your daughter. Your worth is not just based on a job.
You do want long term career options though and you are still very young. The Open University is excellent and you would be eligible for discounted fees. I think a plan is a really useful. Small steps lead to long term goals.
Firstly though, you are young and will still be young when your daughter reaches her teen years and develops her independence. Recognise that you are already doing a difficult job. Small manageable steps will open long term opportunities.