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Original poster

How to deal with comments from potential work bully

59 replies

Theworkwitch · 04/12/2020 21:14

Hi, I've realised that I've found myself in a situation at work. A new colleague started and befriended me. Things have now come full circle and she is now sidelining me, making snide comments and stirring trouble between me and other colleagues. I think she used me to get established in her job and is now in some weird power struggle with me! It's completely bizarre and I have no time or tolerance for her mean-girl behaviour.

I'm no shrinking violet but her comments have me blind sided. I'm concerned that I'm going to completely explode at her.

I'm looking for some stock phrases to deal with her uncalled for comments. I'm also wondering if I should just have a chat with my boss.

I want to be cool, calm and dignified, but also stick up for myself without getting too heated. Do I just get up and walk away?

Please advise!

OP posts:
nothingcanhurtmewithmyeyesshut · 04/12/2020 21:32

If I wanted to listen to an arse I'd fart.

Seafog · 04/12/2020 21:36

That's not productive.
That doesn't work for me.
I think we need to revisit that later.
Let's not get personal.
Let's stay focused on the task.

Cheesypea · 04/12/2020 21:42

Or say nothing and leave her comments to haing in the air.

smeerf · 04/12/2020 21:45

Can you get her to explain herself? Works well for snidey comments:

"Sorry, can you explain what you meant be that?" Etc

TrainspottingWelsh · 04/12/2020 21:46

In this type of scenario I find getting people to repeat and over explain themselves does the trick. So 'pardon?' 'Sorry what did you say?' 'Sorry I don't understand' etc. In the same friendly tone you would use if you genuinely didn't hear/ understand.

Either they'll back off because they don't want to be openly rude. Or if you're lucky they'll come out and own their opinion which justifies you responding escalating it in a professional manner.

Original poster
Theworkwitch · 04/12/2020 21:55

Thank you! I'm worried that if I say something too harsh that she will turn on the water works and I'll be vilified.

OP posts:
purplerainox · 04/12/2020 21:55

I've treated you with nothing but respect since you have worked here and I expect you to treat me the same way. The way you're speaking to me is extremely unprofessional and I really don't appreciate it.

FrancoBranco · 04/12/2020 21:56

When she says something bitchy, stop what you are doing, don't move, don't shuffle papers, and just look at her silently for a couple of seconds with your expression somewhere between a question and slight disgust. Let her comment hang in the air. Once everybody around you has been made completely uncomfortable by the temperature in the room suddenly dropping to -50°C, quietly and calmly say something like "and what did you mean by that Marie?"

The silent moment followed by a direct challenge absolutely kills bullies.

blueshoes · 04/12/2020 22:07

Does she do it to you one-on-one, in an email or in meetings or in informal interactions?

Do other people witness her doing it and commented.

Original poster
Theworkwitch · 04/12/2020 22:11

It's in informal interactions mostly. Or questioning my actions, comments etc. Picking me up on things, talking over me, dismissing me, over exaggerating things I've said or done. Getting involved when I speak to other colleagues.

OP posts:
Original poster
Theworkwitch · 04/12/2020 22:13

I like both of purplerainox and FrancoBranco's approaches. I need to get a fixed response in my head or else I'm going to say something that will get me into trouble.

OP posts:
blueshoes · 04/12/2020 22:22

Any chance you can avoid her?

With COVID, wouldn't your office be working from home more?

Original poster
Theworkwitch · 04/12/2020 22:36

We are key workers so we are all in together. I could move desks though, which would be less convenient for me, but would position me a bit more away from her.

OP posts:
RednaxelasLunch · 04/12/2020 22:44

This happened to me, hell for 18 months. 3 years in and my version has proven herself to be a total dickhead and is fighting being managed out.

My advice is stick to your principles, take the high road, if you feel yourself reacting emotionally or she's pushing your buttons, just get out of there, take a break.

The best thing you can do is recognise she's a nasty bully and will never change. You on the other hand are a decent human being and you will ultimately win. Remain dignified and professional, keeping communicating with your manager and colleagues to calmly correct or ask polite questions re her bizarre behaviour. She will get her just desserts.

Original poster
Theworkwitch · 04/12/2020 23:03

Sorry you went through it too. I know it's always best to keep a cool head. I think I might try the getting up and going to the toilet and see how it goes. Try and plaster a big smile on my face...

OP posts:
DianaT1969 · 04/12/2020 23:12

You could mention to your manager that you are sensing some hostility. Say you'll let him know if it escalates, but to cover yourself, you can say you'll put her down if she is rude or personal.

If she is rude -
Can you put that in writing.
When you talk I wish I had a white noise machine.
Did you say something profound? No, I didn't think so.
Were you popular at your old job?
We had a nice atmosphere here until recently.

2020nymph · 04/12/2020 23:17

@Theworkwitch

It's in informal interactions mostly. Or questioning my actions, comments etc. Picking me up on things, talking over me, dismissing me, over exaggerating things I've said or done. Getting involved when I speak to other colleagues.

I've had a similar situation. I spoke to my boss but he is friends with her and she is careful not to do it in front of him. It got to the point where it really affected my health and I spoke to HR who were fantastic. Thankfully she has since moved teams so we only work together sporadically.

Hope you get it sorted.

Original poster
Theworkwitch · 05/12/2020 04:52

Thanks, yes this one has cosied up to the boss too! Although I will report her if necessary, but would hate to come across as petty. It's really stressful. I think I'll work on not being lured into any conversations, that then quickly take a turn for the worst.

OP posts:
SpudulikaSlob · 05/12/2020 05:35

@FrancoBranco

When she says something bitchy, stop what you are doing, don't move, don't shuffle papers, and just look at her silently for a couple of seconds with your expression somewhere between a question and slight disgust. Let her comment hang in the air. Once everybody around you has been made completely uncomfortable by the temperature in the room suddenly dropping to -50°C, quietly and calmly say something like "and what did you mean by that Marie?"

The silent moment followed by a direct challenge absolutely kills bullies.

Wow. That's gold.
Girlzroolz · 05/12/2020 05:37

I would just sigh quietly and slightly shake my head at each comment. As though a small puppy had just done a poo on the floor in front of me.

Like you can’t muster the energy to be truly exasperated or disgusted. And with a side order of ‘wishing someone else cleans up the mess soon, so I don’t have to get in there myself’.

Original poster
Theworkwitch · 05/12/2020 05:54

I love the visual of her comment being an annoying poo!! This really helps!! Thank you!!

The worst thing I can do is show I'm worked up.

OP posts:
Nicolastuffedone · 05/12/2020 06:13

When she interrupts, look her in the eye ‘one moment please’ in a firm tone and carry right on with your conversation.

When she questions you, or sarcastically comments on something, look at her with a quizzical expression ‘sorry? You’ve lost me.....?’ Make her repeat it and repeat ‘No....still not with you’ and look at her still looking puzzled. Or just give her a slight smile and carry on regardless. I’ve used all of these to good effect...

Original poster
Theworkwitch · 05/12/2020 06:39

You lot are really good!!! I'm imagining me doing this!

Why do people make life such hard work? I could see that she felt out of her depth with the job, but I think she now feels she has her feet firmly under the table. I don't know why she has decided to pull me apart.

OP posts:
something2say · 05/12/2020 10:26

It reads like competitiveness to me. She has to involve herself with things you do and put you down.

Original poster
Theworkwitch · 05/12/2020 13:02

I think so, definitely. There's no need for her to go on full attack mode though. I'm a perfectly pleasant person and keep getting drawn into seemingly innocuous conversations which quickly turn.

OP posts: