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How to deal with comments from potential work bully

59 replies

Theworkwitch · 04/12/2020 21:14

Hi, I've realised that I've found myself in a situation at work. A new colleague started and befriended me. Things have now come full circle and she is now sidelining me, making snide comments and stirring trouble between me and other colleagues. I think she used me to get established in her job and is now in some weird power struggle with me! It's completely bizarre and I have no time or tolerance for her mean-girl behaviour.

I'm no shrinking violet but her comments have me blind sided. I'm concerned that I'm going to completely explode at her.

I'm looking for some stock phrases to deal with her uncalled for comments. I'm also wondering if I should just have a chat with my boss.

I want to be cool, calm and dignified, but also stick up for myself without getting too heated. Do I just get up and walk away?

Please advise!

OP posts:
tsmainsqueeze · 05/12/2020 19:53

I hate people like this ! i think you have been given some really good advice , but i would also keep a diary of her actions and comments .
Hopefully you will sort this out but you never know what someone is capable of .
I bet she will trip herself up and will show her true self to everyone at some point .

Theworkwitch · 05/12/2020 21:19

Thank you! I'm definitely going to start with a little smile to myself and move on to silent treatment. I'll also move desks to create some distance. This takes up so much energy! I need to remain calm and let her reveal herself.

OP posts:
AcornAutumn · 05/12/2020 21:34

@Theworkwitch

I think so, definitely. There's no need for her to go on full attack mode though. I'm a perfectly pleasant person and keep getting drawn into seemingly innocuous conversations which quickly turn.
Can you give us examples of what she says?

Is “mm” or silence a good idea?

Theworkwitch · 05/12/2020 21:38

I don't want to put too much on here in case she sees it!

OP posts:
CarnageAtTheGardenCentre · 06/12/2020 14:53

@Theworkwitch

You lot are really good!!! I'm imagining me doing this!

Why do people make life such hard work? I could see that she felt out of her depth with the job, but I think she now feels she has her feet firmly under the table. I don't know why she has decided to pull me apart.

Bumping as I have a colleague who is doing exactly the same to me.

Awful isn’t it ? @Theworkwitch

Theworkwitch · 06/12/2020 15:55

Yes! I think it's stressful waiting the comments to drop, not knowing exactly when and what they will be. Knowing I have to be on guard and provide a suitable reaction. It's draining!

I'm a strong character and would have no problem responding and creating an awful atmosphere in the office, but this makes me look like the bad guy.

What's happening to you?

OP posts:
CarnageAtTheGardenCentre · 06/12/2020 18:02

The bully in question is very much like yours, as in cosying up to the boss.
She cannot tell me how to do my job as I know, and she knows, I won’t allow her to.

I’m a bit like you, can hold my own, but lately She has ratched it up a notch by hiding stuff that I use, then miraculously’ finding’ said item to make me look ridiculous.

Also, talking about me to other colleagues, belittling my work , again like your bully, and to quote your words, informal interactions mostly.
I’m beginning to think we’re dealing with the same person.......

1 Questioning my actions, comments etc. Picking me up on things, talking over me, dismissing me, over exaggerating things I've said or done. Getting involved when I speak to other colleagues. (Sorry to use your words again) Also, telling lies I’m sure, to turn staff against me.

2 Leaving me out of things like collections for other staff, by sidetracking me when the collection was going on. I’d only find out about the collection when said person WhatsApped the work group to thank everybody.

When I’ve been unable to, say, make brews for everybody (because I’m busy, no other reason), she’ll make the brews, exclaiming loudly how helpful she is , and really pile it on. “ Look at me, everybody, look at me making the brews, wow, how good am I!”
It’s sad, really, it’s as if she wants to be seen as irreplaceable.
But....she is getting me down

CarnageAtTheGardenCentre · 06/12/2020 18:04

Sorry for that, it was a bit long ..

CarnageAtTheGardenCentre · 06/12/2020 18:24

I have noticed there has been some good advice by other posters on your thread, btw @Theworkwitch
I might try some of these myself.

Theworkwitch · 06/12/2020 19:02

@CarnageAtTheGardenCentre oh yes, they are so helpful/busy/indispensable!

My work role has gone very quiet die to covid so sometimes I feel I look like a bit of a dick picking up scraps of work. This really doesn't help. She loves it, and I'm sure it leads to bad mouthing.

What do you think is behind it in your case? Is it jealousy/insecurity? It does feel like we have to stay 2 steps ahead.

OP posts:
CarnageAtTheGardenCentre · 06/12/2020 19:17

[quote Theworkwitch]**@CarnageAtTheGardenCentre oh yes, they are so helpful/busy/indispensable!

My work role has gone very quiet die to covid so sometimes I feel I look like a bit of a dick picking up scraps of work. This really doesn't help. She loves it, and I'm sure it leads to bad mouthing.

What do you think is behind it in your case? Is it jealousy/insecurity? It does feel like we have to stay 2 steps ahead.[/quote]
I’m sure it’s the same person we are talking about !!
Or even worse, there are more people like this than we realise.

Re: covid. We are the opposite, very very busy, NHS, and I’m doing more for each patient that comes in.

It’s very tiring as it is, and if I can’t do A for doing B, then she loves it..
I’m not not sure which it is, but I’m fed up of the second guessing, two steps in front scenario.

HollowTalk · 06/12/2020 19:28

The thing to remember is that anything you say will be used against you, so be very very careful in what you say and the looks you give her. The very last thing you need is to be pulled up on a disciplinary.

I'd move desks, to start with, especially if you can move nearer to friends or people who'd be prepared to be witnesses.

Ask her to put everything in writing. If she's rude, as others have said, ask her to clarify. Raise your voice slightly but don't shout. Always say hello and goodbye with a smile. Don't give her the chance to get you into trouble.

Theworkwitch · 06/12/2020 19:32

It sounds like you're able to bury yourself in your work, but at the same time why should you have to? Why should you worry about having a chat with a colleague etc??

I've finally got some big projects on for the next few weeks, so I'm planning on reining in the small talk and ploughing through the work. Let her expose herself to the office. If it gets too much I'll walk out to the kitchen etc and think of her comments as little bits of dog poo Wink

OP posts:
namochangoro · 06/12/2020 19:37

Just practice the shoulder shrug.

namochangoro · 06/12/2020 19:38

And the disarming smile.

NonCisWoman · 06/12/2020 19:39

This thread is quite unintentionally funny. These techniques are brilliant Star

namochangoro · 06/12/2020 19:44

I love the smile. So it goes, insult from her. Raised eyebrows and smile like her comment was so embarrassingly bad, it's laughable.Grin

The shrug. Pointed comment from her designed to rile you. You shrug and just carry on.

MrsGrindah · 06/12/2020 19:45

I favour the long pause , followed by a loud ( not shouting) and firm “ you do know I’m not a five year old don’t you? Please speak to me with the respect I deserve as an adult and your colleague “ . Guaranteed to shut her up and if she tries to stir trouble against you, not a jury in the land would see those words as offensive. But you are still making your point that she’s an arsehole!

Audreyseyebrows · 06/12/2020 19:47

Do keep a diary of every interaction. Helped me lots when things got out of hand.

Also a quiet fuck you thank you really helps and is very polite.

Theworkwitch · 06/12/2020 19:48

I literally just practised the smile and the shrug!!

OP posts:
namochangoro · 06/12/2020 19:49

Grin🤷‍♀️

wowfudge · 06/12/2020 19:52

I found the best thing with my workplace bully was to stop any chit chat and only talk about work matters as and when needed. When she commented on something I had done with irritation she just looked bonkers because I had done nothing wrong. I covered for her when she went on holiday and left detailed handover notes. She objected to every damn thing I had done, but her manager recognised she was in the wrong. Eventually she couldn't take not being queen bee/the boss of me and left. I think she was unhappy in her personal life though, but even so why take it out on a colleague?

Theworkwitch · 06/12/2020 19:59

@wowfudge

I think you're right. Just concentrate on work for now, then any comments she makes will really stand out.

This one has a shit personal situation and seems to have led a sad life. I've been so supportive of her. I've had a shit few decades but for once everything is really coming good for me. She doesn't know my history, so maybe just thinks I'm a spoilt brat. There's definitely jealousy involved.

OP posts:
Icanseewhyichangednyusername · 06/12/2020 20:21

@FrancoBranco

When she says something bitchy, stop what you are doing, don't move, don't shuffle papers, and just look at her silently for a couple of seconds with your expression somewhere between a question and slight disgust. Let her comment hang in the air. Once everybody around you has been made completely uncomfortable by the temperature in the room suddenly dropping to -50°C, quietly and calmly say something like "and what did you mean by that Marie?"

The silent moment followed by a direct challenge absolutely kills bullies.

I’ve a friend who is brilliant at this. She will say something like “what did you just say to me?” And stand very, very still, very unblinking. For what feels like a very long time! It’s so unnerving!
CarnageAtTheGardenCentre · 06/12/2020 20:27

[quote Theworkwitch]**@wowfudge

I think you're right. Just concentrate on work for now, then any comments she makes will really stand out.

This one has a shit personal situation and seems to have led a sad life. I've been so supportive of her. I've had a shit few decades but for once everything is really coming good for me. She doesn't know my history, so maybe just thinks I'm a spoilt brat. There's definitely jealousy involved.[/quote]
@wowfudge has it right with the queen bee comment I think.
@Theworkwitch.

Plus it’s uncanny that all of them have had a sad life/shit personal situation and we’re doing okay which they can’t cope with.
Plus, we are too nice, and we bring out the worst in them maybe.

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