People that are unsympathetic when someone dies😰

[Lardlizard]

A family friend suddenly died, she was only 49 with young kids.
My mum seemed upset n shocked at after a week and a half she started saying her dh should get back to work
😰😰I’ve explained that maybe he’s just not upto it atm and he just can’t do it
And she just replies well everyone of that age has to work 😰😰😰and doenst listen and carried on saying how he should be going back to work
Which is further complicated by the fact he was due to start a new job, so he’s not even returning to his old job as he got made redundant from that before his wife passed away

But seriously a week and a half later to be saying This when there’s young kids involved is upsetting me so much

Wow, yes that's pretty unsympathetic of your mum. Your friend's husband will be in a special kind of hell right now that will take a while to get out of. Horrible situation and they have all my sympathy

I wonder if your mum might be thinking back to an era when employers were more unsympathetic and he might have risked losing his job if he took long leave. These days thankfully that has changed but does she realise that.

I mean he’s not even had the funeral or anything
And when I disagreed with her she just carried on
Just really upset me

Surely any dr would sign him off if need be
Plus he might need to just be around for the kids
Who are suffering and in bits

She acted all upset and shocked when she heard the news too
Didn’t last long

Maybe when you disagreed with her she kept on about it to defend her position. Yes, people do have to work but it takes time to come back from something like that. And if he can keep things together financially it doesn't matter if he doesn't work for six months and focuses instead on helping his children come to terms with their loss

I’m not sure he can cope financially as thjngs always been v tight for them
But I honestly don’t think he can cope with a new job atm esp with the kids too

I just find her initial sympathy pretty Well fake tbh

Wow. I'd have a few choice names for her if she wasn't your mum.

I'll stick with ridiculous, insensitive & lacking in compassion.

Poor bloke. Heartbreaking in normal circumstances, but additionally difficult right now.

In the nicest possible way, I hope they had insurance so that at least he doesn't have to worry so much about finances while he gets himself together & supports the children, poor wee things x

Whatever you do, keep your mother away from him.

Only one reply I can think of to that
Jesus Mum you’re a bit cold.

Its a difficult one. But i theres someone in my workplace who was never very good at his job (widely known, not just my opinion. Sales based and he never got any sales). His wife died and they had young children which is horribly sad and life changing, but its been over a year now and very hard times for the company, but he still appears to have his job bubble wrapped due to his personal circumstances.

It feels like reduncancies that have already have been made should have included him first but havent because hes untouchable as his wife died.

In my experience those 70+ and even 60+ often feel this way. No point in wallowing in self pity, work will help take your mind off it, you’ve got to go back eventually anyway and when my grandmother lost her dh life had to go on as usual 8 kids and farm...
It’s a shock and everyone responds differently.

Can’t see how it’s a difficult one it’s a week and a half since it happened suddenly out of the blue
I honestly don’t think he’s upto it
I just feel like some people are like dead in the inside
I’m going to now have to avoid talking about it when she’s around as I’m too upset

Everyone is different - there isn't a rule. Some people may need a long stretch of time off work, others may find the routine of work helps them get through the days. Your mum needs to be guided by what the bereaved person wants, not by what she thinks is best for them.

It could be a generational thing.

My mum is very much of the “life moves on and we need to get back to normal” view.

When my dad died when I was in primary school we had one day off, then back to class the day after. It was considered best for us to stay in out routine, and that kids get over things quickly so no need to do anything other that carry on as normal, and we’d get over it quicker.

Your mum may feel that if he gets back to work and the kids back to school, they can all start moving on. That “wallowing” in grief will not help, he needs to show his kids that the world has not stopped.

People deal differently. Not saying it’s right, but 30/40 years ago grief, mh and death was dealt with very differently.

A lot of funerary rituals were based on the idea of keeping the newly bereaved in contact with society (so planning funerals and wakes, writing back to those who send condolences)

I think there could be considerable value in returning to work on the same basis.

It's not a generational thing, it's a practical thing (though I suppose the older you get, the more bereavements you have seen, and seen what actions help). Note I said 'actions' - this is to do with how to get through the days. It's completely unrelated to the state of anyone's emotions (including whether they should be 'over it'). It's about finding the framework within which one learns to cope

A friend was recently bereaved unexpectedly. I've been impressed by her determination to get back to normal as best she can- the routine helps manage her days.

We can't tell from your post whether your mum is a callous unfeeling woman, or whether she is just very matter of fact and knows that the world will not stop for you, even if you want it to.

In many ways it is better to get straight back in, and grieve gradually. It's very hard to get back to normal life if you stop for too long- it just feels like a bigger and bigger obstacle and you will never be quite ready.

Typical bereavement leave in the UK is 3-5 days, and there is no right for that to be paid. The only exception is for a child or still born after 24 weeks - two weeks unpaid leave.
There are some specific rules for agricultural employees.

It would seem that your mum is very much in-line with most employers.

Some people have never experienced grief before. When I had my partner die I was quite stunned when a few neighbours in the street didn't say a word. But one neighbour came straight round . You do remember those who are there even briefly. I was in pieces for a long time after , we had two children together. I was not fit to go to work. Some people are very blunt and matter of fact.

I don't think your mum is cold. People have different attitudes to grief, and most workplaces won't actually give you longer than a few days off - you need to get signed off sick if you need more time than that.

I remember at school a girl's dad died. She was off for a day and then back to normal - the dies was that keeping her routine and friendships as normal as possible would help her as she's at least have some kind of distraction.

I've been sent to school on the same day as losing a grandparent in the past. It was just normal to me to carry on right away.

How old is your mum? My Dad can be a bit like this he thinks every body of working age should be working , regardless of situation,s he doesn't think people should go off sick with depression etc ,he's 78 I assume it's the generation he grew up in?

My mum can be like this. I've learned not to dislike her for it over the years, first experience was when my grandad died and she just carried on as normal at first, then just went kind of nuts and caused family rows with just about everyone for the way she treated her siblings and mother in their grief and was basically a cold hearted cow bag!
It's been replicated over the years, with other deaths in and close to the family, never to that degree, but we've all been told not to 'wallow' at some point, and I have come to the conclusion that's how she copes with it herself and she can't understand that people cope with things in a different way, and that what works for her doesn't work for everyone else.
She believes that the way she copes with it is the way it should be dealt with, that taking time makes it worse, compounds the situation and causes more problems.
I can remember her snapping at my dad after his nan died that "Crying won't bring her back, and she lived a good life"
I felt like throttling her at the time.
She was a nurse for 40 years, and I believe what she saw and experienced (a&e in some rough places) affected her attitude too.
My advice is to probably not bring it up with her again, have you other people you can talk to that are more sympathetic?
I'm sorry for your loss 💐 you're grieving too.
Take care.

I don’t think she’s being cold either.

And in truth she’s right. Life does go on, and people have to move forward. It’s easy to say that someone should take as long as they need, but for every person that could be different. So if someone feels they can never move on does that mean they should leave their job and never work again?and what of the kids? Should they have to live like that for the rest of their lives?

Conversely if someone decides to go back to work the next day and send the kids back to school does that make them wrong?

Fact is that for everyone who grieves a loss there will be someone who thinks they’re not grieving in the right way.

Not quite death but when I was in ICU last year my mum told my DP he should go back to work. Not just because he needed to be doing something but because maybe if I came home he would need the time off then if I couldn’t stay on my own.They were retired so could easily move into my house and look after my DS. In fact he went back to work the day after I’d had a cardiac arrest, but there was little he could do while I was in ICU and staying. Home just left time to brood on what might happen.

@Teapotuser

Some people have never experienced grief before. When I had my partner die I was quite stunned when a few neighbours in the street didn't say a word. But one neighbour came straight round . You do remember those who are there even briefly. I was in pieces for a long time after , we had two children together. I was not fit to go to work. Some people are very blunt and matter of fact.

I think that mainstream culture in England (and possibly elsewhere in Britain, but I’ve never lived in Scotland or Wales, and spent 20 years living in various parts of England) is quite strange about dealing with death compared to other parts of the world.

I don’t think it’s unfeelingness, I think it’s extreme discomfort and not knowing what to say or do.

I’ve been shocked down the years at a colleague returning to work after his mother’s death in particularly horrible circumstances and literally no one condoling with him, and a woman I only knew by name and sight as a dog walker around my village — I knew her father had died some months earlier since I’d last seen her and said I was sorry for her loss, and she thanked me and said she’d been taken aback by people she’d known for 30 years crossing the road to avoid her.

I think it makes things harder for the bereaved than it need be if a significant number of people act as if death is an embarrassment to be tactfully ignored.

I'm not very sympathetic about death. It's sad but inevitable. It's only when a child dies before their parent that is not in the natural order.

49 is young but not tragic.

DH's parents were both younger than that when they died and I've had quite a few friends die in their 40s. Loads of people drop dead in their 40s. I wouldn't be surprised if I did. It happens.

I was quite sad when my grandparents died, but I wouldn't have needed time off work. I presume I'll see my parents off in the next 20-odd years. It's just what happens isn't it?

@ShrikeAttack

I'm not very sympathetic about death. It's sad but inevitable. It's only when a child dies before their parent that is not in the natural order.

49 is young but not tragic.

DH's parents were both younger than that when they died and I've had quite a few friends die in their 40s. Loads of people drop dead in their 40s. I wouldn't be surprised if I did. It happens.

I was quite sad when my grandparents died, but I wouldn't have needed time off work. I presume I'll see my parents off in the next 20-odd years. It's just what happens isn't it?

How young does someone have to be before you consider a death ‘tragic’ by your somewhat unfeeling criteria? Is your DH still alive, given his parents’ early deaths? Are you going to think ‘Ho hum’ if he dies in his 40s?

I think your Mum is just being incredibly practical, probably overly so but I sometimes suffer from this myself.
I suppose her thinking is that it won’t help anyone if he’s loses his job and him staying off work won’t bring her back. Hopefully his employer is being a bit more sympathetic though