UK adoption vs USA

[NoGoodPunsLeft]

This is all based on tv/films but the way adoption is portrayed is vastly different in the uk and USA & I was wondering if it is accurate.

For example, in the uk it is always older children being adopted (examples: Adam & Rachel in Cold Feet & the couple in Trying) whereas always seems to be a pregnant teen/young woman in USA who gives up their baby (examples: friends, A Million Little Things).

Is it at all realistic in America?!

Private adoption is legal in the states, this is why more babies are available compared to the UK.

In the past small children were put up for adoption due to societal pressures. Thankfully that doesn't really happen any more here. Can't speak for the US on that score.

Some bits are similar.

In the mark Wahlberg film a few years ago one of the training sessions with the social workers was quite similar to one I did here.

Its much harder and less socially acceptable in some parts of the US to have an abortion. Consequently more babies given up voluntarily.

In the U.K. children are freed for adoption due to significant and ongoing concerns that their parents cannot care for them safely, social workers need to evidence that there is no way to keep them safe other than by permanently removing them from their birth family. Children tend to be older because that process takes time although there are exceptions eg where a parent has already had children removed and is pregnant again with no evidence of significant change.

In the US there’s a lot of stigma in some communities about teenage/unplanned pregnancy, limited access to abortion and no realistic social safety net so pregnant women relinquish their babies through private adoption.

They are two utterly different approaches to adoption.

@Jellycatspyjamas

In the U.K. children are freed for adoption due to significant and ongoing concerns that their parents cannot care for them safely, social workers need to evidence that there is no way to keep them safe other than by permanently removing them from their birth family. Children tend to be older because that process takes time although there are exceptions eg where a parent has already had children removed and is pregnant again with no evidence of significant change.

In the US there’s a lot of stigma in some communities about teenage/unplanned pregnancy, limited access to abortion and no realistic social safety net so pregnant women relinquish their babies through private adoption.

They are two utterly different approaches to adoption.

This.

Lots of families in the US adopt from foster care, including older teens who wouldn't be adopted here. So it's different that way too.

Adopting babies (under 2's) from foster in the US happens quite often. They put a time limit on the parent completing their plan to get the baby back. If they have done nothing in 6 month they move to place the child for adoption. Parents can continue to work on their plan but have to pay for it themselves as the county only funds 6 months if no progress is made.
If they are working the plan it will be funded, they continue on with foster care and will reunite once the plan calls for it. Still not allowed to drag it out, they have to show progress regularly.
When a small baby comes into fostercare, they usually run the adoption plan concurrent with reunification. So if the parent succeeds the baby goes home, if not, then they are already in a foster/adopt home where they will be adopted.
I was told by the Social workers that it is cruel to put a baby/toddlers life on hold for very long, while the parents faff about trying to decide if they want to work on getting the child back. The childs life is supposed to be the main thing they are concentrating on as babies have no control over what the parents do.
This how it was in the state we lived in and adopted in.

I know a lot about US adoption. For many reasons adoption from birth is common. There are charities that try hard to support women who won't abort & private agencies who get involved. Adoption of older children is also common as is very long term foster placement. I could tell you about... six? Family experiences as adopters or relinquishing mothers, from 1946 to 2007.

The USA doesn't have the same welfare or health service as the Uk. Ours might be poverty level in many cases, but over there it's far more brutal. And at the least, even the poorest parent here doesn't need to worry about whether their child will suffer or even die simply because they can't afford private health insurance.

Also it's a big varied country, so certainly not applicable everywhere. But even outside the Bible Belt there are plenty of religious lunatics, so anti abortion, anti unmarried mothers and an assumption adoption is the best option, with little option for the mother if she doesn't follow expectations.

The American, private adoption thing is just weird. It's basically baby selling.......I also think it's exploitative of young girls and vulnerable women who have abortion denied or difficult to afford and little support to keep and raise their babies but plenty of rich people waiting in the wings.

When a small baby comes into fostercare, they usually run the adoption plan concurrent with reunification.

Local authorities do concurrency planning in the U.K. too which does facilitate the placement of very young babies, there are complexities of the process though which are challenging for people to navigate.

My friend adopted a baby in New Hampshire USA. The mum was very young and from a southern state. She was basically told by her mum she had to give the child up. She moved in with my friend for 3 months, gave birth and went home.
Her mother had told her if she didnt give the child up that she would pursue statutory rape charges against the boy friend as she was 17 and he was 18. She was sent to live with my friend before she started to show. My friend paid all her medical bills and living expenses. That was all she was allowed to pay directly to the girl. The girl was really reluctant to give the baby up after the birth, you are not allowed to force it. It took the mother threatening the rape charges and throwing her out for her to sign the papers, she went almost 3 weeks after the birth before she caved and signed.
I had my Dd1 2 months before that poor girl gave birth and I remember when my friend came to visit she brought her with her. That poor child sat in my rocking chair holding my daughter and kissing her head.
My friend promptly moved house etc after the girl had gone home, never supplied the address for the " Open" adoption and the poor girl couldnt get in touch unless through the lawyer

We have more positive family stories than last, but I guess still sad situations. Drug abuse, other children being raised by someone else, disappeared dads, no financial security, are common features among the women who gave up babies for adoption, at the time of relinquishing, before and afterwards. 2 babies from rape. The women either couldn't get legal abortion (1940s, ~1970) or were very staunchly against abortion (1970, ~1990, 1999). 2 (or 3?) grandmothers saying "I am not going to raise your child (keep raising your children) and you aren't fit to raise it either". I guess you can call that coercion but it was factual observation, too. In ?three cases, the adoptive/foster families maintained occasional contact with the bio family.

I believe in the US you are allowed to directly solicit pregnant women for their babies and arrange a private adoption. I don't see how this would be possible under UK laws.

I've even heard of books and websites that will teach you how to do this by doing things like buying the mother things so she feels obligated and promising a legally unenforceable open adoption.

@SnuggyBuggy

I believe in the US you are allowed to directly solicit pregnant women for their babies and arrange a private adoption. I don't see how this would be possible under UK laws.

I've even heard of books and websites that will teach you how to do this by doing things like buying the mother things so she feels obligated and promising a legally unenforceable open adoption.

Yes, I think this is common. I've seen a few FB pages created by prospective adoptive parents urging pregnant women to contact them.

@WhatWouldYouDoWhatWouldJesusDo

The American, private adoption thing is just weird. It's basically baby selling.......I also think it's exploitative of young girls and vulnerable women who have abortion denied or difficult to afford and little support to keep and raise their babies but plenty of rich people waiting in the wings.

One of my friends went through both adoption system applications and I have to say as an outsider the US system made me feel quite sick.

I get the impression that most of those babies would never be up for adoption here. Some of them would have been aborted and some of them would have remained with birth family with a bit less stigma.

I have a friend who was given up for adoption as a newborn in America because her Catholic parents didn’t want a sixth child. She had always wondered about the circumstances that led to her being adopted so she tracked down her parents and five siblings who didn’t know she existed.

@theoldtrout01876

My friend adopted a baby in New Hampshire USA. The mum was very young and from a southern state. She was basically told by her mum she had to give the child up. She moved in with my friend for 3 months, gave birth and went home. Her mother had told her if she didnt give the child up that she would pursue statutory rape charges against the boy friend as she was 17 and he was 18. She was sent to live with my friend before she started to show. My friend paid all her medical bills and living expenses. That was all she was allowed to pay directly to the girl. The girl was really reluctant to give the baby up after the birth, you are not allowed to force it. It took the mother threatening the rape charges and throwing her out for her to sign the papers, she went almost 3 weeks after the birth before she caved and signed. I had my Dd1 2 months before that poor girl gave birth and I remember when my friend came to visit she brought her with her. That poor child sat in my rocking chair holding my daughter and kissing her head. My friend promptly moved house etc after the girl had gone home, never supplied the address for the " Open" adoption and the poor girl couldnt get in touch unless through the lawyer

That is the most upsetting thing I've read in a long time.That poor girl. My LO is 5months old and, especially during the first few weeks, I physically ached if I wasnt near him. I can't imagine her pain and then finding out the open adoption wasnt actually open at all. I think I'd lose my mind if I didnt know where my baby was. I'm sure your friend loves the child dearly but doing that to their mother is very wrong. It sounds like the girl was going to be forced to give up the baby regardless if your friend were to adopt them or not but if she promised an open adoption she should have followed through.

You can pay surrogates. Young women rent their wombs out to pay for college fees. David Milliband and his wife paid to adopt in America . Various newspapers have covered this, up to the reader to decide how they feel about it.

@Valkadin

You can pay surrogates. Young women rent their wombs out to pay for college fees. David Milliband and his wife paid to adopt in America . Various newspapers have covered this, up to the reader to decide how they feel about it.

Adoptions are more costly in the US, even if you go through an agency. A friend in the states has been fostering three children for well over a year, they are now going through the adoption process which will cost around $10,000 per child. This is through the local state ‘council’ rather than a private agency.

I adopted via an agency in the UK, it cost £40 for my medical and that was the only cost. In the UK we do not pay the legal costs associated with adoption.

Almost zero babies are relinquished for adoption in the U.K. I have been a social worker for a long time and only come across one. I worked with one where they changed their minds however.

Welfare is almost impossible to live on in the states and it's harder to work as a single mum. It's also as pp have said harder to terminate a pregnancy. They also have a huge private adoption industry where money is made. We don't have that here.

@theoldtrout01876

My friend adopted a baby in New Hampshire USA. The mum was very young and from a southern state. She was basically told by her mum she had to give the child up. She moved in with my friend for 3 months, gave birth and went home. Her mother had told her if she didnt give the child up that she would pursue statutory rape charges against the boy friend as she was 17 and he was 18. She was sent to live with my friend before she started to show. My friend paid all her medical bills and living expenses. That was all she was allowed to pay directly to the girl. The girl was really reluctant to give the baby up after the birth, you are not allowed to force it. It took the mother threatening the rape charges and throwing her out for her to sign the papers, she went almost 3 weeks after the birth before she caved and signed. I had my Dd1 2 months before that poor girl gave birth and I remember when my friend came to visit she brought her with her. That poor child sat in my rocking chair holding my daughter and kissing her head. My friend promptly moved house etc after the girl had gone home, never supplied the address for the " Open" adoption and the poor girl couldnt get in touch unless through the lawyer

Your 'friend' is a vile human being. How could she take that poor girl's baby and then ghost her. Revolting.

There was a documentary (Louis Theroux possibly) about private adoption in the US and it was the saddest thing ever. One couple felt financially they couldn't afford to be parents, they were married and had jobs but weren't home owners. They were early 20s and I assume didn't have access to an abortion as she said they knew as soon as she was pregnant that they would put the baby up for adoption. She had the baby and all the grandparents came to the hospital and were crying saying this wasn't what they wanted but they had to respect their wishes. The parents seemed weirdly detached from the whole situation. The other case was a woman who it transpired was a drug user and she was getting quite a lot of money from the prospective adopters, that she was then using on drugs. She disappeared very close to the birth and the adoptive family were gutted. The really weird thing was that the adoption agency they used was handing out fliers in the street basically advertising the perks of putting your baby up for adoption.

In the UK, relinquishing a child for adoption is not really a thing. A child is taken for adoption because the birth parents are perceived to have failed. They have very little choice about the adoptive family and are perceived as not having enough love or maturity to parent. They have very little opportunity to participate in the adoption process. Even if they agree that adoption is right for their child, they are still perceived as unable to think like a parent.

In the US, adoption is often seen as a legitimate loving choice for a parent who wants to give their child the best life possible. The reason for adoption isn't assumed to be a deficiency on the birth parents' part. It may just be that the optimal life for both child and birth parents isn't to live together. There is a perception that you can still think like an adequate, loving parent and choose adoption. You can also stay in control of the process, choosing exactly the home you want and the level of contact you want (in theory). It's not an easy decision but it doesn't carry the same stigma and there really is a much better chance of having peace of mind about your baby. Personally I prefer it as I'd find it very difficult to abort and nigh on impossible to relinquish for adoption without choosing the home. The outcomes are better and, contrary to British belief, women are perfectly capable of making a good choice about who they want to adopt their child (I've spoken to many British social workers who imagine this).

Of course that makes adoption a more viable option in the US (not good if you think The Primal Wound has it right) and leaves vulnerable young women open to being guilt tripped and cajoled into giving up babies they would have liked to keep and parent themselves. Like others I'm deeply uncomfortable with this aspect of it.

can't imagine