Feeling so sad about Dsis pregnancy

[Unreasonablygreeneyed]

NC because I don’t know if dsis is on here. I also know this is massively unreasonable and stupid of me. Please don’t be mean to me, I’m so upset.

My Dsis just called me and she is pregnant and I’m unreasonably jealous. I’ve just turned 35 and I’ve been ttc for almost 10 years, I’ve had three losses. My sister is 28 and just got pregnant on her first try.

She always gets what she wants first try, always. It makes me so mad and I hate that I’m so mad about it. She does so well in life, got a first at uni, got scholarships, had her dream career and then was able to transition easily into a different sector and has had a fantastic first year in her new career choice. She’s got a great guy, just bought an amazing new home and has a gorgeous step son too.

For me, I’ve struggled to get my career going, I struggle with my weight, we want to move house but can’t afford to, I am struggling with getting pregnant and repeated losses.

But she got pregnant on her first try and I’m so jealous about it.

@Unreasonablygreeneyed, it's understandable to feel like this. Sending out a virtual hug to you.

I’m sorry

In sorry for your losses and it must be difficult to hear your sisters news. However it's not your sisters fault that she's been successful in life and you haven't.

We all get jealous, it does seem like some people just sail through life. Don't be too hard on yourself x

Absolutely normal to feel like this. Infertility and loss mess with your head.

As long as you don’t say it to her face, it’s normal to think it.

Totally understandable

I know it won’t help immediately but try to remember that her situation doesn’t impact yours other than by comparison.
Her achievements are totally separate to you and don’t make yours any less. Try to resist the urge to compare, I know it’s hard when it’s a sibling especially a DS not to feel competition.

I've been there. Sending you a big hug.
My sister told me about her accidental pregnancy when I was just about to start IVF. She was only just 20 ( there is a big age gap between us) , with a guy she had only known a year and had no career prospects, she was still living with our parents.

I had to keep my distance for about a year - I sent birthday/Xmas presents etc... But I couldn't get involved when I was going through so much heartache. I wasn't rude or mean to my sister except for one heated argument when she kept 'pushing' me to go to her baby shower.

4 years later and I love my nephew to pieces he is an amazing little guy but I don't regret missing out on my sister's pregnancy or his first 6 months - I needed that time to look after myself.

Please be kind to yourself X x

It's very natural and understandable to feel that way but for your own sake you need to shift your mindset. Comparing yourself to others is like self-torture. There's always someone wealthier, thinner, more charismatic, cleverer etc. In your case, you're focusing on your sister and your perceived shortcomings in comparison to her, so there's not even an element of separation to act as a buffer for your feelings. It's not like a colleague or distant cousin; this is presumably someone you actually spend time with.

It's hard but I think you need to consciously redirect your thoughts in a positive way. So when you feel your mind wandering to your sister's pregnancy or latest success at work, make a conscious decision to refocus your thoughts into something in your life that makes you happy or proud (being in a healthy and loving relationship, voluntary work that you do, qualifications you've achieved etc). And if you're struggling to find anything, can you maybe focus on some positive changes that would help you improve your happiness in your own life? True happiness really can't come from being "better" than someone else, it has to come from being genuinely happy with your own lot.

On OP, I’m so sorry. Can you talk to her about it? My sister and I are quite close and she’d hate me feeling like you did so would want to know.

Very understandable and I know from experience that the pain can be almost unmanageable at times. Acknowledging and accepting the feelings to yourself and trusted third parties / friends / a counsellor / the infertility and loss community is really important and will help you to navigate these challenging emotions.

I hope you have a supportive partner and that your sister and wider family will tread sensitively as they acknowledge how hard this must be for you.

I'm so sorry about your losses and it must feel awfully unfair that you have been trying for a long time and she hasn't had to.

BUT.... you speak as if the good things in her life have just come to her. They haven't. She would have had to work really hard for that 1st, you have to apply for scholarships and be doing very well to get them, she has taken on a step-child (not the easiest thing in the world to take on), she clearly works hard or she wouldn't be doing so well.....do you see where I'm going with this?

It's going to be hard, OP but I think you know that the right thing to do here is to be happy for her.

It sounds like you need to take stock of things and maybe change a few things to help get where you want to be.

The stress of conceiving plus the misery you are piling on yourself with this jealousy may be counter-productive to what you really want, OP.

Crimkle77 I know that. That’s why I posted here instead of saying any of this to her or my mum. I know I’m utterly unreasonable and I’m really upset at feeling this way.

I’m not really that close with my sister. And I don’t want to ruin this for her by making it all about my stupid feelings. I got upset once before about something else and raised how crap I always feel compared to her and I was told by mum that I’m stupid for feeling that way.

I just don’t think I can face sitting across from them on Christmas Day. I’m wondering whether to use COVID as an excuse to say we can’t bubble with them.

I'm so sorry. That must be hard and it's understandable to feel like that.

Ktp100 I’ve worked hard too, and I applied for all sorts of grants and scholarships and stuff and never got anywhere.

What should I change? I’m really not sure what else I can do? I’ve tried fertility treatment, I’ve been on a diet all my adult life, I’ve struggled up my career path. I really don’t know what else I can do.

Its not at all unreasonable OP. Infertility is fucking awful and there is nothing else quite like it in the world.

Yes, if I were you I'd avoid a Christmas in-person this year.

I would 100% swerve seeing her at Xmas. Why do it to yourself. Self preservation is everything where infertility is concerned.

Life can be so unfair, some people seem able to coast through without so much as a hair out of place. For others it's more of a struggle. It's shit and I'm sorry x

Its not at all unreasonable OP. Infertility is fucking awful and there is nothing else quite like it in the world.

Yup. Honestly, I'd find it a bit odd if you didn't feel the way you described in your OP.

Wishing you very well .

Oh op, I hear you. I hope she was empathetic to you with what she said. And not just how easy it was for her.

@ktp100 to be fair, the op has only said about doing those things her sister did after you mentioned it, and it does sound hard. We don’t know if sister did an easy degree or is on a career path where promotions come easier that where op works, so we can’t insinuate the op just needs to ‘try harder’ or is blocking her own success.
Sometimes people just need sympathy not reminders of how much harder someone has seemingly had to work for the same things op wants in life.

You aren’t unreasonable. You are sad. You are grieving for your lost babies and the years that infertility has consumed. It is very easy for people who haven’t walked this path to judge, and to imagine hypothetically how they might be able to react dispassionately / with nothing but happiness for their sister. That happiness might develop in time but it is likely to co-exist with sadness for your own situation and that is both normal and to be expected. Anyone who has experienced similar will find these emotions very familiar.

Any loving mother and sister should already anticipate how hard this will be for you and be sensitive in their approach to the whole scenario. If spending Christmas with them is a bridge too far emotionally for you then there is absolutely no shame at all in making polite excuses and protecting your own mental health. Nobody could (or should) judge you for that. I would say, however, that you might find it easier to see her sooner rather than later as for me at least, the tricky emotions were at their most heightened when my sister had an obvious bump.

BUT.... you speak as if the good things in her life have just come to her. They haven't. She would have had to work really hard for that 1st, you have to apply for scholarships and be doing very well to get them, she has taken on a step-child (not the easiest thing in the world to take on), she clearly works hard or she wouldn't be doing so well.....do you see where I'm going with this?

You missed out luck. That's a huge factor for many people who do well, although obviously it makes people feel better about themselves to believe it was all entirely within their own personal control and purely down to what a great human being they are.

If all it took to have a good life with good health was hard work there would be no suffering in the world. Luck is a huge factor in all of these things, on both sides. Some people get hit by setback after tragedy after calamity and some people get success after easy time after reward. The universe doesn't care about fairness being applied to each individual human life!

Op, these are natural emotions and understandable. I don't think you're stupid to feel how you do, and I see no sign of you using your emotions as justification to lash out or hurt anyone. It's not your sister's fault but it is understandable that being confronted by her falling pregnant easily is going to bring your pain at your opposing situation into sharp focus.

It's ok to feel how you do and allow yourself to grieve for the life you hoped for. Allowing yourself to feel and allowing yourself to grieve is what frees you to regroup and keep going.

Beating yourself up and calling yourself names is only going to add to your pain and turn your emotions into a pressure cooker. You deserve compassion from yourself right now.

To be fair to my sister she just sent a text saying we were going to be an aunt and uncle and was really nice about it. She knows we’ve had a crap time. I wouldn’t ever say to her I’m upset, and I wouldn’t want to upset her.

@Puddlelane123 that’s a good point but I don’t think I can see her right now. Because of work I wasn’t due to see her until Christmas Day anyway, but I just can’t face it right now. I’ve felt particularly shit about just turning 35 because I never wanted to be an “older” mum and now my much younger sister is providing the first grandchild, plus with her step son there will be two kids from my sister and her husband. I am just too sad about it.

Thanks for the sympathy everyone. I think i will say that due to DH working in a high risk job, I don’t want to put her in danger over Christmas so we won’t see them. It means she can see mum and dad without having to worry about catching anything from us. I’ll have to find another home for the mulberry gin I got for her though.

That is hard for you OP. Do you know the cause of your infertility? X

You're not unreasonable or stupid to feel this way.

Allow yourself to feel it. Bottling it all up inside isn't healthy.

You have my complete sympathy because i was a seething mass of jealousy when my SILs were pregnant. Painting on smiles and sobbing in private.

I don't have much actual advice. Do you have someone you can be honest with in real life?

DO remind yourself that her achievements and milestones aren't anything stolen from you. If that makes sense? Don't let it eat you up x

I don't know if this is going to be any help at all ...

but regarding my jealousy of SILs pregnancies: once they had their babies the jealousy melted away. I wanted to be pregnant. I didn't want their babies though ... y'know?
again :)