Feeling so sad about Dsis pregnancy

[Unreasonablygreeneyed]

NC because I don’t know if dsis is on here. I also know this is massively unreasonable and stupid of me. Please don’t be mean to me, I’m so upset.

My Dsis just called me and she is pregnant and I’m unreasonably jealous. I’ve just turned 35 and I’ve been ttc for almost 10 years, I’ve had three losses. My sister is 28 and just got pregnant on her first try.

She always gets what she wants first try, always. It makes me so mad and I hate that I’m so mad about it. She does so well in life, got a first at uni, got scholarships, had her dream career and then was able to transition easily into a different sector and has had a fantastic first year in her new career choice. She’s got a great guy, just bought an amazing new home and has a gorgeous step son too.

For me, I’ve struggled to get my career going, I struggle with my weight, we want to move house but can’t afford to, I am struggling with getting pregnant and repeated losses.

But she got pregnant on her first try and I’m so jealous about it.

It’s totally understandable. She’s sailed through life, but remember she has only done so SO FAR. I did exactly the same but it all went to shit in my 30s. No one who was jealous of me before then would be jealous of me now. I don’t say that for sympathy but hopefully to make it easier on you.

When my Bil and Sil told me they were pregnant I cried for days. They'd driven round to my house (an hr drive) especially to tell me and I literally couldnt speak when they said.
As soon as they left I cried and cried. I couldnt believe my mum hadnt warned me, but she was told to keep a secret (she NEVER keeps secrets).
I found it very hard to even look at my SIL the whole pregnancy and her baby shower was one of the worst days of my life. I felt terrible for not being excited or happy for them, but I just couldnt.
I was 45 and knew I would always be childless. We'd done a few rounds of IVF.
Now I love my niece dearly, but it's still a punch in the stomach everytime my SIL jokes about her being a pain or says about having more.
I just want you to realise I felt exactly the same.
My niece looks exactly like me (as a child) even that is hard...

@Karcheer That resonates with me.

Less than a week after my loss my BIL and SIL arranged a whole family meal at a restaurant to announce their pregnancy. With scan pics and everything.

It came out in convo later on that me and DH were the only ones who didn't know beforehand though :( I mean - they're normally nice people - why?? I've never struggled so hard and for so long to not cry than through that bloody meal. All 3 bloody courses :(

In hindsight i remember MIL watching me carefully at the time.

Sorry for your losses it must be unbelievably hard for you to hear this news. Maybe she will be more understanding about how you feel than you expect.

It's horrible to be in the position you are in. I completely sympathise. When my sister announced her second pregnancy (at the 1st birthday party of her firstborn) I managed a sort of rictus grin, before fleeing to the toilet and crying and crying. When the baby was born, BIL called me at work to tell me the happy news and I remember sitting in my office saying "Lovely news! Congratulations!" with tears coursing down my cheeks. But I also remember that as soon as I saw my lovely niece, I felt nothing but love for her.
If you need some distance at this time, you must look after yourself. But you also need to be mindful of your sister's feelings and not make her feel guilty. It's not her fault that you are in so much pain, and she is allowed to feel happy and rejoice.

I've been there OP but it's a slippery slope. You allow yourself to distance yourself from her at Xmas then it's the entire pregnancy then it's meeting the baby. As hard as it is pregnancy and babies are everywhere you can't avoid it and you mustn't let it make you jealous and bitter. Infertility takes so much from us already don't let it take this away from you as well.

Friendships are about being there for someone during the good times as well as the bad

You seem to hold a great deal of envy towards your sister as it is - over her career and her degree etc - would you feel the same level of envy about her pregnancy if there weren't also these things that you compare yourself to?

You're doing the right thing not seeing her at Xmas. Personally I'd be honest and say why you're not going. I have secondary infertility and have found it quite liberating just saying why I don't want to join a zoom chat with two pregnant women and one with a newborn. I used to pretend to be fine and then just feel shit for ages afterwards. No more! Say you need some time to process and that you hope they all have a wonderful Xmas and will see them in the new year or whatever.

Ivfbusy you’re right I probably do hold a lot of envy toward my sister. We’re not very close and we haven’t always got on well. There’s a big age gap between us and she gets on better with mum and dad too. It’s not as easy to sort out in my head as just being a bit envious of everything, there’s more backstory that’s relevant but I’m not going to post about it. I will try not to avoid her too much, you’re right about not making it harder for myself. But tbh we don’t spend a huge amount of time together anyway and never have. I don’t think she’ll notice any difference really.

I’m sorry for everyone else whose been through this. And thanks for sharing your stories. It makes me feel less alone and unreasonable.

I totally understand where you're coming from regarding your jealousy over the pregnancy.

I'm not able to have a baby I now know; & when a friend became pregnant I found that it made me cry. But I congratulated her.
Another time a young nurse at work brought in her second tiny baby son & I had to hide & have a good few angry tears.

I always planned to be a mum & never thought my life would turn out the way it has.
But sometimes you have to accept the way things are. Or it will drive you crazy and turn you bitter which will show in your face.

But it's ok to have a time of being bitter & angry in secret obviously but don't let it eat away at you for too long.

That sounds really hard for you but life can with long with lots of twists of fate and fortune. Keep trusting things will work out fairly in the end and try not to compare

I really feel for you. But ultimately she deserves a baby as much as you do and it's not her fault you can't conceive.

@Laiste They knew you had a loss the week before and still did that?! Tell me I have misunderstood?

@gypsywater Yes that's right. About a week after our loss DH and i were invited to a meal out with his parents, his siblings and spouses. It was an unusual thing, we rarely all get together at once, all set up as being for a brother's wife's birthday. However she was pregnant with their first and actually they wanted make a big announcement. They all knew about my loss. When the announcement came DH took my hand under the table and I just concentrated on trying not to cry. You know when you can feel your lip wobbling and you can't breathe. Joining in with everyone ooohing and aaahhing. Then out came the scan photos and they were passed round the table. We'd just that day been putting our scan photos away in a special box :( God i'm tearing up again now writing this!

So anyway all that was bad enough, but then a few days later MIL was chatting with DH on the phone and when he got off he said she'd asked how i was ect. Then he said that she'd just said that FIL and all the other family members except one had already know about the pregnancy before the ''announcement''

DH and i were totally baffled by it. Like - just couldn't understand it why they'd done that to us. This was 8 years ago and we never speak of it. Like i say they are the nicest people. I like to think it was a monumental miscalculation on the best way to let us know?

Anyway - more for OP.

@Laiste
I'm actually shocked! That is just next level. How can someone do that when they know someone has just lost a pregnancy. I would struggle to forgive that personally :(

@gypsywater people are weird and sometimes only see their own stuff. I have a very very good friend who decided to confide in me (we are a part of a group of old school friends) that she’d had an unplanned pregnancy that she was going to abort a couple of days after I told her about the results of my failed ivf. I had to tell her that I loved her but couldn’t support her through that at that time.

OP anyone in your shoes would feel the same. Give yourself this week to let the news land. You don’t have to do Christmas with them- you also don’t need to decide right now. And maybe one of the few upsides if COVID is you can probably steer clear until at least Feb/Mar if you choose to without it being particularly obvious.

Your sister did choose to text not call so maybe she’s aware it’s complicated news for you to process, don’t feel under pressure to be super gushy and excited as hopefully they don’t expect that from you.

My friend is going through infertility and no access to IVF due to Covid. and I’m pregnant. Sometimes she cancels phone calls or whatever at the last minute. I don’t take it personally and accept the messages and stuff she is up to right now. It’s been going on for a few years and I wouldn’t wish it on anyone, she’s gone through so much.

@Karcheer yes you're right i think. It's a weird disconnection. Failing to think at all, or thinking and coming up with 2+2=5. Very few people are evil enough to do it on purpose IMO.

Until you've been there (infertility/secondary infertility) the sheer amount of possible triggers and painful situations are just unknown to you. They're just not on your radar. I wouldn't expect them to be. It's not as simple as other pregnant women, or pregnant women in the family; at my worst (for a year or so after the loss) I used to avoid daytime telly because of the amount of nappy ad's and baby food ad's. I used to avoid going up the nappy aisle in Tesco fgs. Both SILs being pregnant at the same time (!) (the second one didn't do a big announcement mercifully) was a special hell.

A few years later it was leaked (by MIL) to me that SIL had had IVF more than once to get the baby which was announced at the meal. So i am surprised she wasn't slightly more sensitive than average about the announcement thing. But there you go.

So sorry OP. I know how you feel.

I've always felt like my sister seems to get everything easier than me and is more successful than me- perfect house, more money, more friends, prettier... She got pregnant when I was so desperate for a baby, she announced it Xmas morning and I had to sit through Xmas lunch with our mum pandering to her every need as though she was ill and them joking about how fertile they were... I'd sack off Xmas day and use covid as the reason. Look after yourself xx

@Unreasonablygreeneyed

Crimkle77 I know that. That’s why I posted here instead of saying any of this to her or my mum. I know I’m utterly unreasonable and I’m really upset at feeling this way.

I’m not really that close with my sister. And I don’t want to ruin this for her by making it all about my stupid feelings. I got upset once before about something else and raised how crap I always feel compared to her and I was told by mum that I’m stupid for feeling that way.

I just don’t think I can face sitting across from them on Christmas Day. I’m wondering whether to use COVID as an excuse to say we can’t bubble with them.

@Unreasonablygreeneyed I’d just like to say you’re not “utterly unreasonable” nor should your Mum have told you were “stupid for feeling that way.” Given how long you’ve been TTC it’s completely understandable to feel pretty pissed off that your sister succeeds on her first attempt, particularly if you don’t have a great relationship anyway. You’re doing the right thing to vent on here. And good luck with your TTC-ing.

I understand how you feel op. It’s been seven years for us with a couple of early losses and no baby. My DB and his girlfriend knowing this thought the best way to announce their surprise was to give me a wrapped up scan photo as my birthday present in front of our whole family. I’ve never felt quite as heartbroken as I did that night. As much as I love my nephew pretty much every time I look at home I remember that moment. Not his fault but something I unfortunately can’t seem to get past.
They are expecting surprise number two any time now but thankfully Covid has helped and I’ve not had to see them.

God @rainbowtea23 that is awful!!! Similar to @Laiste’s experience and makes me realise that as much as people might sympathise with a situation, being able to empathise and put this into action (ie modifying behaviour) is much rarer. It is depressing in a way because I feel like the struggle of infertility and miscarriage is alot more publicised these days, but the understanding just doesnt seem to be there of the depth of pain it can cause.

Gosh, there are some awful things here, I’m sorry to hear that so many other poster have put up with those things.

Laboddelmed thanks. My mum has said those sort of things to me all my life unfortunately. I sort of half believe it now really.

I sent a congrats text to Dsis and then opened the mulberry gin I bought her for Xmas. Spent most of today trying to keep busy really, but I still feel really sad about it. I’m sure it will pass and I’ll get on with it.

@Laiste
It's so sweet that your DH squeezed your hand in sympathy under the table. I'm glad he did that, mine never knows what to do when mil spouts her vitriol.

Lots of hugs for you OP and I think it's definitely best you do what's best for you over the Christmas period.