My fiancé is so dull

[Emrae]

So I’m pissed off at my fiancé right now and just need to vent. We’re both in our early 30’s, engaged 5 years and no plans for wedding yet as we never seem to have enough money. I’m studying full time and working 3 days per week while he works full time in a low paid job. I seem to be the breadwinner and resent this if I’m honest (although I know that’s not right of me)

Basically I am pissed off with him and really upset because it’s his birthday today and I worked so hard to make it a special day despite lockdown but he doesn’t appreciate it.
Example 1. I planned to take the day off today and go for a nice walk somewhere outside our normal area in London. I told him this weeks before and when he got up this morning he was just so unenthusiastic and wanted to go to the local park down the road as we do most weekends. I know he should be able to do what he likes on his birthday but this just bothered me as I just really wanted a change of scenery and for us to do something different together that lasted longer than the usual short stroll around our neighborhood.
Example 2. He agrees to a different park (woohoo) We get to the park in a different area of London (dulwich to be exact) and I think it’s so lovely that I can’t help commenting on all the loveliness everywhere. He barely responds and seems uninterested in anything I say, fair enough maybe I do talk too much sometimes.
Example 3. He finally talks.. saying that his mother sent him 1k for his birthday. I say wow that he should really try and put that into a savings account, she gives him money like this maybe 2-3 times per year and I added that if he saved that money each time, he’d be in a position to buy a house by now. (Bare in mind, he earns just above min wage and any small savings we have is mostly from my part time earnings) he was offended by this and said that i am very negative and ungrateful. Not the case. I know his mother sending this money is hard for her, she is very much a working class woman who is sending this money from her retirement/ carer earnings (she cares for her disabled brother full time and also has a slow progressing type of cancer which is incurable) I just think that he should save it if he takes it all(I wouldn’t even accept it if it were my mother).
Example 4. I had bought ‘sexy underwear’ for his birthday but got a bit insecure about wearing it (basically because we haven’t had sex in a month and when I’ve wore stuff like this before, his reactions aren’t always what I expect). I went in to the living room to show him what I bought and he sort of laughed awkwardly. I said out of embarrassment that I didn’t think I was in the mood today as I stayed up until 2am studying but let’s see how I feel later (not the best pick up line but I was awkward because of his reaction)
Example 5. I had planned for a few of his friends to join us on FaceTime for birthday drinks which which went well and we enjoyed it, 2 hours in, they asked him to play on his computer games as they always do. He asked me if this was alright and j just snapped, I couldn’t believe it, I’m there trying to make a nice intimate day for him and this is what he wants. He plays on computer games at least 5 nights a week and sometimes during the day as he furloughed at the moment. We had a fight after the call with our friends as I couldn’t believe this is what he wanted to do and now i am in bed crying and he is playing his games in the other room. Can I just explain that I am not a clingy person, he plays games most nights as I said and I take one day off a week from studying/ working. Today was that one day off until next weekend. I have lots of friends whom I meet when lockdown permits. I do yoga and exercise classes 3 times per week online, study most evenings so really we only spend time together maybe one day on my day off and I’d say 1-2 evenings per week. I just feel so lonely and unwanted right now that he wants to spend his birthday just like any other evening with his friends online. I feel more emotional than usual because I’m stressed with uni work and I thought that maybe he’d understand me being a little more emotional than usual today and that maybe he’d appreciate me making an effort today on his birthday but no. Apparently I’m controlling and clingy. I just don’t know why I’m with him anymore, I’m in too deep, we’re together since I was 18. If anything he drags me down, he’s unambitious, a bit simple minded and lazy. If I left him, I would be so lost. I wish he’d just make more effort to maintain a healthy loving relationship instead of letting things get like this. We could be amazing together if he put in as much effort as I do. I’d like to maybe have children in a few years and he has said he would like to also. I just can’t see him with children, he’s forgotten to feed and walk our dog multiple times, I wouldn’t trust him to pull his weight equally.

@user1471565182

Bloody losers with their full time jobs and terminally ill mothers.

Cant wait for the day a woman comes on here saying she got dragged around parks against her will on her birthday by her husband, that he got himself some new boxers for her present and he tried to get her to use her money to buy a house together cos he fancied it, then lost his shit with her when she was talking to her friends.

Where did she say 'together'?

And why is he taking money off his 'terminally ill' (she has incurable cancer. Doesn't mean she's dying from it) mother anyway?

Prince amongst men!

You sound as if you care a lot for him, but are continuing to feel frustrated that he isn’t the person you know he could be if he tried.

The problem is, from his POV, you love him but always want him to change- and he doesn’t want to.

Ultimately, you’re incompatible but both nice people. He isn’t a useless arse. You’re not a controlling Bitch. You’re just not right for each other.

Have you ever had therapy to talk about your own dysfunctional childhood? It might help to work out your expectations for a partner etc

I would say you need to split, have therapy, and work on yourself before moving on.

Good luck.

You sound as if you care a lot for him, but are continuing to feel frustrated that he isn’t the person you know he could be if he tried

Gosh really? What makes you think that? Was it her calling him simple, lazy and dull? What would she call someone she doesn’t care about...

I don't know why you are clinging on to him??

5 years and hasn't married you.

No DC thank God to strap you onto him

Not even a house together

A pet that he forgets about looking after.

You just dont want to accept a failed relationship and be alone. You chose wrong. Ok that sucks. Nobody likes to admit it. But you have sooo much freedom.

Unless you aren't telling us about a perk like accommodation? You dont have to say everything but I really don't see why you are so torn about this unless there are financial or some sort of perks to being together. Is he due a fat inheritance or something?

You need to get out of this relationship for both your sakes.
Don't fall for the sunken costs fallacy - you've been together since you were 18 etcetc.
You're coming across as not very nice - saying things like he's "simple-minded" is just awful. You sound frustrated with him and this is bringing out unpleasantness. It's toxic.
The simple fact of the matter is that the two of you are totally and utterly incompatible. The frustration and resentment is just going to get worse and worse on both sides. You'll end up divorced anyway ad possibly with children in the mix.
You want children but you say:
I just can’t see him with children, he’s forgotten to feed and walk our dog multiple times, I wouldn’t trust him to pull his weight equally.
And that for me would be the ultimate dealbreaker.
You want kids but can't imagine him with them. End it now while you still have time to ind someone who is a better match for you.

I was in a relationship with someone for 5 years who was like this and it was just awful. The absolute lack of any kind of self-initiative and get-up-and-go just ground me down. I got out and you can too.

@amber763

I feel like his birthday was about you. Going for a walk where you wanted to go, underwear for you, you telling him what to do with his gift from his mum and the zoom call was surely almost over after 2 hours?!

I think the point is that if the OP hadn’t organised or suggested anything he would have sat around in his pjs all day. Nothing wrong with that for a day, especially during lockdown, but I get the feeling that sitting round in pjs is what he would do all day and everyday if left to his own devices, and that the OP is realising that it isn’t enough for her, that she has ambitions and sees wider horizons for her life.

The reaction to the birthday by both of them has shown her this . Scales have dropped from eyes and the OP now faces making choices about the rest of her life. She has spent a lot of time with this man, moving on, if that is what she decides to do, won’t be easy.

Good luck OP.

@Emrae

Thanks for everyone’s advice, I appreciate even the critical ones. I don’t know if I can simply just leave him, it’s really hard and I know I should. Maybe we could try couples counselling.

OP, you’re just trying to delay the inevitable. The couple I mentioned upthread, who you said strongly resembled you, did a good six months of weekly couples counselling, if not more. It was at the wife’s instigation, as their entire relationship, engagement, marriage and having two children had been. He just sat there feeling put upon and judged and answering in monosyllables. (I heard this part from him, incidentally.)

It was just another symptom of the set of habits they’d fallen into — him as passive (fortysomething) teenager, bored by being dragged out to do something he didn’t want to, itching to get back to a screen, her as bossy managerial mummy-figure, but also depressed and scared by realising that any change that would ever take place in their relationship would have to come from her.

In the end, she divorced him, because he just wouldn’t act. Then she actually ‘had to’ send him links for local houses to rent, or he’d just have stayed on in the marital home for years. Even after he rented a house, he stayed living in the marital home for months, I think half-automatically expecting his ex to arrange a removal van and set up utilities etc. He was just not used to having to act for himself.

And if this wasn’t cautionary tale enough, he frittered away a fairly substantial inheritance when his parents died, which would have allowed him to buy a big house as a cash buyer.

I used to think his wife was insanely financially micromanaging of his salary, until I realised what happened after she stopped handling the family finances.

Honestly, OP, from what you say this is you two in twenty years.

@Newuser991i think your comment is unfair, I didn’t have a choice to go to university when I was younger, I wasn’t encouraged to by my family or even my school, my grades weren’t great and I just started working and had a low paid, but fulfilling job until I decided to change careers three years ago. I don’t really blame my DP for his low paid job, he is good at what he does but doesn’t really seek higher paid roles even though he could. He lacks confidence and so did I for a long time until I took the plunge and went to university.

Maybe we could try couples counselling.

Why on earth would that help?

Every single post here has said you are flogging a dead horse.
You are incompatible.

From 18 to 33 people change. You've moved on in your life.

Nothing worse than 2 people clinging to a sinking ship, too scared to make for the life boat and saving themselves.

Do you live together and how can you manage financially if you split up as a student? How long before you graduate and what work will you be looking for?

Start making practical plans.

All the time you dither, your bio clock is ticking. Tick tock, tick tock.

If this man and you are not committed enough now to marry and start a family after 15 years why do you think it will change?

Madness is doing the same thing over and over, and expecting a different outcome.

Don't delay leaving.
Something will happen to make it even harder to leave and then you'll never get round to it. You'll just feel trapped.
Leave now, while you can and while you're still young(ish). Don't wait, especially if you want to meet someone else and have kids etc, life is short.

His birthday should be about what he wants to do, and while i think him accepting money from his mum in those circumstances is wrong, suggesting that he would have a house by now if he had saved all those cash gifts is quite a patronising and critical thing to say. However, as pp said you are very different people and not compatible in the long term. End it now before you waste any more time with him.

I was in the same position as you a few years ago. My ex was a complete waste of space, in and out of jobs, decent pay when in work but asking me for £5 when out of work. I work hard, have savings and a nice life, he would either be asleep or drunk. It was horrible. Leave him and be happy 💕

@Kissthepastrychef

Well on the plus side OP, if you decide to stay then you won't need to have any children as it appears you already have a teenage son

Maybe we could try couples' counselling I can see his reaction already.

OP. 10 years from now what do you want your life to look like? He will not change, you've been with him long enough to see who he is. Is that what you want?

OP - you've been with your fiancé since you were 18. You were so young when you met. 15 years later the relationship has just run its course. There are marriages that last less time. It's time to move on.

You've both changed and want different things out of life. And that's ok. But to keep trying to force your fiancé into something he's not is not ok.

You are only 33! Your life can and will change dramatically when you have graduated (congratulations and well done you for going to university as a mature student). You have given yourself a golden opportunity to try a new career path and change your life.

It's sad and scary, but rather than thinking of the negatives, think of all the positives. I promise you, in 12 months your whole life will have changed for the better. Go for it! Go and get a happier life.

I think you’re not on the same page but also, it’s his birthday maybe he would prefer to do what he wants? Maybe he’s sad about getting old

You’re not comfortable though, are you? Your OP is a long and detailed list of things that make you unhappy/irritate you. You had a major argument on the night of his birthday. Just to give you some perspective, I had a couple of LTRs that were not right before I met my husband. They had moments of irritation, arguments, game playing, second-guessing, even though they also had moments of wonderful fun and happiness.

In the 9 years I have been with DH (6 married) we have never had a major argument. We have a toddler and both do fairly stressful jobs. That is partly about our temperaments but it’s also partly because we just don’t clash. Before him I would not have thought that possible. And those bad previous relationships most definitely helped me to recognise him as a “good one” when he came along. I was also 36 so it’s not too late for you. Just chalk this one up to experience, use what you have learned and move on.

It would also be not a bad idea to get to know yourself as a single person for a bit. You have so much going on in your life that you won’t be bored.

Do you have any close friends in real life in whom you could confide in the way you wrote the OP?

@katy1213

He sounds a complete loser. In his 30s, and taking significant money from his elderly mum? You won't be lost without him. You'll thrive without dead weight dragging you down.

This is my take. Why are you wasting your life on this utter dud? Low earner, lackluster sex life, ingrate, gamer, poor conversationalist, unadventuresome, takes money from hardworking elderly mum. Wow, what a catch.

You've been together a very long time, and you've grown apart. You need to either accept things as they are, or do something about it and leave him.

@Tempusfudgeit

*Maybe we could try couples' counselling* I can see his reaction already.

OP. 10 years from now what do you want your life to look like? He will not change, you've been with him long enough to see who he is. Is that what you want?

There are worse things than being alone and this relationship is a prime exhibit.

Why would you even contemplate raising kids with a man who has little career potential and so so clueless he would suggest McDonalds to a tourist in London?

When I read your initial thread I thought someone much younger had written it, but in fact you say you are 33 years old....
You have been together longer than a lot of marriages last, people change and now you are both clearly incompatible .

He thinks you're controlling because you are trying to make things happen, you have an energy he doesn't.
If you were with another person they might be three steps ahead and thinking you're laid-back! It's all relative. You're not controlling you just don't want nothingness to be your life choice, he isn't on the same page.