My fiancé is so dull

[Emrae]

So I’m pissed off at my fiancé right now and just need to vent. We’re both in our early 30’s, engaged 5 years and no plans for wedding yet as we never seem to have enough money. I’m studying full time and working 3 days per week while he works full time in a low paid job. I seem to be the breadwinner and resent this if I’m honest (although I know that’s not right of me)

Basically I am pissed off with him and really upset because it’s his birthday today and I worked so hard to make it a special day despite lockdown but he doesn’t appreciate it.
Example 1. I planned to take the day off today and go for a nice walk somewhere outside our normal area in London. I told him this weeks before and when he got up this morning he was just so unenthusiastic and wanted to go to the local park down the road as we do most weekends. I know he should be able to do what he likes on his birthday but this just bothered me as I just really wanted a change of scenery and for us to do something different together that lasted longer than the usual short stroll around our neighborhood.
Example 2. He agrees to a different park (woohoo) We get to the park in a different area of London (dulwich to be exact) and I think it’s so lovely that I can’t help commenting on all the loveliness everywhere. He barely responds and seems uninterested in anything I say, fair enough maybe I do talk too much sometimes.
Example 3. He finally talks.. saying that his mother sent him 1k for his birthday. I say wow that he should really try and put that into a savings account, she gives him money like this maybe 2-3 times per year and I added that if he saved that money each time, he’d be in a position to buy a house by now. (Bare in mind, he earns just above min wage and any small savings we have is mostly from my part time earnings) he was offended by this and said that i am very negative and ungrateful. Not the case. I know his mother sending this money is hard for her, she is very much a working class woman who is sending this money from her retirement/ carer earnings (she cares for her disabled brother full time and also has a slow progressing type of cancer which is incurable) I just think that he should save it if he takes it all(I wouldn’t even accept it if it were my mother).
Example 4. I had bought ‘sexy underwear’ for his birthday but got a bit insecure about wearing it (basically because we haven’t had sex in a month and when I’ve wore stuff like this before, his reactions aren’t always what I expect). I went in to the living room to show him what I bought and he sort of laughed awkwardly. I said out of embarrassment that I didn’t think I was in the mood today as I stayed up until 2am studying but let’s see how I feel later (not the best pick up line but I was awkward because of his reaction)
Example 5. I had planned for a few of his friends to join us on FaceTime for birthday drinks which which went well and we enjoyed it, 2 hours in, they asked him to play on his computer games as they always do. He asked me if this was alright and j just snapped, I couldn’t believe it, I’m there trying to make a nice intimate day for him and this is what he wants. He plays on computer games at least 5 nights a week and sometimes during the day as he furloughed at the moment. We had a fight after the call with our friends as I couldn’t believe this is what he wanted to do and now i am in bed crying and he is playing his games in the other room. Can I just explain that I am not a clingy person, he plays games most nights as I said and I take one day off a week from studying/ working. Today was that one day off until next weekend. I have lots of friends whom I meet when lockdown permits. I do yoga and exercise classes 3 times per week online, study most evenings so really we only spend time together maybe one day on my day off and I’d say 1-2 evenings per week. I just feel so lonely and unwanted right now that he wants to spend his birthday just like any other evening with his friends online. I feel more emotional than usual because I’m stressed with uni work and I thought that maybe he’d understand me being a little more emotional than usual today and that maybe he’d appreciate me making an effort today on his birthday but no. Apparently I’m controlling and clingy. I just don’t know why I’m with him anymore, I’m in too deep, we’re together since I was 18. If anything he drags me down, he’s unambitious, a bit simple minded and lazy. If I left him, I would be so lost. I wish he’d just make more effort to maintain a healthy loving relationship instead of letting things get like this. We could be amazing together if he put in as much effort as I do. I’d like to maybe have children in a few years and he has said he would like to also. I just can’t see him with children, he’s forgotten to feed and walk our dog multiple times, I wouldn’t trust him to pull his weight equally.

[bananamonkey]

You’ve outgrown each other and that’s not a bad thing, just life, you both sound unhappy. Can you really imagine spending the next 30 years this way?

You’re in your 30s so don’t miss your chance at happiness, 2 years from now you could be married with a baby on the way/starting the process for fostering/adoption.

[Branleuse]

if you have no kids, I dont see the point of being with someone thats so uninspiring and unexciting. Maybe its time for a change

[ThirstyGhost]

I haven't read the full thread as I got to the point where other posters started bitching at each other (and I'm having a down day so I'm not in the mood for that). You're not controlling - you're just not compatible. I actually don't think either of you is right or wrong, you're just different. You need someone more dynamic and he needs someone with different expectations. You're just different is all. It's pretty normal to outgrow the relationship you started when you were 18. I actually think it can be healthy to.

[Chickychickydodah]

You are obviously different people who have different ideas on hobbies life etc, he isn’t going to change so I’d think about what You want for the future and focus on getting that with someone who feels the same.

[Saz12]

You’re only with him out of fear of loneliness. That isn’t fair to you or him.
How would you feel if he said “I can affectionately tolerate you” instead of “I love you”? That’s what this situation is. You need to either spend proper time together to try to reconnect or you need to walk away. Probably the latter.

[MollyButton]

It is not going to get better.

That is the blunt truth. Even couple counselling will not make it better.
Now if you can live with making all the plans, never having surprises planned for you etc. And that is balanced by what he does for you....

But having a cup of tea made for you is a really really low bar. My son's housemates will do that for him.

Doing all the planning and organising is really exhausting, and you don't realise just how much more exhausting it is in a couple than on your own until you get out.
At least when you are on your own when you suddenly want to go to Dulwich - you can go and there is no negativity. In normal times if you see a bargain flight to Istanbul - you can just nab it without having to consult someone.

18 to 30 - you are totally different people. Don't cling on just because its familiar.

[LindaEllen]

I mean, I think you tried to take over his birthday a little bit. It's all very well planning things you think are great, but if it's not what he would choose, what's the point?

You can't tell him how to spend his money, and quite frankly, if he wants to play games with his mates on his birthday, why the hell not? Birthdays this year have been so shit, let him do what he wants to do.

That being said, you're clearly incompatible when it comes to lots of ideas about what to do (or what you should do) in different situations. This is likely to get worse over time - so think to yourself, is it really worth it? Will you be happy if you stay with this man?

[Newuser991]

[quote Emrae]@Newuser991i think your comment is unfair, I didn’t have a choice to go to university when I was younger, I wasn’t encouraged to by my family or even my school, my grades weren’t great and I just started working and had a low paid, but fulfilling job until I decided to change careers three years ago. I don’t really blame my DP for his low paid job, he is good at what he does but doesn’t really seek higher paid roles even though he could. He lacks confidence and so did I for a long time until I took the plunge and went to university.[/quote]
I think you're unfair. Being unkind for being in a minimum wage job when by your own admission you did not have those opportunities yourself.

Speaking as if he isn't good enough for you and his ideas don't fit yours of what a perfect birthday should be

A great many people on this site work minimum wage jobs.

Dump your boring man and find someone you deem worthy of you

[OrigamiOwl]

@Wiredforsound

You’ve made his birthday all about you, doing things you wanted to do rather than the things he wanted to do. That said, he sounds as boring as hell and a bit useless and self absorbed, and as you clearly both want different things out of life you’d be better off out of it.

I do agree with this. You both clearly want different things in life. You shouldn't compromise and like what you see you be a "lesser life" but also he shouldn't have to change who he is to please you.

You do seem to have made his birthday all about you. Which park you wanted to go to, underwear for you, you organised a zoom call etc. You've said you do the organising because he doesn't have opinions... Maybe he didn't want to do those things? It seems what he wanted to do was okay video games. Not very mature, but it's what he wants to do on his birthday. Also while I see your point about the money from his mum, it's his birthday present! I wouldn't be happy if my DH told me I had to save all my birthday money, as it's my gift. He should be allowed to choose what he does with his present.

Like I said I think you both busy are different people and want different things. Neither of you can expect the other to change their personality, interest or level of ambition to suit.

[MLMbotsgoaway]

What are you hoping to achieve by writing this thread? That’s not a dig - I really mean it. Are you hoping everyone will agree with you so that you get the strength to leave?

Personally I don’t think anything he’s done is that awful. So he didn’t fancy the park? It’s cold and miserable out and maybe that made him less keen. Then he actually went along with what you wanted anyway.

My dh has started playing on the Xbox much more since lockdown - but then I’ve probably been sat reading MN it scrolling through social a lot more too.

It doesn’t sound to me like you want to be with him - so if that’s the case - now is the time to do something about it.

[Heyahun]

I don’t know why you come on giving out about him and how miserable it is..then you say i won’t leave him I can’t - and then think couples counselling will help.

It won’t - your relationship is done

[TatianaBis]

You definitely don’t need couples’ counselling. He’s perfectly happy with who he is it just doesn’t work for you. You need counselling alone.

Your problem is that you believe you could be happy with him if he was different: We could be amazing together if he put in as much effort as I do.

But that’s just another way of saying you’re not happy with him as he is.

He will never put as much effort in as that is not his personality or his life choice.

You need to respect who he is and come to terms with the fact that he’s not the right person for you. Then you need to address in therapy why you feel like you can’t leave.

[murbblurb]

you've been together since you were very young. Looks like you've grown in different directions. Sad, but that's often how it is. Nobody is wrong, you are just different.

won't be easy, but stop wasting each other's time. I wish you both the best.

[VicMackey]

Neglecting the dog just one time would be a deal breaker for me.

[Respectabitch]

Look, your relationship is over. It's a barely animated corpse stumbling around. What comes across very clearly in the way you write the whole birthday saga is that you don't really like him. You don't respect him. And I don't entirely blame you, but that's poison to a relationship. You've put yourself in the position of his mum, designing a birthday with a healthy walk and where he saves money and socialises blah blah, except that isn't actually what he wanted. This is not a sexy or a sustainable dynamic for a romantic relationship. You only like the version of him that exists in your head that you think he could be. But he isn't.

You don't work together. It's time to break up.

[LadyGAgain]

Being on your own is easier than being made to feel second rate. And this is from someone who started again in early 30's after 15 years and marriage to the same person.

I guarantee you that he won't think twice about leaving if someone else comes along (are you sure she hasn't already?). Being left is worse than leaving even if the feeling is mutual.

Don't let him steal your 30's. This can be a truly important decade for a woman.

Or, sit him down and explain how you feel. If he doesn't change he won't ever make you feel better than you do today. It will only get worse and resentment will grow.

[Mycatismadeofstringcheese]

The unambitious person is you.

You’re settling with someone you don’t respect. You could do so much better, but you don’t.

You don’t need couples counselling, I would highly recommend individual counselling to help you work out why you are trying to fix the unfixable. Why you think you would be lost without someone you describe as dull and unambitious.

Imagine your life without this millstone around your neck. How much more could you achieve if you put all that effort into yourself instead of this dull frustrating relationship?

[Embracelife]

You shpuld not be engagex to someone you belueve is dull.
Break up
Move on

[praepondero]

Run. Please.

[MustardMitt]

It’s not your responsibility to ensure he lives a happy life. Your responsibility is to you and your happiness. You only get one life.

Don’t stay because of the sunk costs fallacy. You don’t need counselling you need a fresh start.

[Melaniaswig]

You don’t sound compatible at all. You sound quite controlling. Surely he can do what he likes on his birthday. I’m also not sure whether you should be dictating what he spends his birthday money on. Although if you really were any kind of team, he’d probably use it for your future or a shared interest. It sounds like you have very different goals in life. It doesn’t seem like he’s up for getting married.
Don’t waste your time on someone who doesn’t share your life goals. It Sounds like his get up and go has deserted him. The worst thing you could do is marry him.

[TatianaBis]

I don’t think she’s controlling as much as trying to mould her bf into someone he’s not.

She wants him to be someone who would like to go somewhere special for a walk on his birthday. He’s not. She’d like him to be someone who notices the beauty in the park. He’s not. She wants him to be someone who wants to spend time with her on his birthday. He doesn’t. He wants to game and talk to his mates. He probably has more in common with them. And they’re not desperately wanting him to be someone he’s not.

[TatianaBis]

She also wants him to be someone who saves his mum’s hard earned cash gifts to put towards a future life together. He’s not.

He’s basically a bit thick and rather limited and doesn’t think much beyond his low paid job and his games console.

[NorbertMeubles]

You sound controlling and self centered.

[OverTheRainbow88]

@NorbertMeubles

You sound compassionate and understanding