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Original poster

MIL told children I drank when I was pregnant

61 replies

IndieRo · 27/11/2020 12:16

So exactly as the title says. My mil told my DD's that I drank alcohol on one of my daughters and that's why she wasn't born as big as her sister. This is an absolute lie, I never drank alcohol on any of my children. I only really started to have the occasional drink when my youngest was 2, I was 32 at that stage. This all happened about 10 weeks ago.My daughters visited mil as she lives around the corner, DD's are 10 and 12. They came home and said, "Mammy, nanny said you drank on Dd2. My DH immediately rang his mother and really let her have it. Mil said we took it wrong and that we were the problem. DH said she was to apologise to me and that he could not let the children visit until she apologised. She has not apologised and our DC have not seen or spoken to her since. They want to see her and I feel so bad for them but mil has form. Far too much to write here but she has always thrown snide comments at me when DH wasn't around. In the last 4 years DH has seen her true colours and let's her away with nothing now. I just don't know what to do. I feel bad for keeping the children from her but it's also not OK for her to tell lies about me. What do I do?

Oh and just as a disclaimer, I was incredibly ill on DD2 with spd and then swine flu so lost my appetite so my diet wasn't as god as when I had DD1 but DD2 still weighed 9lbs 7 and was and is perfectly healthy.

OP posts:
Nomnomarrgh · 27/11/2020 12:24

She sounds very toxic. Although your dds naturally want to see her, I think you are right maintaining this distance. She is clearly trying to destroy your relationship with your children.

Original poster
IndieRo · 27/11/2020 12:32

@Nomnomarrgh, she is extremely toxic. She has been horrible to me over the years. I don't visit her home anymore because of it and I feel this is another way for her to get back at me. I have put boundaries up with her after a major fallout about 3 years ago. She knows she is not welcome in my home now.

OP posts:
TheCatsPjammas · 27/11/2020 12:34

Your MIL sounds like a delight! Best advice is ignore and let it wash over you. I know it’s hard but think it will bug her even more if you don’t react. You can always say firmly that something is not true. But I’m guessing putting in her place wouldn’t go down too well.

Take the higher ground, you won’t change her. If your DC enjoy her company, let them see her. Have faith in your daughters that they will see her for what she is... eventually!

Anyway, pregnancy advice has changed over the years, a drink was ‘ok’ at some point ( not that you did).

My DM ‘cut’ down to 5/day cig guys when she was pregnant!

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Families
Ohalrightthen · 27/11/2020 12:35

I'm sorry, i have to ask, if she's so toxic and unpleasant to you that you don't let her in your home, why the fuck are you allowing her unsupervised access to your children? Why are you protecting yourself but not them?

justilou1 · 27/11/2020 12:35

Wow! This is a good thread to link to the “Why all the MIL hate on Mumsnet?” threads going around! What an evil, manipulative woman! She has been the master of her own lonely destruction though....

ShortSilence · 27/11/2020 12:36

Mil said we took it wrong and that we were the problem.

Confused How on earth could you take that wrong?! Bizarre attempt at defending herself there.

You’re right to establish distance and be firm. Telling toxic lies about you to your own children is just appalling.

Original poster
IndieRo · 27/11/2020 12:38

@Ohalrightthen, she sees my children because she genuinely adores them and I've never had a problem with her relationship with them. Obviously after the comment she made I have kept them away from her.

OP posts:
Original poster
IndieRo · 27/11/2020 12:39

@justilou1, master of her own destruction, I like that. She pushed it too far this time.

OP posts:
Aquamarine1029 · 27/11/2020 12:42

I wouldn't allow her anywhere near my children. She has just proven that she will now focus her poison on her grandchildren. If she can't get to you directly, she will now do so through them.

There is nothing to be conflicted about here. She is horrible, end of story.

Original poster
IndieRo · 27/11/2020 12:48

@Aquamarine1029, yes she is getting to me through my children now. My dd's obviously know why they can't see her and they haven't mentioned it until today. Well my DD2 said she would like to see Nanny. I feel like I'm the bad person for not allowing them to see her even though I did nothing wrong. All she has to do is apologise and she won't.

OP posts:
WhySoSensitive · 27/11/2020 12:50

I wouldn’t allow her near my children unsupervised either. Who knows what else has been said that they haven’t repeated to you.
She sounds toxic, especially if she so brazenly told them a lie too.

slipperywhensparticus · 27/11/2020 12:51

At 10 and 12 you can have a conversation with your children about nanny telling lies and not being kind to mum and dad explain that when your in the wrong you should apologise and she won't its not you stopping them from seeing her its her poor behaviour

I would be concerned that when they did see her again she will drip poison in their ears as "our little secret" and because you stopped them seeing her this time they will be more inclined to keep her secrets next time

Aquamarine1029 · 27/11/2020 12:51

All she has to do is apologise and she won't.

I'm sorry, but I completely disagree with this. There comes a point when an apology simply won't work. What she said was deliberate, and I assure you she's not sorry at all.

Bellringer · 27/11/2020 12:53

You are the mum. It's not ok her lying about you. Tell dc why, don't be bullied

Yohoheaveho · 27/11/2020 12:56

She will not apologise because she considers herself to be your superior, she believes that she outranks you and she can do and say just as she pleases

Original poster
IndieRo · 27/11/2020 12:57

@Aquamarine1029, you are right, an apology is not enough. It was deliberate what she said. She didn't care if it was a lie or not. How can a person be like that. I do t understand. Does she hate me that much that she wants to turn my children against me.

OP posts:
Yohoheaveho · 27/11/2020 12:58

Her endgame is to discredit you and butter up your children so that they trust and are loyal to her, she can then use them as weapons against you

Original poster
IndieRo · 27/11/2020 12:59

@Yohoheaveho, yes she does have a superiority complex for sure. She thinks because she did some assertiveness courses and counselling that she knows everything. She constantly goes on about how "well" she is, as in mentally. To me she is not well at all.

OP posts:
Yohoheaveho · 27/11/2020 13:00

It's not so much that she hates you, more that she needs to feel superior and and she cannot do that unless she crushes you to make you inferior

Original poster
IndieRo · 27/11/2020 13:01

@Yohoheaveho, yes absolutely. It's only when you get outside views from people who are impartial than I can see she's the problem and what her plan is.

OP posts:
Yohoheaveho · 27/11/2020 13:02

I would treat her as if she is nothing, dismiss and ignore her

unebaguettepastropcuite · 27/11/2020 13:03

Your childen are old enough to be told the truth. Something along the lines of "You cannot see her (for the moment) because, as you know, she is lying about me and manipulating you in order to get at me. This is not acceptable."

Original poster
IndieRo · 27/11/2020 13:03

@Yohoheaveho, oh how she has made me feel inferior over the years. She has put me down so much since I know her but always turns around and says"im not responsible for how you feel". She knows I'm a very good mam and I think it gets to her.

OP posts:
TheStripes · 27/11/2020 13:04

Every time your children ask you if they can see her, just sit them down and reiterate that what she said is not true, that’s she makes things up, and explain that because of her actions it’s not appropriate for her to see them for now (and possibly not again).

Your MIL’s behaviour is unhealthily destructive. You need to protect your children and your relationship with them.

justasking111 · 27/11/2020 13:08

[quote IndieRo]@Ohalrightthen, she sees my children because she genuinely adores them and I've never had a problem with her relationship with them. Obviously after the comment she made I have kept them away from her.[/quote]
I did that with my mother in the end the toxic drips got too much. OH backed me up have not seen the old witch for over a decade now. Blocked her on phone, moved house changed number ex directory still she found me through her nhs friend. I sometimes get a call from her friends she is in ICU, she is dying, yeah well she has been dying for years. Let me know when she is dead and I will bury her.

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