School mornings have become hell due Separation Anxiety

[SchoolMorningsAreNoFun]

DD is 6, year 2.

She absolutely loves school 9 days out of 10, has friends, plenty of party invites and playdates (pre-covid). School have said she’s a delight, there’s a bit of low level behavioural issues with the class in general (talking while the teacher is, not focusing on work, bit of silliness etc.) but nothing out of the ordinary given the situation, but in general DD is polite, hardworking, a bit over sensitive but is generally liked by the others in her class.

But she is an absolute nightmare in the mornings. She will hide things, refuse to get dressed, undress herself if I dress her – she’s damaged so much uniform in her attempts to get free of it, throws her food on the floor, will hide herself if she thinks it’ll prevent her going out the door, she also does a fake cough thing claiming she’s ever so ill and can’t go to school.

Once I get her out the door if we walk; she screams, fake coughs, cries, runs away and has been known to bite and kick me when I lift her to get her to school. If we walk I end up dragging her or carrying her most of the way. If we drive; she refuses to get in the car, when I eventually get her in she screams, fake coughs and when we get to school will try and hide in the car to stop me taking her in.

It can take 2 members of staff to get her into the school building. But within 10 minutes of me leaving is happy as anything, chatting away to the TA or her friends as if nothing happened.

School think she has an extreme form of Separation Anxiety. They’ve said she panics at the thought of leaving me so the fake coughing appears like a panic attack; her saying she can’t breathe, her not being able to control it.

I can’t go on like this though. I’ve hurt my back and shoulder lifting DD. I’ve tried everything to make the separation easier; bribery – we can do something nice after school, you can choose a toy to walk/drive to school with us. Ignoring – walking out the front door, off on the way to school etc. DD literally turns and runs back home if I walk off, and sits down at home happy as anything if I walk out the front door, letting her go to school without the things she’s hidden and her having consequences from school – she got upset at school and talked about it at home but it didn’t stop her hiding things. She will literally hide anything if it’ll get her out of going to school; shoes, socks, her water bottle, book etc one morning she completely emptied the spoons out of the drawer and hid them to avoid going as it meant she couldn’t have breakfast (I sent her in with no breakfast and rang afterwards to explain). I’ve even let her choose what she wears and takes to see if that’ll make it easier but she still hid them!

I don’t know what to do. School are being as helpful as they can but are limited in what else they can do as she’s not showing any disruptive behaviour there – they’ve explained to her that she has to come to school and she always tells them she likes school. I took her to the GP but they were pretty unhelpful said she was too old for Separation Anxiety and too young for help from other services.

She’s getting worse not better. We’re now starting to be late for school and me late for work.

I will repeat here, once she’s at school she’s fine, comes out happy as anything the majority of the time (we all have the occasional bad day I’m sure so I’m not concerned by the occasional one), eats all of her school lunch etc. It’s literally just mornings which are the problem.

For added context: In 2017 I split with DDs dad due to his violence. He sees DD but only EOW. So I’m not sure if that’s feeding into her anxiety. I have remained single. DD also has some medical issues which cause pain so that could be playing a part too but she is on regular pain medication and doesn’t seem to have problems with it at school (who are aware of the medical issues). She’s also asthmatic so worry the fake coughing might trigger an attack.

Any ideas? I can’t keep doing this too her. I worry that she’ll be like this when she starts secondary and is bigger than me and I can’t force her in.

Sorry this is way longer than I was expecting. Please move if on the wrong board.

Hopeful lunchtime bump

Ds1 had terrible separation anxiety at school. After several years the headteacher used to walk him in to do a job and then put a sticker on a chart. I have no idea why that worked when nothing else had.
But I feel your pain.

I feel for you OP - Ive been there. From reception right through to the end of year 2. What worked eventually was a TA met him at the gate and gave him a job to do. Usually something like putting the pens out or something like that. I know it is hard for schools to do anything like that at the moment though. He also settled more when he had made some firm friends which I facilitated with play dates and park meets.
Realistically, he just got used to school (took 3 yrs) and settled down and began to have fun there. He still can have a touch of separation anxiety (he's only 7) but nothing like what he had before.
I really feel for you, it is v v hard.

Oh that is really hard.

I had this to some extent with dd2 in the mornigns, when she was in year 1. The TA used to peel her off me in the playground screaming and then once she had gone in and hung up her coat, she was fine!

I'm sure you have tried some of this, but these things worked.

1. It was anxiety rather than anything else, so I often stopped all preparation in the morning, sat on the floor and cuddled her. It calmed her down.
2. pre-knowledge, she was better when there was a routine/plan. Would it help to have a check list. Of course I realise this might make it worse.
3. transfer object, she often took something in to school from home. I have heard people make 'kisses' which ar elittel hearts with mummy loves you on it and mummy kisses it etc.
4. sensory stuff. I suspect dd is on the autistic spectrum. she is now 13 and fits quite a few Aspbergers things. She was sensory seeking, so firm hard hugs worked. She was also sensory sensitive, so socks and shoes had to be just right.
5. Part of ASD can be deman avoidance (PDA?) and this means when she is struggling she shys away from any sort of direct instruction, and resists it. It works really well to give her choices - so - breakfast first or shoes on first? She regains some control but within choices that you need her to do.
6. My dd was loads better in nursery and reception because I was able to walk her in to the class room, and then she had done the transition with me and was safely in school before I left. Has this got worse sinece Covid? Is she struggling with an abrupt transition? Would a soft transition help? Would school allow you to walk her in?

Sorry if none of these are helpful, lots of sympathy, it is exhausting.

@Tiggles

Ds1 had terrible separation anxiety at school. After several years the headteacher used to walk him in to do a job and then put a sticker on a chart. I have no idea why that worked when nothing else had. But I feel your pain.

We haven’t found charts to be effective and she basically starts the process of not wanting to separate from the moment she wakes up so I think by the time we get to school we’re past the point of anything working iyswim. I will try it though

Just to say, there were a lot of mornigns when I came home in tears, and I knew she was fine, it was just the emotional exhaustion of an unhappy screaming child, and the way it tears you up inside.

for many children, going in at a quieter moment helps.

So empty playground 10 minutes later, quiet walk in.

She will continue to kick off at home until the change at the school end begins to help.

@steppemum

Oh that is really hard.

I had this to some extent with dd2 in the mornigns, when she was in year 1. The TA used to peel her off me in the playground screaming and then once she had gone in and hung up her coat, she was fine!

I'm sure you have tried some of this, but these things worked.

1. It was anxiety rather than anything else, so I often stopped all preparation in the morning, sat on the floor and cuddled her. It calmed her down.
2. pre-knowledge, she was better when there was a routine/plan. Would it help to have a check list. Of course I realise this might make it worse.
3. transfer object, she often took something in to school from home. I have heard people make 'kisses' which ar elittel hearts with mummy loves you on it and mummy kisses it etc.
4. sensory stuff. I suspect dd is on the autistic spectrum. she is now 13 and fits quite a few Aspbergers things. She was sensory seeking, so firm hard hugs worked. She was also sensory sensitive, so socks and shoes had to be just right.
5. Part of ASD can be deman avoidance (PDA?) and this means when she is struggling she shys away from any sort of direct instruction, and resists it. It works really well to give her choices - so - breakfast first or shoes on first? She regains some control but within choices that you need her to do.
6. My dd was loads better in nursery and reception because I was able to walk her in to the class room, and then she had done the transition with me and was safely in school before I left. Has this got worse sinece Covid? Is she struggling with an abrupt transition? Would a soft transition help? Would school allow you to walk her in?

Sorry if none of these are helpful, lots of sympathy, it is exhausting.

We have a routine, so up, breakfast, play for a bit, dressed, play/tv then out the door. She has control in what she eats, what she wears and whether she plays or watches tv. I’m sat with her all morning, she’s not a hugger really so I don’t force that on her.

She has a favourite toy but she’s not allowed to take it into her classroom it has to be handed back to me at the gates, that won’t be helping as before she took that to school and it sat in her bag all day then came home, it literally did not interfere with anything happening in the classroom apart from if she fell over or was upset she’d be allowed to the cloakroom to have a quick cuddle then back to class/the playground. School acknowledges that it’s difficult without the toy but can’t make an exception.

Yes worse since covid. We’re not allowed onto school grounds at all, beginning of the day you drop off with the Head or deputy and the class ta who walks the kids to the classroom and end of the day the children are bought out via their surname initial to the gate. They’re not even letting the Nursery or Reception parents drop at classrooms anymore. Again they’ve acknowledged it but as most of the children are ok with it they’re not changing it. Even if we’re late they lock the main gates and you have to wait for the secretary to come out to the gate and she walks the child to their class.

Ok, I get the Covid restrictions, but 2 members of staff having to drag her in eveyr day is not sustainable.

I think I would ask to speak to the SENCO, as you have concerns, then ask for a plan to help her get into school with less distress.

All this 'no exceptions' is bullshit, it is tick boxing. Of course they can make exceptions, they are currently making the exception of needing to touch her in order to get her in to school. That isn't 'the rules' is it?

Start to treat this more like an SEN child who needs an Individual Education Plan (IEP) if they are still called that.

I think both the toy staying in the bag and you being able to take her in wokld be reasonable adjustments.

I am the only parent allow on site at school. Because they know DS wouldn’t get in otherwise, I drop him at the office and pick him up from there - it’s routine for him and he avoids the hustle and bustle.

We are lucky that as much as I hate being late I don’t need to worry about him being late into school so we can keep things much more relaxed that way - obviously much harder when you need to get to work yourself.

Is there a breakfast club on site? Using that may help give a gentler transition into school?

@steppemum

Ok, I get the Covid restrictions, but 2 members of staff having to drag her in eveyr day is not sustainable.

I think I would ask to speak to the SENCO, as you have concerns, then ask for a plan to help her get into school with less distress.

All this 'no exceptions' is bullshit, it is tick boxing. Of course they can make exceptions, they are currently making the exception of needing to touch her in order to get her in to school. That isn't 'the rules' is it?

Start to treat this more like an SEN child who needs an Individual Education Plan (IEP) if they are still called that.

School have said she doesn't qualify for a IEP/School care plan because she's not disruptive at school. They've said the only thing they can do if there's repeated lateness due to this issue is refer it to the council who they seem to think will just fine me rather than help.

They've said they're doing everything they can but because her diagnosed issues are medical and not learning/school issues they do not have to offer anymore help or make adjustments for her.

If a child is experiencing that level of distress at going to school they really aren't 'fine' during school hours, they are covering it up. Forcing into school with her anxiety levels that high will cause more issues in the long term, OP. You must work with the school and get them on side as quickly as you can. It might have to be a long-term arrangement; a few days will make no difference.
If you use FB there are two very good groups that will support and give advice. One is 'Not Fine in School' and one is 'School Refusal Support Services for Phobia, Refusal and Separation Anxiety.'
I would also recommend seeing your GP and getting on the waiting list for an ASD assessment, these type of issues and behaviours around school are extremely common in children on the autistic spectrum.

@Sirzy

I think both the toy staying in the bag and you being able to take her in wokld be reasonable adjustments.

I am the only parent allow on site at school. Because they know DS wouldn’t get in otherwise, I drop him at the office and pick him up from there - it’s routine for him and he avoids the hustle and bustle.

We are lucky that as much as I hate being late I don’t need to worry about him being late into school so we can keep things much more relaxed that way - obviously much harder when you need to get to work yourself.

Is there a breakfast club on site? Using that may help give a gentler transition into school?

There's an onsite wrap around but they're not accepting any new children into it due to covid restrictions, it's only open to those children who were signed up when the schools closed in March unless the child already had a sibling attending when they joined the school in September.

We’ve had an awful time with dd2 since half term (she’s 4 and in reception). We haven’t been able to physically get her to school as she hasn’t wanted to go, hides, runs off etc etc. She loves school once she’s in - same story really. The only thing that has saved us is the head teacher and her class teach - last week- and so far this week she’s wanting to get dressed and go to school. We had a meeting with dd last week - sat with the head and her teacher - they were amazing - talked to us about jobs she was going to be in charge of - staying with helping with the register, and they let her choose her own special monitor badge. The head has also set her little tasks every evening that she has to take in the next morning to show her. She’s also been allowed to wear a dressing up dress each day . Note, she has been gradually building us her days again, from doing literally 5 minutes last Thursday and getting longer each day. Hopefully tomorrow she will stay for lunch (which itself was a trigger at the very beginning- we are hoping it doesn’t set her back). I’ve been asked to put a special note or surprise in the lunch box and the head will be with her. The school have been amazing. If they didn’t step in and work closely with us, we would still have the same nightmare every morning.

Sorry I few typos in there - I was rushing

@Krook

If a child is experiencing that level of distress at going to school they really aren't 'fine' during school hours, they are covering it up. Forcing into school with her anxiety levels that high will cause more issues in the long term, OP. You must work with the school and get them on side as quickly as you can. It might have to be a long-term arrangement; a few days will make no difference. If you use FB there are two very good groups that will support and give advice. One is 'Not Fine in School' and one is 'School Refusal Support Services for Phobia, Refusal and Separation Anxiety.' I would also recommend seeing your GP and getting on the waiting list for an ASD assessment, these type of issues and behaviours around school are extremely common in children on the autistic spectrum.

She is literally at school apart from in the mornings. She has friends, has been to parties and on play-dates pre-covid, her classmates know her and the other parents have told me their children speak fondly of DD and say they play with her. She is literally fine from 10 minutes after I leave her there, always comes out smiling and happy.

GP will not refer her anywhere as they said she's too old for Seperation Anxiety and too young for any other kind of investigation.

School have said they have no issues with her at all once she's there other than the usual friendship fall outs and "she didn't want to play with me" whinges. They have had other teachers in the school observe her and the SENCo was in the class during year 1 for another reason and said there is nothing wrong with DD apart from this one issue.

I will try again with the toy and me dropping her at the classroom but I don't think they'll shift the approach as it's literally mornings only.

This sounds awful OP. You have my sympathy. I have similar with my DD (not as bad as it sounds for you) and I've been known to say "I know you don't want to go but there's no choice, if you don't go I'll get in trouble with the headteacher and then I might go to jail" which I know is awful but it seems to work and she accepts her fate. I'm not sure if this is helpful and probably something you've tried but could you have a chat with her about it at a calm time. Maybe just after dinner or before bed or you could go for a nice walk at the weekend together and talk about it then. Just ask her why she doesn't want to go to school in the morning when she seems to enjoy it when she's there (give lots of praise about how well she's doing when she's there) and try and find out what might make it easier for her in the mornings. Let her come up with suggestions. Good luck OP this must be so difficult.

I have heard of people drawing a small heart on child's hand and on their own, rub it if you want a hug from mum and i rub mine. Might help replace object.

Agree going early. I have heard of children being allowed to go into class early with a friend so they don't have the bell then the sudden must go right now.

Has your DD been able to vocalise why she is behaving like this? Have you been able to chat with her after school when she is calmer, and explore what is going on for her? Is there anything at school she doesn't like, or upsetting her?

@Sally872

I have heard of people drawing a small heart on child's hand and on their own, rub it if you want a hug from mum and i rub mine. Might help replace object.

Agree going early. I have heard of children being allowed to go into class early with a friend so they don't have the bell then the sudden must go right now.

Our school doesn't have a traditional bell, if the children are on the playground they ring a hand bell - the headteacher got rid of the bell when she started the job about 5 years ago because she said it was too scary for the Reception and Nursery children.

@IsolaPribby

Has your DD been able to vocalise why she is behaving like this? Have you been able to chat with her after school when she is calmer, and explore what is going on for her? Is there anything at school she doesn't like, or upsetting her?

She says she's likes school and that Jane (not real name) is her best friend and they have the same name. She really likes the food. She says she misses me and school have said she sometimes asks for me at school but she is fine if they say "mum's at work and will come pick you up later, shall we have ago at reading this worksheet?" and she gets on with it.

You also might find the therapeutic parenting group on Facebook helpful. I'm on there as an adoptive parent and I've seen a lot of posts about school refusal although my LO is not school age yet.

This sounds a lot like me as a child. In my case it was very specific things that caused me horrible anxiety - one thing I can remember is hating PE because in our small classroom everyone's stuff would get mixed up and it would be really stressful trying to get it all sorted. It sounds so stupid but to 6 year old me it was horrible - but equally, would have been quite simple for my mum and teacher to make easier for me if they'd known that was the problem. As it was I just cried every morning and tried to get out of school.

I'm sure you've already done it but is it worth spending more time (when things are calm) talking to your DD about what is specifically making her anxious or what times she feels upset? She may not immediately know but it may turn out that there's something specific you could address.

Good luck OP

If it's a financial possibility, would it be an option to hire a child minder to take your DD to school? If she's fine at school as soon as you've left, perhaps she would be fine once you've left for work, and walk to school with the child minder with less issues?

There's separation anxiety that toddlers get as part of their normal development, but older children who have experienced loss or trauma or upheaval can also have separation anxiety.