School mornings have become hell due Separation Anxiety

[SchoolMorningsAreNoFun]

DD is 6, year 2.

She absolutely loves school 9 days out of 10, has friends, plenty of party invites and playdates (pre-covid). School have said she’s a delight, there’s a bit of low level behavioural issues with the class in general (talking while the teacher is, not focusing on work, bit of silliness etc.) but nothing out of the ordinary given the situation, but in general DD is polite, hardworking, a bit over sensitive but is generally liked by the others in her class.

But she is an absolute nightmare in the mornings. She will hide things, refuse to get dressed, undress herself if I dress her – she’s damaged so much uniform in her attempts to get free of it, throws her food on the floor, will hide herself if she thinks it’ll prevent her going out the door, she also does a fake cough thing claiming she’s ever so ill and can’t go to school.

Once I get her out the door if we walk; she screams, fake coughs, cries, runs away and has been known to bite and kick me when I lift her to get her to school. If we walk I end up dragging her or carrying her most of the way. If we drive; she refuses to get in the car, when I eventually get her in she screams, fake coughs and when we get to school will try and hide in the car to stop me taking her in.

It can take 2 members of staff to get her into the school building. But within 10 minutes of me leaving is happy as anything, chatting away to the TA or her friends as if nothing happened.

School think she has an extreme form of Separation Anxiety. They’ve said she panics at the thought of leaving me so the fake coughing appears like a panic attack; her saying she can’t breathe, her not being able to control it.

I can’t go on like this though. I’ve hurt my back and shoulder lifting DD. I’ve tried everything to make the separation easier; bribery – we can do something nice after school, you can choose a toy to walk/drive to school with us. Ignoring – walking out the front door, off on the way to school etc. DD literally turns and runs back home if I walk off, and sits down at home happy as anything if I walk out the front door, letting her go to school without the things she’s hidden and her having consequences from school – she got upset at school and talked about it at home but it didn’t stop her hiding things. She will literally hide anything if it’ll get her out of going to school; shoes, socks, her water bottle, book etc one morning she completely emptied the spoons out of the drawer and hid them to avoid going as it meant she couldn’t have breakfast (I sent her in with no breakfast and rang afterwards to explain). I’ve even let her choose what she wears and takes to see if that’ll make it easier but she still hid them!

I don’t know what to do. School are being as helpful as they can but are limited in what else they can do as she’s not showing any disruptive behaviour there – they’ve explained to her that she has to come to school and she always tells them she likes school. I took her to the GP but they were pretty unhelpful said she was too old for Separation Anxiety and too young for help from other services.

She’s getting worse not better. We’re now starting to be late for school and me late for work.

I will repeat here, once she’s at school she’s fine, comes out happy as anything the majority of the time (we all have the occasional bad day I’m sure so I’m not concerned by the occasional one), eats all of her school lunch etc. It’s literally just mornings which are the problem.

For added context: In 2017 I split with DDs dad due to his violence. He sees DD but only EOW. So I’m not sure if that’s feeding into her anxiety. I have remained single. DD also has some medical issues which cause pain so that could be playing a part too but she is on regular pain medication and doesn’t seem to have problems with it at school (who are aware of the medical issues). She’s also asthmatic so worry the fake coughing might trigger an attack.

Any ideas? I can’t keep doing this too her. I worry that she’ll be like this when she starts secondary and is bigger than me and I can’t force her in.

Sorry this is way longer than I was expecting. Please move if on the wrong board.

I am not sure how the school can argue she is not 'disruptive' in school if two members of staff are sometimes needed to get her into school. There clearly is an issue and it is impacting her at school. I also don't think having a toy in her bag is an reasonable request. Have you tried talking to the senco?

So if after she says that, you were to ask her what all the fuss in the morning is about, what would she say?

Can you reason with her to some extent? Would she understand that if she doesn't go to school, you don't go to work, and that means no Xmas presents?

Is there anyone else who could pick her up and take her to school for a few days? Your mum, a friend, or even a childminder? I’m just thinking it might break the negative pattern. And we all know they behave differently for other people!
Otherwise, have you read up on female presentation of autism? Many of the diagnostic tools are based on boys, and girls present differently. Including difficulty with transitions and masking at school.

@IsolaPribby

So if after she says that, you were to ask her what all the fuss in the morning is about, what would she say?

Can you reason with her to some extent? Would she understand that if she doesn't go to school, you don't go to work, and that means no Xmas presents?

Unfortunately the no christmas presents won't work with her because she'll go to ExHs and get presents there so even if I say I can't buy any due to her being late she'll shrug and say "well dad will get me some".

I will speak to her again tonight, and see if she can verbalize how the mornings make her feel.

This sounds extremely difficult for both you and the teachers having to deal with it. I would be paying for a private consultation with a child psychologist ASAP and also arranging for an autism assessment.

School have said she doesn't qualify for a IEP/School care plan because she's not disruptive at school.

This is nonsense, she’s disruptive on the way into school and clearly distressed, an IEP is there to support the education and emotional wellbeing of children. I’m guessing from the language (IEP rather than EHCP) you might be in Scotland?

My children’s primary school have agreed the following to support my kids in school:-

• a flexible start either through breakfast club, entering by the main door rather than class doors, a slightly early start, a slightly late start
• bringing a transition object to school (stays in bag unless needed)
• a soft start in class eg time playing a board game or using sensory objects to help settle in class
• creating social stories about going to school and being apart from mum

We also have contingency plans in the form of 1:1 support, buddying etc

There’s much more the school can do, I’d write formally asking for assessment (which they’ll tell you they can’t do because of Covid but the formal request still stands), I’d also ask for them to complete a wellbeing assessment for her. She has experienced living in a violent home, which should be part of their consideration when making any assessment- trauma informed practice in some schools is woeful to say the least.

I’d also suggest she’s not fine in school if she’s that distressed going in. With respect the school staff aren’t remotely qualified to assess separation anxiety - that feels like a fob off tbh and given your history she needs more consideration than they’re giving her.

Well done on escaping a violent relationship- that in and of itself is a massive achievement and so protective of her.

@Jellycatspyjamas

School have said she doesn't qualify for a IEP/School care plan because she's not disruptive at school.

This is nonsense, she’s disruptive on the way into school and clearly distressed, an IEP is there to support the education and emotional wellbeing of children. I’m guessing from the language (IEP rather than EHCP) you might be in Scotland?

My children’s primary school have agreed the following to support my kids in school:-

• a flexible start either through breakfast club, entering by the main door rather than class doors, a slightly early start, a slightly late start
• bringing a transition object to school (stays in bag unless needed)
• a soft start in class eg time playing a board game or using sensory objects to help settle in class
• creating social stories about going to school and being apart from mum

We also have contingency plans in the form of 1:1 support, buddying etc

There’s much more the school can do, I’d write formally asking for assessment (which they’ll tell you they can’t do because of Covid but the formal request still stands), I’d also ask for them to complete a wellbeing assessment for her. She has experienced living in a violent home, which should be part of their consideration when making any assessment- trauma informed practice in some schools is woeful to say the least.

I’d also suggest she’s not fine in school if she’s that distressed going in. With respect the school staff aren’t remotely qualified to assess separation anxiety - that feels like a fob off tbh and given your history she needs more consideration than they’re giving her.

Well done on escaping a violent relationship- that in and of itself is a massive achievement and so protective of her.

No I'm in England.

School are saying they can do more when covid restrictions lift, but right now they can't do anything more than they're doing. I will ask for an assessment though and for reconsideration of the toy/me going into school with her.

@Krook

If a child is experiencing that level of distress at going to school they really aren't 'fine' during school hours, they are covering it up. Forcing into school with her anxiety levels that high will cause more issues in the long term, OP. You must work with the school and get them on side as quickly as you can. It might have to be a long-term arrangement; a few days will make no difference. If you use FB there are two very good groups that will support and give advice. One is 'Not Fine in School' and one is 'School Refusal Support Services for Phobia, Refusal and Separation Anxiety.' I would also recommend seeing your GP and getting on the waiting list for an ASD assessment, these type of issues and behaviours around school are extremely common in children on the autistic spectrum.

I saw your reply to the OP and I think that what you need to understand is that while she certainly looks and behaves 'fine' in school, she isnt.

The reason that she is so distressed in the morning is because is being triggered by going to school. School is part of this.

She is coping really well in school, and that may be because she is masking, or not, she might be able to cope fine once she is there. But the fact that she finds it so hard to get there is connected to school.

I think you need to push the school here. If she begins to school refuse, then it suddenly becomes a school issue. Tell them you want to avoid it getting to that stage.

You could quote how other schools are handling cases like this, lay out 3 or 4 options to help.

I would also go back to the GP, and see a different one, and talk about distress and anxiety in general, not seperation anxiety specifically.

But there is a massive waiting list for CAHMS. You could try and find a recommendation for a counsellor who works with kids. I know of two close to me who do play therapy and art therapy with children. They are private, so you have to pay, but they are excellent and can really help. They may be able to get to the bottom of the reason why she is so distressed.

and just to echo a pp.
Well done on escaping a violent relationship.

Some of her anxiety may well be connected to that. Getting counselling or an assessment will definitely help with that too.

Do you stay at home to work OP? If yes, I wonder if it makes it harder for her to leave knowing that you will be at home while she is there. How would she be if you both got ready for work/school together and you said you have to run to catch the train and her father/grandparent will be taking her to school? So that there is no 'at home with you' during the day available. If she sees you have left for work before her, how would she be?
Even if you work from home, I'd do that trick of getting smartly dressed, running off to a coffee shop and double-back home once you know she is at school.

@DianaT1969

Do you stay at home to work OP? If yes, I wonder if it makes it harder for her to leave knowing that you will be at home while she is there. How would she be if you both got ready for work/school together and you said you have to run to catch the train and her father/grandparent will be taking her to school? So that there is no 'at home with you' during the day available. If she sees you have left for work before her, how would she be? Even if you work from home, I'd do that trick of getting smartly dressed, running off to a coffee shop and double-back home once you know she is at school.

Yes I'm at home working. I used to go to the office once a week to see clients but not anymore. I think you might onto something there, I'm at home with all her toys and her cat while she's at school. I'll try that thank you even if I have to tell a white lie and say I'm rushing to get the bus so she needs to go to school nicely. The bus stop is backed passed my house anyway so unseen from school.

My first thought was is there anyway someone else can take her in for a while to break the cycle?

I realise its a huge ask atm due to covid, but if someone else could do the morning routine and drop her off it might help. Or if not is there anyway one of her friends might like to walk to school with her (and you). Then they can both go in together? You could alternate which parent takes them.

We had success with a small stone covered in kisses that went in a pocket and avoided the covid restrictions. Also we don't do well with play time or anything in the morning that gives too much time to think about the idea that staying at home might be more fun, especially if you are there these days. So it's very bustley at ours in the mornings, up, dressed, breakfast, teeth and put the door. Bags and lunch boxes packed the night before, bags in the car or hidden away somewhere all ready. I lift lunch boxes from the fridge right before we leave. And they have to leave everything out and ready the night before.

Have you made a social story with her about her morning routine and walk to school?

You need paper to make a “book” and be able to print off some off pictures of her morning and make a really simple story that you make together.

Start of small so the story is just getting dressed and all the lttle steps involved.

Then add in breakfast.

Then add in the walk- and take/use lots of pictures.

Then the pick up. MUMMY ALWAYS COMES BACK.

If you don’t have pictures you can draw some or use magazines etc?

It’s a good way to help conditioner her to what’s happening and will happen.

here

I can't believe your GP claims that DD is too old for separation anxiety. What utter ignorance.... from a GP! I would try to see a different GP. And your school sound spectacularly disinterested- but they don't have a good understanding of what she's going through. It's not their area of expertise. But the SENCo really should be involved.

My son was (eventually) treated by CAMHS for separation anxiety aged 10-12 triggered by his father leaving and then killing himself.
We tried lots of the helpful things others have suggested here, and some of them worked for a while but never really addressed or treated the underlying problem so the anxiety wasn't actually resolved.

CAMHS and I spent months trying to support him to face his anxiety, explaining what was happening to his mind and body whilst anxious; working on coping strategies; and gradually exposing him in stages to coming in to school.

I have terrible memories of him being dragged into school ( and so does he obviously) and I really wish i had not felt this urge to get him into school at all costs. I was so worried he would miss SATs work ( how could I have been so ridiculous) or that somehow by allowing him not to go in would be a slippery slope to him never going in. I genuinely think that stepping back from forcing, cajoling, persuading, bribing, begging etc him to go to school would have had a better outcome.

I agree with PP, this isn't usually something that goes away, if things are getting worse it needs addressing. Your daughter is not too old for separation anxiety, nor is she too young for other assessments, the NHS wait is about anythign up to about 2 years anyway.
It is very, very common for children to appear 'fine' in school but it's rarely the case and often escalates until things are very far from fine. I'm not trying to scare you OP but this is an issue that schools can brush off so easily and it can result in all sorts of quite serious issues further down the line. It's an area in which I have much more experience than I would want, sadly. Please take a look at those FB groups, they are so helpful.

One of the things that worked well for me was talking to my son about my day, the things I did while he was at school. He has a favourite cuddle toy that “looked after” me while I was at work - I took pictures of the toy sitting at my desk doing work things etc. It gave him an idea of what I was up to and reassured him that I was being taken care of too.

Another thing that helped was buying a worry monster toy, you can get a full sized one and a small key ring sized one I kept the big one with me and he took the small one in his pocket with him (so no Covid implication), again it kept a link between us while he was out of the house. I’ve also seen folk draw hearts on their wrist and a matching one on the child’s wrist - it didn’t work for us because my son couldn’t tolerate being drawn on but it might work with your daughter.

Separation anxiety can stem from worrying that mum might not be safe if the child isn’t there, or that mum might not come back. I’d also be actively finding ways to build connecting while you’re apart for any reason eg talking about checking on her while she’s sleeping (I would tell stories about checking on them and their covers being all over the place or the way they were lying etc), taking about missing them while they’re away or doing something that lets them know you held them in mind while at school.

My two are adopted so we’ve had to do lots of work to foster secure attachment and build security while apart. Any of those strategies would help your daughter feel connected to you while at school.

How is her learning coming along - it’s ok for the school to say her behaviour is fine but anxiety gets in the way of learning so if there are any issues there it might point to her not coping so well at school. The other thing to keep in mind is that children often cope with the structure of school by following instructions and meeting expectations of behaviour while masking high levels of anxiety. How is she after school time?

@Jellycatspyjamas

One of the things that worked well for me was talking to my son about my day, the things I did while he was at school. He has a favourite cuddle toy that “looked after” me while I was at work - I took pictures of the toy sitting at my desk doing work things etc. It gave him an idea of what I was up to and reassured him that I was being taken care of too.

Another thing that helped was buying a worry monster toy, you can get a full sized one and a small key ring sized one I kept the big one with me and he took the small one in his pocket with him (so no Covid implication), again it kept a link between us while he was out of the house. I’ve also seen folk draw hearts on their wrist and a matching one on the child’s wrist - it didn’t work for us because my son couldn’t tolerate being drawn on but it might work with your daughter.

Separation anxiety can stem from worrying that mum might not be safe if the child isn’t there, or that mum might not come back. I’d also be actively finding ways to build connecting while you’re apart for any reason eg talking about checking on her while she’s sleeping (I would tell stories about checking on them and their covers being all over the place or the way they were lying etc), taking about missing them while they’re away or doing something that lets them know you held them in mind while at school.

My two are adopted so we’ve had to do lots of work to foster secure attachment and build security while apart. Any of those strategies would help your daughter feel connected to you while at school.

How is her learning coming along - it’s ok for the school to say her behaviour is fine but anxiety gets in the way of learning so if there are any issues there it might point to her not coping so well at school. The other thing to keep in mind is that children often cope with the structure of school by following instructions and meeting expectations of behaviour while masking high levels of anxiety. How is she after school time?

She's absolutely fine coming out of school, she literally shows no signs of masking. She can be a bit grumpy until I feed her but then she's like me in that respect but no violence or behavioural issues bar the odd strop because I give her blackcurrant instead of orange squash.

We had a little chat on the walk home and I asked DD what it is about mornings that she finds so hard. She says she doesn't like that she can no longer see the teachers properly when she goes into school because they all wear masks and that her teacher sometimes puts her mask on when they walk round school and she's worried it's not her teacher.

I don't think there's much I can do about that other than remind her that everyone at school is there to keep her safe and they wouldn't hurt her.

@SchoolMorningsAreNoFun

We had a little chat on the walk home and I asked DD what it is about mornings that she finds so hard. She says she doesn't like that she can no longer see the teachers properly when she goes into school because they all wear masks and that her teacher sometimes puts her mask on when they walk round school and she's worried it's not her teacher.

I don't think there's much I can do about that other than remind her that everyone at school is there to keep her safe and they wouldn't hurt her.

Oh that's hard and makes sense.

Can you do some role play with masks at home? Taking them on and off, and maybe trying to guess what funny face you are pulling etc.
Try to demistify them and think about how you can tell the teacher is still the teacher?

@SchoolMorningsAreNoFun

We had a little chat on the walk home and I asked DD what it is about mornings that she finds so hard. She says she doesn't like that she can no longer see the teachers properly when she goes into school because they all wear masks and that her teacher sometimes puts her mask on when they walk round school and she's worried it's not her teacher.

I don't think there's much I can do about that other than remind her that everyone at school is there to keep her safe and they wouldn't hurt her.

Maybe talk about the features that mean she knows it’s her teacher? What do her eyes look like? Her hair? What does her voice sound like?

If her teacher is helpful then you could ask for a photo with and without mask to help.

Even have a code word they could say to prove it’s her?

Someone once described to me the difficulty with going to school as being like standing at one side of a cliff and being able to see the other side, knowing that you are perfectly safe on your own side, and knowing that you'll be perfectly safe on the other side, but dreading the jump, even though you've done the jump many times before.

That's why transition objects and little jobs for the teachers work so well. They distract from the jump. Can the TA bring something from the school to the gate and give it to your DD to carry back in? A note to bring to the head? DS's teacher used to give him something from school to look after at home that had to be brought back the next day. It gave him something to focus on so he wasn't thinking about the jump. I know with Covid this particular method is probably not an option. It's better if it's something that requires a bit of care, so a plant that needs to be carried carefully, or flowers that can't be squashed, or similar. Obviously nothing too fragile!

@Apileofballyhoo

Someone once described to me the difficulty with going to school as being like standing at one side of a cliff and being able to see the other side, knowing that you are perfectly safe on your own side, and knowing that you'll be perfectly safe on the other side, but dreading the jump, even though you've done the jump many times before.

That's why transition objects and little jobs for the teachers work so well. They distract from the jump. Can the TA bring something from the school to the gate and give it to your DD to carry back in? A note to bring to the head? DS's teacher used to give him something from school to look after at home that had to be brought back the next day. It gave him something to focus on so he wasn't thinking about the jump. I know with Covid this particular method is probably not an option. It's better if it's something that requires a bit of care, so a plant that needs to be carried carefully, or flowers that can't be squashed, or similar. Obviously nothing too fragile!

This is a brilliant description and fits exactly how dd was when we were struggling. I think it is why walking in with parent helps, it is like the parent carries you over the gap so you don't have to jump