I start a lovely new job next week BUT I’m kind of an odd weirdo, how to dial down the weirdness so that I fit in? Advice please.

[Pickypolly]

I am, I am strange. I fully acknowledge that I am a bloody pain in the arse, joyless, antisocial weirdo, I know I am...

For instance I absolutely do not at all EVER allow my photograph to be taken. Not even my own mother has any pictures of me as an adult in her house. No selfies, not included in photos, absolutely none anywhere. I am the one who offers to actually take the pictures to avoid this situation.
The new job I think, have a newsletter complete with pictures.
As my role is brand new to them, it is highly likely they will be snapping away with gay abandon.
No. Just no, but how do I do this?

I don’t hug, I’m not tactile, I am not great at small talk.

I do not participate in anything socially with work. Never have, Christmas may mean something socially being organised, I do not wish to be involved in this. Polite way of getting out of this.

I am extremely awkward, very very uncomfortable socially & my anxiety levels are through the roof.

This new job I think will be so good, I just want/need to be left alone to do it without all the other stuff that seems to go along with work places that I absolutely hate.

Any advice?

Please don’t say suck it up, I will literally be eyeing the escape door every second, with an overwhelming urge to actually run out of it in every one of these situations.

Love Dr Cox! I can relate to that fella

I work (well, I did when we weren't wfh) with an odd duck much like yourself. When she started in the office she very clearly asked what the 'rules' were such as shared coffee/tea, did we bring in treats and share them, did we play music out loud or were we ok with wearing headphones etc. She mentioned that she had dyslexia and dispraxia and likely on the spectrum somewhere and has been very clear about how she copes, such as needing to wear headphones to block out the rest of us in order to get her work done and having a special fountain pen. She makes an effort to stay for drinks with us once in a blue moon and will have one drink and then make her excuses. I know you are not on the spectrum but perhaps taking this approach will allow your co-workers to understand you.
If you are upfront and friendly about your boundaries then people will get used to you. As long as you pull your weight and do a good job I'm sure you'll get along ok.
Incidentally, we have now worked with her for a few years and she has, without fail, brought in donuts to share with the whole office every single week because on her first day our manager brought in cakes to share to celebrate her starting with us. It's very sweet.

Really really excited about the job. I know I’ll do it well and that they will quite like me when they get to know me.

I AM an odd duck!! I love that description!! Love it

If you've been in roles for 10+ years, especially senior management, then you're clearly good at your job. This goes a long way. You also sound very self aware, which is a great way to be. I'd much rather share an office space with you than some mansplaining bore, for instance!

If you reply completely on scripting and masking to "get by" you probably are autistic, you know. Your reasons why you can't be - being interested in people etc - are not things that exclude someone from being autistic. However that's by the by.

I would do a partial disclosure, along the lines of "listen, I am a bit of an odd duck, so if I turn down social engagements or seem a bit strange sometimes please know that it's not ever personal. I just need more social downtime than many people. I really love my work and am so excited to be starting here and meeting my new colleagues".

That’s good.

It is a challenge to try to fit in & to not “sound” weird .
Trying to word things so that it isn’t offensive, too blunt but most importantly is kind takes quite the planning.

Staying in a job for a long time means that folk get you, understand your ways and you build lovely working relationships with those around you.

Starting again means that the struggle begins again from scratch. That’s where I am.

That and a huge helping dose of imposter syndrome & a dithering mess I become.

Great advice & suggestions for an old duck here.

I think I’ll use that at the outset, me being an old funny duck.

But all the aspects you don't like are all part of the job. Being introduced to staff with your photo - part of the job. We all have parts of our job we don't like, or hate. Stop thinking g of them as 'optional' they're really not, they're a given rather than stated in your job description.

I'm a bit odd too , but not as bad with some things.

I avoid most social events by using lack of childcare as an excuse. The kid really does come in handy. I have attended only a couple,in places I was familiar and comfortable with. "Safe" places.

I avoid the staff room ,either by being very busy or going outside(for a fag).

I mask my antisocial git traits by always saying morning/hello/how are you first with a big smile.. then rush because I'm obvious so "busy".

I "talk" to everyone but don't actually say much and mostly just listen, then go away because I'm "busy" or need to go outside. Or I interact in the last 5 minutes before lunch end and everyone needs to go away.

Most people think I'm lovely,but very shy. It works. A lot would also say they consider me a friend, but they'd be hard pressed to confidently say what country I'm from.

The people I work really closely(very few) with and I have bonded with know I don't have a shy bone in my body but know I'm awkward and odd and antisocial. With two of them I actually bonded because of our shared traits. Sadly, they've gone to work somewhere else.

"I don’t know a single other person who is strange like me. I’ve got good at covering it all up mostly."
So there could be lots of other people who are also covering it up and thinking "I wish I could be more normal like PickyPolly, she's always smiling at people!"
Agree you have to get that photo done but the other are negotiable and not particularly unusual - I hate hugging and am not very affectionate but have lots of friends in work, they know it's just part of my personality. With the photo, could you "mask" in some way there, such as wearing glasses if you usually wear contacts or a bright top if you usually wear dark colours, or make up if you don't usually, so it doesn't really feel like you, even if you have to look at it?

Other than that, make sure you tell people whenever they ask how you're settling in that you're really enjoying it, everyone seems really nice etc. - this way the "worst" (not that it's bad) they'll think is "the new woman seems quiet but nice" rather than "that new woman is really awkward."

Honestly most people would prefer a colleague to be good at their job (which it sounds as though you are) and not particularly social, than really sociable but never getting the work done. Particularly as there's always chatty ones to balance you out anyway!

Pp has it right. The person who had the post before our "odd duck" came in was very personable and social. He was also a dosser of the highest order and would spend hours on his home computer through vpn playing football manager. We eventually hated him because he didn't pull his weight. We were so thankful when odd duck came in and did the job properly.

You'll be fine, the annoying 'come for a drink' crowd only bother the under thirties. I love a good embarrassing/cop off work drinks myself but at my age I can say no or leave early and nobody gives a toss.

The only exception might be if a beloved staff member is leaving, in which case attending at least some of their leaving do is a mark of respect. Obviously if they're a knob, don't feel obliged.

I am you.

Which is why I chose to be a HCP working nightshifts in a small unit on my own. I never see anyone, never get invited to any of the social stuff. It's bliss.

Not much help but just to let you know you aren't alone!

Just be a good actor, I did go on a lot of works nights out but can zone out and when people get very drunk they do not notice much.

Again, thank you so much for your understanding replies and wise words xx

On the going out/social side (probably not happening anyway), I explain that I find it hard to screen out background noise in order to hear people & and find it even harder if I've had a drink. People get this, and are fine to be with on a one to one basis.

Approach boss straight away and ask not to have a photo included, if not then suck it up this once- everyone finds them self in cringe situations now and again, seems like you’ve avoided it quite well but it gets us all eventually and it’s just probably your turn.

Can’t do Xmas this year due to COVID have someone at home high risk? Or another white lie along those lines.

Nothing wrong with being weird- we don’t all like people, some of us prefer to be without them I guess? I like weird people and consider myself one- it’s nice to be a little different.

If your one of those who don’t come across well just remember not to speak much past 1 sentabce- wish I would take my own advice there 😂

A good book is 'how to win friends and influence people', I mean not to win friends but just to learn those little social touches (metaphorically speaking!) that go a long way in terms of building professional relationships. As long as you are competent, approachable (if you're managing others) and fair-minded, then it's fine if you don't want the outside socialisation. I always find that bringing food to share at work will make you popular

Thanks for starting this thread OP. An interesting read, job hunting myself and been reflecting/ruminating on past work situations where I felt a square peg in a round hole. An "odd duck" sums it up nicely. Good luck in your new job and best wishes to fellow odd duckers out there

It sounds like you're good at being "normal" (horrible word!) and doing the things you need to do to fit in! However I also understand it's a big effort and you don't want to have to pretend long term to be something you're not. Could you give yourself a settling in window of say 2 weeks, in which you do everything you can to practise your sociable, smiling warmly at people, doing small talk self? That will give people a chance to get to know you, like you and trust you. Then you can start gradually being more "yourself" and being more open about your eccentricities. That way you'll be starting from a place where you're thought of as being friendly and nice, so that people will view your unique views on things with kindness and affection (rather than just thinking she's weird.)

I think the main thing is don't be too self-conscious about it.

I have a colleague (who, as it happens, I reckon is on the autism spectrum) - he's not social, never turns on his camera on zoom meetings, can be oddly blunt but we all recognise he's a nice guy. Do we laugh at some of his odd behaviour? Yes, sometimes we do, but affectionately and not sneeringly; it is who he is and we like him as he is.

Agree.
Just need to get the first 2-3 weeks out of the way and they will love me. Honestly, I am very well liked in every job I’ve done.
And my weirdness kinda gets diluted into the nice stuff about me and is barely noticeable.

Be good at acting, smile from the eyes, keep weird thoughts and comments back, no need for excuses for social stuff... got it.
It’s gonna be a blast

You sound great op.