I start a lovely new job next week BUT I’m kind of an odd weirdo, how to dial down the weirdness so that I fit in? Advice please.

[Pickypolly]

I am, I am strange. I fully acknowledge that I am a bloody pain in the arse, joyless, antisocial weirdo, I know I am...

For instance I absolutely do not at all EVER allow my photograph to be taken. Not even my own mother has any pictures of me as an adult in her house. No selfies, not included in photos, absolutely none anywhere. I am the one who offers to actually take the pictures to avoid this situation.
The new job I think, have a newsletter complete with pictures.
As my role is brand new to them, it is highly likely they will be snapping away with gay abandon.
No. Just no, but how do I do this?

I don’t hug, I’m not tactile, I am not great at small talk.

I do not participate in anything socially with work. Never have, Christmas may mean something socially being organised, I do not wish to be involved in this. Polite way of getting out of this.

I am extremely awkward, very very uncomfortable socially & my anxiety levels are through the roof.

This new job I think will be so good, I just want/need to be left alone to do it without all the other stuff that seems to go along with work places that I absolutely hate.

Any advice?

Please don’t say suck it up, I will literally be eyeing the escape door every second, with an overwhelming urge to actually run out of it in every one of these situations.

Do you have a diagnosis of autism? If so, speak to Occupational Health about reasonable adjustments, so your line manager is made aware of what you cannot cope with and should not put you in this position.

You may be less anxious than you think once you settle in and get to know people. They will figure some of this out themselves about you if your behaviours are that extreme, so hopefully will be respectful of your boundaries.

Oh blimey! Part of most jobs involves a bit of social interaction and being civilised to people, even when you don't want to be. If it swings too far the other way, then such folks often choose very solitary jobs or find they can't work at all. So you're going to HAVE to suck it up a bit. That said, you absolutely can get out of most of this. Gather every bit of niceness and jolity you have and say very firmly, oh I'm really sorry but I just don't do work nights out. Say it in a really nice way and keep repeating when necessary. Pretty much everyone dislikes having their photo taken (unless they're into endless silly selfies) so this might be the one you have to compromise on for a newsletter. Try and resist but chose which hill you're gonna die on very carefully! They must have liked you at interview though, so try not to worry too much. Most people feel like a spare part and a bit awkward at first in a new job, so you're not alone there.

Oh and ive never ever hugged in any work situation ever but that wont be on the cards anymore anyway due to covid and neither will handshaking, so forget that worry.

This night sound strange but be open about your shyness. If you are in a decent work place eople will respect that. I have literally said to colleagues "I lack confidence doing x y and z" or "I feel quite shy about this email can you help me". People I've asked have been flattered by me requesting them to help. I struggled for ages until I started doing this once, and it it has really seen me through.

The picture thing - that's not wierd, that's a preference. There's cultures that don't have their pictures taken (I have strict Muslim friends who don't). Even if you don't have the "officially stamped culture" against a preference people still need to respect it if you aren't comfortable. I'd say this applies to a lot of things like cleanliness, personal space, food choices, clothes and having your picture taken. Suggest an alternative instead - a cartoon or an image representing your role, for example a mini bar chart if you are an analyst.

Well most of these things Covid will get you out of. No one is going to be hugging you and there won’t be a Christmas party. The photo thing, obviously you are going to have to just have it done. Do you have any relaxation techniques you can use? It’ll be over in a second. As for small talk, do you actually want to get better or do you just want to find a way of avoiding it without seeming rude? Explaining your social anxiety to people might actually be the easiest way, though difficult to do it.

As long as you’re friendly and approachable I’m not sure that a lot of what you describe is that out of the ordinary. I can’t think of several I work and have worked with who don’t like having photos taken, aren’t tactile and don’t do work social events. We don’t like them any less than anyone else. I’m personally not a fan of small talk and find this a problem at eg the school gate (not so much at work as I know everyone well so have plenty of ‘real’ things to talk about) so can sympathise.

Maybe I’m just as weird as you though

That should say ‘I can think’

You can choose to allow your life to continue with it's restrictions or you can choose to do something about it.

Can you do make believe/act/copy people?

So it's not me having my photo taken, it's someone else , my daughter. Social chat you need to smile a bit, look at faces , move your head a bit, that's an old colleague of mine. You don't have to enjoy it, just get through some things

With small talk, I spend a LOT of time thinking to myself 'just say something normal'. All you have to do is return like for like. So if someone says 'Lovely weather' you say 'Beautiful!' END. People just want to exchange pleasantries as a way of oiling the wheels. Do not make weird jokes or go off on tangents like I do, because people don't know how to respond. If you feel obliged to initiate small talk (which you probably won't, it isn't necessary) my formula is to say some thing that makes it obvious how the other person should respond. Like, 'Chilly today'.

And start the smile movement from your eyes not mouth

No, I’m not autistic, I am just weird.

My biggest cover up and camouflage is smiling hugely & warmly at people. Obviously masks just waste my big smile because people can’t see them.

I am very approachable and a nice human being, I don’t see any badness in people and genuinely care and am interested in people ...but I can’t do all of the above.

If I just get the first couple of weeks out of the way, meeting, greeting, get to know them, they will get to know me and then I’ll be left alone to crack on.

I don’t know a single other person who is strange like me. I’ve got good at covering it all up mostly. At the new work place, I’ve got a lot of people to hide this all from. (About 100!)

I'm like you. I used to cine up with excuses digitally. Now I just say it's not for me, not how I like to spend time. I'd you are warm asunder carrying they'll come to realise that you don't hate them but just don't like socialising.

The picture is altogether different as it's less common. I think you're going to have to explain yourself. After reading your post and giving it some thought I think I might start to do this too.

I wouldn't be so sure you aren't with that list!
If it is not autism though, there is a fine line between rude and weird. Many jobs need a photo, even just for an ID badge and things like that, unless you have a reason beyond "I'm weird" you really will have to suck up as company policy will not take that as an excuse in all matters.

I think you need to consider speaking with someone who can help you mitigate your fears, deal with barrier you are creating.

There's two areas you touch on - inside the workplace and socialising. The later is mostly optional, nobody has to do drinks for birthdays etc but it's essential you develop a way of saying no that's polite and less aggressive than you use here, but a but if it's non work during the working day eg a team meal I really think you can learn the coping skills to manage for a limited period as it benefits team morale, not everything is about you. Other inside the workplace issues you also need to learn coping mechanisms including photos, it's a normal company thing to have photos of staff, we have them on personnel records and name badges for instance, and yes there's articles in newsletters. I'm wondering if you have an autism diagnosis? That said it doesn't give you the right to avoid essential things to do with your job, which may include workplace interactions, my dd has had years of therapy to help her cope with her autism, she really understands her condition as an adult and works on coping mechanisms for situations that trigger extreme anxiety. Best of luck but you say you want to fit in, coping mechanisms is my suggestion with or without a counsellors help

Re Christmas, you can legitimately say you already have plans that date, because you've joined late in the year this will be acceptable.

Noone hugs people at work. They might at social events but I almost never go to work social events, there will be other people who don't go so don't worry.

You may need your photo taken for the security pass or similar. You will need to just go along with that. I find it's fine if I don't look at the photo.

Yeah I have an ID badge, it’s absolutely fucking hideous and I turn it towards me so it’s not visible.

I’m never rude, never.
I do have a small talk “script” which includes simple, non prying questions about whoever I’m with.
I take interest in others, HATE talking about myself and keep myself to myself so avoid giving anything away about me.

Your colleagues, on the whole, aren’t any more interested in being your friend than you are theirs. As long as you’re friendly, polite, helpful, good at your work and a team player that’s all they’re interested in.

Plenty of my colleagues don’t take part in work socials, often using having to get home for DC or the dog as a reason. I don’t like being in photos so only have the necessary one for my security pass and intranet directory - nobody has ever thought it weird when I decline a photo. It really isn’t as unusual as you seem to think.

The photo thing will be the hardest to get out of, you might just have to accept it if they need a photo of you.
The hugging and Christmas socialising.... hello, Covid! Every pandemic has a silver lining.

For the photo, could you pre-empt it by having a recent passport or driving licence photo ready? I loathe having my photo taken and am also usually behind the camera! My passport photo is my least hated one because I had control over how I looked in it.
I don't think the office party will be an issue this year, and social stuff won't be happening for ages.

I don’t know a single other person who is strange like me. I’ve got good at covering it all up mostly

Of course you do, they're just good at covering it up too. You're not that different.

Op, you are protecting what might happen, rather than what has happened, based on what you see.

I am... or was... a very tactile person at work. I would hug everyone, until I came across a woman, who was lovely. We really got on. For whatever reason one day I just went in for the hug. Oh my gosh. The horror, she froze, then backed off. She simply explained to me, calmly, she didn't do hugs, or physical contact.
It was surprising to me, but after that, I always have her space and respected it!
People are understanding, a simple "im not comfortable with that" will be sufficient, there really is no need for "hugs" at work - I was a good deal younger than I am now, and would likely never do it now!

The photograph thing, I know you don't want to hear this, but you might have to suck that one up, you can certainly let them know, you're not comfortable and you rather not, and they might be OK with this, but part of my job was to have a photograph of me displayed, with my name and occupation so people knew who I was.
There wasn't an opt out version. You might hate it, but its part of work, unfortunately, and its not going to hurt you or scar you to have one photo for whatever reason, and then be clear you don't want photos taken unnecessarily.

As for social situations outside of work, a "no, thank you" is simple and easy enough.
"I'm busy" "not my scene" whatever.
Eventually people get the picture. I had a colleague who was liked at work, but never ever, ever came to any social stuff arranged by work. We would ask, but always the same answer. No. I understand now she had no interest in being around her colleagues outside of work. Absolutely a none issue, and on the nights out, nobody would be thinking of her anyway.
Tbh, she was wise not to come. They would just turn out to be people embarrassing thierselves, copping off with someone, or bitching. I wouldnt go now either.

....either way op, please stop getting yourself wound up before you've even started. You're worrying about things that haven't even happened yet.

Start the lovely job, being positive, happy, everything you say you are, and put your boundaries down as and when you need too.

Youre getting in your head before you even have too! You'll be great.

I'm guessing you were interviewed for the job, and obviously impressed them to be given your lovely job, so obviously, you're not that weird, awkward and terrible!

So, “thanks but it’s not for me”, is my standard scripted answer to social invites.

It’s about fading into the beige background.
Not being noticed, not being at the forefront, not being visible. Being left alone.

Address things up front. Day one say to your manager - “I know it’s unusual, but I really feel uncomfortable having my picture taken, please can I not be in any photos”. Then, follow it up with something nice - buy them a coffee, or if they mention something they’ve got on say “as soon as I’ve got my head around things I’m happy to help you with that” etc. Maybe take a box of chocolates in to share in your first couple of weeks. Put boundaries in place, but also go out of your way to establish yourself as nice and helpful - get ahead of the gossip train and establish the reputation you want to have. COVID will help you a lot with socialising etc!

@andtheHossyourodeinon

I don’t know a single other person who is strange like me. I’ve got good at covering it all up mostly

Of course you do, they're just good at covering it up too. You're not that different.

100% agree with this. You can’t come across as that weird - you’ve got the job! Plenty of other people have their weirdness, preferences and eccentricities, but successful people have often learned to mask them.