I start a lovely new job next week BUT I’m kind of an odd weirdo, how to dial down the weirdness so that I fit in? Advice please.

[Pickypolly]

I am, I am strange. I fully acknowledge that I am a bloody pain in the arse, joyless, antisocial weirdo, I know I am...

For instance I absolutely do not at all EVER allow my photograph to be taken. Not even my own mother has any pictures of me as an adult in her house. No selfies, not included in photos, absolutely none anywhere. I am the one who offers to actually take the pictures to avoid this situation.
The new job I think, have a newsletter complete with pictures.
As my role is brand new to them, it is highly likely they will be snapping away with gay abandon.
No. Just no, but how do I do this?

I don’t hug, I’m not tactile, I am not great at small talk.

I do not participate in anything socially with work. Never have, Christmas may mean something socially being organised, I do not wish to be involved in this. Polite way of getting out of this.

I am extremely awkward, very very uncomfortable socially & my anxiety levels are through the roof.

This new job I think will be so good, I just want/need to be left alone to do it without all the other stuff that seems to go along with work places that I absolutely hate.

Any advice?

Please don’t say suck it up, I will literally be eyeing the escape door every second, with an overwhelming urge to actually run out of it in every one of these situations.

Lovely insightful words of wisdom from you all, thank you so much, I really really appreciate it.
Feel so much better going forward.
Thank you all

If you're good at covering it up, OP, then maybe you do know other people who are like this too but are equally good at covering? People think I am pretty sociable but I have a huge amount of anxiety bubbling below the surface. I hate having my photo taken although for reasons of vanity mostly and I will do it rather than make a fuss.

I think a pp makes a good suggestion - that you offer a symbol or even a bitmoji character to represent you. A good rule of thumb is to present a solution rather than a problem. If you need a photo for an ID card though, you may have to take a deep breath and get it over with.

Lots of people don't socialise in any workplace and I've never known it be a problem. Maybe you'll get a bit of "oh come on" a couple of times but if you say no, they'll drop it. I would make it less of a thing by just turning them down for a specific occasion rather than saying, "I don't socialise, ever" which invites comment or questions. I found after I had a child and had to turn down a couple of invitations they dried up pretty quickly!

If feasible in your office/covid setup, offer to make tea, contribute to collections and make sure your professional communication is always polite and on point. That goes much further than hugs or nights out in easing office relationships ime.

@andtheHossyourodeinon

I don’t know a single other person who is strange like me. I’ve got good at covering it all up mostly

Of course you do, they're just good at covering it up too. You're not that different.

Just to add, totally agree with this poster, there's a million "yous" with the exact same fears, and traits.

Especially when going into a new workplace!

Everybody is play acting to some extent, especially in new and scary situations.

You, and your fears, really are not that individual, to be honest.

And also, agree with PP who have said covid will stop 99.9% of any of your issues - physical contact, social things.

Please stop worrying. Its going to be great.

I was like you, but learnt that actually it is bearable to make the effort and be sociable and do the softer skilled things that are a desirable part of the role. I am not great at it, but trying makes a difference.

It actually brings genuine benefits to me, my role and my work. It made me grow as a person to overcome this. I get paid more now too. I would be paid even more had I got it more quickly. I am still odd, but so are all my colleagues in their own way.

You are giving yourself a pass, but put the effort in over a long period of time and you will be surprised at how it benefits you.

I have another colleague who finds it harder than I do, but she had a serious illness and she was surprised at how kind everyone was, softened hugely and is now very sociable at work. The team is much stronger for it. When things have been hard this year she has put in extra effort to keep in touch and been a massive source of support. In exchange her colleagues have helped her out hugely.

If feasible in your office/covid setup, offer to make tea, contribute to collections and make sure your professional communication is always polite and on point. That goes much further than hugs or nights out in easing office relationships ime.

^ this is brilliant advice, being polite, helpful and nice at work, and trying to do some the above, will really help. Everybody loves having tea made for them! And contributing towards things you can, is always good.

Lots of great suggestions, op.

Embrace it, be yourself, polk fun at it gently. I had a colleague just like you, we loved her as much as anyone in the team. You don’t have to be the same as everyone else.

I think a photo for ID is fairly standard practice and required for security in most places.

The rest, I think you will be fine. I don't hug, I rarely take part in after work activities and I've long come to the conclusion that there are enough introverts around for it not to make me out.

I work in scientific academia, and I've had very many 'weird' colleagues over the years. The sort of people who maybe struggled socially at school, a bit of an odd ball.
In my world they have found their people; those who accept others for who they are, and respect them.

You'll will need to accept the required photoID, but for everything else just use your usual get out methods.

What sort of environment is it?

Op, what's the job and industry?

I think this is key. It probably won't matter in an NHS therapy team but it will in a corporate marketing role.

thank you everyone.

Had a little look around and found this which may be of interest;

play.google.com/store/apps/details?id=com.simplehabit.simplehabitapp&hl=en&gl=US

Feeling weird or odd / different to others can often be associated with social anxiety disorder

NHS clinical but not patient facing for 95% of the time.
I deal with staff mostly, senior role. On a professional level, I’m fine, socially I am not.

But yes, mask, camouflage and play a role.

Probably social anxiety but more likely just antisocial introvert.

There’s a very small, very carefully chosen group of friends who I have had 20 years plus. These people are my social circle.
We don’t drink alcohol, we love cheep & cheerful food, we enjoy chat, home by 9!
Bloody love it.
Boring to others, but love it for us.

You just sound insecure really.

Ever had counseling?

Unless you do a job where you have no social interaction then you're going to have to suck some of this up.

The issue with having your photograph is odd. At the end of the day you need to have this done. So you are going to have to coach yourself through this. It will literally take two minutes. Stand there, controlled breathing, try to smile and don't say anything odd. No one particularly likes their ID photo but it's something we all have to do.

You don't have to share the ins and outs of your life. I don't think people actually care that much anyway. However, it helps if you are polite and are able to talk about the weather.

Ever considered a change of career?!

Got my ID badge as that’s a given.

My funny ways will go with me wherever I go so a change in career at my age is an absolute no.

Thanks again everyone

I’m just like you OP and I actually think you’re very lucky to get a job. My experience has been that I always get sussed out at interview stage. Then they decline to employ me and give reasons like I’m weird, awkward, don’t create rapport, don’t smile enough. They always express their disappointment because I have excellent qualifications and I’m clearly capable with an excellent portfolio, but they just don’t want to hire someone who “won’t fit the team”.

I don’t really understand why it’s not enough to work hard and do an amazing job? Apparently you also have to be a social butterfly. I remember employers telling me about all the extra curricular activities they have, Friday night drinks etc, and I was just thinking “but I want to go home when I’ve finished work”. Now I’m older it actually seems really discriminatory towards anyone with kids or other commitments that would preclude them from swanning around socialising outside of work hours.

My funny ways will go with me wherever I go...

Why ask for advice then?!

puce I’ve been this way in every job I’ve had. I don’t change job a lot, think 10 years plus each job. Only for promotion or change of scenery or due to being bullied out. (With the shorter duration jobs).

Interviews are torture to me. That said, I’m very friendly and very good at my job. You can switch on warmth and friendliness.

Changing career is not good advice. That’s why.

I try to switch on warmth and friendliness but even when I’m making a huge effort I still get told I’m antisocial and awkward. God knows what they’d think if I didn’t make an effort! If you’ve been hired then they’re obviously willing to accept you as you’ve presented yourself.

You're not weird. It's your choice. My husband is like this as a religious choice - he doesn't ever take photos either and he would find it weird hugging people at work. So would I! They are colleagues not friends.
Just politely decline and stand your ground. We don't have to be like everyone else.

You sound pretty much just like me!

Smiley is good (make sure it is from your eyes not just your mouth).

I act. All the time, every day. And I have a very understanding manager who really gets me, and trusts me.

I do have Asperger's, and autism in girls/women presents very differently from in boys

Congratulations on your new job though- I hope you really enjoy it

i have a colleague who bluntly says "Why would I want to do that?" whenever we suggest a social occasion. In a cheerful tone of "Have you not figured out what a diehard introvert I am by now?"

OP's challenge is that clinical NHS jobs are caring roles, and most of the people who work in such roles are very nice and very sociable. Just make clear your boundaries, fall over backwards to help them professionally, & nobody will mind the quirks. They will have heaps of tolerance that goes with working in people person jobs.

ps: my fave character on Scrubs is Dr. Cox. You might enjoy him too, OP.