If you found a universal translator which meant you could talk to your pet..

[TW2013]

.. What would you say?

I would tell my cat that the big rectangular opening at the back of the house (otherwise known as a door) which she always uses to exit the house works perfectly well both ways and there is absolutely no reason for her to walk out of the back, around to the front door and sit crying to be let in making the neighbours think that she has been abandoned. She certainly doesn't need to do this numerous times a day.

My dog was born deaf so I would tell her what her name is and that she's a good girl, and I love her.

SweetPetrichor I think your pets are strangely cute! How can you tell they are a bit dim?

I would ask my girl about her life before me and if she is happy.

I would ask one of mine why he licks the knobs on the Xbox controller
And another why he likes licking cellophane.

I would like to tell them how much we love them

I would tell my stripey cat to please eat slowly so he doesn't hurl his meals back up! And I would ask him what on earth is going on in his brain when he gets the post-breakfast zoomies and starts sprinting everywhere and emitting those banshee-worthy howls??

I would ask my tuxedo cat why he likes being booped on the nose, and why fancy toys rarely grab his interest, but sticks? Omg sticks! Wtf is so exciting about a plain old stick?? (And what's his favourite kind so I can go buy a lifetime supply!)

I would tell my beautiful girl that she doesn't need to be scared anymore. She's a rescue who has had a traumatic past and while she has come along so far she is still so quick to run away and cower. Darling dog, I moved my feet off the sofa because I have cramp, you don't need to run away and hide under the table!

there is absolutely no reason for her to walk out of the back, around to the front door and sit crying to be let in making the neighbours think that she has been abandoned. She certainly doesn't need to do this numerous times a day.
My plausible little fucker has trained the neighbour to knock on my door when he is sitting out there being Cruelly Neglected like that
What would I say to him? Something like 'and when you achieve your lifetime's ambition of destroying the staircase, what then? For you to have under-cat heating, I need to get to my bed, dumkopf.' Also, 'sweet of you and all that and one hates to be ungrateful, but I have no use for dead mice. They just make me sad'.

I would ask my Labrador why he is so dramatic. I had to give him pain tablets once when our other dog jumped on him and hurt his leg. Now he will not take anything tablet related from any of us, and we have to hide any tablets inside food. (which he finds every time) So I bought some vitamin tablets just in case we need to give him a tablet ever again, and the ridiculous performance of trying to get a BEEF FLAVOURED dog vitamin tablet in him, is quite ridiculous. We are getting there though, if we give one to our other dog first, he MAY contemplate sniffing it until its just about disintegrated, or if his dog sister tries to eat his tablet. But he cant just have it without a full on performance. I should add that the original tablet was also food flavoured, and he is quite a fan of any food.

I would also like to ask him why his clock has changed by 30 mins. He can no longer wait that extra 30 mins for dinner, so will be even more dramatic for 30 mins until he gets fed.

He is a funny dog though and I really wish I could speak to him.

I would tell mine I love them -but please stop eating every plastic container left on the side.

@Fluffycloudland77 ❤️

Stop barking when I'm trying to speak to my Dad on the phone. It's not all about you, you know ok maybe it is

I'd love to know what dogs think, they must despair of us humans.

I would just want to know how they perceive me. Do they see me as an oversized, peculiar-looking cat?

First thing I'd do is tell them how much I love them.

Then I'd ask the older one why she still runs away from me at times like I am an axe murderer.

I would ask our eldest lady cat if she understands just how much she terrified us when she was so poorly last year and also if she knows how much money if cost to put her right!!

I would ask baby cat why she is so scared of anything and tell her that when I pop her on my knee I just want to make her feel safe and loved and I'm not going to eat her!!

Pics attached obviously

I would tell her that trimming her nails isn't an attempt to murder her and that I'd leave her out in the garden alone if she promised not to run off

Similar to you OP, would ask my cats if they know the cat flap works both ways. Both are happy to go out that way but prefer to sit at the back door looking sad when they want to come in. Little cat will yowl (can't hear her because of sturdy double glazing but can see her mouth opening and closing!), but big cat just looks very, very sad.

I (and they) know the cat flap definitely works coming in as they will use it when carrying dead animals that wouldn't be allowed in at the back door.

I would tell our psychotic tortoiseshell that she knows exactly where her food is and I really don't need her to hiss at me and bite my foot every time she needs to go back to it; that we actually love her so she needs to stop the three year long attitude of glaring at me for minutes on end, that it would be really lovely if she would let me stroke her for more than ten seconds and that dead mice do not belong on beds at 3AM

@allthewaterinthetap

SweetPetrichor I think your pets are strangely cute! How can you tell they are a bit dim?

I would ask my girl about her life before me and if she is happy.

@allthewaterinthetap I know they are lacking in common sense cause:

1. They try to eat the water when I’m filling up the water dish
2. Most of them are scared of certain food sources or don’t even realise they are food (see the photo on my first post...Solveig my Brachypelma albiceps has a wax worm on her head and just sat there oblivious!)
3. One of my mature male tarantulas kept two ‘meals’ as pets without me realising...I gave him 2 pachnoda grubs and a few months later I found 2 sun beetles which had grown from the grubs and where now sharing his enclosure!

I'd ask him why he needs to interrupt all my work meetings. And I'd ask him if he's really hungry because sometime he's just fibbing.

About their past (rescue) and that ds is truly desperate to bond, wants and needs him as a best friend.

I'd ask ddog why she keeps chewing her tail
To stop hogging the bed
What her favourite walk is
What's her beef with the next door neighbours dog
That I love her lots
What's her favourite toy. She has far too many but it's hard to figure out which ones she likes the most

Oh and also which flavour dog food she liked best

I’d also ask my dog why she like to lick the sofa every night?

My cats should be told that they need to go on a diet. Fatty fluffbrains.

Of course they won't give a toss about this advice.

Typical cats.

It’s their winter coats, it makes them look porky. Ours looked like an over stuffed teddy bear all winter.