If you found a universal translator which meant you could talk to your pet..

[TW2013]

.. What would you say?

I would tell my cat that the big rectangular opening at the back of the house (otherwise known as a door) which she always uses to exit the house works perfectly well both ways and there is absolutely no reason for her to walk out of the back, around to the front door and sit crying to be let in making the neighbours think that she has been abandoned. She certainly doesn't need to do this numerous times a day.

I would ask mine what it was like living in a house with 35 cats. And I'd tell him it hurts my feelings that he only sleeps on my bed with me when the central hearing/wood burner has stopped providing alternative heat sources. And not to climb trees. Just because you can get up there doesn't mean you can get down. And how much I love him.

I'd love to know if he is actually saying"hello hello" when he chirrups at me when he's run upstairs to find me. And why do I have to go to bed at 10pm prompt?

I would ask DDog if he actually wants to go out for a walk or if he’s just being a pain before I put my waterproofs on for the umpteenth time only to turn round at the end of the path,

I would tell him if came back when i called his name then he would get much more time off the lead playing with other dogs.. 😂

I’d ask each and everyone one of them what their favourite type of bug was, so I could buy what they wanted to eat. I’d ask why they love dumping dirt and food leftovers in their water dish. And finally, I’d ask a few of them whether they have any brain inside that carapace.

I would ask ddog1 whether he really is Winston Churchill reincarnated as he looks like him and has the attitude.
I'd ask ddog2 if he acts a bit simple or really is scared of the hoover the broom, the hairdryer, the mowr, the sheep, the odd bag left in hall etc
And dog 3...well she and I understand each other... I'd ask her is she realises she is a spoilt youngest dog...?

I would, of course, tell him just how much we love him, and also that his old owners still love him very very much as well and didn't want to give him up. I would try to explain to him that there's no need to go into a full-on barking frenzy at every tiny little noise in the street, and that if he must mark the occasion of the guy five doors up shutting his car door, a single wuff would do. Also that the 4am Bonio habit has to go - it was a limited-time offer when the clocks went back last year and is really not sustainable in the long term.

I’d tell my dog that she doesn’t need to take up the whole bed when we are sleeping.

That she isn’t really hungry when I’m eating, especially when she has just had her breakfast.

I'd ask my corn snake if she could give me a bit more warning when she wants to do a plop so that I can hold her cloaca over the toilet. As opposed to it going all down my sleeve. And I would tell my python that I need my glasses to see, so I would appreciate it if he didn't keep knocking them off my face with his over-enthusiastic nuzzles.

I'd love to know more about DDog's early life - his history before he was 12 months ish is very murky.

And then we'd be having a very serious conversation about the importance of consent, and that neither my arms nor legs have ever consented to his sexual advances.

Sounds like some lovely pets out there, but also a few like mine who seem to deliberately misunderstand us just to frustrate their human slaves.

I would tell my other cat that I am not running a hotel and he needs to return on time because I don't appreciate waiting up to let him in.

I'd like to know why there is no acceptable place to sit other than on my face

I’d ask DCat why he doesn’t like his food anymore. I’d also ask him what happened to him before he came to us. But I think I’d cry when he told me. CP wouldn’t tell me, very dark times apparently. Poor poppet was terribly abused.

@thenewaveragebear1983

Well of course I would tell her she's so pretty (yes she is) and ask her where she got all that lovely fur from

Pretty much what I say to her every other day of her life

Would you ask her if she fancies a little holiday with Aunty Witches.

I feel it's only fair to warn you, she may not be returned!!

I’d love to talk to my horse about her arthritis and where it hurts/how bad.

I would explain to the budgie that my mum has that the curtain is not a budgie litter tray and that muggins here I don't appreciate going round to remove the mess because if I don't DM will be up on a stool trying to do it herself

@SweetPetrichor I'm sure you love your pets but for the love of god you nearly gave me heart failure, I don't have my glasses on and so clicked in your picture for a better view as I couldn't see what your cats had done. 🤨🤬🙄😁

I’d want to know from them both what’s with the staring. You’ve had a walk, food, drink, a play, fuss, what else do you want?

I’d like to discuss his insecurities with DDog2 and reassure him that he doesn’t need to bark every time we have visitors and every time they get up to leave. And that I will never abandon him.

Finally I would like to thank Ddog1 for being an amazing, gentle, kind brilliant, perfect boy but remind him that no matter how hard he scratches at the carpet it will never get any softer and he should use his bed.

I'd ask DfatCat where she lived before. We adopted her from a cat rescue place aged around 8. She is a lovely cat, friendly, cuddly and a real homebody. I often wonder if she belonged to someone who passed away as there's no way she could be abandoned.

To our elderly cat:

• Why have you started howling at 4am after sleeping all day?
• Why do you love DH so much?
• Are you achy and sore anywhere? We’d like to help.
• Please stop getting in the way when I’m trying to put food in your bowl.
• We can’t make the rain stop or make it warmer outside!
• Thank you for being so understanding about the small human. It’s nice that you want to spend time with her now that she’s older and doesn’t cry/ tantrum/ try to grab you. You were very patient.
• We love you very much, even with your demanding ways.

I'd explain to Fatcat that no she isn't starving and we love her yes we do. I'd ask Blanket if she's okay and explain to her where her bestie MrW went.

@vipersinc haha, sorry! I do adore them. They are lovable, rather stupid, and mostly scared of their own shadows. They get a terrible reputation because the fear of arachnids is fed from one person to another - I used to be terrified of spiders- but they are really good pets and fascinating to get to know.

[quote SweetPetrichor]@vipersinc haha, sorry! I do adore them. They are lovable, rather stupid, and mostly scared of their own shadows. They get a terrible reputation because the fear of arachnids is fed from one person to another - I used to be terrified of spiders- but they are really good pets and fascinating to get to know.[/quote]
I'll take your word for it. I have held one once but never, ever again.

Id like to tell my horse not to roll, because he finds it hard to get up.

I’d like to explain to my dog that other dogs are usually fine so he can relax around them.

I would ask the cat why he needs me to watch him poo.

I'd like to know about is life before I got him from rescue place, he also had a broken leg at the time, so would like to know about that too.
I'd wouldn't mind knowing what actual brand of cat food he wants me to buy for him, changes by the week.