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Original poster

Do your parents like your child (ren)?

75 replies

messy123 · 03/11/2020 21:32

Just that really. My parents have DD for the day on a Tuesday as I work and for a few hours on a Friday every other week. I was half an hour late home tonight and my parents both made it clear that they found DD hard work and said not in so many words that they didn't want to have her anymore. DD is highly spirited, headstrong and energetic ... but there's nothing wrong with her at all! I'm very biased but she's an amazing little girl (she's 3 next month by the way). Clever and bright with a sweet nature. My mum says me and my brother were nothing like her and she is hard to control. She definitely has her moments but can be reasoned with.

On the other hand, my MIL has her regularly and adores her, said she is like her kids were when they were young (she must take after her Dad!).

I'm not sure why but my parents seem to be the only people I can think of who don't like spending time with their grandchild. I can tell they genuine don't enjoy it and look forward to her leaving. I don't think they like her. Their neighbours have their grandchildren 5 days a week (which I do think is a lot) and my mum is always saying it's not normal and they need to get a life ☹️ They are definitely of the mindset of 'we've brought out kids up, that's it'. Thinking about it, when I was a teenager my dad always told me not to have kids (as he didn't want to look after them). He's said in not so many words he didn't want children himself. My mum is from down south and moved to the other end of the country to be with my dad and didn't have any help with her two children.
When you're young you accept how your parents are to be normal but I'm not sure it is. They are 61 and 71 by the way so although old they are not ancient and are reasonably fit.

Is this normal and what would you do next?

Sorry that was much longer than I intended.

OP posts:
Quarantiming · 03/11/2020 21:42

No, so I never leave them alone with them. You need to find alternative childcare, for the Tuesday at least.

FortunesFave · 03/11/2020 21:47

highly spirited, headstrong and energetic ... but there's nothing wrong with her at all

So...to you, your child is a delight but to others she's quite possibly hard work in the extreme.

I never left my DC with my Mum...she didn't want to and I respected that. My SIL leaves her DS twice a week with MIL and he is a nightmare. MIL is 73 and panders to him because it's easier that way for her and he's turning out to be terribly spoiled.

It's better to let them spend normal, social time with her and not be responsible.

Quarantiming · 03/11/2020 21:54

No, my parents don't like my children so I never leave them alone with them. You need to find alternative childcare. At least for the .Tuesday.

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Tootyfilou · 03/11/2020 22:15

Sorry OP that must be very hard. I was very lucky and had support from both my parents. They utterly adored my children ( still do). My children have an amazing relationship with them and love them very much, so it works both ways.

Original poster
messy123 · 03/11/2020 22:29

@fortunesfave thanks for your viewpoint. I think you're right about needing to find alternative childcare.

OP posts:
Wowcherarestalkingme · 03/11/2020 22:36

It’s easy to forget how tiring children can be. My parents adore my boys (to the point of getting upset if they haven’t seen them in a few days). But they can’t do more than one full day of looking after them (4 and 1) as they find it exhausting.
In your situation though, I’d agree with PP and look for alternative care. The last thing you want is your DD picking up any bad vibes

Wowcherarestalkingme · 03/11/2020 22:43

It’s easy to forget how tiring children can be. My parents adore my boys (to the point of getting upset if they haven’t seen them in a few days). But they can’t do more than one full day of looking after them (4 and 1) as they find it exhausting.
In your situation though, I’d agree with PP and look for alternative care. The last thing you want is your DD picking up any bad vibes

Wowcherarestalkingme · 03/11/2020 22:44

It’s easy to forget how tiring children can be. My parents adore my boys (to the point of getting upset if they haven’t seen them in a few days). But they can’t do more than one full day of looking after them (4 and 1) as they find it exhausting.
In your situation though, I’d agree with PP and look for alternative care. The last thing you want is your DD picking up any bad vibes

RubyFakeLips · 03/11/2020 22:52

Interesting as don't know if I ever considered this. For my family which is close and involved its an irrelevant question!

Its a different dynamic as a grandparent to being a parent. You love them but you also aren't getting that high and low. Knowing you give them back changes things.

That being said I don't think it is particularly unusual for parents to go through times of finding their own children's phases hard work and unappealing. Your mum might be really good with your DD when she's older or some are better in the baby phase. If your DD is a handful it might actually be physically difficult and draining for your mum, find other childcare and let your mum have fun with her for shorter periods.

Worldwide2 · 03/11/2020 23:08

Some grandparents don't want such an active roll in their grandchildrens lives and I totally get it. They obviously must love your dd but I think they would enjoy her without having to parent her. So you pop in with her and not leaving so they can leave the 'looking after' to you.
I agree with pp try to sort out alternative child care arrangements.

Notcontent · 03/11/2020 23:26

I find that quite odd, as my parents adore my dd, even though she has gone through periods of being quite difficult - they love her unconditionally in the same way I do. But some people have different experiences of what a relationship between children and their parents or grandparents should be, and this shapes their own attitudes and behaviour.

Anordinarymum · 03/11/2020 23:33

Your parents don't dislike your daughter - they find her extremely hard work. There is a difference. It's no good them looking after her because nobody is having a nice time.
Find someone else to do it but don't stop seeing them for visits.

For what it's worth - my mother disliked my children full stop. It was nothing to do with how they behaved. It was because they were my children.

I adore my grandchildren but the two year old is hard work at times. I look after him willingly and find he is easier to handle when his mother is not here :)

JamieFrasersSwingingKilt · 03/11/2020 23:34

My parents love my nephews but don't like them very much. My DS and my BIL describe them as spirited too. In practice they're a bloody handful, lack discipline and aren't much fun to be around.

I don't like badly behaved children either but have more energy than my patents to care for them. I also completely respect my patents not wanting to parent their grandchildren. They've raised their kids (my DS and me) and really should be enjoying their time unencumbered. I'd never ask them to commit a day a week to regular childcare. It should be a treat, a joy, not hard work.

I realise I sound a little belligerent. That's not my intention but I must admit I'm always wary of people saying their kids are spirited. It's such a euphemism for badly behaved.

shivermetimbers77 · 03/11/2020 23:37

My parents have never looked after my DS6: we have been to stay with them but they have never had him to stay without me there. I am not sure if it is because they find him hard work (he is lovely but very full on), or for some other reason, but I have just had to accept it. I do feel envious of these families with doting grandparents.

Happygogoat · 03/11/2020 23:39

One persons "spirited" is another persons pain in the ass.

Maybe they just don't know how to handle her in the same way as you and MIL seem to and it makes for a hard time. Have you seen them manage to reason with her or manage the more spirited 3 year old moments?

Being a grandparent is different to being a parent and maybe they're only up for peripheral time with you there to do the hard bits. Especially if they aren't natural small children lovers!

I'm sure they love her but don't want the hard work. I'd find alternative childcare :)

Anordinarymum · 03/11/2020 23:41

And also.. some grandparents are just not cut out for it.

saraclara · 03/11/2020 23:43

DD is highly spirited, headstrong and energetic .

Other people have beaten me to it. Headstrong in particular, is usually a euphemism for being disobedient, oppositional and very hard work. Your parents probably just find her exhausting.

fastandthecurious · 04/11/2020 00:27

My mum would have DS every day of the week if she could, as would my dad. But both of them love kids and both work with children in different capacities in their jobs.
MIL doesn't have DS on her own. It's not that she doesn't like him more that she doesn't show enough of an interest in doing so, she likes to see him and spend time with him but doesn't want any childcare responsibilities and that's up to her.

TravelDreamLife · 04/11/2020 00:42

My parents don't dislike my children. But they don't want to do childcare. My mother admitted to me she only had kids because it was 'expected'. Tbh my kids get much, much more attention from both my parents than we ever did. They're constantly hugging them and saying I love you. I've never gotten either of those, even once.

My IL's used to take them whenever offered. However, the kids are now 4 & 8, one is ASD and together they're exhausting. FIL can't stand the noise so no more help there.

It doesn't mean they don't like the kids personality. They adore them. They just don't want to do the drudge work associated with kids.

grassisjeweled · 04/11/2020 01:30

I'd be surprised if they didn't find her hard work tbh, all 3 year olds are hard work!

lyralalala · 04/11/2020 02:05

They've not said they don't like her, they've said they find her hard work. At 71 if it's been a long time since they had a 2 year old all day then it's totally understandable they'd find it difficult.

I see a massive difference between my MIL and a lot of the parents of my friends and I think it's partly because MIL was a CM. She's not had a gap of 10/20+ years since she dealt with a toddler or young child. It's not that they are old, it's more that they're out of the habit of the absolute relentlessness of a whole day with a child of that age.

GroundAlmonds · 04/11/2020 02:17

My mum started talking about my nephew like this a few years ago, even though he was a toddler and lived at the other end of the country meaning she saw him very rarely. She was openly comparing him negatively to my son, (who was a fair bit older and so she had had more than a decade to blur her memories). Then she started playing favourites between my son and my daughter (my son being the favourite again). This was when I started reducing contact dramatically. It is so unhealthy for all the DC involved if they pick up on favouritism.

The only thing i could ever think of to account for it was that DS is blond and DN & DD are both brunette. Similarly DSis (blonde) was blatant favourite when we were DC. (I am brunette.) Ridiculous but my mother is very childish and she did always openly fetishise my sister’s hair. I think the constant mythologising has really crushed DSis. There is also a clear pattern in my maternal family that they are all harsh to their DC but adoring of selected DGC. Nowt as queer as folk. 🤷🏽‍♀️

choli · 04/11/2020 02:21

I must admit I'm always wary of people saying their kids are spirited. It's such a euphemism for badly behaved.
Spot on.

housemdwaswrong · 04/11/2020 02:23

Why the sad face about your parent's opinions about their neighbours? I think they're right. It's not normal for grandparents to have their grandkids 5 days a week. My mother has been and is, an amazing mother to me but has said from the off she's done her bit and had no intention of babysitting regularly. And why the hell should she? She's worked all her life, time to enjoy now. Nature gets it right, and there's a reason why we don't have kids in our 60s. It's hard work.

I bet she loves her, hugely. But maybe past the stage when she can cope with the taking care of.

I'd say perfectly normal for some people, and obviously your parents fall into this category. What I'd do next is talk to them. They obviously want to help you out but are struggling. I bet they'd be glad to talk.

hannahlouise20 · 04/11/2020 02:27

I think when we have our children we are used their energy and have adapted to it so we don't see how much hard work they are, I live with my mother and she don't even watch my girl for 5 minutes because she just can't handle her (mums 39 and LO is 2) she's so hyper aswell and a devil at times! So I understand why but my mum don't tell me she don't want to ever watch her again I think they where a bit OTT with saying them things to you especially when you where a child.

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