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Original poster

Do your parents like your child (ren)?

75 replies

messy123 · 03/11/2020 21:32

Just that really. My parents have DD for the day on a Tuesday as I work and for a few hours on a Friday every other week. I was half an hour late home tonight and my parents both made it clear that they found DD hard work and said not in so many words that they didn't want to have her anymore. DD is highly spirited, headstrong and energetic ... but there's nothing wrong with her at all! I'm very biased but she's an amazing little girl (she's 3 next month by the way). Clever and bright with a sweet nature. My mum says me and my brother were nothing like her and she is hard to control. She definitely has her moments but can be reasoned with.

On the other hand, my MIL has her regularly and adores her, said she is like her kids were when they were young (she must take after her Dad!).

I'm not sure why but my parents seem to be the only people I can think of who don't like spending time with their grandchild. I can tell they genuine don't enjoy it and look forward to her leaving. I don't think they like her. Their neighbours have their grandchildren 5 days a week (which I do think is a lot) and my mum is always saying it's not normal and they need to get a life ☹️ They are definitely of the mindset of 'we've brought out kids up, that's it'. Thinking about it, when I was a teenager my dad always told me not to have kids (as he didn't want to look after them). He's said in not so many words he didn't want children himself. My mum is from down south and moved to the other end of the country to be with my dad and didn't have any help with her two children.
When you're young you accept how your parents are to be normal but I'm not sure it is. They are 61 and 71 by the way so although old they are not ancient and are reasonably fit.

Is this normal and what would you do next?

Sorry that was much longer than I intended.

OP posts:
FlyNow · 04/11/2020 02:33

Yep, take the childcare out of it. My parents do like my dc but they don't like taking care of them alone as it's exhausting for them. That's fair enough.

Hels20 · 04/11/2020 05:27

I agree with Pp. I don’t think this is about liking or disliking. It’s more about the fact they find your daughter exhausting. Children ARE exhausting - and to leave for a full day and a half - that’s a lot. I wouldn’t employ a 61 year old or 71 year old nanny. You are getting free childcare - they may be starting to resent it and it does tie a grandparent down. I wouldn’t want that sort of commitment when I am older - I want to be able to do ad hoc holidays, see friends. I would hope that I would be able to look after grandkids from time to time - but wouldn’t want a consistent commitment. And I would hope that I wouldn’t be exhausted.

Don’t take it to heart - but do find alternative childcare. Spirited children are lovely - but a whole day with no respite? Even I would that tiring in my mid 40s (and I do - that’s why with my spirited child I split care a bit at the weekend).

PineappleUpsideDownCake · 04/11/2020 05:34

Im in mg 40s but have low energy and wouldn't manage someone else's small child for a day.

Id take childcare out of it (for a whole day! Every week!?) Visit them for fun, go to the park together, vind that way rather than their relationship with their grandchild becoming a chore.

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Families
PineappleUpsideDownCake · 04/11/2020 05:35

Snap Hels20!

Caeruleanblue · 04/11/2020 06:02

If you only see Dc once a week it's harder to discipline imv, what are the rules getting them to nap when they need to, eating lunch they don't want. I shouted at my own DC when they were playing up , I knew the best distractions, I had bribes/ threats if needed. DGPs are running blind - it's harder.
And 2/3 year olds are heavy to pick up, if you haven't been doing it from birth like the DM. So that's very tiring. They walk at a snails pace so it's cold out of doors.
Is DGF doing little and DGM tired (too tired to pander to DGF's attention seeking) - that might be the situation .

Magicbabywaves · 04/11/2020 06:10

It’s probably the age of your child that’s the issue. I sympathise though, my mother isn’t remotely interested in doing anything with my children beyond taking a photo and sticking the TV on for them, despite having plenty of support from her parents. The thing is, this is the age to lay the foundations of a relationship with a child. My children prefer MIL as she actually bothers with them.

ChristmasinJune · 04/11/2020 06:20

My parents do like my ds and fortunately he's relatively easy to have around BUT they've never had any real interest in looking after him. It stings a bit sometimes as they used to have my sister's kids one day a week and take them away on holiday but they've had ds to stay overnight once in his life and he's 8. They don't mind collecting him from school and giving him his tea so they'll do that once a term. It's something I've had to make peace with because at the end of the day grandparents aren't obliged to act as free childcare if they feel that part of their life is over.

PopsicleHustler · 04/11/2020 06:33

Clearly not.

But they have issues and I have no contact with them due to the fact they have both given me lots if problems throughout my childhood. And after giving them a million chances they still do things to hurt me and my family.
They could still call to check In on the children even though they hate me but they dont. Its their loss. I've tried. But my kids come first. I'm pregnant now and my mother knows through my sister and my granny, but hasn't called to congratulate me.
I wish I had nice parents. And had a good childhood. Thats why I am doing my best to make sure my children have what I didnt. Stability and love and care. Not alcohol, neglect and fights.

Ynwa12345 · 04/11/2020 06:40

My parents like my kids I'm sure they like one more than the other but I couldn't leave them with them for a full day even now and they're 7 and 4. It is hard work and my mum used to always complain that she'd bought up neice and nephew and she was much younger then etc. In laws also used t on have 1 or other not both. They're all in their 70s. I think you should find a childminder etc for the Tuesday and just go round when you are there too. X

Toontown · 04/11/2020 06:47

Your parents can love them but not want to look after them every week. Why should they? My parents have my kids one weekend a year. They love them but they are my kids and they are grandparents not free childcare. My kids are all "headstrong" (which means hardwork and disobedient).

honeybake · 04/11/2020 06:49

Snap! My parents, who live only 10 mins away from us, have used lockdown etc as a perfect opportunity NOT to see the kids. I had to pretty much tell them they needed to come say happy birthday to DS the other day; on the other hand, my PIL won’t keep away from the kids and find everything that they do amazing, fascinating etc and completely dote on them. 🤷🏼‍♀️

Toontown · 04/11/2020 06:55

It's very different being a loving grandparent than being free childcare.

WitchOfTheWest · 04/11/2020 07:01

My parents didn't like my sisters kids. Both were aggressive as small kids and would punch and slap my mother. My mother and sister were also aggressive though and my mother physically abusive to myself and siblings and nephew as kids.

My nephew grew out of it early teens and turned into a lovely young man. My Niece on the other hand is still violent as a mid teen.

Due to the way my mother treated my nephew (she went for him one day and he ended up with a head injury that required A&E so wasn't as bad with my niece) I never left my kids alone with her so she never really got the chance to get to know my 3. Ive been NC with her and sister for a few years now.

PineappleUpsideDownCake · 04/11/2020 07:06

((((Popsicle)))) congratulations on your pregnancy. Similar story here and I'm struggling with feeling v alone for each stage of childhood and wanting to share their achievements with someone!
As my kids get older at each stage I'm realising just how bad my childhood was and struggling a bit with the trauma.

Dontforgetyourbrolly · 04/11/2020 07:13

My niece was like this at that age I love her to death but I didnt offer childcare and would never have agreed to an ongoing arrangement. She's lovely now and no trouble at all , but relatives do not have that unconditional love that parents do and have the choice to say no to childcare .

notacooldad · 04/11/2020 07:16

highly spirited, headstrong and energetic ... but there's nothing wrong with her at all
I haven't got grandchildren yet but honestly that sounds too much for me on a regular basis. It sounds very tiring.

drspouse · 04/11/2020 07:19

My DM likes my DD but thinks she's still a baby (she's 6) and thinks the best way to amuse get is to show her animated e-cards. She doesn't like my DS and wouldn't look after him - she barely plays with him.
My DF who was not nearly as hands on with us will play with both of them. Odd really but my DS loves my DF not surprisingly.

tempnamechange98765 · 04/11/2020 07:20

That sounds really hard and sad OP, I would be gutted if I was you.

My DM has provided childcare for both my DC, and my second DC was harder work than the first as a baby and I know she found it hard. She would never for one second say she didn't want to look after him though, but we have looked at ways to make it easier/more enjoyable (she used to drive to my house which is quite a way and traffic could be appalling, whereas now that I'm WFH I drop DC to her house so both she and my dad look after him together in their own home, they really enjoy it now.

If your parents have said they don't want to look after your DD then I would find alternative childcare and give them a wide berth. It sounds like they're not big fans of young children.

BogRollBOGOF · 04/11/2020 07:27

DM likes DS2 but not very keen on DS1.

DS2 is sunny and cheerful, an easy personality to like.

DS1 was diagnosed with ASD a year ago. He was a "tantrummy" toddler, has a jealous streak so isn't a fan of me focusing much of my attention on DM so can play up for attention. DM favours going out for lunch and with hindsight that's a flashpoint for all the sensory issues involved.

DM is an older grandparent, out of spare energy and hasn't invested much energy into him either. She likes "good, well-behaved" children and doesn't tend to see DS1's delightful side. It doesn't help that she never sees him at home where he's relaxed and can do his own thing because she can't travel to us, and won't stay with us because of the practicalities of pets.

He's a "high functioning" child so passes as fairly normal much of the time, but he finds daytrips to DM stressful and displays "naughty" behaviour because he's not coping. DM is not keen on coping strategies such as letting hin immerse himself in minecraft on a tablet.

There's a personality clash.

Childcare was never an option due to age and distance.

She sees my niece little and often which she finds more managable, and seems more enthusuastic about her than either of my DSs. (She is cute and endearing)

DrinkFeckArseGirls · 04/11/2020 07:58

So what behaviour indicates that your DD is „highly spirited, headstrong and energetic”, OP?

Headstrong sounds like stubborn and disobedient. Highly spirited - loud, maybe running away so not easy to keep an eye on. Energetic - loud again.

Pyewhacket · 04/11/2020 08:07

Why my mother married my father and had children I will never know. She seemed to resent both. She is also a French national and moved back to Nice when I was 18. I hear from her rarely. My father adores all his grandchildren and spoils them something rotten, especially my DD’s.

2020hasbeenbloodyawful · 04/11/2020 08:13

My mum once didn’t notice my son’s pram had rolled off the curb and into the road because she was so interested in my nephew and niece choosing an ice cream. It had to be pointed out by a woman running across the road as I learnt from my nephew afterwards who found the whole story hilarious - my Mum never mentioned it.

It’s not so much she doesn’t like him, she just likes them more. It’s a shame because it’s destroyed our relationship too.

BarryWhiteIsMyBrother · 04/11/2020 08:15

'highly spirited, headstrong and energetic' coming from their parent sounds like a euphemism for a nightmare. Sorry.

HappeBee · 04/11/2020 08:27

Mine don't give a toss about my DCs and have a victorian mindset about my boys. They do adore my niece who is very dull but well behaved. They expected mine to be woken from naps to sit at lunch quietly since they were babies (now 5 and 6 years).

Children should be spirited energetic and headstrong, the way I see it. That is personality. It's their loss not to get to know their grandkids (by socialising not childcare). All children are exhausting. My parents and in laws have no clue how to engage with children at all and arent willing to learn so socialising with them is a drag. I dont have this issue with friends (even those without kids) who can at least talk to DC about superheroes or play for a bit at gatherings.

supersky · 04/11/2020 08:28

She's only young, just because they find her difficult to look after now doesn't mean they won't enjoy spending time with her when she's a bit older