Do your parents like your child (ren)?

[messy123]

Just that really. My parents have DD for the day on a Tuesday as I work and for a few hours on a Friday every other week. I was half an hour late home tonight and my parents both made it clear that they found DD hard work and said not in so many words that they didn't want to have her anymore. DD is highly spirited, headstrong and energetic ... but there's nothing wrong with her at all! I'm very biased but she's an amazing little girl (she's 3 next month by the way). Clever and bright with a sweet nature. My mum says me and my brother were nothing like her and she is hard to control. She definitely has her moments but can be reasoned with.

On the other hand, my MIL has her regularly and adores her, said she is like her kids were when they were young (she must take after her Dad!).

I'm not sure why but my parents seem to be the only people I can think of who don't like spending time with their grandchild. I can tell they genuine don't enjoy it and look forward to her leaving. I don't think they like her. Their neighbours have their grandchildren 5 days a week (which I do think is a lot) and my mum is always saying it's not normal and they need to get a life ☹️ They are definitely of the mindset of 'we've brought out kids up, that's it'. Thinking about it, when I was a teenager my dad always told me not to have kids (as he didn't want to look after them). He's said in not so many words he didn't want children himself. My mum is from down south and moved to the other end of the country to be with my dad and didn't have any help with her two children.
When you're young you accept how your parents are to be normal but I'm not sure it is. They are 61 and 71 by the way so although old they are not ancient and are reasonably fit.

Is this normal and what would you do next?

Sorry that was much longer than I intended.

Unfortunately there is favouritism to the extreme with my mother & all of her gc.
I do not ask her to have either of my children, as she makes it very clear of her dislike for some children over others so for that reason, I rarely visit with my children.

She has pretty much cared 7 days a week, 24 hours a day for both of my siblings kids from new born so not much time for any others to be fair.

And just to add, I know this is true because she can go over a year without seeing my kids and never ever asks about them, even if I bring them up in conversation, it’s like they belong to someone else.

I don't think them finding it hard to look after your DD for a whole day a week plus 1 evening means they don't like her.

They've already brought up their kids and that's a lot of responsibility to place on your parents. Don't understand people having kids and expecting family members to look after them.

Visit with your DD whilst you're there so they don't feel the pressure to look after her by themselves. Children are lovely but by no means easy to look after. It is very hard work!

Did you ask them to look after her or did they offer? They have done their child rearing years and maybe want a rest. She does sound like hard work. High spirited in my experience means naughty.

My parents seemed to have very low tolerance for me and my sister as children and were quite strict. I remember being shouted at a lot and just sort of left in front of the tele, don't really remember them playing with us or anything.

DS however, they adore and will do literally anything for him. He can have whatever he wants when he goes there, they make whatever he asks for (DF has a 3D printer and DM does craft stuff etc) they buy him loads of stuff, sends him packages in the post (cos of Covid), give him money, treats, send him home with things he's said he wants (just things like a cup or a blanket of dms etc), they're very patient with him, and he gets away with a lot of stuff he wouldn't otherwise. Before he was born DM insisted there would be absolutely no babysitting or anything, said he's my child and her child rearing days are over. In reality, she looked after him twice a week whilst I went to work for about 18 months and regularly offers to have him at her house.

I'm sure they'll be the same with DS2 but he's still a baby and cos of Covid they've not had much chance to see him. Though DMs been on at me for her to have him to herself plenty already.

My parents have always adored DS and regularly had him overnight and for school holidays, but then we have a tiny family, and he is the only grandchild. They are really fond of my stepson who is a similar age to my much younger sister, and when they were teenagers would take them on holiday together to Disneyworld. DS has benefited from that loving relationship and even if he had been a little git (which everyone is from time to time) they never said anything to me, just dealt with it at the time.

Could your mum be rejecting the idea that you would increase the demand of childcare to a similar amount as her friend, and is getting in there first by saying it is hard? Sounds really difficult for you.

My DS is also quite "spirited" and can be a right handful, but for some reason he's an absolute angel at nanny and grandads. I think he's actually aware of my DMs physical limitations (she's not really old, just disabled) so he seems to behave better for her. Or it's cos she lets him do what he wants, I dunno 😂🤷

My mum adores my DC and was super patient when they were toddlers. She would would always have them if I had reached a bit of a limit. My MIL unquestionably loves them but finds its tiring to have them for more than a couple of hours. So I respect that so that everyone enjoys their time.

Thank you all for your insights. DD is full of energy but when I say spirited I don't mean she is a nightmare. She is sociable and plays well with other children, she likes attention and stimulation but I would say you can reason with her.

My parents offered to have her originally, by the way. I think it's difficult though as my mum like little kids generally and my dad definitely doesn't. He's 10 years older than DM which probably makes a big difference.
Unfortunately her nursery is full for Tuesdays so I'm going to look into getting a childminder.
I know having a 3 year old round the house all day is no picnic when you're in your 70s.
It just feels hard as, within my circle of friends, I seem to be the only one with parents who are like this. My best friends' parents absolutely dote on their grandchildren and spend a lot of time with them. One close friend is a full time police offficer and was able to do that as her parents have her daughter 5 days a week. Another friends parents have 6 grandchildren and always have them ' on rotation'. I appreciate older people have done their child raising and want free time, but it hurts that they would rather be doing anything rather than seeing DD (or me, but that's another story).
Anyway, I will try to limit seeing them as much now and keep visits social and brief (not that we can from tomorrow anyway).

Big thanks again.

I'd also add that DD is their only grandchild and likely to remain that way.

One more thing...they weren't happy when I told them I was pregnant with her either!
Guess it's just the way they are.

I think part of your problem is your immediate friendship corcle and the comparing. Your parents are spending far more time with your child, and far more attention than anyone in my friendship circlw for example.

It sounds like you're ever so ungrateful for them doing so much more than people I know in their 70s do!
Perhaps they'd like you to visit wih your child and them be on hand for a cuddle and sweets and to do the fun stuff, but not have the energy for the responsibility every week? Im only 40s and love kids and know I wouldn't want to do a day aweek, but Im good with kids and would love a close relationship.

Growing up some of my close friends would go to grandmas afterschool for tea sometimes. But it wasnt usual for me so maybe the expectation wasnt there.

Just because they don’t want to look after their granddaughter for an entire day doesn’t mean they don’t like her. Maybe they just want to be there for the fun grandparent bits on their terms!

From your latest update what it actually sounds like is that you have issues with your parents and feel possibly they don’t like you and are projecting a bit of that combined with the comparison amongst your friends.

Maybe you don’t have a very communicative relationship but you may benefit from actually discussing the entire issue with them.

It sounds like it’s not about your daughter and whether they like her or not, it really sounds like they don’t want to look after a child. Particularly as your mum had no help when she was raising you. It sounds like they feel they’ve done their hard work looking after children and just don’t want to now, which is fair enough really. I have small children and it is hard work. I can see why you wouldn’t enjoy that every week if they are not yours.

I think it’s quite different enjoying your grandchildren with the parents there but another thing completely if you are looking after them for an entire day. I find mine hard work and I’m in my 30s so I’d imagine in your 60s and 70s it would be tiring. My mil and fil adore our children and due to distance don’t see them that often but when they do look after them for a few hours they are literally wiped out, and they are quite energetic mid 60s.

Don’t take it to heart that they don’t like your daughter. It just sounds like they find it a bit much looking after her every week. I’d make alternative childcare arrangements if you can.

My dad hasn't even met my second (she's 2.5) and he's met my first 3 times over 4 years. I've one brother that's met my first once (when she was 1) and never my second. My other siblings have met them a couple of times (we're all in our 30s and have their own kids)
My MIL likes to talk about the kids like she's granny of the year but we rarely see her as she works full time. I'm always amazed when kids have at least one set of grandparents that dote on them!

My DM said "I've been there and got the t-shirt" she is just not interested in my children and definitely not keen on looking after them so I don't ask. Think for some grandparents it feels like very hard work and they would just rather not.

Maybe my friends parents are the exception! Thought I was in the minority but judging from the replies clearly not. I have maybe been spoiled a bit by MIL who was very hands on and loves kids. Already putting out feelings for childcare options on Tuesdays, if I can get it think it will be a relief for all involved.

My parents love my kids who are now 15 and 13. When they were both born we lived 20 miles away from them, my parents were really supportive through two very difficult pregnancies (HG). When my youngest was 2 my dad's health began to decline and it also became apparent that the youngest had additional needs. After dh was suddenly admitted to hospital for major abdominal surgery we made the decision to move close to my parents and were able to buy a house 10 doors down the road from my parents (3 miles from in-laws).
It was a brilliant move all around, my children have a wonderful relationship with their grandparents, and we all support each other.

My MIL likes to talk about the kids like she's granny of the year but we rarely see her as she works full time.
The nerve of her to have a job!

When a parent indulgently describes their child as headstrong and spirited my heart always sinks a little because, invariably, I always go on to find their child is actually badly behaved and not very pleasant company.

We were always quite strict when it came to our DCs toeing the line, bedtime routines, minding their manners, to the point where I suspect my MIL thought we were too strict. Fast forward 10 years when she started looking after my SIL's 'spirited' toddler (who has never heard an even slightly angry voice or the word 'no', and has a 3 hour long bedtime routine) and my MIL was shocked at how difficult he was to be with. She was basically exhausted by him.

Peaceanddove, while you are right that boundaries are crucial, it’s important to acknowledge that not all challenging behaviour in children is a result of poor parenting . Some children have more reactive temperaments or may have diagnosed/undiagnosed difficulties (eg ADHD) which contribute to challenging behaviour. Of course the irony is that it is often these children where the parents would benefit most from childcare support from family/friends, but this is often less forthcoming than when the children are (for whatever reason)’easier to manage. So the parents cope with less support, and get more exhausted, which places more
strain on their parents resources. It’s a bit of a vicious cycle.

highly spirited, headstrong and energetic I'm not surprised your DP have had enough, your DD sounds exhausting.

I'm not sure why but my parents seem to be the only people I can think of who don't like spending time with their grandchild.

There's a difference between them seeing your DD on a visit and childminding.

None of the grandparents want to look after my child 🤷‍♀️ find it quite sad but just have to crack on!