I'm a crap parent

[OhToBeASeahorse]

I've been on MN for years but I've only just realised that I'm actually crap.

DS is 2, DD 4 weeks. I'm rubbish at it:

All the sleep threads are divided between 'we co slept, I loved it, got loads of sleep' and 'I did Gina Ford from the beginning and it worked brilliantly'.
Well I I cosleep because she doesnt sleep otherwise. I'm touched out and exhausted from having my baby attached to me 24 hours a day. Even a shower is a mad dash
With my son I spent al day every day trying to.get him to sleep. A 2hr daily drive was normal for a while.

Playing. Just read someone saying that at 6 months they were having whole days of Netflix. I've never managed that. I've probably ruined my son because it looks like I've never let him be. But at the same time I never have any of the brilliant activity ideas people talk about. I spend most of my time trying to escape on my phone.

Days out - I am wedded to a routine so DS naps in his cot, day trips are out the question. Our life is the park and a few friends.

I just cant do it. I'm just rubbish and it's made me sad.

I saw someone on here last night write that the biggest lesson to teach your child is independent play and I worry that I've utterly failed at that.

Blimey, they’re both still little! One’s a tiny baby! You’ve not even begun to fail at the sort of benign neglect parenting that helps them learn independent play.

It’s quite difficult going from one to two DC, ime - things will feel easier in a couple of months.

I am also a crap mum just like you! The difference is I don't feel at all guilty about it. I adore my kids, they adore me, they are beautiful and funny and troublesome and badly brought up in so many ways... who cares about that last part. As long as you are enjoying yourself, what does it matter what the other mummies are doing? And if you are NOT enjoying yourself, oh well, it is just a phase and pretty soon you will find you are having a lot more fun.

Stop being so hard on yourself.

My girls are 22 months apart and my GOD those first few months were tough. I look back and wonder how we made it through, but we did. They’re 5 and 3 now and it gets 100x easier and more fun (unless you have a third.... but even that has been nowhere near as traumatic as going from 1 to 2!)

Every single little job was a struggle. We were literally just trying to make it through each day. It always seemed like someone was crying, I was COMPLETELY touched out.

It’s all so so normal.

Oh and day trips with small children are massively overrated! Not worth the stress! Park sounds perfect. That’s all we ever do since all the baby groups have stopped.

Mine won’t nap in the cot - only in a moving buggy so we COULD do day trips.... I just can’t really be bothered!

So. Shit day today and I'm panicking.

DS was a bugger to nap. It took walking for hours in the park .

Today I've just had DD, Ds was in childcare. She woke at 8.30. Didnt nap so I went to the shops and she slept for 20 mins in the sling. that was it until 2.30 despite me trying everything. I cant do this again. She's only a month old. this isnt normal.

Oh you poor thing. I bet you will have a better day tomorrow .

Don’t panic - we all had days like this when looking after a newborn and toddler. I remember sort of freezing to the spot when both of them needed me in different rooms. Also I parked the babies oram without the brake on when playing with the toddler and she nearly rolled out the gate, I sobbed and sobbed. But it did get better.

@HumphreyCobblers I've literally just done the freezing thing. My toddler is unsettled and screaming for me and the newborn has been awake since 5pm.

Fuck. What have I done.

You have had another baby and it is HARD. But not a mistake. You will get through this I promise.

Take the toddler into bed with you and put something soothing on your phone and feed the newborn too. Snuggled up in bed. Get some lavender oil to put on your toddler’s pyjamas tomorrow, to calm them amd help them sleep.

Sorry if this has been dealt with earlier, have you thought you might have PND? I haven’t gone through the thread

Oh amd has the baby been checked to tongue tie? It is very common and can cause them to be windy and unsettled.

Baby has been checked for tongue tie but only by midwives. I'm tempted to see if BF consultants are working at the moment.

Toddler wont cosleep.- he thinks it's all far too exciting. He is normally a brilliant sleeper, dont know what's happened tonight.

I dont know if I have PND. this sounds stupid- how would I know?

There is a scale test thing a HV can use I think. Sorry, am a bit clueless as I definitely had it but can’t remember very clearly. I just felt scared all the time and sick with apprehension whenever I did anything with the baby. It was truly vile.

YY to getting a breast feeding consultant to have a look, my last child had anterior and posterior. And an upper lip tie poor sausage, he was so windy

If your toddler normally sleeps well then they will revert to type tomorrow!

Sorry, am bombarding you with posts. A really good trick is to do that breathing exercise hwhere you breathe out for longer then your in breath. So in for five then out for seven. It literally forces your body to relax and let go of the tension.

Haha I've just done that in my son's bedroom!
You arent at all. I'm grateful for the ear.

I would eat some chocolate now . Or cake

I couldn’t read and not post. There are 22 months between my 2 boys. When my 2nd was born, it was really really hard-he had reflux and they were both awful sleepers. They’re now 8 and 6 and great kids so I can tell you it will get better.

Things I wish someone had told me 1) being ‘good enough’ is perfectly fine-lower your expectations 2) this will pass-it feels like it will always be like this at the moment but I promise you it won’t 3) if you’re putting pressure on yourself to do something because you feel like you should or have to, don’t-do what’s best for you-what’s best for you is what’s best for your family 4) if your eldest child still naps, put them in childcare (if you can) for the time they don’t nap then home for the time they do. I put my eldest in nursery 3 mornings a week. Picked him up then we went straight for nap. Felt a lot more manageable!

Don’t suppose you’re in S. London, OP? I recently had a visit from a lactation consultant who was really good.

How’s it going now? Like PPs have said, set a really low bar, only do what really needs doing.

No I'm not sadly

Just got her to sleep. In 13.5 hrs she has slept for less than 3

What about you? Have you had enough sleep yourself?

Can’t remember if you said upthread, but have you a DP around to share the load?

Sending love and a big hug, although wish I could offer something more practical right now. A long shot but you are in the North West I do a mean pram walk.

I agree with pp about possible PND, I've had depression before and some of the same feelings you've described sound familiar. Perhaps prioritize a chat with your GP about your own health.

And I agree the number of hours sleep for your baby sounds like something is not right, at least in my experience. Worth contacting your HV and a lactation consultant as you've already suggested.

Finally who can you rope in to share the load with care of your oldest? More days/hours in nursery an option? Can family help out? Now is the time to let those who love you know how bad it is, I'm sure they'll want to help out (and I believe it's allowed Covid wise too). Doing this does not make you a bad parent, it makes you a pragmatic and committed parent, who will get through this.

OP, you don't sound like a crap parent at all. You sound like someone who wants to do her best by her kids. It can be really difficult to know what's most important, especially in those early, needy days when you're juggling so much.
I agree with others who've suggested that you might want to talk to your GP about PND. It mustn't be another stick to beat yourself with, but it might be a way of getting some extra support or a listening ear somewhere.
I also think babies have a way of making your feel uniquely rubbish - no day is ever the same so you never feel like you've got a handle on anything! But that's the nature of babies who are chanting so quickly, it doesn't make you a bad mum.
Do you have any RL support you can access? Anyone who can chat or lend a hand or go for a walk?

Thanks so much everyone. You're honestly really helping.

Last time I almost certainly had PND, even tho 3 doctors said I didnt. I felt desperately anxious most of the time over my baby's sleep. I think yesterday brought all those feelings back - so at he moment at least I think its fear of feeling like that rather than actually feeling like that. I'm still interested in things (watching the US election like a hawk).

I'm going to phone my HV tomorrow. They were crap last time but I'm going to ask them if they know of any lactation consultants still working at the moment.

I've realised DH has bought caffeinated teabags. I'm.sure.its making no difference but I'll get decaffeinated tomorrow.

I am just praying yesterday was an anomaly.

Sorry to answer questions. I have a DH who WFH. He works long hours bit will work til the wee hours if he helps me in the day - he is around if I need him. I dont.l help because I feel it should be me - i cant bear to hear her cry when she isnt with me.

I have 2 close.friends who are great for company but they wouldnt think to say bring a frozen meal over or something.

We do have a cleaner tho. DS goes to a CM 2 days a week. He is back with me tomorrow