I'm a crap parent

[OhToBeASeahorse]

I've been on MN for years but I've only just realised that I'm actually crap.

DS is 2, DD 4 weeks. I'm rubbish at it:

All the sleep threads are divided between 'we co slept, I loved it, got loads of sleep' and 'I did Gina Ford from the beginning and it worked brilliantly'.
Well I I cosleep because she doesnt sleep otherwise. I'm touched out and exhausted from having my baby attached to me 24 hours a day. Even a shower is a mad dash
With my son I spent al day every day trying to.get him to sleep. A 2hr daily drive was normal for a while.

Playing. Just read someone saying that at 6 months they were having whole days of Netflix. I've never managed that. I've probably ruined my son because it looks like I've never let him be. But at the same time I never have any of the brilliant activity ideas people talk about. I spend most of my time trying to escape on my phone.

Days out - I am wedded to a routine so DS naps in his cot, day trips are out the question. Our life is the park and a few friends.

I just cant do it. I'm just rubbish and it's made me sad.

You have 2 kids! I was like this with 1! Mine constantly screamed if I left the room, meaning bringing her anywhere was a nightmare. She didnt sleep anywhere except the cot either, and when everyone elses babies were napping in buggies and in slings mine was roaring and I was packing the bag to go home. My MIL nicknamed my baby 'grumpy' and used to ask could she swap her for a quieter granddaughter. I thought that was all my fault. All my NCT friends seemed to have degrees in research around raising kids. They had researched everything. I was going off what my mother did (so bottle fed, no co sleeping at all, cry it out, used bumbo chairs, left her to entertain herself while I sat on my phone, stuck to a routine like glue).

You arent crap. People just like to show off how 'amazing' they are. Being a mom is disgustingly competitive these days. So many women are out to make other mums feel like rubbish, and we are all expected to be bloody experts in everything. Trust me. You are VERY normal. We are all falling apart.

Cut yourself some slack, you have a tiny baby and a toddler, sounds like you are doing just fine to me. I felt exactly like that with DD when she was 2, and I didn't have a baby to contend with as well. It will get easier, you are keeping everyone well and looked after and thats the main thing. The guilt is solid, I know, but it really doesn't serve you any purpose and is misplaced.

You are all very kind.

I feel quite useless when I read peooke on here saying things like 'mine woke for w feed at 11 and 3 until they were 8 weeks' or 'i always did x'. I dont always do anything- i make it up as i go along.

Today my toddler is at childcare and I had a big to do list. I currently have a sleeping baby on me and my list is still full!

You’re not crap in the slightest, mums give themselves such a hard time.

First of all your baby is 4 weeks old, give yourself a break you’re learning how to be a mum of 2 and getting to know your tiny new arrival - it’s full on and when you’re tired and things aren’t going as you’d like it makes things feel so so much worse. Just remember this stage doesn’t last forever, does your older child go to nursery?

Try putting baby down in their pram for naps so you can take them out for a walk, mine used to have to come pick older sibling up from school, or have nap times in basket or pram close by mine were very used to noise so could sleep through it (I have 4 so each one got used to more and more noise and chaos)
Don’t rush your shower, babies can cry obviously you don’t want to leave them for long upset but as they get older they can be amused easier. I used to bf (2 out of 4) and found I left like baby was constantly on me or needing fed - used to say I was a dairy cow I wasn’t kind to myself I did get a sling so I could be with baby and feed but also use both hands or even just one & move about etc it def helped me feel less stuck and more able to play with my older kids.

Your older child will adapt and it will become easier to play and they will be able to concentrate longer too, you’re adjusting and so is he/she. Don’t compare with friends or family babies. You do it your way, and it might be a struggle some days but each day is a new day - something I’ve learned quite recently To just let a bad day go as I have the chance to make it better tomorrow.

Speak to your gp/hv re reflux - sit baby up 30 mins post feed does he arch back and seem in pain during or after feeds? Vomiting every feed? are they putting on Weight Baby might need some medicine to help or might just grow out of it - all babies are different hopefully that will settle down but phone for advice. My children are a bit older now - 9/10/15/19 but I’ve been there and I’m also a paeds nurse so I help quite a few mums with babies who have reflux and/or struggling so I hope you can find someone to talk to but just know you’re doing a great job, it’s just hard work right now. Relax today have a cuppa and some cake 🍰 I really hope things improve & know you’re not alone in how you feel

Sounds like you have a lot of mum guilt! I try not to compare as it always seems like everyone else is so much better at parenting than yourself, when in reality it's a lot of showy stuff for social media and behind the scenes the story is very different.
You sound like you are doing a great job

With such a tiny baby your sole job is to get through the day as best you can.

When my second baby was that age I was still leaving pretty much all the housework for my partner to do after work - and I was still bloody knackered!

I did find a comfy sling a lifesaver though, when chasing around after the toddler, as neither of my dc liked to be put down.

Your baby is 4 weeks old, try not to compare yourself. I found having a toddler and a newborn harder than having my third, when my other two were that bit older, even with lockdown thrown in. They both need you, a lot, so it’s intense. And you’re only in the early stages of having two. I totally understand how you feel about the sleep. I coslept with my first for 5 months or so because it was the only way she would sleep and she was always on me during the day and only took naps in the carrier. It wasn’t by choice but whenever I tried to research how to gently get out of it all I could find were articles about how amazing co sleeping and attachment parenting were. Which makes you feel terrible when you are trying to escape it! But you will. Not sure what you mean by whole days of Netflix - is that good or bad? With a toddler around it doesn’t sound great. And all three of mine napped best in their cot so if that limited my amazing outings so be it. My elder two are 5 and 7 and still love our local park as if it’s a brand new experience to them. Your toddler will see something new there everyday so don’t worry that your routine is limiting. It’s about whatever helps you best get through the day. And your baby is tiny, they may turn out to be quite flexible about stuff, this meaning you can be too. I remember taking mine on a day out when my 2nd was 7 weeks old and totally losing the plot when I got home, but it all gets easier. If the phone stresses you out try to leave it aside, somewhere you don’t see if for a few hours at a time and check it more occasionally. Your toddler doesn’t need the most amazing activities, but they do need you and your attention where you can give it.

Just saw your update above - a to do list with a 4 week old is a bit unrealistic. Let them feed and sleep on you while your toddler is at nursery and watch crap tv. That’s the closest to rest you can get with a new baby. If they need you to move (as one of mine did) bounce on a birthing/gymnastic ball so at least you can sit down.

Thank everyone. It's good to know I'm not alone - the birthing ball is being used to help movement. She has been snuggled on me all morning, now she is awake and fed so just in the sling so I can put a wash on etc.

Reflux - she cries after feeds but not everytime. She is very hiccupy and seems to be on and off my boob.

But that could all be normal- I think I need to give it a little time first, I dont want to start on gaviscon etc if there is no need

Re the pram - I tried taking her out in it last week, 90 minutes she didnt sleep a wink - she wasnt unhappy but she was very awake!

You sound like me! Kids are now fully functioning adults and not at all broken.

I think you are marvellous and hanging on - that’s all there is in the first few weeks.

I'm just thread crashing to remind all you mummies struggling.

....I hated being a mum to very little ones
I couldnt do the crafts. I would get angry, cry, stick DC in front of the tele, not interact because it just wasn't me, I would fall asleep sometimes (I worked nightshifts) without realising, and suddenly wake up and realise DC had been up to his own devices for however long, id lock myself away and cry, playing was difficult, everything I read here

My beautiful child is now almost 7. My god, we have so much fun. We craft, we joke, we talk, we cuddle, we watch documentaries together, we smile and sing and bake.
Those baby days are far behind us, and hes a smart, intelligent, kind boy.

Hes not perfect, neither am I, but hes making me proud everyday.

Baby days are HARD. The guilt is real. Just do your best to get through the day without breaking the baby

It will get better.. thats a promise. You gave permission not to read all the books, do all the walks, talk constantly, do what you can and try not to feel the guilt for not doing what you can't.

You are doing great, and one day those baby days will be a distant memory.

Mine didn’t accept their pram or cots until they were each around 4-5 months old. But they got there eventually.

I've got a similar age gap to you OP and at 4 weeks postpartum my eldest was being raised by Netflix and YouTube and surviving on chicken nuggets. I'm 10 months in now and it does get easier, I promise.
Your leaving the house which is something, believe me!
I used to go to my in-laws, fall asleep when the baby did and leave dd to rule the roost there for a few hours and counted that as a day out.
I'm another one that follows all fed, none dead. If you get to the end of the day, the kids are alive, looked after and relatively happy you've done good

You've made me feel a lot better, thank you.

I just wish I could chill. I saw someone on here last night write that the biggest lesson to teach your child is independent play and I worry that I've utterly failed at that.

@OhToBeASeahorse

We could be the same person you know. A person so sleep deprived they don't realise they're answering their own thread. It's possible...

Lol! That actually confused me for a minute!

It's a lovely day here today so I got baby and me out for a walk and did a wash and hung it out. My intention today was to organise the toddlers toys... that may be a tomorrow job!

@OhToBeASeahorse

You've made me feel a lot better, thank you.

I just wish I could chill. I saw someone on here last night write that the biggest lesson to teach your child is independent play and I worry that I've utterly failed at that.

Until mine were about 3 they had no concept of ‘independent play’ at all. At 7 and 5 they’re perfectly happy to play alone/together/in their rooms. Don’t panic!

You say you make it up as you go along as if it’s a bad thing. That actually makes you a great mum in my book as you are using your intuition to do what is best for your children.
You are adapting to them and their needs and not sticking to some rigid routine for the sake of it.

I had my 2 boys 18 months apart and the first year was very hard. Just do what you have to do to keep everyone alive and relatively happy and you’ll get through it. It won’t always be this hard. Mine are 3.5 and nearly 2 now and they play together and I can sit down with a cup of tea. When ds2 was born I barely had a moment all day when no one was on me.

You’re not doing anything wrong and you’re certainly not crap. Just keep going and it will get better soon. This is the hardest bit, it can only get better!

3 year old, 1 year old and 11 year old here. I feel I've became a more crap parent with each child! Don't give yourself such a hard time OP. I too have co-slept from day dot, as neither of my youngest would sleep otherwise. 3 year old still wakes at times too! We only managed to get her in her own bed when she turned 3. As for counting down the hours I'd say so so normal, hubby is in the forces I dread his time working away, you've just had a baby you're doing a great job

Aww love, you got this.
We've all been there.
Stop setting yourself goals.
Just get through the day.
Before you know it the little monsters will be in school.

This is my life too. And there are days I hate it so much and how 'awful' I am.

Then I finally get some sleep and realise I am sleep deprived, touched out and had no time to myself at all. You are going through the hardest stage!!!

You can encourage and support independent play but it’s hard to teach. Especially with a first child who is used to you being there for them all the time. Your second may surprise you. My second and third took themselves off and played on their own loads once they were a little more mobile. It definitely took my eldest a lot longer to get the idea! The main thing I’ve seen about supporting it is to have areas of your house you know they are safe in whether you’re there or not. E.g. can they be in the living room while you’re in the kitchen without you worrying that they will break something or hurt themselves? If you have to always be there to oversee things it’s harder for independent play to develop. We gave up all pretence that our house is anything but a kid zone some time ago so they are pretty much safe in most rooms barring stairs.

My 2 are 12 and 15 now, but I remember those early days well. I absolutely hated every minute of the newborn stage especially when I had a toddler to look after too. It was relentless and I was constantly knackered from sleep deprivation. It does get easier. I’m sure you are doing a great job and don’t compare yourself to others as we are all just doing the best we can. The fact you even managed to get out of the house and do some washing is probably more than I did in those first few weeks!

Get yourself some mental stimulation in the midst of all the washing crying napping feeding and housework.. turn on your favourite podcast or audio book.. anything not to think of babies for 5 mins.. you sound like a perfectly normal mom who loves her kids and that's what your kids need. Love and stability.. I couldn't wait till mine could tie their own car seats .. and now they can ..