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Original poster

Do people think "decided to get married" and "getting engaged" as separate things?

80 replies

Fressia123 · 01/11/2020 18:58

Wondering as future MIL had a tiny fit because she thought we hadn't told her we got engaged (we made it official on FB) but we told her we had decided to get married back in May.

OP posts:
Solongtoshort · 01/11/2020 19:04

My cousin has been engaged to nearly every man she has gone out with and never got married, unfortunately she hasn’t got a collection of rings either. We talked about getting married and about what time of year before we got engaged, l didn’t worry about getting engaged as l knew it would happen in the 18 months before it would happen. I have been asked before and said no, if we had talked about it previously it would of saved a whole lot of heart ache.

Congratulations by the way, you must be so excited.

TeenPlusTwenties · 01/11/2020 19:08

Well, I guess if you decided in May, but only told people just now, then I can see she might think of now as the 'getting engaged'.
(Especially if she had people contacting her all excited and she didn't know what about.)

HelloDulling · 01/11/2020 19:09

They are the same thing. What does she think has happened that she has missed?

ShirleyPhallus · 01/11/2020 19:10

Yes I do. DH and I knew we would get married pretty early on, but we still both wanted “the proposal” and that was really lovely.

It’s a very MN thing to say that once you decide you’re getting married then that means you’re engaged, but personally I think you’re properly engaged once you have a ring on the finger

Fruggalo · 01/11/2020 19:11

I see no difference in the two. But then I don’t get any of the froth around engagement and my brain does not compute the type of threads you get here on “we’ve decided to get married but he’s waiting for the right time to ask me”.

When fb started I put my status as engaged as yes, we planned to get married but no, it wasn’t an overnight thing. I received congratulations cards from friends who thought they’d missed something.

CoffeeRunner · 01/11/2020 19:13

They are quite literally the same thing.

I’ve always been a bit confused by people saying “oh we’re getting engaged at Christmas” in mid June. How does that work? Either someone has proposed or they haven’t?

Fedup21 · 01/11/2020 19:17

I’m baffled by this. I worked with a girl who got engaged once and when I congratulated her and asks when they were planning to marry, she replied that they weren’t ever going to get married, but they just wanted to be engaged as it was more of a commitment!

I think it’s really odd!

If you decide to get married, you’re engaged in my book.

If you’re engaged, you’re intending to get married.

AnneLovesGilbert · 01/11/2020 19:17

We got married and set the week we’d do it which was a couple of months off. Decided the exact day a couple of days later. We definitely thought and said we were getting married rather than had got engaged.

wirldsgonemad · 01/11/2020 19:20

Usually you say you're engaged when you have a ring on your finger. When you decide to get married, you're in agreement but the proposal and ring event hasn't taken place.

BackforGood · 01/11/2020 19:26

It’s a very MN thing to say that once you decide you’re getting married then that means you’re engaged

No, it isn't a MN thing. That LITERALLY is what "being engaged" is. It is the period between deciding you are getting married, and then being married.

kowari · 01/11/2020 19:27

There's deciding to getting married where you start to plan a wedding, or there's getting engaged with no plans to actually marry, even plans for just the season and year. Never really understood the latter.

CaraDuneRedux · 01/11/2020 19:29

They are the same thing to my mind.

The one that really makes me Confused is the "we've decided to get engaged at Easter/ when we go on holiday/ in three months..." Err no, if you've decided to get engaged you've decided to get married - which means you are engaged.

crumpet · 01/11/2020 19:31

You are engaged if you have decided to get married. Separating the two is artificial (and a bit silly)

StealthPolarBear · 01/11/2020 19:32

Yes it's very odd, I've noticed people doing this, getting engaged as a thing in its own right. Dh and I decided to get married and decided we'd aim for February the following year. At that point we were engaged. We then went out the next weekend and got a ring etc.

MiddleClassProblem · 01/11/2020 19:34

I think they are the same thing but it sounds like she thinks she missed out on knowing about a proposal due to the fb change being so much later.

Was there any reason in particular you did it now rather than then or not at all?

flowery · 01/11/2020 19:36

So you’ve been engaged for 5/6 months but haven’t told people. What’s changed now that you’re suddenly telling everyone else? Does she think something’s happened she wasn’t aware of?

Mumbum2011 · 01/11/2020 19:39

They are the same thing. Surely you don't get engaged without planning to marry. Why did you not tell MIL, seems a bit unreasonable that she was last to find out if you posted on social media months before.

Calligraphy572 · 01/11/2020 19:40

Deciding to get married is 'engaged'. No rings or proposals necessary.

ShirleyPhallus · 01/11/2020 19:41

@BackforGood

It’s a very MN thing to say that once you decide you’re getting married then that means you’re engaged

No, it isn't a MN thing. That LITERALLY is what "being engaged" is. It is the period between deciding you are getting married, and then being married.

Where does a proposal fit in? Cos surely in this day and age, many people discuss getting married in an abstract way and still like the thing of proposing / being proposed to. Feels like more of a mark in the sand that way.

Or perhaps just in my social circle but everyone I know did it that way.

crumpet · 01/11/2020 19:44

It’s a nonsense though. Once you have both decided to be married, what on Earth is the point of “The Proposal”??? Either you both have a chat and decide to get married, or one party asked the other the question. You don’t need both! WTF is the point of asking a question when it’s already been decided?

fuzzymoon · 01/11/2020 19:44

If you see them as the same thing why didn't you announce it when you told your future MIL ?

You obviously saw the engagement as a separate thing to have done it that way. So I think it would have been kind to have told her it was official.

MrsHuntGeneNotJeremyObviously · 01/11/2020 19:45

As soon as you decide to get married then you are engaged. The ring is neither here nor there - an agreement has been made.

zigaziga · 01/11/2020 19:45

Yeah mostly the same thing I guess, especially in your context.

I never really considered myself “engaged”. Getting married was always part of the plan and then one day we decided to book a date in so there was no proposal etc. I don’t know how others would have seen it.

riotlady · 01/11/2020 19:47

I think it’s the same thing, but there are definitely people who decide to get married but wait for an official “proposal” to call themselves engaged.

Ohalrightthen · 01/11/2020 19:47

We discussed getting married, decided we both wanted to, i said "ok shall we set a date?" he said "no I've got a plan"... i didn't consider us to be engaged until he proposed to me in the most incredible, perfect way possible 6 months later. We got married the following year.

Deciding to get married is, imo, pretty abstract. Getting engaged is a concrete, picking a venue and ordering cake sort of thing.