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Original poster

Do people think "decided to get married" and "getting engaged" as separate things?

80 replies

Fressia123 · 01/11/2020 18:58

Wondering as future MIL had a tiny fit because she thought we hadn't told her we got engaged (we made it official on FB) but we told her we had decided to get married back in May.

OP posts:

MaudHatter · 01/11/2020 21:19

I think a lot of couples get engaged to keep their partner happy . They don’t have any intention of ever getting married and think an engagement will buy them a little more time.

Prokupatuscrakedatus · 01/11/2020 21:28

Getting engaged used to be a kind of officially declared contract.
It used to be that a woman could get the money she / her parents invested in marriage preparation (furniture, bedlinen, clothes etc.) back from the groom, if he he didn't follow through and in some places vice versa.

RiaOverTheRainbow · 01/11/2020 21:35

I would consider being engaged to be actively planning to get married - setting a date for instance, not just agreeing it would be nice to get married but taking no steps to get there. (Kind of like the difference between wanting to have kids someday and TTC.) A proposal could happen well before, after or not at all.

All that to say, imo you got engaged in May

needmumsadvice · 01/11/2020 21:35

Weird thread. Getting engaged is agreeing to marry each other.

If you decided to get married then you are engaged (to be married).

SimonJT · 01/11/2020 21:42

I guess I see becoming engaged as having a proposal from one person.

We’ve booked our wedding, but as it was a joint discussion and decision rather than anyone actually proposing I guess it doesn’t feel like an engagement and I probably wouldn’t call him my fiance, I know that may sound odd.

Original poster

Fressia123 · 01/11/2020 21:47

@SimonJT that's more or less how I feel/felt.

OP posts:

BogRollBOGOF · 01/11/2020 22:18

We had a random discussion in the car when we'd been together roughly 2 years and living together for 1 and agreed in principle that we would like to end up being married and have a family. I was still a student (podt grad) and it was not a rush, I wanted more time to balance up our positions on life first.

It must be about 4 years later when in another car conversation it came up that it was feeling like the right time to seriously consider marriage.

We browsed for rings. Then within a month or two DH did the formal proposal with the ring. We began looking at appropriate timescales, dates and making arangements over the next few months and set a date for two summers later.

I count the romantic proposal as the point of getting engaged. MN would probably count car conversation 2. Car conversation 1 was too vague and a principle rather than concrete intention.

shinynewapple2020 · 01/11/2020 22:26

We certainly talked about getting engaged and set a date for our engagement. We then chose a ring and took it away for the weekend where I was presented with the ring by DH going down on one knee in the restaurant. I think we then set the date for the wedding .

Seems a bit of a rigmarole looking back .

DDiva · 01/11/2020 22:58

We discussed we both wanted to get married, settle down and have a family.

Dh then proposed with a ring, we announced our engagement and had a small family gathering to celebrate.

They were definitely two separate things....

Bikingbear · 01/11/2020 23:58

Op do you think MIL was waiting to see an engagement ring, had she been very polite and not told her friends as she was waiting for an engagement announcement/ tales of the proposal?

They are definitely two different things in my head, I couldn't tell you when DH and I decided that marriage was on the cards, we had a few conversations over a few months, were we right for each other, did we want kids, did we want to move in, did we want to get married, where did we want to live, when do we want to get married!

We were both in out 30's so didn't feel we had time to faf. Our families were surprised at the speed things moved at.

HoldMyLobster · 02/11/2020 01:29

I don't have an engagement ring, and there was no proposal, but I've been married for 20+ years.

My sister had a proposal and engagement ring, but nearly 20 years later is still not married.

Hmmm...

Original poster

Fressia123 · 02/11/2020 07:13

Well the conversation of "we'd like to get married" was two years ago! I actually then got tired of the lack of ring so then had the conversation that we should set a date and so we did. Once it was booked we told our respective parents. Once thing is to have a vague conversation and a very different one to set a date. Setting the date to me marks teh start of the engagement.

OP posts:

AllTheUsernamesAreAlreadyTaken · 02/11/2020 07:57

We spoke about getting married and agreed a date together. When we were first dating, I told him I'd never want a proposal because it's too big of a commitment to be asked on the spot. I wanted a proper grown up conversation about it.
There was no ring, no bended knee, no grand gesture. Just the two of us on our sofa.
I suppose that means in some people's minds we weren't engaged. We did get married though.

nosswith · 02/11/2020 08:39

You don't need to be engaged to get married, but I think one should normally lead to the other.

IceCreamAndCandyfloss · 02/11/2020 09:28

I’d much prefer a discussion re marriage than a surprise proposal. It’s a huge decision to make lifelong vows.

Most engagements now seem to be for SM purposes.

Iamthewombat · 02/11/2020 09:36

I’ve always been a bit confused by people saying “oh we’re getting engaged at Christmas” in mid June. How does that work? Either someone has proposed or they haven’t?

I’ve wondered about this ever since I was a teenager. I am now 49. I still don’t get it.

Does the ‘getting engaged at Christmas’ involve a proposal on one knee, in front of a Christmas tree, brandishing a ring in front of witnesses?

Engagement is a form of contract, surely? You agree to marry one person so you take yourself off the market. You are no longer available for other proposals. So as soon as you agree to the proposal, you are engaged, ring or no ring.

CherryPavlova · 02/11/2020 09:56

@IceCreamAndCandyfloss

I’d much prefer a discussion re marriage than a surprise proposal. It’s a huge decision to make lifelong vows.

Most engagements now seem to be for SM purposes.

I think it would be a rather brave soul who gave a completely unexpected proposal in the U.K. these days.

HelloDulling · 02/11/2020 10:07

I think it would be a rather brave soul who gave a completely unexpected proposal in the U.K. these days.

Someone we know did a surprise, and very public, proposal a few years ago. It did not go well.

Bikingbear · 02/11/2020 10:28

@nosswith

You don't need to be engaged to get married, but I think one should normally lead to the other.

Depends on how you view engagement. To some they will go straight to planning a wedding, eloping and not tell anyone it's happening. But somewhere along the line they became, Engaged to be married.

Others which I really really don't get are Engaged so they have a fancy ring with no intention of getting married.

3ormorecharacters · 02/11/2020 10:51

DH and I discussed the idea of marriage quite a bit before getting engaged but only in fairly abstract terms - making it clear to one another that it was what we both wanted but without going as far as to actually ask the question. So I kind of knew a proposal was coming but not exactly where or when (though obviously I had my suspicions=). I would never have announced that we had decided to get married before he actually proposed. The proposal / engagement is the formal 'deciding to get married'.

Original poster

Fressia123 · 02/11/2020 10:54

@3ormorecharacters but under your definition I'm not even engaged a she's never proposed.

OP posts:

Bikingbear · 02/11/2020 10:55

@HelloDulling

I think it would be a rather brave soul who gave a completely unexpected proposal in the U.K. these days.

Someone we know did a surprise, and very public, proposal a few years ago. It did not go well.

Whoops! Did she say no???

3ormorecharacters · 02/11/2020 11:05

@Fressia123 I guess everyone has a different idea of what these terms mean. If you considered your 'deciding to get married' in May a formal engagement, I would have described it that way to your MIL. It seems like a matter of semantics that Facebook has an 'engaged' status but not a 'planning to marry' status. Maybe just explain to your MIL that you consider these the same - for most people the idea of 'engaged' includes getting down on one knee, giving a ring etc.

AllTheUsernamesAreAlreadyTaken · 02/11/2020 11:09

I've had so many friends waiting years for proposals and getting quite frustrated/ bitter about the passing occasions when it could/ should have happened. One of my closest friends didn't come to my wedding because she was convinced it would be the day her boyfriend proposed because it was their 10 year anniversary of dating and being at my wedding would mean he wouldn't do it.

She didn't come and booked a weekend away for them. He didn't propose anyway.

It seems ludicrous to me that the woman has to wait for the man to propose in 2020 like a helpless princess in a tower. Just have the conversation like grown ups.

"What do you think about us getting married?"

"Maybe but not yet"

"Yes I think we should. When are you thinking? Let's book a date"

It's so much more adult than pining for a fairytale proposal and we don't do it for any other big decision in our lives.

Imagine wanting to buy a house but having to wait for the man to make a big show of asking you. It's madness.

Original poster

Fressia123 · 02/11/2020 11:38

My DP came to the conclusion that yes people do see them as separate things. But we have our date booked at the registry office, to me that sounds like a lot more commitment to getting married than a ring.

I did tell him that I thought we'd make SM official once there was a ring, but as he's still saving for it we thought it really didn't make any difference as our plans are set.

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