I’m not ok and can’t see a future

[Plankyplank]

Im posting in desperation. I’ve managed to hold down my job and keep things together after an horrific break up in February, which came as a shock. We were planning for a fucking family, had started preparing a nursery room (just paint and planning like that nothing major). I don’t know how I got through the break up to be honest, without going into details I left and that was it never saw him again except for him to text a month later to ask me to confirm I wasn’t pregnant. Feel sick evening typing all this as my whole world as I knew it was ripped from me. I thought I would have a family maybe this year. I thought I was with the man I would say goodnight to every night until the day one of us died. I know breaks ups happen and that’s life but fuck the months that followed were dark. I tried to take my life, was hospitalised as a result of the attempt that caused some serious physical harm. I’m ashamed because I’m in a job where I am near the top of my career, lead a team, I have a nice home. This year has broken me and when people say oh these months have been awful I nod along thinking if only I had just had corona to deal with.

It’s dark at 5pm and I’m alone every night. I thought this Christmas might be extra special. My heart breaks all the time for the things I don’t have. I can’t imagine meeting anyone again let alone feeling truly loved. I literally can’t envisage it and it makes me feel so lost without that small hope.

I briefly started online dating and it was ok but everyone seems married or weird or up for a shag, so I came off it after a day. I’m so sad. I know people are struggling for so many reasons and I know I need perspective I just can’t cope tonight. My brother gets married soon and I feel dread at having to celebrate someone else again. I’ve never been bitter before and I’m so lost and alone and heartbroken that I just don’t know how to go on. I’m in therapy and I’m not depressed just totally and utterly broken with life and haven’t felt any glimmer of love or closeness from anyone for nearly a year. Not even a hug from a man where you feel safe and like someone cares. I won’t have that again and I don’t know how to carry on without loving someone and being loved back.

You will have it again and although it doesn't feel like it now you will get through it. Something wasn't right in the previous relationship for it to break up the way it did so, lucky escape that you weren't pregnant or with a young child and in an unhappy relationship. You are worth so much more. Your feelings are natural and understandable, and will likely change with time.

Oh love. I’m so sorry. You WILL have a future, I promise. You’ve just got to keep clinging on through this bit.

Have you got friends around?

I have nice friends but nobody really gives a shit. Everyone has someone who is their priority and I’m not in that category with anyone.

Also you say you aren't depressed but feeling broken with life is as good a description of depression as I have heard. Covid19 restrictions will undoubtedly be making it worse. I have many good things in my life, and feeling broken still comes every now and then. Try and get regular outdoor exercise, even a walk, during daylight hours. Eat good food and stay off the booze if you drink. Call friends and family. Be kind to yourself.

I hope it helps to know many people have come through the same feelings. Call the Samaritans if you need. Your life has value in and of itself, regardless of other people. Much love to you x

Soon you’ll look back and think about how far you have come and how happy you are.

You’ll meet someone. Heartbreak is awful, it can feel like a physical pain. In fact for me emotional pain is worse than any physical pain I’ve ever experienced.

You’ll get through, sit tight and be kind to yourself 💓

I'm so sorry. You've lost so much, including all the emotional investment in your future. But this will pass. Honestly it will. When your world collapses it does take a long time for a new one to take shape.

If he left in that way then I'm sorry but he was no good for you. Perhaps what you had seen or felt about him was more hope than reality, given he left.

I totally understand about loneliness and not feeling held or loved. It's hard but there are other ways to feel loved. I found reading books about women from a more jungian perspective really helped. Try women who dance with Wolves. That kind of total implosion of your sense of self, maybe suggests you could feel stronger if you explored your inner strengths, your "spirit". Maybe your therapy is helping you with that.

I also would strongly suggest antidepressants, they've saved my life for sure.

So many people are feeling absolutely desperate - lost, alone, worthless. We are not. We are humans all struggling at some time in our lives with terrible emotional pain. This will pass. If all else fails get a cat

I’m 37. I won’t meet anyone now. I’m also so hurt by what has happened that I don’t think anyone new will ever understand that. I’m no longer as new and fresh as I once was. My future seems like a black hole I literally can’t face celebrating anyone’s happiness anymore and that makes me a fucking awful person. Why am I still alone? It feels so unfair. I’m so tired of keeping going.

Maybe you aren't in that category right now but you will be again even if you can't see it now. I am confident of that no matter how bleak things may seem now.

I’m 40. Stuff has happened to me in the last couple of years that has fundamentally changed me. Like you, I’m not the same person I used to be. I’m jaded, cynical, harder edged. BUT there’s still joy to be found out there. There is, truly. And 37 is NOT too old to meet someone.

If you’re in the East of England and fancy a socially distanced coffee let me know

Couldn't just read and run. Bless you, what a crappy time you're having. Please don't despair as there is happiness out there but not until you're ready for it so you need to grieve for what you've lost and come out a stronger and more self-confident person. Be gentle with yourself 💐

This is raw emotion talking to you. Pain, hurt and grief for what might have been. But it won't be your reality for ever. While you are deep in this it is hard to see rationally and logically. I found my DH a couple of years after feeling the same as you. The fact I had been through breakups meant I was bruised and wary but gave us a stronger foundation in some ways. I think it will be the same for you. Just give it time

These are not easy times to go through tough times.

It's worth looking into social groups in your area. Restrictions are around, but there will be something whether it's being organised more remotely, and even in tier 3 areas sports groups can still meet. Even if it's not your plan A type of activity, it's distraction, novelty and human contact to break up a lonely time.

There is a future. Try to find some focus to keep limping through this autumn/ winter, and opportinities will open up in the spring.

Could you talk to your brother about the distressing fact that you feel your ability to celebrate someone else's happiness has been crushed out of you? This is so understandable that he needn't take it personally, and maybe if he understands how hard it is going to be for you to be there pinning a smile on, it might just make it bearable, so you won't have to hate every minute, fake something you don't feel, or miss his wedding.
Could you have that conversation with him. It won't ruin his wedding if he understands, I know if it was my wedding I would rather know so I could put my arms round you and care than blithely carry on trampling your heart in ignorance.

alternista I am in the midlands, thank you for suggesting that, it made me cry in a good way.

I just can’t cope with the grief of what I thought I had. I can’t cope with it. I had so many plans and hopes for the future. I was so looking forward to it all. I am a broken mess. I wanted a home with someone and a life and I’m 37 and not even in a relationship. I’ve done the single thing, the career thing, the buying a home thing. I’ve done all the things you are supposed to do to be independent. Why is it still not my turn to meet someone where it goes the distance. I feel so broken. I can’t stop crying tonight.

chicken what has upset me is that they brought the wedding forward. It was supposed to be August 2021 and for some reason they suddenly want it at Christmas. I know they are entitled to do it anytime and I’m not usually such a precious bitch about stuff but this year I am just in pieces.

I've had the bottom drop out of my world twice in my life and the only thing that put the brakes on the downward spiral was doing something radically different. First time I went and lived in another country and totally changed the people around me for a while and second time I took up a new hobby which was massively outside my comfort zone.
I know pandemics aren't the best time for these, but they aren't suggestions as such just a flavour of the kind of going off at a tangent you need to break the grip of the massive loss you feel, cos when nothing else changes the gap is just so huge.
Your feelings aren't a medical condition, they are a reasonable response to what had happened, but a sadness so deep can alter your brain chemistry and bring on a medical depression which makes it all even harder.
I hope you can find a way to hold on until hope returns. It can and I'm sure it will.

That's a surprise change of plan and not in a good way for you then. It's ok to feel distressed that the timing is shit for you. All the more reason to talk to him if you can. They must have their reasons but haven't thought about you not having time to get strong enough for it.

I’m 37 I’m too old if this has happened at 25 I would be more resilient. I feel like I have lost everything. I literally don’t have anything in my life that is special like that, no shared home, no person to love. I just want to share my life with someone. What’s the point in all this life and career and home when it’s just you. I want someone to look to the future with. Every moment feels so hard and not because I’m no longer with my ex but because I have none of the things I thought I would by now. Not even close.

That man sounds like an absolute shite, I would guess there is a very good reason you left - given the cruelty of his text checking you weren't pregnant.

You're allowed to feel utterly shattered and totally fed up, that's entirely normal given all you've been though this year, on top of the regular 2020 load.

Don't let him beat you. You've come here to vent and seek support because you still have the will to fight on. How long since you took time off work, just for a rest?

Offering hand hold. That's crap. Life should feel worthwhile and that's what you hoped for for yours.
In time can you feel fulfilled, by finding this despite your doubt you can, or maybe by some other route. I hope so. None of us know but we hope so, and meanwhile I feel your sadness and send solidarity.

pics I am scared to take time off because I will be faced with a silent house in addition to crushing thoughts of what’s happened.

He was so awful to me, when our friends had a miscarriage in December he said it was ‘ridiculous’ that they were upset about and was laughing. I think even then I knew it was over. He was an awful man. But a man I had built everything around and my whole future. I am too old for all that now and what lies ahead is darkness. I am so sad.

chickens thank you x means a lot

I’m 37. I won’t meet anyone now

Sorry you're feeling so low but this comment is nonsense.

You will get to feel better, I got divorced at 37 , now 58, never met another right man.
Happy, content and have great loving cat, ok job.
Just take things as they come

former maybe I will meet someone in years to come but I will be a different person after all this and I will be unlikely to have a family in the way I hoped.