I’m not ok and can’t see a future

[Plankyplank]

Im posting in desperation. I’ve managed to hold down my job and keep things together after an horrific break up in February, which came as a shock. We were planning for a fucking family, had started preparing a nursery room (just paint and planning like that nothing major). I don’t know how I got through the break up to be honest, without going into details I left and that was it never saw him again except for him to text a month later to ask me to confirm I wasn’t pregnant. Feel sick evening typing all this as my whole world as I knew it was ripped from me. I thought I would have a family maybe this year. I thought I was with the man I would say goodnight to every night until the day one of us died. I know breaks ups happen and that’s life but fuck the months that followed were dark. I tried to take my life, was hospitalised as a result of the attempt that caused some serious physical harm. I’m ashamed because I’m in a job where I am near the top of my career, lead a team, I have a nice home. This year has broken me and when people say oh these months have been awful I nod along thinking if only I had just had corona to deal with.

It’s dark at 5pm and I’m alone every night. I thought this Christmas might be extra special. My heart breaks all the time for the things I don’t have. I can’t imagine meeting anyone again let alone feeling truly loved. I literally can’t envisage it and it makes me feel so lost without that small hope.

I briefly started online dating and it was ok but everyone seems married or weird or up for a shag, so I came off it after a day. I’m so sad. I know people are struggling for so many reasons and I know I need perspective I just can’t cope tonight. My brother gets married soon and I feel dread at having to celebrate someone else again. I’ve never been bitter before and I’m so lost and alone and heartbroken that I just don’t know how to go on. I’m in therapy and I’m not depressed just totally and utterly broken with life and haven’t felt any glimmer of love or closeness from anyone for nearly a year. Not even a hug from a man where you feel safe and like someone cares. I won’t have that again and I don’t know how to carry on without loving someone and being loved back.

I’m so sorry OP, I’m in a similar boat and the waking in the small hours is so familiar, it’s terrifying and sad isn’t it.

I was dumped with no explanation earlier this year and I can honestly say it’s been the hardest time of my life, COVID aside. Unfortunately it’s a shit year for everyone so as nice as friends and family can be they’ve all got their own problems - I know how alone that can make you feel.

I’ve got 10 years on you and my situation is slightly different but heartbreak is heartbreak and I’ve never known hurt like it. I don’t know if it would make you feel better or worse to know you’re not the only one feeling this way but if it would help to talk please do PM me x

I’m so sorry for what you are going through. I have felt like you, so low and just desperate for someone to make it better, I’m afraid nobody can and all that will is time, but there will be good days and bad days. I also need to pay attention to what is happening in my cycle as that can really affect how I cope, it can be helpful to realise that my hormones have affected my resilience because at least I know in a few days I should feel stronger. Also it’s fine to privately feel jealous and angry about your brother’s wedding, that’s normal, let yourself feel it and try not to feel guilty. Often I find that if I fight the feelings of anger, sadness, bitterness, jealousy etc they get worse but if I just let myself feel them they eventually pass. I’ve also found yoga (online) and exercise to be good.

I think it’s important you get some counselling, maybe this is available for you through your work? There is no shame in it.

For what it’s worth you sound like a lovely empathetic person and your ex sounds horrific. I have recently gone through a miscarriage and having someone like him around would have just made everything so much worse. I think when you’re ready you’ll meet someone much better to share your life with.

Finally as to friends, I have lots of friends who maybe are not my number one priority on a day to day basis but if one of them called me or texted me to say they were struggling or low I’d be there for them without hesitation, I bet you have some friends like that too.