I’m not ok and can’t see a future

[Plankyplank]

Im posting in desperation. I’ve managed to hold down my job and keep things together after an horrific break up in February, which came as a shock. We were planning for a fucking family, had started preparing a nursery room (just paint and planning like that nothing major). I don’t know how I got through the break up to be honest, without going into details I left and that was it never saw him again except for him to text a month later to ask me to confirm I wasn’t pregnant. Feel sick evening typing all this as my whole world as I knew it was ripped from me. I thought I would have a family maybe this year. I thought I was with the man I would say goodnight to every night until the day one of us died. I know breaks ups happen and that’s life but fuck the months that followed were dark. I tried to take my life, was hospitalised as a result of the attempt that caused some serious physical harm. I’m ashamed because I’m in a job where I am near the top of my career, lead a team, I have a nice home. This year has broken me and when people say oh these months have been awful I nod along thinking if only I had just had corona to deal with.

It’s dark at 5pm and I’m alone every night. I thought this Christmas might be extra special. My heart breaks all the time for the things I don’t have. I can’t imagine meeting anyone again let alone feeling truly loved. I literally can’t envisage it and it makes me feel so lost without that small hope.

I briefly started online dating and it was ok but everyone seems married or weird or up for a shag, so I came off it after a day. I’m so sad. I know people are struggling for so many reasons and I know I need perspective I just can’t cope tonight. My brother gets married soon and I feel dread at having to celebrate someone else again. I’ve never been bitter before and I’m so lost and alone and heartbroken that I just don’t know how to go on. I’m in therapy and I’m not depressed just totally and utterly broken with life and haven’t felt any glimmer of love or closeness from anyone for nearly a year. Not even a hug from a man where you feel safe and like someone cares. I won’t have that again and I don’t know how to carry on without loving someone and being loved back.

@Plankyplank

former maybe I will meet someone in years to come but I will be a different person after all this and I will be unlikely to have a family in the way I hoped.

I don't think thats necessarily true. You still have time. I know plenty of women who were single at your age and met someone and had children. I think when you're feeling down, it's sometimes hard to see things objectively. A relationship ending is always horrible but things do get better.

Why will you not meet anyone at 37? My husband was 40 when we met and we have had 2 kids and got married in the last 5 year.. You will meet someone, your age is not a problem

@Plankyplank

pics I am scared to take time off because I will be faced with a silent house in addition to crushing thoughts of what’s happened.

He was so awful to me, when our friends had a miscarriage in December he said it was ‘ridiculous’ that they were upset about and was laughing. I think even then I knew it was over. He was an awful man. But a man I had built everything around and my whole future. I am too old for all that now and what lies ahead is darkness. I am so sad.

Ah, I wonder if this is one of those relationships where he takes up so much energy to read him and placate him and get along with him, keep him happy...that over time the part of you that is "you" is squashed into an ever smaller space, until most of you, is actually "him". When someone like that leaves (or you leave) you'll find that so much of what you had become was simply dealing with him, that there is a gaping wound where he's been excised and a huge empty hole to fill up again. The good news is that the hole heals, and you get to fill it back up with "you" again.

The silent house - what helped me was to leave lights on, heating on (grief can make you feel so cold!), radio on - even when I went to work I left lights and radio on, so that whenever I came home the house felt "occupied" - rather than cold, dark and silent. Same at home, keep loads on, radio, tv, keep the house noisy. Do you get out and see people? Even having a solo coffee in a busy cafe can help. Do you schedule exercise, a good walk every day? How is your sleep?

Because not only am I older now but I also have huge scars from what’s happened. I’ve had break ups before but this was another level. We were trying for a family, it was different. I am a different person after this break up and I’m scared nobody will ever understand that.

I'm sorry for what you've been through OP. Try and take small steps when thinking about the future. This all or nothing thinking won't be helping you. There is absolutely every chance you will meet someone and have a family if that's what you want. But right now the priority has to be getting yourself well again and in a better state of mind. It's a bit like a grieving process.
Try and get as much support as you can, talk to us on here and get out in the fresh air as much as possible.

You will meet someone I met my partner when I was 40 via online dating. Yes I met some wankers before I met him but you will meet someone and you will get over this.
You might even find as time goes on that you're happier by yourself and don't want anyone else it's still very early days take time to grieve the end of the relationship, and do things for you, I know it's hard with COVID at the moment but you could join a club or volunteer for something.

The thing is I dated online for about 5 years before my ex. It was horrendous. I got dates and I find chatting to people easy but it was fucking horrible and lonely always putting yourself out there like that. I don’t think I can face it 10 years later.

Could you do IVF with donor sperm? Then you put could put your concerns about finding a man on the back burner and concentrate on something g positive.

I guess but I wanted to be with someone and I’m finding that so heartbreaking. I don’t like living my life alone although I am fully able to do that. It’s nit what I want to be sat here on a Friday night in a silent house. I want someone I love and who loves me to build a future with

I know but realistically it’s going to take time to meet someone and nurture a relationship to the point where having a family might be discussed. It might be better to just get some embryos in the freezer and then you could always try and use them in your forties if no man is on the scene.

Life is sometimes shit isn't it. Really shit and it all gets too much. Some things take alot longer than others to recover from. Sometimes it feels like you can't get any happiness. But you just have to keep going and see life through. Don't give up. There are so many possibilities and you deserve to live and be happy.

I don't have the miracle answers about dating, men and relationships. Many people you get involved with let you down. Many men hurt you. I believe most of us get hurt before finally being happy. But we don't truly need men. Once we realise that they are not worth the agro half the time and to enjoy other things instead it perhaps gets a little easier.

Work on yourself first. I know you want to instantly feel better. I've been there. You want someone to take the pain away and make you happy. I get that. But life's plan for you will all make sense one day. There's a baby that hasn't been born yet that's going to be yours one day. That baby can only be born when you are in the right relationship to bring them into the world. I lost a baby early on around 5/6 weeks inbetween my two kids. I remember the anger I felt. I wanted that baby so much. But I wouldn't have my youngest son now if I hadn't gone through that sadness and loss. So I believe it happened for a reason now.

I feel like that's the case in life. When things are shitty it's because there's someone or something else waiting to come into your life. When you finally settle again you won't want your life how it was anymore. You'll be glad if your new chapter.

Also phones and dating apps have really put a complicated spin on things. It's like a catalogue. Too much choice. Too much showing off. Filters. More than one interest on the go. Serial dating. It's much nicer to meet someone naturally. It's harder to do so but it could happen anytime anywhere.

Give yourself time. I don't know what you enjoy doing. Maybe get a pet. Look at a new hobby. Go for a jog. Blast your music. Dance around your living room. Read books. Treat yourself to some new toiletries. Pamper yourself. See friends. Have a lie in. Cook nice healthy meals.

Take care of yourself. Because you are worth it. Men are seriously overrated at times. They cause heartache when they don't even deserve a second of our time.

Xx

What happened to you was utterly shit, it's completely understandable that you're shellshocked. However there is only you in control of your response. 37 is not old. You can't change what has happened but you can influence what will happen next.
Get some support from family or friends and learn to be ok on your own. It won't be forever, you will meet someone else and that way you won't be vulnerable to another insincere or unsuitable man.
Good luck OP

@Plankyplank - I get that the life you envisaged for yourself has gone for now, you need to give yourself time to absorb that. You had an inkling in December that "he was an awful man". Congratulate yourself on knowing you were right.

In the time ahead try to do one thing - just one - every day that you find pleasurable and one thing you regard as an achievement. Pleasurable can be watching a TV you loved but he didn't like. An achievement could be rearranging your bedroom to make it your sanctuary.

Don't know if it's feasible for you but being responsible for an animal can be a route to healing - even if you can't have one of your own. Volunteering at an animal home or walking a neighbours dog will distract you and lift you out of your misery.

At the age of 43 the love of my life ended our relationship, I thought my life was over (and wanted it to be). 14 years later I'm in another country, another relationship which is more fulfilling than I ever thought possible. You will survive this.

Sorry to hear you are feeling like this. Things seem bad now but they will get better honestly.

Could you consider sperm doner? At least you will then get your baby and then there’s less pressure to find a man. You will meet someone down the line when the time’s right and you feel ready. You’ll be happy again.

I think you need a short/medium/long term plan.

Short term is how you’re going to get through today/tomorrow/this week:this month. It might include binge watching Greys Anatomy, or making a commitment to text one friend each day, or going for a walk each day, or having a shower, etc etc. How you’re going to cope in the imminent hours/days. Mine included walking every day, making contact with someone each day and being kind to myself- letting myself eat toast for every meal or watch crap telly or sleep at 2pm etc. It also included anti depressants btw.

Medium term plan. Mine included a new job and a bit of an overhaul- I lost a couple of stone, grew my hair, started moisturising, got fit.

Long term plan- I’m not there yet. It’s still too painful to deal with all the loss. But I’m doing ok in the medium term plan. Slowly finding my way.

Another thing that’s helped, which sounds wanky, is a gratitude journal. Write one positive thing from each day. A bit of sunshine, a nice cup of tea, a message from a friend etc. It really has helped me.

Sending you a virtual handhold from afar x

OP, you seem so hung up about your age but you’re still only in your 30s, honestly your age is really not a problem. 2 of my friends in their 40’s have just had babies and one of them had twins. It’s fairly common now for women to have kids later in life so you’ve still got plenty of time on your side.

I know you say you’re scarred now and feel weak but to leave your ex who you were in a long term relationship must have taken some courage. You also sound like you don’t take any shit from men from what you’ve said about your experiences with OLD. You will meet someone and you will find happiness again.

On the whole married/kids thing though I will say don’t be fooled that everyone who is married with kids have a perfect life- some of the most depressed people I know are bogged down in unhappy relationships with kids and are yearning for freedom. You’re feelings are totally valid but speaking from experience the grass is not always greener. Good luck OP

Thanks for the posts. I’m reading them all closely and trying to take it all on board.

I always wake up at this time and can’t sleep, just feel terrified, it’s the worst time of the day.

Handhold Plankyplank I know you don't believe it now, but this time next year you'll look back on this time like a bad dream. Honestly, 37 is so young. There's so much more waiting for you. It isn't over.

I agree with all of the above but, unless you give yourself time to heal and manage to put the hurt behind you, any new relationship will struggle tbh. So much emotional baggage is hard for someone else to deal with so, first of all, be kind to yourself and get your head in a good place before you even start looking for love.

Sending a handhold, OP. Such a tough place to be. My wedding /rest of life plans blew up last year. I do console myself that Covid would have been a lot worse locked up with him.

You are right, you are grieving and this is what it feels like. As terrible as it feels, it means you are normal.

I don’t think you have yet truly recognized what a bullet you dodged. Having a child with someone so cruel that he could laugh at the loss of a child would have been a true nightmare. He would have gotten around to treating your child in way that you could not abide.

Take care of yourself and each day you will get stronger and grieve a bit less. Give yourself time to grief, and expect it to continue in waves until it dissipates.

In the end you will be different - better, stronger and yes with some scars but the kind that make you wiser and able to embark upon a better life than you could have had with this man.

It’s going to be okay. You’re going to be okay.

Hey Planky, been thinking of you. How you doing?

Just to say I haven’t forgotten you. I’ve been checking in each day- I hope you’re doing ok

Ah op if it is any consolation you are not the only/first/last person to experience this, but of course it feels the worst when it is you. I broke up with someone at 32, thought sod them I will get on with it, sorted myself out work/home wise, then got diagnosed with a rare progressive condition 4 years later that might get worse during pregnancy. But here is the thing.

You have to feel your feelings. You have to allow a little discomfort. The only way through to feel the whole range of emotions again (which include joy, excitement, hope etc.) is to grieve a bit, rant a bit, accept a bit etc. Be kind to yourself, enjoy yourself, forget the 'one path' to happiness idea, there are loads of paths, don't project into the future on the basis of how you feel now. We heal around the scars. You must do this work to heal as everyday you don't, you risk wallowing and becoming your own barrier. Set yourself small goals, deadlines but above all enjoyable activities along the way. Never feel you can't tell friends as they are too busy, this is life, everyone is busy but a chat, a coffee, a message, people make time. Reach out to family too.

I am now 40 and single and feel really optimistic. I wish I'd had a little coach along the way but in reality I learned to be my own coach and I am way stronger and better for it! Life throws stuff at you but you are stronger than I think.

I'm going to give you some tough love OP. You've got to stop describing yourself as 'broken' and 'in pieces'. You might feel that way, but it isn't serving you to keep reiterating it to yourself. Call the situation what it actually is - you are hugely disappointed that your last relationship came to an end. You feel jealous of other people's happiness and can't celebrate with them. You feel pessimistic about the future.
Sure, you have some healing to do. But you are young - spoken as a 51 year old.
With your current feelings you are not going to make anyone a good partner. So don't put yourself through online dating right now. Grieve what you lost as long as you want, but know that you have the power to heal yourself.
Don't engage in this negative, self-indulgent cycle of telling yourself how broken you are. Tell yourself that it happened and now you are dealing well.
I found the most amazing man when I was 48. It can happen at any age. I understand you want children and you still have time. But you need to lose the anger first. Bitterness is not your friend. Anybody who has experienced a break up knows how painful it is. You are not the first, you won't be the last. Good things are around the corner. Will you be able to see them?