**Trigger Warning**Teacher-Pupil "affairs"?

[HarrietPotterska]

Just reading the thread about scandals at school and was shocked by how many people are saying that there were teacher-pupil relationships. It's touched a nerve for me as I was abused by a teacher, when I was in Year 8.

Does anyone here have experience of this? I'm interested whether people look back and don't consider it abuse? (Mine definitely was, I was 12).

Have NC for this as it's a sensitive topic.

It hasn't happened to me but I know of teacher student relationships with girls in sixth form. That was completely inappropriate - they were 16/17. The fact that you were in Y8 would certainly be beyond being inappropriate.

Why trigger? Happened loads in the past.

I'm sorry that happened to you 💐. It's so horrible how proplee who are put in such positions of trust, abuse their powers.

@PartoftheProbl3m

Why trigger? Happened loads in the past.

Because it is NOT ok for teachers to have relationships with students. Just because it happened loads, it doesn't make it ok.

It's not an "affair" it's abuse.

I did comment on that thread. My relative was abused by a teacher and it tore all of our lives apart. We still feel the repercussions. It is definitely not an affair!!! It’s simply abuse.

That is definitely not ok OP.
I however went to the pub just before sixth year (age 17) and got chatting to a guy I liked who gave me and my friend a lift home. Next week I a new lab technician started work at my school - it was him!!!
Nothing happened between us thank goodness. He must have been 23 but I thought he was about 21 and he thought I was 19.

Why trigger? Happened loads in the past

It's not an "affair" it's abuse

This.

It happened at our school and the teacher was in a long term relationship with another teacher who had his child. I was taught by her the day she found out he’d been seeing a 15 year old she was so broken. I felt sorry for both of them. They were both truly victims of an evil scumbag. These teachers should be jailed just cos it happened in the past doesn’t make it acceptable.

When I was at school 25ish years ago there were two teachers who went on to marry sixth-form pupils once they'd left and weirdly, this wasn't seen as that weird. Tbh I don't know whether the relationships started whilst they were still at sixth-form or not. It didn't help that we lived in a small town and sixth-formers having a drink in the pub with teachers on a Friday night was fairly normal. Actually thinking about it, at the school on the other side of town a teacher and sixth-former also got engaged the year after she left, but that got broken off pretty quickly. Strange times!!

Former head of Ofsted Chris Woodhead is married to a former sixth form pupil of his and no one seemed particularly bothered while he was head of Ofsted, and this was fairly recent. Of course it's abuse!

the day she found out he’d been seeing a 15 year old she was so broken

Abusing, not "seeing". It's not a relationship, it's abuse.

Finding out your partner and the father of your child is a child abuser must be really traumatic.

Op, as I am sure you know, this kind of abuse generally involves extensive grooming such that the victim believes they were loved and in a relationship. Some never break that spell. It can also be a protective thing to insist it was not abuse - acknowledging to yourself that you were abused can be utterly devastating.

So I expect some of those insisting such abuse is not abuse are victims themselves, and others are merely the product of our toxic society.

I'm sorry for what happened to you, and that our society still excuses and normalises it by calling such abuse "affairs" / "relationships" etc. You deserved to be protected.

Thanks to everyone that's rightly said that it is abuse. I'm of the opinion that if you're in Y12 or 13, it's still abuse! Sadly I was Y8 (so 12), I thought I was in love. I was not, I was disgustingly abused and I think I have been so very damaged by the experience.

I guess I'm interested in people's responses as it seems like it was really very common (albeit with older girls). It breaks my heart. I don't want any one to think it's okay, even if they're Year 12, rather than 12. I'm in a very privileged position to work with teens, nowadays. Even 17-18 year olds are so very young.

You know that it is actually classed as abusive now though? Even with Y12 and Y13.

@Feenie, yes, absolutely! I think what I was getting at is the tone with which lots of people were saying it was normal, even if it was a "scandal" it seemed normal

OP I’m so sorry to hear your experience, and others who have experienced similar.

I had a “relationship” with my teacher for 18 months, most of my sixth form life. I do know inside that it wasn’t really a relationship, that it was abuse, but I have still not fully grasped this. It was my first everything - my first “boyfriend”, I lost my virginity, etc. The fact that this was statutory rape has not passed me by but again, I can’t get my head around that.

I’ve considered posting on mumsnet before about it. It was 17 years ago and I still think about it a lot so it’s clearly affected me. I just don’t really know what to do about it.

@user183684257424 if you had bothered to read my comment all the way through you would see that I had said they were both victims. I chose the word seeing rather than dating as there is consent in dating and none in seeing. Maybe you try supporting the op rather than picking me up on my language

It became illegal to have a sexual relationship with Sixth Formers in 2002. I trained then and it was mentioned in a safeguarding session. Before that it was frowned upon, but legal. This might help to explain why, especially in people over 45, it wasn't uncommon for a teacher to be married to an ex pupil.

The teachers were allowed to date sixth form pupils in my secondary in the 90’s. I remember being very shocked when one of the Male teachers was openly affectionate to the older girl he was in a relationship with 😮

One at our school. Not sure how old he was, but she was 16. They're still together, married and with three children 20 years later

A PE teacher from our school was due to be up in court for abuse of a 14 year old girl, this was just before lockdown though so I assume it's not progressing at the moment. There was also a geography teacher who was well known as being predatory towards his female pupils, so I wonder if it's only a matter of time before he's in trouble. I hope so!
This was in the 80s/90s

@PartoftheProbl3m

Why trigger? Happened loads in the past.

You are indeed 'part of the problem'

There is a trigger warning because young people have been abused. Lives have been destroyed. Mental health issues for life created.

But yeah, it happened loads in the past so that's ok

Yes it’s abuse.

Happened in my school, a girl in my class, she would have been 13 at the time. I am horrified when I look back because adults must have known. Maybe something was done (he left), maybe she got support, but it was obvious for a several months and they weren’t massively discrete. As a naive child in the 80s, personally, I didn’t believe the rumours, and also didn’t understand how abusive this was.

It absolutely did happen. And I’ve looked the teacher up on social media more recently and you can see the pattern of his behaviour. A sporadic CV, our school not on his CV, and later arrests and court cases.

Many school staff of the past should be ashamed of themselves for turning a blind eye to this abuse.

The problem is, many normal practices from the past are now rightly considered abuse. It’s hard to apply 2020 judgement onto 1990 practices.

I would like to think there have been changes in the past decade in schools and teaching. It is seen as abuse and completely unacceptable now in teaching. You would be banned from teaching if this was to happen now.

Although I say that, you only need to look at the teacher misconduct hearings online and a lot are male secondary teachers who have been inappropriate or have abused girls. I'd like to think they are held to account now.