7yo and 5yo don’t play with toys anymore - normal?

[BotBotticelli]

I have two boys age 7 and 5 (Y1 and Y3). They are not interested in toys at all anymore- the only things they want to do at home are computer games - either Roblox on the iPad or PS4 games including Fortnite.

They are great outdoors and we do lots of outdoors stuff together as a family on weekends: bike rides, long yomps through parks, day trips to the beach etc (tier 1!). The older one does Beavers, swimming lessons and athletics club weekly. We are trying to get the little one into a dance or gymnastics class as he’s expressed an interest. And in the summer they would happily spend a while playing in the garden on swings/in paddling pool etc (but obvs that’s out now with this weather).

But in the house it’s screens or nothing. They’re not really even interested in watching films anymore - just games. We have a house rule which says no iPads until after lunch because I think Roblox is awful - but then in the morning (if we are at home) they’ll flit between TV and PS4 and bare chest wrestling/sofa jumping 🙄

I feel quite anxious about it, like I’m failing as a mum in some way, and they should be sitting at the table crafting or making lego models or playing board games together or something....but the truth is DH and I both work in very stressful full time jobs (both from home since Feb) so I’m actually quite glad they’ll play quietly on their screens after school for a couple of hours, allowing me to finish my working day and then get the dinner on.

DH tells me not to stress and says loads of kids must be like this these days. But I can’t shake the weird guilts about it. In case it matters they’re both doing well at school - they’re well behaved in class, do their school reading with us and do their homework...they know how to be polite (don’t always do it with us tho...!) and love normal kids treats like trips to farms, zoos, funfairs etc so they’re not complete gaming zombies...

Does this sound like anyone else’s family life? Please tel me if you’re in the same boat!

Mine are 6 and 3 and the older one will still spend hours playing with vehicles, especially the wooden train track, and also building vehicle-related things in Lego. He has never had any interest in craft/colouring/drawing but will occasionally write stories. He would definitely spend hours on screens if we let him. It's not easy though when you're working from home too. Good luck!

Your children do a wider variety of things than my children, we are self building and we live in tiny accommodation on site so they have so few toys it is unreal and me and dh spend ALL our time building so rarely take the kids anywhere. They spend all their time in their imaginations outside (hours daily) or, about the same amount of time as yours are on the computer, watching tv. I worry about my kids but can't do much about it at the moment and hopefully it's not for forever. But I don't think they are really lacking in crucial development particularly.
I actually think your kids sound ok, the fact they play for an hour here and there not hours at a time sounds to me like they can leave it when they need to, so not overly attached and the fact that they have so much other interesting things in their regular week means it's not a major issue. I don't think you can make a child be interested in a toy they aren't.

DS is 8 and he has never been interested in toys, other than Lego. He never engaged with imaginative play. He would now spend all day on Minecraft if he was allowed, but we have imposed screen free days and strict limits on the days he is allowed them.

However, it hasn't made him play with toys, since he just buries himself in a book instead. He will spend hours reading. I was the same at his age, I think some kids are better at playing with toys than others.

Sorry haven’t read replies but we had a very similar situation here and I felt the same.

My boys would whinge and moan unless they were on a screen - constantly bored etc. A few weeks into this term I banned all gaming mon-thurs and only allowed tv for one hour after tea. It was hell for about 3 days and then they realised I meant it.

They have got back into playing with their hotwheels sets, lego, playmobil etc. Half term I have removed restriction so expecting a battle next week but I know now that it will be worth it!

I found I had to sit and play with them the first couple of days as they were lost and overwhelmed but it soon clicked back into place.

Good luck OP it will be worth it!

One of the things that makes DH reluctant to let DS game is that it can make them inactive - just sat around on the tablet, even when time limits are imposed. With toys, they tend to shuffle around into different positions as they play. DS isn’t much of reader (but loves stories) and I pointed out to DH that if he was, and was obsessed with reading, he’d be sat in the same sedentary position reading! So in some ways, even though he’d be doing something valuable (reading), it’s the same physical effect DH is worried about.

I really don’t think there’s any perfect scenario. Your boys sounds like their lives are hugely balanced in other ways, and yes in an ideal world, they’d have more imaginative play. But in an ideal world, my hugely imaginative boy would like reading 🤷🏻‍♀️

Oh and re: fortnite... we stopped by 8 yr old playing it. My eldest who is 11is allowed but it was too addictive for my 8yr old. When you finish a game there is so much temptation to just try another one to see if you can do better. Temptation to purchase v bucks to help you do better etc.

I dislike the language he was using referring to killing others and specific weapons. I felt it was way too young for him. My 11yr old plays it’s and is able to self regulate more and understands not to talk about killing others etc so he’s mature enough to play.

Every kid is different but there’s a reason it’s a 12 and there’s plenty of other age suitable games for them. My 8yr old now plays Splatoon on his Switch which seems to have been a good swap for fortnite!

DS (nearly 8) would be on his nintendo switch all day every day if I let him. He plays Fifa and Mario (mostly). I had to limit it because it turns him into a different person. He gets aggressive, can’t focus at all.
As for toys, he only really plays Lego and board games. He loves playing outside though and riding his bike. He also reads a lot. So it’s not the lack of interest in toys but the screen time itself that was the problem for us.
I think you should trust your instincts and limit screen time if it concerns you.

You are the parent; just stop the screens more! Limit to one hour a day, every other day for example.

Toys are not going to win over the addictive nature of gaming. Agree with the PP who says restrict to weekends.

They are too young for Fortnite. It is age rated for a reason. The point of the game is killing.

It's hard. But you are doing so much great stuff already, a few changes should be manageable.

When our dc started becoming so obsessed with their tablets that they stopped playing with their toys, we got rid of the tablets! A bit extreme maybe, but there are years and years of technology ahead but only a small window of 'play'. As a result, our nearly 10yo still plays regularly with her sylvanians and her xmas list is just toys toys toys :)

@GorgeousLadyofWrestling

Mine are almost the opposite, but I am not sure that’s the best thing either. They have a tablet but very basic games on them - just the ones that came free with it, so they play a bit but it’s not a massive addiction. Maybe once or twice a week. But they also have a lot of screen time in other ways - tv and watching you tube.

DS just turned 8 and spent the entire day building his new Lego sets. He is obsessed and spends hours and days making up stories to film stop motion films, using his Lego. He spends his pocket money on spare parts from eBay to build his creations and has a great imagination. But he really does get hugely addicted to things and whilst it might be ok that he’s channeling that into understanding stop motion techniques, the same tendencies wouldn’t be good for gaming so it’s for this reason we’ve not allowed Minecraft yet. But we can see he’s now reaching an age where his friends are ONLY interested in Minecraft so it’s all they talk about - and DS has nothing to offer or can’t join in. DH and I are discussing whether to let him play Minecraft or not in lieu of other screen usage. Minecraft seems the most benign way to go - we definitely would not allow anything like Fortnite. And he still had to be doing other things outside of gaming - like you OP, we’re very outdoorsy and he also plays chess and loves family card games so there’s enough other things to keep variety.

It’s so hard though and I do think some of it comes down to personality. If not toys though, perhaps there’s other things you could suggest to fire up their imaginative play. It doesn’t have to be toys necessarily.

Minecraft is a lovely game for an 8 year old, it is really creative and if your boy is into lego he will love it. My boys all love lego and adore minecraft too. There are also good videos on kidsyoutube of older kids playing minecraft and teaching little tricks, which he will love to watch. Minecraft compliments maths, geometry, history- it is really educational, in my humble opinion x also, yes, as you say, all the other children talk about it at school so it's a lovely thing to connect them to other children and make new friends.

@babyguffingtonstrikesagain

When our dc started becoming so obsessed with their tablets that they stopped playing with their toys, we got rid of the tablets! A bit extreme maybe, but there are years and years of technology ahead but only a small window of 'play'. As a result, our nearly 10yo still plays regularly with her sylvanians and her xmas list is just toys toys toys :)

Yes I agree, this is why I stopped the laptop during the week (and tablet). Now they really look forward to the weekends where they can play minecraft for a longer time, but I get them to be kids a bit longer during the week!

@mooity

Oh and re: fortnite... we stopped by 8 yr old playing it. My eldest who is 11is allowed but it was too addictive for my 8yr old. When you finish a game there is so much temptation to just try another one to see if you can do better. Temptation to purchase v bucks to help you do better etc.

I dislike the language he was using referring to killing others and specific weapons. I felt it was way too young for him. My 11yr old plays it’s and is able to self regulate more and understands not to talk about killing others etc so he’s mature enough to play.

Every kid is different but there’s a reason it’s a 12 and there’s plenty of other age suitable games for them. My 8yr old now plays Splatoon on his Switch which seems to have been a good swap for fortnite!

On Google play store it's rated 7 though. My 9yo has been pestering me for it but we've said no...

@ClaireP20 thank you for that, that’s what I’m leaning towards. He needs social connection and he if he doesn’t have that, then his needs aren’t being met. It’s a balance of everything, right?

I reluctantly let my daughter go on Roblox during lockdown but she was told clearly when school reopened, it would be a weekend treat that would be earned. So far, so good and although she asks nearly every day if she can go on it after school, the answer is always no and if there is any arguments, she will lose time at the weekends too. She soon finds things to do. Screens are a very handy tool that give us time to get jobs done or give us a bit of peace and quiet but you have to be quite strict so they know it is a treat not a right.

7yo and 5yo don’t play with toys anymore - normal?

Not sure about normal or how common this is. Sounds like you are a very active outdoorsy family, which is brilliant. How about learning an instrument, doing puzzles or board games together or a change?

Screen addiction is a real phenomenon. My nephew was addicted to online gaming due to the social aspect and had to repeat a year in school as he completely disengaged with real-life. He's ok now but for 2-3 years my brother and SIL were so worried about him. Games and online systems are addictive by design in the way they engage our brains.

Could you get your kids into other hobbies such as photography, cooking drawing, playing an instrument etc?

Maybe google Psychology Today - how young is too young to play Fortnite.
I’m a primary school teacher and see daily the consequences of Fortnite on the social interaction and play skills of children - especially the 7/8 year olds who recently started playing during lockdown.
It really does appear to create a lack of empathy in previously well adjusted children - it had been to linked to lots of break time behaviour problems. When, however, we speak to parents about it being inappropriate the majority think that because other children play it, it’s ok. It really isn’t - and as pp have said there are alternatives.

It sounds like they have a great balance now with outdoor and indoor. I think the problem with so much gaming Is that it’s addictive as others have said. You are able to manage that now with your children so little as they just get up and go out with you when you tell them you’re off to the park etc. The problem will come when they get a bit older and don’t want to do the kiddy outdoors stuff any more but have no other interests except gaming. Then they’ll be gaming al the time.
They reallly need to have their screen access restricted now while they are young enough to work through the being bored phase and to find other interests again.
If no screens are on offer then they will start to
Do something else...drawing, painting, Lego, board games, reading, model making, chess, making their own videos/animations/comics. There must be something they would go for...

I have witnessed first hand a small child addicted to Fortnite. The only way I could get him to engage in something else was by playing a 'shoot- em- up' game old style (running around in costumes with pretend guns). When I pretended to die, he came over to my knights helmet, flipped open the visor and pretended to shoot me in the face. I cried. This child is five.

I bet you do more outdoorsy things than a lot of the posters criticising you. Screen time in of itself isn’t necessarily bad but I’d be worried if they couldn’t do anything else when at home because being bored is good for them and brings out a lot of creativity.

You sound a bit stressed so don’t feel bad. But I’d try to reduce gaming, they are young. I’d get rid of Fortnite.

I’d go for Lego as an easy way in. Get them concentrating on instructions and building. Then other stuff. We seem to do a lot of fimo atm.

What is wrong with screen time?

I just want to jump on this thread and see what the outcome was? My son is almost 5 however not interested in screens at all but also not interested in any of his toys and never plays with them. He’s very outdoorsy and to be honest the only thing that keeps his interest and he wants to do is go on his small motorbike (recently moved him up to a petrol motorbike from a electric) but this isn’t something you can do on a school night as you have to book into places to do this so we’re really struggling to keep him occupied during the week. He loves pretend play which involves us being monsters and chasing him around but this gets exhausting after around an hour. Any advice?

Does he have a trampoline? Dd was a bit like this. Trampoline was brilliant.

Can't remember what I initially posted on here, but my outcomes are these:

Ds= one who loved toys and and imaginative play: avid gamer, but mainly 1st person narrative type ones.

Dd = good at lego, didn't really ever have the imagination to play: massively into makeup and gymnastics. Likes a bit of Roblox with her mates. Still not very imaginative, but creative with makeup.