7yo and 5yo don’t play with toys anymore - normal?

[BotBotticelli]

I have two boys age 7 and 5 (Y1 and Y3). They are not interested in toys at all anymore- the only things they want to do at home are computer games - either Roblox on the iPad or PS4 games including Fortnite.

They are great outdoors and we do lots of outdoors stuff together as a family on weekends: bike rides, long yomps through parks, day trips to the beach etc (tier 1!). The older one does Beavers, swimming lessons and athletics club weekly. We are trying to get the little one into a dance or gymnastics class as he’s expressed an interest. And in the summer they would happily spend a while playing in the garden on swings/in paddling pool etc (but obvs that’s out now with this weather).

But in the house it’s screens or nothing. They’re not really even interested in watching films anymore - just games. We have a house rule which says no iPads until after lunch because I think Roblox is awful - but then in the morning (if we are at home) they’ll flit between TV and PS4 and bare chest wrestling/sofa jumping 🙄

I feel quite anxious about it, like I’m failing as a mum in some way, and they should be sitting at the table crafting or making lego models or playing board games together or something....but the truth is DH and I both work in very stressful full time jobs (both from home since Feb) so I’m actually quite glad they’ll play quietly on their screens after school for a couple of hours, allowing me to finish my working day and then get the dinner on.

DH tells me not to stress and says loads of kids must be like this these days. But I can’t shake the weird guilts about it. In case it matters they’re both doing well at school - they’re well behaved in class, do their school reading with us and do their homework...they know how to be polite (don’t always do it with us tho...!) and love normal kids treats like trips to farms, zoos, funfairs etc so they’re not complete gaming zombies...

Does this sound like anyone else’s family life? Please tel me if you’re in the same boat!

Interested to see why there’s so much concern about Fortnite - can I ask why that game is perceived to be so bad?

I have watched my sons play it and actually think it’s quite good - the graphics are incredible and they just spend the time creeping around, building up their stash of weapons and trying to be the last person standing...it’s not gory, or frightening or “violent” per say....ok, sure, the aim is to shoot the other players but it’s not realistic, you’re not “shooting people”, you’re kinda vaporising cartoon characters (it’s a nuanced difference for some, I am sure), and it doesn’t seem any different to me from the “Lara Croft Tomb Raider” games that me and my brother used to spend hours playing on our Sega Master system in the early 90s...?

To be clear - my sons don’t have any “interactive” function enabled on their PlayStation so they can’t talk to anyone else playing the game online. And I wouldn’t add that function as clearly I don’t want them talking to strangers on the internet.

@BotBotticelli the actual game play is ok, there are good opportunities for collaboration, hand eye coordination and fun with friends.

I don't love the focus on guns but that's not a deal breaker for me, what does really worry me is the addictiveness for young kids, the opportunity for befriending by others and the pressure to spend real life money on in game items and skins (often coming from real world friends who play it, or if your kids have open access to YouTube a lot of kids spend a lot more time watching Fortnite related content on there). I think that supervised and played together it might be ok for a 7 year old, though really there's a reason it's rated 12+. Not at all unsupervised though and not for a 5 year old.

Not my situation but my friends child no longer plays with toys at 7 and I do think that’s pretty sad. I think back to my mums childhood though and they were out all day running the streets, finding entertainment in local green spaces and just hanging out with friends.

So maybe it’s ansolutely fine as long as they’re not on screens constantly.

It’s not unusual for 8 yr olds to be turning away from toys and preferring computer games. We’re starting to see it with some of dds school friends who only want to play Roblox (more so the boys I have to say).

I don’t think you can force an interest in toys. They either are really into playmobil or Lego or arts etc or they’re not. You can however limit screen time.

We have the opposite problem, dd is really into toys and reading. I worry she’ll struggle to find common things to do with friends as she gets older so am in the weird position of contemplating encouraging Roblox!

Just on the fortnite issue, a year or so ago we had a letter home from our headteacher suggesting to parents that her strong advice, and that of our local council's IT advice service (or whatever it is called) was that fortnite should not be played by primary age children. Apparently some of the content can be quite inappropriate snd it was leading to very poor behaviour at school. That's all I know about it, but thought it was worth mentioning.

Mine are 10 and 7 and have access to the family iPad and iMac, but only for limited time each day.

2 dds here also 5 and 7. Probably polar opposite to your dc, not huge fans of leaving the house at all but happy with craft, imaginative play etc. Mainly dressing up, they like to be the main event rather than small world play.

We have a den building kit for inside which they like, and they make vehicles or castles with delivery boxes. They also like doing yoga or keep fit youtube videos.

DD1 is an absolute nightmare with screens so we don't do gaming. I'm a bit underwhelmed that her Y3 homework always includes a maths app because it always ends in tears!

My year 1 and year 3 sons would absolutely choose screens over toys if I let them - we don't allow screens every day and we don't have set days for them either. I don't want them to expect the screens because when they do they refuse to try and play with anything else.

Weekends are different, I allow screens more than I probably should and that's mainly because of the extra work I have to do from home and I need quiet (teacher - marking and planning). But saying that, like you, we are out of the house most of the time so I think it's balanced.

They do enjoy playing with figures more than anything, my eldest likes drawing and this has been a recent thing (not bothered before the summer). They also like games like Giggle Wiggle and Soggy Doggy. I don't allow Roblox and they haven't expressed and interest in Fortnite. The issue with Fortnite is the fact that it is addictive, this is true of any games but that one has been proven cause more issues amongst young people due to addiction. I haven't got proof of this, I was told this during a training session at work. So that's why I don't allow it.

My ds 7 is very similar, he loves buying a toy, not so much playing it. It may not be ideal but I think it is very common. Lockdown hasn't helped. Perhaps try reducing the screen time a small amount each day.

I have 2 DS, younger one is 9, my kids don't play with toys too and they haven't done for at least 2 years, my younger DS likes Fortnite a bit too much, the older one likes Fifa, so we don't let them play games during the school week, gaming hasn't affected their behaviours and they are both academically strong. I don't think you should force playing with toys, actually my kids seem to think their age mates that still play with toys are "babies".

I woukd say bikes and footballs are toys to play with, so maybe their interests have just changed? It would worry me if they arent using their imagination at all, and playing is a very helpful activity for kids psychologically and allows them to process their experiences, so I would continue to encourage it.

I work with teenagers, and most can be supported to play in an age appropriate way, its just that their play might be a card game, or Just Dance, or a creative make up session.

Interesting thread - DS1 is nearly 6, we bought him a tablet during lockdown and introduced him to the PlayStation for our sanity / we have definitely been too lax with screen time since then and it is helpful to read how others have proactively this. However he only plays what I consider to be age appropriate games - no fortnite / roblox / YouTube etc, just the lego games, Lego worlds imo has quite a lot of educational benefit! However despite the screen time he is still, like yours OP, well behaved and achieving well at school, no behavioural concerns, healthy, he also enjoys playing outdoors and is great on a walk or bike ride. He is not a great crafter but he does play with toys and particularly a lot of imaginative play, but he sometimes needs help to get started. I’m not too concerned but I would like to set more limits around it so this is useful. DS2 is only 18 mo so thankfully not an issue for him!

*proactively reduced

all this hand wringing about screen time wears me out tbh. My DC have unlimited screen time. They do well at school and are not addicted.

No gaming in bedrooms and bed by around 9 pm has served us well.

DS1 is nearly 15 and has his own business making videos for clients with clips of their game play through Fiverr. He has made hundreds of pounds doing this in his spare time. He will no doubt do something techy as a career.

Honestly screen time is not the devil its made out to be. Let your DC regulate themselves to a certain extent

@BotBotticelli

Interested to see why there’s so much concern about Fortnite - can I ask why that game is perceived to be so bad?

I have watched my sons play it and actually think it’s quite good - the graphics are incredible and they just spend the time creeping around, building up their stash of weapons and trying to be the last person standing...it’s not gory, or frightening or “violent” per say....ok, sure, the aim is to shoot the other players but it’s not realistic, you’re not “shooting people”, you’re kinda vaporising cartoon characters (it’s a nuanced difference for some, I am sure), and it doesn’t seem any different to me from the “Lara Croft Tomb Raider” games that me and my brother used to spend hours playing on our Sega Master system in the early 90s...?

To be clear - my sons don’t have any “interactive” function enabled on their PlayStation so they can’t talk to anyone else playing the game online. And I wouldn’t add that function as clearly I don’t want them talking to strangers on the internet.

Fortnite is fine. Its a tame shoot em up type game.

Parents seem to get all het uo about it being addictive but tbh its no worse than Minecraft etc.

DS1 (14) loved it for a while and now never plays, DS2 really has never been interested.

If as parents you ban your DC from such games, that is where they become addictive. Forbidden fruit if you like

Honestly I think they are too young to play those games, especially the little one.
But could be hard to row back from it.
Won't they play with lego together?

I think they are to young for fortnite

There are lots of nicer games out there , including lots of fun Educational ones

That’s crazy. Take away the iPads and give them an hour on one day of the weekend, if that. Say a firm no otherwise. Roblox and Fortnite are not for kids that age.

I get that this pandemic is monstrous and we are working so much harder than ever before with scary health concerns and kids under our feet and it’s all bloody hard. I get that. But the screen time issue for kids is problematic and real. You’d never consider giving your kids drugs or alcohol or something else awful and addictive to allow you to get your work done and if it gets to a point where kids just hang out for screen time then it’s become a harmful addiction. The fact that you’ve posted shows you know it’s becoming an issue and it’s not parenting you’re comfortable with. Just put it away. Send them to after school clubs if you need to work. It’s not possible for you to work and parent at the same time (I know we have all had to do that recently but it’s impossible to do both well).

My children are 8, 6 and 2. Oldest DC has ASD and screens are his sanctuary - he loves Pokémon games and movies, YouTube videos about all sorts, both educational and plain daft, Harry Potter, all kinds of stuff. He saved for and bought his own Nintendo switch. He has very limited imaginative play skills, doesn't do role play at all, will sometimes play Lego and board games, hates craft. Also very good outdoors with bikes, scooters etc.

As a result of his preferences, which we take seriously because he can be very disruptive if not comfortable and calm, we have allowed the other 2 to have very relaxed access to tablets and TV, and have found that they generally self regulate. We are strict on all screens off at 6pm, and no screens on until fully dressed and washed for the day, but that's pretty much it. Their free time is theirs, and I don't believe that they are being 'damaged' by their chosen activities - of course if something wasn't age appropriate we'd stop it, but so far that's never been a problem.

I read something recently that said to problem solve the issue - is it about being sedentary, or lack of other skills, or just a prejudice against screen based entertainment? Once you've figured out the issue, problem solve it together. I was worried about DC1 being too sedentary, so we talked it through with him and set a timer for every 45 minutes, if it's dry out he does some trampolining, if it's raining we do a go noodle video together or play catch for a few minutes.

Mine would play on minecraft all day long if they could! Every night before bed they go and play Lego in their rooms (lego tables) but they don't play with toys as such (similar age to yours). However I recently made a rule of no screens before school, including tv. I don't have it on at all before school. A pain for me really, but I am determined to stick to it. And then about an hour before bed, no screens at all, just reading or lego. I just got to the point where I missed them, if that made sense, so something had to change..

Also, just to mention - mine aren't allowed to play fortnite because honestly that is really addictive, and I say that as a laid back mum

@BotBotticelli

Interested to see why there’s so much concern about Fortnite - can I ask why that game is perceived to be so bad?

I have watched my sons play it and actually think it’s quite good - the graphics are incredible and they just spend the time creeping around, building up their stash of weapons and trying to be the last person standing...it’s not gory, or frightening or “violent” per say....ok, sure, the aim is to shoot the other players but it’s not realistic, you’re not “shooting people”, you’re kinda vaporising cartoon characters (it’s a nuanced difference for some, I am sure), and it doesn’t seem any different to me from the “Lara Croft Tomb Raider” games that me and my brother used to spend hours playing on our Sega Master system in the early 90s...?

To be clear - my sons don’t have any “interactive” function enabled on their PlayStation so they can’t talk to anyone else playing the game online. And I wouldn’t add that function as clearly I don’t want them talking to strangers on the internet.

Firstly I think it is rated 13. And secondly I urge you to google 'why is fortnite bad'.

Mine are 9 and 6 and similar. Would both spend all day on their iPads if they could (minecraft and sonic, no fortnite allowed here either) They have roughly an hour a day during the week and more at the weekend. I aim to have one day a week where they don’t have them.

DS 6 will entertain himself with other toys, ds 9 is just not interested anymore. If he’s not on his iPad or watching tv he just reads a book or plays in the garden which he’s perfectly happy with. Even when he was younger he was never really that into toys so I think it’s just how it is and I tend to just go with it.

I think the thing about screen time / games is it’s so stimulating and exciting and addictive that everything else pales in comparison.

What kind of play were they into before screens took over OP? Can you expand on the kinds of things they liked ie more advanced version of what they had as they get older?

My year one kid is not into jigsaws or crafts either really unless I sit beside him and encourage him all the way through. He was a terrible player as a preschooler (lacked imaginative play etc) but as he’s got older is now into magnetic toys like magnatiles and magformers , also marble run. Cause and effect. Not so much Lego. There are more advanced marble run/magnetic toys such as GraviTrax and Q-BA-Maze that I’m looking at for when he’s closer to 7. He’s getting a pinball/bagatelle type game for Xmas as he’s really into those. Do your friends have some toys like these you could borrow for a fortnight to see if they’re up their street? My son is never going to be the kind charging round dressed up as a knight fighting dragons but he’s quite absorbed by other things. He’s also now v much into board games, scrabble etc and card games like dobble.

I left my xh because of his obsession with computer games. I say to might kids that the TV will be going off til teatime so they might as well find something to do.

Mine are almost the opposite, but I am not sure that’s the best thing either. They have a tablet but very basic games on them - just the ones that came free with it, so they play a bit but it’s not a massive addiction. Maybe once or twice a week. But they also have a lot of screen time in other ways - tv and watching you tube.

DS just turned 8 and spent the entire day building his new Lego sets. He is obsessed and spends hours and days making up stories to film stop motion films, using his Lego. He spends his pocket money on spare parts from eBay to build his creations and has a great imagination. But he really does get hugely addicted to things and whilst it might be ok that he’s channeling that into understanding stop motion techniques, the same tendencies wouldn’t be good for gaming so it’s for this reason we’ve not allowed Minecraft yet. But we can see he’s now reaching an age where his friends are ONLY interested in Minecraft so it’s all they talk about - and DS has nothing to offer or can’t join in. DH and I are discussing whether to let him play Minecraft or not in lieu of other screen usage. Minecraft seems the most benign way to go - we definitely would not allow anything like Fortnite. And he still had to be doing other things outside of gaming - like you OP, we’re very outdoorsy and he also plays chess and loves family card games so there’s enough other things to keep variety.

It’s so hard though and I do think some of it comes down to personality. If not toys though, perhaps there’s other things you could suggest to fire up their imaginative play. It doesn’t have to be toys necessarily.