7yo and 5yo don’t play with toys anymore - normal?

[BotBotticelli]

I have two boys age 7 and 5 (Y1 and Y3). They are not interested in toys at all anymore- the only things they want to do at home are computer games - either Roblox on the iPad or PS4 games including Fortnite.

They are great outdoors and we do lots of outdoors stuff together as a family on weekends: bike rides, long yomps through parks, day trips to the beach etc (tier 1!). The older one does Beavers, swimming lessons and athletics club weekly. We are trying to get the little one into a dance or gymnastics class as he’s expressed an interest. And in the summer they would happily spend a while playing in the garden on swings/in paddling pool etc (but obvs that’s out now with this weather).

But in the house it’s screens or nothing. They’re not really even interested in watching films anymore - just games. We have a house rule which says no iPads until after lunch because I think Roblox is awful - but then in the morning (if we are at home) they’ll flit between TV and PS4 and bare chest wrestling/sofa jumping 🙄

I feel quite anxious about it, like I’m failing as a mum in some way, and they should be sitting at the table crafting or making lego models or playing board games together or something....but the truth is DH and I both work in very stressful full time jobs (both from home since Feb) so I’m actually quite glad they’ll play quietly on their screens after school for a couple of hours, allowing me to finish my working day and then get the dinner on.

DH tells me not to stress and says loads of kids must be like this these days. But I can’t shake the weird guilts about it. In case it matters they’re both doing well at school - they’re well behaved in class, do their school reading with us and do their homework...they know how to be polite (don’t always do it with us tho...!) and love normal kids treats like trips to farms, zoos, funfairs etc so they’re not complete gaming zombies...

Does this sound like anyone else’s family life? Please tel me if you’re in the same boat!

That's shocking, screens are destroying their normal childhoods.
When my son was a kid he painted and made models, played imaginative games, read books, built lego and all kinds of things. I didn't let him have anything like that until he was much much older, a teen.
Children need to be children and enough of the peer pressure already, just because Johnny down the road has all the latest screen stuff doesn't mean you have to buy it to.
Children need boundaries and happy memories. My sons childhood was full of happy memories. How can you have happy memories about screen time. Tragic, you should have said no a long time go.

I think it’s too much, I would ban screens Mon to Thurs. Don’t get me wrong I’m not against them (my kids watch loads of tv & do have the iPad / switch) but play is so important. I often turn the tv off and say “right go and play now”.

Mine are 3 & 5 - my 5 year old is definitely all for play: imaginative with or without toys, puzzles / jigsaws, crafting (aquabeads / drawing / colouring). I wouldn’t be happy with him just being on screens but if he had the choice he would be! We also work full time so I know how hard it is.

It’s been a strange time, make some changes now & i’m betting they will go back to play.

Mine have the same access to screens as you describe, but both have SN. My eldest has no play skills whatsoever, no amount of free/unstructured time would get him to play with anything. He fills the instead time with bad behaviour and upsetting his siblings. Younger one has less significant SN, but older one will interrupt and distract her from play, and it's really distressing for her. So screens it is, until we're available to supervise play or take one of them out. Like you, we try and fill their time with activities out of the house (no garden here so can't send them outside), clubs and family activities and helping out round the house - it's the best we can do, and definitely at the moment!

My eight year old got hopelessly addicted to screens during lockdown. I’ve now banned them Monday to Friday except for homework activities. At first there was a lot of mooning around wailing “I’m boooooored” but after a period of adjustment he’s rediscovered Lego and will now play with it for hours.

Dd(10) has always been very good at amusing herself with toys/books/crafts, but even she got sucked into overdoing it with computer games during lockdown. They are very, very addictive, and I think need to be rationed carefully.

My 5 and almost 7 year old love their toys. They play with lego (a lot), Orchard games, crafts train set, RC cars. Dd (the five year old) plays with toy food, Barbies, her till, our generation doll etc. My older one loves Minecraft and is allowed 3 'turns' a week, he plays it on a laptop so it has to fit in around dps work and we don't have any Nintendo/ipads/ps4. They both like crafty things too. I'm not sure if my two aren't considered young for their age by other people though, a friend couldn't believe that my 5 year old still played with bath toys!

I think 5 and 7 is too young for Fortnite though.

Mine didnt have access to tech like that at 7, though would have spent all day watching tv if I had let her. So tv was turned off and playing (or other stuff) encouraged.

It sounds like your children have an addiction. That’s not your fault; these games are designed by people with PhDs in child psychology to be addictive to children, but it is your responsibility to deal with it. I personally would be tempted to take the fuses out of the plugs and turn off the electricity before you go to bed and then when they wake up you’ll all discover they’re “broken” by the “power cut”. But that might not be a great way out, I just hate being the bad guy. Whether you choose cold turkey or a screen limit each day or screen free days or anything else, it is important that you deal with this.

It sounds like you do lots of fun things with them, I wouldn't feel bad. Mine are too knackered after school to do much so they get TV while I sort dinner.

I should say we also have a 'no brain rot' rule. Basically they're occasionally allowed pointless apps or games like Minecraft, but the rest of it is educational programmes or YouTube channels. And as soon as they are separated (and therefore not going to cause trouble/be disturbed by the other one) then screens go off and they are expected to entertain themselves.

@motheroddragons - my 5 year old is not a “naughty child” though....despite playing fortnite he’s reading well above his age, is excellent with maths/numbers and is well behaved and polite at school. Sorry to disappoint you!

Just wanted to say thank you for your post. We are also battling some unhealthy routines since lockdown and are in a v v v similar boat so are greatful for the replies here. Reading with interest.

My 7yo boy gets addicted to youtube videos of other people playing minecraft so we don't allow any youtube at all monday to friday. He can do coding on the ipad or watch iplayer but he's not addicted to them so he'll often choose lego or drawing instead.

I can't help feeling you don't achieve anything banning ipad when they can just play ps4 instead. Why not have some times or days with neither? This is a good time to start because after a couple of week's without screens in the mornings or weekdays you can get them to make a santa list of non-digital toys.

Mine are a bit older (8) but we had to do a week cold turkey from all screens. ( it was hard!!) They play with toys now and earn screen time for the weekend. Fortnite is a 12 and no way I would let my two have it yet. At 5, DD would self limit screens, far more interested in toys. DS on the other hand....

Well, I feel terrible after reading this thread! My 8 year DD is high functioning ASD. She has attachment disorder and in the past, has suffered with high levels of anxiety. In school, her reading is great but she struggles with maths and writing. She used to play with toys, but never out of sight of her dad and I; she hates being on her own. She struggles to sleep and takes Melatonin for this. During lockdown, she began playing Roblox on the PC as a reward for completing work in homeschool. She is now addicted. She has violent outbursts and we were so thrilled she found an activity she was happy to play with alone, we let her play it pretty much when she wanted. Now, she's on a screen from the minute she wakes up, up until she goes to bed around the other activities we complete. We do go out for a long walk each day, I involve her in baking, she's often in school 7.30 until 5 and we fill our weekends with walks out/hiking etc. She will happily play in the street with her friends too. But, when at home, she'll only want to sit playing Roblox or watching YouTube. Sometimes for 7 hours a day. She can be violent and to be honest, my husband and I work long hours and are relieved to have piece and quiet. It's a horrible situation and I often wistfully day dream about compliant children who sit and craft/build lego etc.

I find offering them chores when they complain they're bored makes them much more likely to go and play with their toys

Op it is quite normal especially after lockdown. It is very hard to keep children away from screens and find a balance. My son has friends who are constantly on screens, much more than your boys. I think you just have to find where your boundaries are and agree them with your husband and follow through. In my house there are no computer games screens allowed term time Monday to Friday, it works for us. My 6 and 9 year old boys just have to read or play with Lego if they are bored and they play 2-3 instruments so the practice takes up too much time. Holidays and weekends I am much more relaxed about it, but I think we are too busy to do more than 2 hours with other stuff going on. We know people who do zero computer games and other families whose kids are allowed free access. If it starts interfering with a child’s mood, sleep, exercise habits and starts verging on addiction it is obviously a problem. If it doesn’t and everyone is happy, it is fine. It is about healthy boundaries.

It’s very hard. If I had my time again I’d hold out and not get the XBox until they were older - mine were 7& 9 or 6 & 8 when we got it. We got XBox Live during lockdown and I hate it with a passion - resist all attempts to expand their gaming world!

My younger one is 9 and still plays imaginary games during a ‘play bath’ with a range of plastic toys. Or when it’s bedtime...

I remember very clearly when I was 6 and my sister was 8 and she no longer played with me. She was probably reading a lot though (definitely pre computer games!) so was still using her imagination.

Thanks to everyone who’s replied. It’s interesting to see different takes on the situation. I think the extraordinary circumstances this year definitely haven’t helped things (not meaning to drip feed but I have a very senior management role in the health service - which I can do from home but it’s fair to say the last 9 months have been the most challenging of my working life and I’m often exhausted and worn out after a long and draining day at my desk and in honesty, it’s been easier just to let them play with their screens....path of least resistance and all that).

I am really jealous of those of you whose similar aged kids love puzzles and drawing and crafting...we have all that stuff in the house but even before they discovered computer games they never did it or enjoyed it. They’re so physical and are happiest building dens in the woods/running through a muddy bog or whatever (!) - which we do loads of - it’s just really hard to know how to entertain them at home when they’re just not interested in anything.

Worth repeating that they’re not naughty kids - they’re well behaved, polite, academically very bright (as far as you can tell with a 5 and 7yo) and playing computer games doesn’t seem to affect their behaviour in the shocking ways I’ve read about online.

I think I will start by perhaps limiting their computer gaming to 1 hour per day - which doesn’t seem unreasonable given that they’re awake for 14 hours and see how we get on.

Mine are 8, 9 and 10 and haven’t played with toys for at least a year now. They also prefer Roblox or fortnite (the eldest likes fortnite). They have zero interest in toys anymore, they got bought Lego and knex sets for Christmas last year and they largely went untouched. They do love being outdoors exploring, going on their bikes and scooters etc.

Five seems a little young for this though.

We are fairly relaxed about tech, and your weekends sound great but Fortnite at 7 is too young let alone 5, and definitely not unsupervised while you both work.

My eldest is similar and has never really been into toys, I do find he likes craft, so get things like a recent ancient second hand book on paper plane making, which occupied my older 2 DCs for days after school, making planes then decorating them, setting up challenge flight courses etc. I don't usually actually tell them.about it, I leave things out and let them 'discover' them, it seems more successful.

Audiobooks are also a winner with my 6 year old DD who likes to chill out after school with a hot drink and a Famous Five story.

We limit game time but they are allowed 'extra' time for some of the educational games they enjoy but wouldn't choose over Minecraft, like Times Tables Rockstar or the Bitesize games.
Screen time is necessary for many of us right now, don't beat yourself up about it - instead I think just try to focus on making it more quality screen time and minimising risk to them.

Firstly - don't go for blame etc. - it is an easy solution, especially to the current situation, and there will be a lot of parents doing similarly...

However, it is easy sometimes to see a 'session' being only 15 or 45 minutes, and not seeing the larger picture - from your comments above, they are on devices for 11-18 hours a week - so pretty much one day a week is on devices. Only you can answer for you and your children whether that is ideal, but I would suspect it is not healthy, and especially at a young age, where they need to be building themselves through imaginative play etc. not having their character imposed on them by computer games. Fortnite esp. is completely inappropriate for 5-7 year olds.

There is a hidden issue that we are already starting to see unveil itself in terms of mental health issues growing in children, esp. teenagers, and esp. boys which has never been present before the current era of tech. I work in IT, trained as a teacher and have been involved in school governance for 19 years, and it worries me - I think that there is far too much tech for growing healthy children -> adults

It is clear you have a bit of a concern as well, and I see that you are suggesting reducing to no more than 1 hour a day - however, I would suggest that you remove it totally during the week - as another poster above does for her children - whenever there is some allocation during a day / evening, then there is scope for a child to argue for when they use it / how long they play on it - remove it during the week and that goes and there is free space for them to develop their other interests...

Mine have far more screen time than I would have liked, but they are teens now and that's what all their friends do too. Like a PP replace 'screen' with 'books' and that was me as a child.

Having said that DS2 (14) has just tipped the entire lego box out on his bedroom floor. And DS1 (16) has asked for playmobil for Christmas.

@MuseumMum not that bloody 'Jelly' character? My three DSs love that!
OP my three boys have access to a kindle, primarily for school work, but were becoming slowly obsessed with youtube etc and were constantly either asking for it to watch or sneaking it off to watch (4.30am one bloody morning). Things came to a head in the summer and it got put away in a drawer for 5 weeks. And they were much better for it. They love Lego, board games, cars, laser guns, going on their bikes and scoters etc. We have no gaming (I'm shocked yours are on fortnite, sorry but I am) but are thinking of introducing something like that for Christmas with a strict access policy.
If they are getting a bit too boisterous in their play and I want some peace I either banish them upstairs where they read (or build dens and create an almighty mess tbh) or stick a DVD on, or chuck them out in the garden. Some days they drive me bonkers and it might be easier to stick them on a games console but our experience with the kindle shows that at their ages they can't self regulate their time on it and it does lead to bad behaviour. They are 5, 8 and 10.

My DSs are similar but are 9 & 7.
DS1 has ASD, dyslexia and dyspraxia which affect his sense of imagination, and make reading novels a slog and crafts a frustrating mess. Minecraft is an oasis to him where he can create uninhibited by frustrating things like gravity, poor co-ordination and joint pain.
Tech is not inherently bad, it's what you miss by doing too much that matters more.

We do get out and do a lot of nature/ outdoors. It is harder with less options, and we really miss swimming on a grotty afternoon or having friends round. More time would normally be filled with scouting and parkrun.

Mine favour boxes, sticks and dens to toys, although they still like Lego and the wooden train track although the 7yo does like figures and animals when he's on his own.

You are right to be concerned. It is difficult as these games are designed to be addictive and some kids are more drawn to them than others. I also think your 5 year old is learning from your 7 year old that gaming is the thing to do and both are missing alot of imaginative play. Good news is they are still young enough for you to make the change. Good luck.