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Original poster

What do the majority of men really want from a marriage?

58 replies

Wornout8 · 26/10/2020 21:14

Feeling very disillusioned and cynical at the moment, I'm convinced far too many men think that marriage is about them being 'looked after' as in tidied up after and generally mothered.
In addition why do so many also place their own needs and wants above those of their families, especially their children? I know this is a huge generalization but I'm basing this on the experiences of people I know as well as my own.

OP posts:

Prokupatuscrakedatus · 26/10/2020 21:30

You marry to have sb to share the problems with, you wouldn't have if you weren't married.

(Quote of unknown - to me - origin)

StopMakingATitOfUrselfNPissOff · 26/10/2020 22:23

Well my own marriage isn’t as you’ve described so there’s one man not being ‘mothered’ by his wife.

Deadringer · 26/10/2020 23:06

Sex. And a housekeeper.

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Marriage & partnerships

PhilCornwall1 · 27/10/2020 05:40

Do you know, that's a really hard question to answer! We've been married for 21 years, but what did I/do I want from being married is a tricky one.

We work brilliantly as a team (yes I do pull my weight with housework, I quite enjoy the hoover!! ) and when the shit hits the fan, we work together to sort it out. Due to bad health issues that have hit me, it's been really hard, but here we are 21 years later, with two great boys and I wouldn't want to be anywhere else.

So, I guess I could answer, what did I want from getting married? Nothing more than just being with my wife, it may sound cheesy, but she's great, bloody frustrating at times!! But I'm 100% sure I'm more frustrating at times.

vidalbaboon · 27/10/2020 06:15

I think the majority of men don't want marriage.

JoJoSM2 · 27/10/2020 06:21

We got married as we wanted to spend our life together. DH is absolutely nothing like what you describe.

AgnesNaismith · 27/10/2020 06:23

Erm, a partner they love? A shared future? That’s what my husband seemed to want....me too 🤷‍♀️

PlanDeRaccordement · 27/10/2020 06:28

Men that get married usually want to be married and their reasons are varied. My DH isn’t like what OP describes either. We are best friends as well as partners.
OP the saying birds of a feather flock together is true in the sense that your circle of people you know are likely to be those who have more in common with you, and that would probably be couples with similar marriages to yours in terms of gender roles and expectations.

isthismylifenow · 27/10/2020 06:28

@Prokupatuscrakedatus

You marry to have sb to share the problems with, you wouldn't have if you weren't married.

(Quote of unknown - to me - origin)

😂

Definitely something in this. My life is a lot less complicated now that I am single.

CoffeeChouxBun · 27/10/2020 06:32

I agree. I think a sizeable majority of men marry and, consciously or unconsciously, expect the wife to bear the brunt of domestic work and childrearing- the wife work.
Sure, there are plenty of men who don't expect this, who have an equitable division of labour and responsibility, who pull their weight, who genuinely believe their wife deserves equality, who are happy to remain monogamous for life. But there is a huge proportion of men, in all walks of like, all social classes who want a wife to care for them and expect them to take the initiative in looking after the house and children. How many stay at home fathers are there compared to mothers?

Gremlinsateit · 27/10/2020 07:05

I don’t know, it’s complex. I think individual men mostly marry because they want to spend their life with the person they love. But I think society teaches them it’s for sex and a free housekeeper and nanny who can’t quit.

I’ve been thinking about this in the context of underpaid guest workers - a country’s agriculture is often not economically sustainable because it has to exploit non-citizens - is society in fact economically unsustainable because it has to exploit women’s unpaid labour?

Deathraystare · 27/10/2020 08:41

Well I must defend my two brothers. Both very much family men. Both cook for their family and where never too busy to be 'hands on' - including nappy changes. They did not have a great role model in my dad. No offence to his memory but he was 'traditional'. He would not ever have pushed a pram as that wasn't what men did. He certainly would never help put kids coats on. He used to walk up and down the road impatiently, whilst mum wrangled my little bother (who would escape while she was putting our coats on and would hide in the coal scuttle!). He never thought of helping.

But in his dense he would take us out every weekend to parks and museums (and walk our legs off!!!).

Deathraystare · 27/10/2020 08:42

defence obs not dense!

SurreyHillsGirl · 27/10/2020 08:50

My DH wanted to marry me because he loves me and wanted to 'seal the deal' so to speak! There was no ulterior motive.

I look after him but he looks after me equally. We are a solid partnership and best mates. He didn't marry me to bring up his kids either as neither of us want children. He just wanted to be with me, forever, 'officially'.

TeachesOfPeaches · 27/10/2020 08:54

They start getting older and grow tired of chasing women for sex so getting married is easier.

carbhunter · 27/10/2020 09:02

I think most men marry in good faith, for love etc. But theres no arguing the fact that they get a better deal out of marriage than women do and I think over time women take on more and more and men get used to it.

Certainly after 10 years and 2 kids my dh seems to think that because he works full time and earns more than me that it's an unwritten rule that I should do everything else. Housework, meal planning, shopping, childcare, life admin, social admin with friends and family etc. The irony is, I'm now overweight, knackered, borderline depressed and my career has stalled because of working part time for years around kids and not having the time or mental energy or inclination to chase promotions etc. I'm quite far from the ambitious, slim, funny, engaged woman he married and he probably wonders why but can't see the connection between treating me like a unpaid housekeeper and him not getting laid very often

Whether they admit it or not they want someone who does everything so they can relax, whilst also being a fabulous mother, holding down a successful, well paid career and remaining fun and 'up for it' the whole time!

Obviously pp show that this is 'not all men' but it's enough of them to be a familiar trope and certainly very common in my circles.

isthismylifenow · 27/10/2020 09:05

I don't really know the answer to this.

Just after we got divorced, my ex announced his engagement to OW. I was rather shocked, due to the time frame and the fact that i got the impression when he did live here, he couldn't wait to get away from us, would include weekends in his business trips etc.

So when I spoke to him about getting remarried again, his reply was "well I like being married"!

Pity he didn't treat his first wife all that well, but I think its the wife work bit he enjoyed as he lived alone for a mere few months and apparently that was really tough.

BillMasen · 27/10/2020 09:15

I’m not married any more but i didn’t get married expecting to be looked after, waited on, or have sex on tap.

I got married because I thought I’d found a partner, an equal, someone to share everything with, I trusted and loved, and saw as an equal partner in our life. That’s the same for other blokes I know.

If I got married again it would be for the same reasons. I don’t want to be mothered, I want a partnership of equals.

SueEllenMishke · 27/10/2020 09:24

I'm convinced far too many men think that marriage is about them being 'looked after' as in tidied up after and generally mothered.
In addition why do so many also place their own needs and wants above those of their families, especially their children? I know this is a huge generalization but I'm basing this on the experiences of people I know as well as my own.

This is not my experience of marriage or the experience of the vast majority of my friends. I only know one couple like this and it's stands out as being really unusual.

My husband doesn't expect to be mothered and he places our child's and my needs above his ( and I do the same for him)

Honeyroar · 27/10/2020 09:27

I think there are some very generalised views of men on here. Not all men are the same, it’s ridiculous to think so. My husband loves me, cares for me and looks after me just as much as I do him.

dottiedodah · 27/10/2020 09:44

Carbhunter This is an honest and refreshing portrait of many long term marriages (inc my own in parts)! Somehow men still seem to come out "on top" as it were.Many men marry their equal ,in terms of Career ,income ,sex drive and so on .Fast forward a few years, and suddenly wife has baby and often reduces/stops working as its easier to navigate and she wants to be with DC .DH suddenly has another Mum figure! Someone to wash ,clean ,cook,remind him he needs to go to the Dentist (because she has made the bloody appointment!) Suddenly sleeping with his "Mum" figure becomes less appealing and he runs for the exit!

cabernetchampignon · 27/10/2020 09:48

The precise answer to your question (what do men want...) will come from men who are about to get married or are recently married.

dottiedodah · 27/10/2020 09:50

DeathRayStare Good that your DBs have turned out so well! Your post of Dad not wanting to be seen pushing the pram,reminded me of DGMs friends DH, who (during the 30s)! would walk ahead of his wife ,and would not wish to be seen with her and DC ,as he had an "important job in the City .And it wasnt the done thing to be seen in public with your very own family apparently!

rorosemary · 27/10/2020 09:56

I don't know for certain all his reasons but DH felt very lonely before we met. So I'm guessing that wanting to share his life with someone was a big part of his reason.

formerbabe · 27/10/2020 09:59

I think a lot of men want the respectability and social status that comes from having a wife and family.

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