What do the majority of men really want from a marriage?

[Wornout8]

Feeling very disillusioned and cynical at the moment, I'm convinced far too many men think that marriage is about them being 'looked after' as in tidied up after and generally mothered.
In addition why do so many also place their own needs and wants above those of their families, especially their children? I know this is a huge generalization but I'm basing this on the experiences of people I know as well as my own.

I’m pretty sure that my husband wanted to get married (and he wanted it far more than I did in the beginning) because he wanted us to be family. We were already committed and in love, but having that permanent link and visible commitment was important to him. There is no “mothering” and he takes care of me far more than I take care of him.

Oh wow! Some of these responses make me really sad and are certainly not my experience in my 7 year marriage.

My husband and I are a team and we look after each other! We’ve loved spending more time with each other over the past few months during lockdown etc. He certainly doesn’t expect me to ‘mother him’. I genuinely think he got married because he wants to share his life with someone he trusts and loves.

We do a pretty much equal share of housework etc recognising that there are times when one person needs to step up more than the other (illness, extra hours at work). He earns about 20k more than me but everything is equal. There will probably be a time where the roles are reversed as my career allows for further progression and it will continue to be the same! It all goes in one pot and gets distributed to the bills account, joint savings accounts, ‘pocket money’ into our own personal accounts and then the rest we decide what to do with together.

Some pp have said that the man gets a better deal out of marriage, but I certainly don’t think this is true in our case.

I found when my friends and I had.kids, that most of the guys' parents had never really told.them much about looking after small children and what it was.like raising them, whereas the women had absorbed many tales of weaning babies, running after toddlers, etc. DP had no idea what age babies wean, learn to walk or talk, potty train, etc. He learnt, but I did have to remember he was starting parenting from way less knowledge. I surveyed a bunch of friends and all the women knew what they'd weighed at birth while none of the men did and didn't know why anyone would care.

DP lived alone for years before we moved in together so knew about housework and has higher standards than me, so on that front we're good. The fact that we couldn't live together until a few years after we wanted to meant we'd discussed loads of issues like where we wanted to live, what sort of house, how we'd look after our planned kids, how we might want to support our parents... So many people seem to marry without considering such things - I'd support making a session of pre-marriage counselling compulsory.

We find telling each other what work we've done really helps - once he complained he'd been doing housework all evening and I'd been at my computer, so I explained I'd been sorting out lots of life admin we needed to do, not having fun. Since kids and my disability we tend to split roles on stereotypical sex lines but he appreciates what I do, so it works.

My DH is nothing like you desecibe

My DH married because by the age of 52, he'd decide he didn't much fancy working anymore so I could do that and pay the bills, whilst he sits around playing games on his phone all day, safe in the knowledge we can't afford to get divorced and he still has a roof over his head and food on the table.

Dp seems to enjoy being fed but isn't shy about getting the Hoover out. He also is fine at getting his wallet out so not complaining.

My DH is a goodun. He pulls his weight with the kids, does his fair share of the housework and treats me with respect and as an equal. But this is unusual compared to most of the relationships I know of.

IMHO I think a a lot of men get married because they think they are supposed to and because their partner wants to. I think a lot of men have kids for the same reason.

Personally, because I love my wife. I love spending time with her. We agree on most things, and have a great relationship most of the time. Even when things are bad, we can make each other feel better.

I never liked being alone, and always needed love and affection. And, yes, sex. But I’ve always been very tactile and simply like being touched and hugged and kissed.

Go easy on us men. The stereotype of us wanting a shag and a housekeeper is unfair and toxic.

These threads always make me laugh as posters come on to say their husbands just love them so much...not denying that but in the wider context, people get married at a much older age than they did before. So decades ago, people would be married by 20, why is that? Did those men just love their girlfriends more than men nowadays? Of course, socialization and expectations play a pivotal role in the decision to get married.

society teaches them it’s for sex and a free housekeeper and nanny who can’t quit.

I honestly believe this is the reason many men get married. And then when they don't get 'enough ' sex, they cheat.

I can only speak from my experience but I married my best friend and so did he!
Somebody to share our lives and create a family with.
Everything in our home is 50/50
We earn the same, we care for the children in the same way and spend an equal amount of time with them, I cook he cooks, I clean he cleans etc
We make decisions that affect our lives, together. We are a team and would be lost without the other.

@dottiedodah

Carbhunter This is an honest and refreshing portrait of many long term marriages (inc my own in parts)! Somehow men still seem to come out "on top" as it were.Many men marry their equal ,in terms of Career ,income ,sex drive and so on .Fast forward a few years, and suddenly wife has baby and often reduces/stops working as its easier to navigate and she wants to be with DC .DH suddenly has another Mum figure! Someone to wash ,clean ,cook,remind him he needs to go to the Dentist (because she has made the bloody appointment!) Suddenly sleeping with his "Mum" figure becomes less appealing and he runs for the exit!

So many men turn into useless manchildren once their own DC come along. I think a lot of it is not liking that the woman's main focus is now the DC and not solely on them, so they become childlike as a result.

Good question!! Asked my DH and he said Loyalty, stability, companionship, someone to share your life with, sex and most of all getting to live life away from his mother 😂

His mother is lovely for the record but he hates being treated like a child even though his 40

My DH was keener to get married than me, even though he had said he would never marry again after a disastrous first marriage and subsequent 10 years as a single dad. We had a fantastic marriage of equals, where he was a likely as me to be doing stuff with DS or the cooking, housework, etc. Some things we did separately played to our strengths - I was the more computer literate and so would do admin type stuff, he was more practical and did mending and stuff as well as most of the food shopping. He loved me, we were best friends, and he wanted to spend his life as my husband. It was such a happy marriage. I never felt resentful or taken for granted, and when I see people on here saying that is representative of most men, I feel very lucky to have met one of the good ones almost by chance.

I think you need to remember that this is mumsnet and people have a pretty jaundiced view of men/marriage/relationships so you get a skewed view. Most of my friends and family are pretty happy in their marriages. Few do mumsnet.

We married because we wanted to. He saw me as his best friend and the person he wanted to spend his life with. We didn't consider children as I had fertility issues and had been told I may not be able to have them. He encouraged me to improve and get a better job as I wasn't happy with what I was doing. Supported me through my studies and didn't object when my new role took me away more. When I found myself pregnant he was so happy. He's been a great dad. He took on a lot of the childcare to let me resume my career. We were fortunate that we had someone nearby who could help and work provided access to a creche/nursery. He's never let me down (wish I could say the same).
Neither of us work now and just knowing he's here is good. Sometimes I sit and look over at the old sod snoozing in the chair and smile. Things aren't perfect but we're happy.

I suspect we might get a good insight from reading men’s forums (I’m not delving in there myself, I’m too sensitive!)

Pretty sure there’s a whole range of reasons, but as a pp said, with the best will in the world, a lot of men are going to expect to be looked after domestically, that’s baked into our culture

Can't help snorting at some responses here. Single life was dramatically cheaper and less restrictive and suspect that is case for many other men. Probably zero financial incentive for any moderately successful (in professional sense) man to get married, presumably same goes for moderately successful women. Sums just don't work.

Housekeeping? Hiring reliable cleaner to come in once a week won't break the bank, if you want that sort of thing.
Cooking? Could afford to eat out (not lavishly) when wanted, or throw something quick together myself. Pasta is bachelor's friend.
Laundry? Local laundry did formal stuff needing ironing, rest only takes 30 seconds to put in machine, then 30 seconds to shift to tumble drier, then five minutes to put away.
Sex? Don't think most averagely attractive men struggle to find girlfriends, so access to sex not a major problem, and if you're not getting any and it matters to you then separate.
"Status"? Difficult to envisage. Status in what way? Possibly an issue for a very few, but not something that happened in my circle.

So why does any man get married? Suggest common factors in no particular order are:

• Tired of the (expensive) disappointments of dating
• Desire for companionship and a witness to your life
• Regular sex with somebody you love
• A partner who will work with you to raise children

Yes, there are lazy no-good husbands. There are also lazy no-good wives. Proportion in population probably similar for both sexes. Neither side has monopoly on virtue.

Speaking as a man, I would never marry but what do we want from a long term relationship? In the most abstract terms it would be ‘An arrangement of mutual benefit’. I don’t think this is any different to what women want.

I think most people have an intrinsic sense of the concept of fairness, they expect a sort of equality in what they give and what they get from a relationship. The ‘gives’ and ‘gets’ can take many forms and the perceived value of each is entirely individual. The important thing is that both sides feel they are getting acceptable ‘value’ for their own contribution and that the ‘deal’ is a net positive for them. This is why we see all kinds of successful relationships, from the Bernie Ecclestone style sugar daddy/trophy wife arrangements, the stay at home dad and high-flying professional wife, the male provider and the housewife, the attractive and chubster couples, spotless houses, disaster zone houses etc. All these arrangements clearly work for them as a whole.

The problems tend to occur when the participants have a difference in their perception of the ‘cost’ or ‘value’ of different aspects of the relationship, often when changes in the relationship ‘deal’ occur. If one party feels they are now getting less out of the relationship they will feel obliged to put less in, this can precipitate a mutual spiral until one or both participants feels the relationship to be no longer of benefit. In basic terms things that are a big deal for one party and the other doesn’t realise or can’t accept why, be they weight/fitness/appearance, intimacy, housework, children or whatever. The only way to resolve these perceptions is open communication and negotiation.

So there is no single answer to ‘what men want’, nor even to what any individual man will settle for.

@vidalbaboon

I think the majority of men don't want marriage.

I think that’s true in a lot of cases be it because they are expected to propose, societal reasons etc. Others want sex and a maid.

Likewise if you turn the question the other way round I feel a lot only do it for the big day, they want to be provided for etc.

I’d like to think that many do believe in the vows they make, believe it is for life and want an equal partner rather than looking to gain from the situation l

@formerbabe people (both Male and female) get married later by choice. I personally travelled the world and had a whale of a time before settling down. My mother didn’t really have the same opportunities when she was in her 20s. But also I didn’t meet a man good enough to marry until I was older, perhaps I’d have married younger if I’d met someone who had suited me better. I lived with a few partners that weren’t quite right before I met my husband, and I’m glad I didn’t settle for them.

I think there are as many answers to this question as there are men.

My own father once told me that he married my mother ‘because it’s just what you did’. At the time I thought this was rather sad, and a sign they shouldn’t have married. Their relationship was rather volatile; they both used to complain about each other’s flaws. And yet, when my mother died, my father could not have been more devastated. Thirteen years on, he has still not adjusted to her loss.

On the surface it appeared to have been a very traditional marriage, and one that was entered into because of the social norms of the time. My mother had limited opportunities due to her background, which I know she was resentful of. Would they have married if times were different? Perhaps not.

And yet, seeing how my father cared for her during her illness, and what a wreck he is post her loss, there was clearly a lot more going on than her just fulfilling a role of housekeeper/nanny/lover.

He has said he could never replace her.

@Honeyroar

Yes, but it's as much societal as it is true love. How come so many men in the past found their true love in their late teens whilst men nowadays find theirs more often in their thirties?

I've often heard it said that men decide they want to get married then find a wife rather than meeting someone and deciding they're the one. That's not to say they don't love their wives but it's often a timing thing.

I have no doubt that if I'd met dh when he was much younger we wouldn't be together now. I'm sure he had plenty of girlfriends in his late teens and early twenties who he could have settled down with, it is just he wasn't ready at that age.

You've described my ex-h OP. Wanted a mummy to look after him and then left when our DS was 2 years old as he said it was all too much and he wanted his life back. He forgot to mention the OW. I'm very cynical now and wouldn't marry again.

I found when my friends and I had.kids, that most of the guys' parents had never really told.them much about looking after small children and what it was.like raising them, whereas the women had absorbed many tales of weaning babies, running after toddlers, etc.

I can honestly say that I knew no more about looking after a baby or a small child than dh did until we had our first. I don't think any of my friends did either.

My dh is not a lazy manchild. He's a 'can't sit still' type. I do the majority of the housework because I'm part time and he works long hours. He still does plenty though, including lots of cooking.

What did he want out of marriage? Companionship, a life shared, intimacy, kids. Same as what I wanted. He's been the main breadwinner since my career took a hit after having dc, but I wouldn't swap. I definitely feel like I have the better deal.

Companionship I’d say