I’m really struggling. Can someone please hold my hand?

[NotaBunny]

NC for this. I wasn’t sure where the best place to put this was but because Chat gets a lot of traffic I hoped this would be ok.

I’m really struggling right now. Lots of reasons. It doesn’t help that I know someone who tested positive so I’m isolating, and now I’ve developed symptoms too so I feel physically rubbish on top of everything.

I’m not sure I really want to talk about the reasons. I don’t think I have the strength.

I just tried calling Samaritans for the first time in my life. I got through to a lady who sounded really lovely, but I live in a tiny house and my husband is downstairs. I don’t want to be overheard so I was talking quietly, but she couldn’t hear me.

She sounded so nice and I think she would have been a really good person to talk to. But because she couldn’t hear me, I just thanked her and told her I didn’t think the call was going to work, and I hung up. I felt even worse after that because I have nobody in real life I can speak to and it turns out I can’t even call Samaritans either.

I regret ending the call now but I can’t see how it would have worked if she couldn’t hear me.

Hopefully there’s someone here who can just be there. I don’t really know what I want/ need. I just don’t want to feel so alone

You’re not alone. I believe you can email the Samaritans too. Does DH not know how you feel?
You only need to find the strength to talk about what you want to. That’s all.

Hey there. I'm so sorry you're feeling like this. Does your husband know you're not feeling well and are anxious? Could you talk to him?

Van you go out for a walk and try calling them when you are out of the house?

@justasmalltownmum

Van you go out for a walk and try calling them when you are out of the house?

She is isolating so can’t do this.

Dear @NotaBunny It sounds like you are really finding life hard right now and I feel for you. Is this a long term feeling or v sudden, only asking in case you have any coping strategies you normally use? Perhaps just having a non-related conversation on here will help?
Chat away, what did you have for tea this evening?

If it helps something awful happened to me a few years ago and my life utterly fell apart overnight. What helped me was breaking down the time that I needed to worry about so instead of worrying how I was going to get through the next day or night I would deal in hour chunks. Break it right down to the next ten minutes if you need to, how are you going to pass those next ten minutes. Mindless games on my phone often help me - easy sudoku or sorting games that give my brain something to do to occupy it but not test it if that makes sense. Making lists, to do, to buy, to sell etc

Do you have any tactics that help you?

Could you put the radio on, then call? That will disguise the fact you are talking. Are you worried most about how he will behave, or about your privacy?

I drafted an email to Samaritans but I know it can take a few hours for them to respond, and part of the issue means I’d rather not tell a man. With the email, I can’t control who receives it (if a man had answered the phone, I was planning to explain to him that I’d rather speak to a woman and then call back).

My husband knows I’m upset and he knows some of the reasons why. Part of it- the main part, actually- is about him and he doesn’t know that. I’m not sure whether to tell him. Sorry, I know it’s annoying when people are vague.

He can be quite difficult to talk to about these things. He’s very kind and supportive, but he always wants to fix things. This past week it’s just been a barrage of suggestions: “why don’t you try this?” “Why don’t you try that?” And then he gets frustrated when I don’t try them, because he sees it as me not wanting to get better.

All I want is for him to sit and listen and let me talk without suggesting I do bloody yoga. But no matter how many times I explain that to him, he just can’t help himself.

I’ve emailed the Samaritans in the past. It felt good to just get everything down.

Life is awful for many people at the moment and it’s OK to not be OK.

I’m a practical person and always jump at practical solutions so sorry if this is not want you want.
Can you text a friend?
Write a list of things you would like to do even if you can’t be arsed to do anything
YouTube yoga
Online shppping order with treats eg posh tea or coffee.
Nice bath or shower
Book
Watch a comedy.

Just work out how you will get through tonight for now.

It’s good that you’ve emailed. If someone contacts you can you say you would rather deal with a woman?
Is it the sort of issue where a GP could help?
Are you safe OP?

Hey, it's hard just now isn't it. Virtual hugs from me, you aren't alone, there will be plenty of people on here who feel similarly, maybe not for the same reasons and it's ok if you don't want to go into them.

Excuse the capitals but there is a similar service to samaritans but you don't have to talk out loud if you TEXT 'SHOUT' TO 85258

@justasmalltownmum I really appreciate your suggestion so thank you, but I can’t leave the house because I’m isolating. Which makes it so much harder because I’m just stuck in this tiny little house and I can’t get away from anything. I would have done exactly what you suggest if I could.

Thank you @Impatientwino I just wrote a long response to you and then realised I’d misread your post completely. This is helpful though. I guess this is helping me for now. I’ve got a lot more responses than I expected already, so replying to them might distract me for a while (even though I’m talking about the issue, somehow it feels better when I’m actively typing, rather than just dwelling on my thoughts)

@Gordonsgrin It’s very sudden this time but I have a long history of anxiety and depression (and some other neurological stuff- one was only recently diagnosed). So although I’ve felt like this before, I’ve been very settled for about 5 years now and this has taken me by surprise. I never really had any healthy coping strategies before though.

Non-related chat is a really good idea. I like the sound of that. I had beef ragu- just one of those Tesco microwave ones. I’ve had it a few times and usually like it but the beef was really fatty today. What did you have?

I'm so sorry you're feeling so bad right now OP. Just know that people do care and we are listening and sending you virtual hugs and handholds.

Try to remember that no matter what the problems are there's always someone else who's been where you are and made it through the other side.

@NotaBunny I am trying to shed some lockdown weight (and the rest!) so I had a feta salad with pine nuts and beetroot. My life is pretty spirally as well at the moment so a while ago I decided to get in control of one thing I can actually control and that’s my terrible eating habits.
How was the weather today?

What helps for now is great, whatever that may be.

I sometimes watch YouTube videos on a particular topic just because it drowns out the noise in my own head. I watch them just before bed so I dream about what they are talking about and not anything else.

We had a beef and mushroom pie for dinner tonight. It was a slow cooker recipe for the filling and then bunged the puff pastry lid on the top (shop bought not home made!)

It was really nice but youngest DS (3) didn't agree! So he essentially had a bit of pastry and a jelly for tea - bit jealous to be honest!

@picklemewalnuts (Your name made me smile so that’s something!) I’d be worried that if I put noise in here, I wouldn’t be able to hear him coming upstairs. Plus I find that putting music on never masks sound as much as people think (I learned this in my teen years when my friend thought putting the music on in her bedroom meant I wouldn’t hear her having sex when I was in the next room )

There’s a few things that worry me. Because some of it is about him, I don’t want to embarrass or upset him. He’ll either feel guilty that he’s unintentionally hurt me this much, or he might get defensive. And I don’t know if I want him to know yet. I’m still not sure whether I want to talk to him about it.

@Wolfiefan I am safe but thank you for asking. (Well, aside from the whole difficulty breathing thing but that’s just the covid and there’s not much I can do about that!)

I know a little about how Samaritans works- emails are all sent by different volunteers, so you can’t really specify a woman. I suppose if a man receives it, they could decline it but then it goes back into the queue and there’s no guarantee that he actually would. And I’d have to write something like “WOMEN REPLY ONLY PLEASE” at the top of every email. I’d really worry a man was reading it. Sorry, I know that sounds ridiculous without context.

It’s not a GP kind of issue either

@Thatwentbadly I hope this doesn’t sound mean but that cross-post really made me laugh. I’m complaining about my husband suggesting I do yoga a million times a week and in the meantime, you’re writing a post suggesting I try yoga You’ve really cheered me up, even if it was an accident!

I do have one friend who I’ve felt I can talk to about this but some of it is quite heavy and I’m aware I’ve taken up a LOT of her time with it this week. I know how exhausting it is to support a friend at these times, and she has her own issues, so I don’t want to overload her.

I actually was considering putting a comedy on so that’s a good suggestion!

Try texting Shout, they're not as good as the Samaritans IME but they're still okay

Thanks for the hugs @hollyjolly1 I’m too scared to even let my husband hug me at the moment because he’s not (yet) showing any symptoms. He’s potentially at risk so I’m trying to keep my distance. He thinks it’s silly because we can’t avoid him catching it while we’re in the same house- and he’s probably right- but it helps me feel a little bit more in control. So your virtual hugs are appreciated!

It’s interesting what you say about other people feeling the same way. I Googled my exact issue the other day and it brought up two Mumsnet threads from women who were experiencing the same thing. The responses on both were very passionate but very divided: half were saying the poster was overreacting and the other half were doing a very dramatic “I’d feel absolutely sick if that was me”. Neither would be very helpful for me, so that’s what I don’t have the strength for.

I’ll try that text service. Thank you!

x

It’s funny, I was sitting on the loo just thinking I feel so sad and I’ve no idea who to turn to. No one I feel I can talk to. Opened mumsnet and your thread is right at the top. I’m not in the headspace to be particularly helpful right now minute just wanted to let you know you’re not alone xx

Thank you @amusedtodeath1 for your kind words and @Coffeeoverload for the flowers. I really appreciate it.

@Gordonsgrin Well done! It sounds like you’re doing well. I’ve also made the decision to lose some weight and it’s going well so there’s a positive! The weather here today was strange. Beautifully sunny, then a sudden downpour, then sunny again before it clouded over. How was it where you are?

I have been going through spells of not wanting to be near my own family, in my house for fear of passing something on, I'm young so a definite candidate for being asymptomatic, I fear, at any time. I'm generally an anxious person so have to try and reason with myself!

It's an utterly horrible feeling to not feel safe in your own home or feel like you are now a threat to the people you love, you have my sympathy. You are doing your best and with a bit of luck you will be feeling much better soon.
Oh and yeah, mumsnet can be dramatic, so if you don't feel up to that sort of thing then I don't blame you, I hope the text service or the emails can help you feel more at ease ❤️

Your pie sounds lovely @Impatientwino, although I’m not a fan of mushrooms myself. Maybe I’ll have pastry and jelly tomorrow

@Mamagotskills I’m really sorry that you’re feeling low too and I appreciate you reassuring me I’m not alone. Would you like to join the talk about tea? It’s strangely comforting. What did you have for tea tonight?