I’m really struggling. Can someone please hold my hand?

[NotaBunny]

NC for this. I wasn’t sure where the best place to put this was but because Chat gets a lot of traffic I hoped this would be ok.

I’m really struggling right now. Lots of reasons. It doesn’t help that I know someone who tested positive so I’m isolating, and now I’ve developed symptoms too so I feel physically rubbish on top of everything.

I’m not sure I really want to talk about the reasons. I don’t think I have the strength.

I just tried calling Samaritans for the first time in my life. I got through to a lady who sounded really lovely, but I live in a tiny house and my husband is downstairs. I don’t want to be overheard so I was talking quietly, but she couldn’t hear me.

She sounded so nice and I think she would have been a really good person to talk to. But because she couldn’t hear me, I just thanked her and told her I didn’t think the call was going to work, and I hung up. I felt even worse after that because I have nobody in real life I can speak to and it turns out I can’t even call Samaritans either.

I regret ending the call now but I can’t see how it would have worked if she couldn’t hear me.

Hopefully there’s someone here who can just be there. I don’t really know what I want/ need. I just don’t want to feel so alone

Well I am up writing some bloody boring report for work and feeling rubbish about it.

I did get my hair done this morning and that was nice. It was a new place and it was good but there was hair still on the chair when I sat down and now I’m worried about their hygiene practices

And...I had some delicious olives and goats cheese last weekend. What’s your favourite food?

(If my mindless drivel is at all helpful!!)

Steak pie tonight, not usual for us but was near favourite butcher today when somehow life seemed much brighter. Was really nice. Got in to bed now, can’t stop the tears. You’re right just need to focus on mindless stuff until sleep comes

Thank you @Jericoo I’m going to try them

@hollyjolly1 It’s horrible, isn’t it? I had my test today so I’ll get my result soon. I’m pretty sure it’ll be positive though- my symptoms started 2 days after I saw the person who’s tested positive. Mine are fairly mild but still enough to make me feel sorry for myself on top of everything else.

Hey OP, I am sorry you are having a hard time right now and hope chatting is helping. I am annoyed with myself for eating all the carbs today and being a sofa slug.

@NotaBunny it has been sunny here, I am in Wales so we go into lockdown for two weeks tomorrow, not feeling too bad about that.

When you are not feeling overwhelmed what do you like to do? I don’t have any real hobbies but I do like being outside in nature.

@Thisisnotnormal69 It really does help, thank you! Hopefully your report won’t take too long. Eek that is worrying about the hairdresser’s chair, but I bet your hair looks lovely! How did you have it done? I usually get my hair styled to be very straight and sleek.

Good question about my favourite food. I like chicken in all its forms. And cheese, but Camembert is as sophisticated as I go. I’m not much of a foodie- I have a very basic palate! (But not as basic as my brother, who will happily eat a bowl of plain pasta with absolutely nothing added )

That pie sounds lovely @Mamagotskills. Proper steak from a butcher, too! I’m jealous! There is an old-fashioned butcher down the road from me but I’ve never been. We usually just go to Sainsbury’s. It sounds like you know a bit about butchers though, so can you recommend something that I should try to get from my local one? It will give me something to look forward to once I’m allowed out the house!

@NotaBunny It is incredibly courageous to admit you are not coping and ask for help. Especially when you have very little emotional energy, so that is a huge step in the right direction. Handhold and hug

I understand when you say that people just offer advice, how draining it can be and how it can make you feel worse. Yes they care about you and they want you to feel better, but offering solutions doesn't help.

It makes me think about the scene in Little Miss Sunshine when the son loses his temper. All the adults are panicking and thinking of what to do next, but his sister just goes and puts her arm around him and lets him feel what he is feeling without any judgement.

You are not alone, I was managing really well with the Pandemic. I went on holiday in August, it just hit me like a wave without warning. It was very disorientating I couldn't stop crying for about 2 months after that and I have recently started taking AD medication again.

I was so proud of myself for managing without them for so long that it felt like a failure. I also felt I couldn't tell anyone how I felt because I previously "solutions" and opinions where all anyone had to offer. FWIW I feel better now and have accepted that this is what it is for the foreseeable.

So again. Well done in admitting that you are not well, and identifying you need some help. It can get better :)

@NotaBunny, your palette is better than my kids, they swear by pasta and baked beans with cheese!

@RaininSummer It is helping a lot, thank you. Carbs and sofa sounds like the dream, to be honest! Tell me more- what have you eaten? Have you been watching the TV?

@Gordonsgrin Ah, good luck with the lockdown! I really hope it helps. I don’t really have hobbies either but I read every night. I used to travel a lot back in the ancient times when we could leave the country!! I also like going to the theatre and art galleries/ museums. Very annoying that all the things I enjoy are those most affected by all this! Why couldn’t I enjoy something like knitting?

I’m quite busy usually because I’m studying full time and working part time. And I have two different volunteer things too.

@NotaBunny what are you studying?, and if it’s not too many questions what sort of galleries and museums? Do you have an all time favourite?

@isthelightdawning Thank you for such kind words. I’m glad you understand about the solutions thing. It is exactly like that scene, you’re right. I know my husband is trying to help and I completely understand why it must be frustrating for him. But I’m able to find my own solutions and all I need is for him to just be there.

I’m sorry you’ve had a tough time lately too but I’m glad you’re feeling better and you’ve reached this place of acceptance. You should be very proud of that

@Gordonsgrin I like all the questions. I don’t know how old you are, but I was a teenager when MySpace was a thing and there used to be all these little questionnaires. They’d have questions like “who was the last person you called?” or “sweet or savoury?” and you’d post them onto your profile. I went through a very, very dark time as a teen and I would spend hours doing these questionnaires because the mundane questions distracted me from my thoughts. So your posts remind me of that (but I won’t demand you spend hours asking them )

My area of study is very, very niche so it would be outing. Instead I’ll just say I’m doing a PhD in education (which is true, just very oversimplified!)

Good question about my favourite museums and galleries. As I’m getting older, my tastes are changing. I used to love the Tate Modern but I’m becoming more and more interested in 17th century paintings. I really want to visit the Rijksmuseum and Museo del Prado. I’ve been to Amsterdam twice but never to the Rijksmuseum, and I went to the Prado about 10 years ago but didn’t really appreciate it.

@NotaBunny The report is done, I’m sending it off now...I think it is crap but it’s done so who cares

I had a full head of highlights and they put olaplex (?) in it because apparently my hair is really damaged.....too much bleaching over the years, probably. I had it blow dried too which is a great as it’s usually curly.

Cheese is food of the gods, though I’m more of a hard cheese fan than soft and smelly. Everyone seems to love Camembert though, maybe I should give it a go! I don’t think I’m a foodie either, I do love food but I’m not adventurous and I don’t really like the menus of the fancy restaurants unfortunately! Which is a shame but probably cheaper...

I’m not sure where you live in the country but do you go into London ever? I’m not sure about elsewhere but here the theatres have started opening up as have most of the main art galleries and museums. They are v good at social distancing and hygiene measures actually. The ones I’ve been to anyway.

Forgot to add, I do sometimes just have cheese and pasta if I am really desperate and have no other food in. But completely plain pasta sounds awful! Out of interest did you parents mainly cook quite plain/traditional meals? I think that’s why I’m not that adventurous!

A friend of mine has been known to have pasta with mayonnaise and ketchup... It makes me feel sick to even think of it.

@NotaBunny sounds like you have a well educated taste in fine art! I only understood a little of what you said, I for my sins am a museum professional. Not in art but archaeology so a bit more rigged and messy.

You must be quite busy, sometimes this is good when times are hard but at others it just creates an insufferable suffocating “noise”. Go easy on yourself and give yourself the hug that you may be craving.

I am quite a bit older than you I think. I did a masters course in computing and IT in the early nineties. As just as an aside, bearing in mind it was computers, no mention of the internet, Apple Mac’s we the more prevalent and we had a whole practical session on use of a mouse. We had to guide the mouse round a train track on the screen!

Back to you, which one place in the world that you have visited would you return to, if you could only go to one?

And which place that you haven’t visited would you visit if you could only go to one?

See, I could easily bore you to sleep!

I also love cheese, and wish I loved knitting... especially given the current goings on!!! And I also had to go for a test today due to a whacking great temperature, and just generally feeling under the weather. What are my chances of a negative result? 🤞 Slightly anxious NAT the thought of two weeks complete quarantine!

Here's hoping for a speedy result and recovery for you maybe order a beginner knitting kit from Amazon? You never know it might be a hobby waiting to happen ❤️

I would like to start knitting but I have a horrible feeling I’d be absolutely terrible at it..not sure it’s worth even trying!

@Thisisnotnormal69 Well done on finishing the report! I’ve heard about Olaplex but I’m not entirely sure what it is, other than something my hairdresser pushes a lot on his Facebook page!

I do live near London. There’s an exhibition I’ve been thinking of visiting. I must remember to look up how it all works at the moment.

Yes, my parents were very limited in their cooking! My dad’s cooking was ok but mainly the spag bol/ shepherd’s pie kind of dish. My mum, on the other hand, just bought us a load of frozen ready meals to bung in the microwave. So not much experimentation there!

@Gordonsgrin Oh that sounds interesting! I know a few archaeology folk. This won’t make sense given what I’ve just told you about my PhD, but there’s a related field that is archaeology-based so I tend to end up in a few archaeology presentations at conferences.

Your question about where I’d want to return is easy. It’s Salzburg. It feels like my home. Whenever I visit, I don’t feel ecstatic or excited or anything like that. I just feel like I can breathe easier, like a weight has been lifted off my chest. I miss it horrendously at the moment.

The question about where I haven’t visited is harder. There’s lots of places I’d love to visit. I think maybe the Bahamas to see the wild pigs on the beach, although I’m worried about the impact of tourism on them. But I love pigs so the thought of being in the Caribbean Sea playing with tame pigs is- in theory at least- my idea of heaven.

I liked reading about your 90s computing skills. I have some memories of using a computer back in the early/mid 90s. Though only at school or at one friend’s house- I was very impressed that she had a computer in her house! Our household was well behind most of the country and didn’t get a computer until 2005.

Hello Op.

You write so well and articulate your feelings brilliantly. I'm so sorry you're in this position and I so admire your determination to find support. For that reason alone you will make it happen, find a way and become stronger. I find talking and sharing always helps. Makes you realise you're not alone.

Sending you a gentle virtual arm around your shoulders in the hope it helps you sleep and then awake more able to get the help you need and deserve. You will get better. You will recover. Life will be good again.

Take care

My anxiety's been bad the last week or so and what I've found helps is possibly weird but I've been doing the countries of the world quiz on sporcle. It's timed so I have to focus and it just drowns out the thoughts for a wee while. Worth a shot?

I’ve not read the full thread so apologies if this has already been suggested, but does your husband go out to work? Could you not call the Samaritans when he is out, or at least on a work phone call or something?
Or could you arrange for a family member or friend to call him for a chat and keep him talking while you slip upstairs to make your call?

Or, as you are isolating, can you send him to the supermarket to get the shopping or to pick up something that you don’t have in the house, eg some paracetamol or sanpro as an excuse to give you some time to make the call?

Hope you are ok op

I think her husband has to stay in as well, in case she tests positive.

Sorry I conked out last night! One minute I was wide awake and fretting about not getting to sleep, the next minute I was away!

I'm dieting too, doing slimming world. I'm morbidly obese so I have a lot to lose (7 stone) but I've had a good start. It feels like I can keep it up, too.

I hope you wake up feeling a bit better today. Try not to fret about having a dip- you've done really well for ages, you'll work this out too!

I have to say, though- you are an intriguing woman of mystery! I'm not going to guess at your field or worry, but a corner of my brain is ticking away wondering. Which is ridiculous. I think it's just a brain thing.